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JDH
USA
331 Posts |
 Posted - Feb 14 2010 : 2:17:28 PM
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Behaviorally, I've undergone some pretty drastic changes since starting AYP a few months ago. I was a bit of an addict I'll admit. Marijuana, pornography, sex, alcohol, video games.
Marijuana is beginning to feel like "mud on the windshield." Most notably, it interferes with concentration in meditation. And also I can notice I don't feel as good in daily activity for a few days after smoking. I've gone from smoking nearly every day a few times per day, down to smoking once per week only one or two hits.
If I smoke during daily activity or with other people, I don't enjoy it much at all anymore. I'm noticing it doesn't make much difference any more, and if anything I feel slightly more socially uncomfortable and mentally befuddled. If I smoke privately and incorporate it as a sacred plant into my practices then it has some benefits. The most accurate description would be that it causes high energy flows. But I'm starting to see that high energy flows happen anyway during practices, just not predictably. And that these natural high energy flows seem to be more... well, natural. They are somehow gentler and more appropriate.
I have an unhealthy sex life and pornography is a big part of it. I had an obsession to it, and began using it tantrically even long before I found AYP. So it was not all a waste. Since starting AYP I've gone from spending maybe an hour a day on average viewing porn, down to "releasing" the energy once a week (the trend seems to be going to even less often). This is difficult to describe, but what I've noticed is that viewing porn is an inferior type of sexual energy. For me, it causes a tightness in the whole pelvic region that isn't present with regular sex. Like a blocked energy flow - the heart is not involved but it should be. It is a feeling similar to, but fainter than blue balls, except that I can notice it immediately upon viewing porn (even for a few seconds) and it persists for several hours afterward. As a result of this discomfort, I've slowly enjoyed porn less and less, but still use it to practice tantric masturbation.
I'm finding that the way in which I engage sexual energy is incredibly important, and it's really the way in which I engage the divine goddess. Which has changed sex around for me completely too. Somehow non-covetousness is cropping up in my life as a result of brahmacharya, and I no longer get turned on by women out in daily activity. I'm not viewing them like that any more. Honestly I miss it, and it seems unnatural and wrong to me that I'm not getting sexually excited sometimes for days at a time. Again, I think it is moving toward not getting turned on unless there is a heart to heart connection with a woman. I am a little ashamed to admit it, but I don't know how to do that, and I feel like I now have no sex life. 
Alcohol - I already kind of considered this poison, but I have done more than my fair share of using it to excess. And I live in close proximity to many many people who use mucho mucho alcohol. I've stopped using it entirely. I see no spiritual benefits whatsoever, and a very large energetic drain.
Video games - was spending a couple hours a day playing games which have become increasingly uninteresting (and crowded out in time commitment because of 1.5 hours a day AYP practices).
So here I am, three months older and quite different in behavior. I don't really know who I am, and where to turn for fun and positive interaction with other people anymore. Don't get me wrong. I am grateful that yoga has somehow helped me release all these bad habits. But now I'm wondering, what else is there, and who am I? The meditation cushion is good. But where do I find my pleasure in life, especially with other people who until recently I engaged entirely through the common pursuit of these unhealthy pleasures? Where is the pure path? |
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cosmic
USA
821 Posts |
Posted - Feb 16 2010 : 10:36:39 PM
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Hi JDH,
I'm happy for you, bro. I can relate to the "what now?" feeling after these habits drop away. There's really no telling how it will play out in your life. However, I feel that the changes will be positive if you stay on top of your practice and trust the process (and yourself).
For me, life started to shift around on its own. It was wobbly at times. Like you, I also wondered who I am and how will I enjoy life again. It's a discovery process, but the answers will eventually come. If you can enjoy the mystery of it, then you are truly blessed.
With Love
cosmic |
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wigswest
USA
115 Posts |
Posted - Feb 17 2010 : 12:40:55 AM
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Ha, my friend - you've arrived at The Void, or at least one iteration of it. Longed-for, and feared. (Knowing this doesn't make it any easier, tho, does it? ;)
Good for you, and take courage...one foot in front of another, and who knows where you'll end up? ;) |
Edited by - wigswest on Feb 17 2010 12:45:42 AM |
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manigma
India
1065 Posts |
Posted - Feb 17 2010 : 02:03:40 AM
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Most of these addictions make us forget. We forget ourselves temporarily.
Naturally when we forget ourselves, we also forget our miseries/tensions.
With Yoga/Meditation, you start coming closer to yourself. This is opposite to forgetting.
Now you know that forgetting is not the real pleasure. In fact, there is no pleasure. Neither pure nor impure.
The seed of awareness has been sown in your heart, you are evolving and becoming real human now. So what to do with your old mates?
The yogi can pretend with his friends that he is having fun... is there any harm in it? Use marijuana, drink, watch porn, play games, have fun but come back again to yourself. 
Meditation/Yoga is not for pleasure... it is to transcend both pleasure and misery.
quote:
Originally posted by JDH
Where is the pure path?
You... always... pure. |
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JDH
USA
331 Posts |
Posted - Feb 18 2010 : 3:23:10 PM
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Thanks, this was good advice, what I needed to hear I think. I can still do the old things, they just don't seem as urgent and important and in control of me - which is maybe what I liked about them.
And, this is probably a case of, be careful what you wish for, you might get it. I do like the changes. It's just... well, different. :) |
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HathaTeacher
Sweden
382 Posts |
Posted - Feb 19 2010 : 3:18:10 PM
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Hi JDH and thank you for sharing!
With a track record of abuse, it's wise to stay away from those substances, that keeps the 'More demon' out, too. What more is there? The path itself. The path is the destination. In Sivananda's words:
Health is wealth. Peace of mind is happiness. Yoga shows the way.
As to happiness, I repeatedly remind myself to penetrate life the same way I penetrate the woman: returning to conscious deep breath gently but quickly whenever I've forgotten it, never bothering about 'what can I get', always trying to figure out 'what can I give' (BtW., it doesn't seem possible to get addicted to preorgasmic sex whatsoever, as opposed to cheap thrills). The body is a mirror of your life style. If it's getting healthier and you feel harmony, your on track.
N'joy !
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Cipyar
USA
20 Posts |
Posted - Jun 30 2010 : 11:16:23 PM
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This is why they call loss of the ego "death", because it feels like you are dying. These things make up a part of the ego's personality, it is its own entity. So as you wash away the surface and go underneath, you will feel it fighting against you.
It is good that you are beginning to see with new eyes, in truth, many of these behaviors activate a hormone called dopamine. It is very addictive. What we are going for is peace, less addiction, less anguish. However, do not force it, let it come on its own. You have to want it.
There are plenty other things to do that are not so compulsive or damaging, you just need to branch out a bit. This is all you've ever known, now the old you is dying. The new you is born. Everything is new, embrace the world like a child. That is what you are. |
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unhealthy pleasures
