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Yonatan
Israel
849 Posts |
 Posted - Aug 20 2009 : 03:53:18 AM
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Hi,
I have some things that I need to get off my mind....... (I have someone who I can talk to but this seems like the right place for this)
I have not been honest with myself..
There are many, MANY layers inside this mind. And many feelings: sadness, anger, aggression, fear. and it seems like the main thing that's keeping those emotions and layers from coming up and being fully recognized is the fear..
I am a very sad person.. although I don't show it. But is slowly shows itself. And there is a lot of freedom coming out of giving myself the right to feel all these things.. 
Well, this is what I have on my mind...
Thanks very much for being here, even if there are no comments or not a lot I know you guys are reading this.. So thank you for that..
Love,
Yonatan |
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miguel
Spain
1197 Posts |
Posted - Aug 20 2009 : 06:12:14 AM
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Im sure you feel better after writing this.Specially here in ayp forums.Youll find much support here.
Of course,there are many layers Yonatan.Many feelings inside.All we have sadness, anger, aggression, fear inside.All we have fear inside.
Bhakti yoga and relational self inquiry,the best medicine.Of course,dm is the most important thing!
Is good to allow your self to heal your dark areas.But it takes time,and its a gradual process...i mean...take it easy,step by step...self pace.We cant do this task in two days.
Layer by layer,slowly.All we have our inner ocstructions.
Carry on with your practices...
Carry on!
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Edited by - miguel on Aug 20 2009 06:21:52 AM |
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Yonatan
Israel
849 Posts |
Posted - Aug 20 2009 : 06:41:43 AM
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| Thanks dear Miguel |
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chinna
United Kingdom
241 Posts |
Posted - Aug 20 2009 : 06:45:07 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Yonatan
Hi,
I have some things that I need to get off my mind....... (I have someone who I can talk to but this seems like the right place for this)
I have not been honest with myself..
There are many, MANY layers inside this mind. And many feelings: sadness, anger, aggression, fear. and it seems like the main thing that's keeping those emotions and layers from coming up and being fully recognized is the fear..
I am a very sad person.. although I don't show it. But is slowly shows itself. And there is a lot of freedom coming out of giving myself the right to feel all these things..
Well, this is what I have on my mind...
Thanks very much for being here, even if there are no comments or not a lot I know you guys are reading this.. So thank you for that..
Love,
Yonatan
Dear Yonatan
Thank you for sharing this. You remind me of a period I went through in my 30s, probably lasting two years, when I seemed to be leaking sadness, with a very heavy heart really felt, a heart that truly felt like a stone. I could no longer pretend all was ok and I was afraid, for example that I would break down and cry in meetings, or be stuck like this forever. I mention this only to reassure you that the leaking out of these feelings is all to the good, and that when things feel really bad you are experiencing the most powerful and natural purifying effects of your practice. It is necessary and it will pass. Like yours, my sadness did seem to me to be on the 'front end' of a lot of other more difficult and angry feelings. Be patient, it will pass, you are firmly in the grip of truth, of God, now...your real Self is coming to birth, beyond the oceans of sadness and pain, beyond all. I took great comfort at the time in reading about the 'dark night of the soul' experienced and recorded by so many saints. I thought, if they can endure this, so can I, it is a sign of the coming freedom, peace and joy. And so it was. Courage, Yonatan, you are doing just great.
chinna |
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Yonatan
Israel
849 Posts |
Posted - Aug 20 2009 : 07:29:39 AM
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Thank chinna
Blessings and Love |
Edited by - Yonatan on Aug 20 2009 07:37:23 AM |
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Steve
277 Posts |
Posted - Aug 20 2009 : 10:51:51 AM
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Hi Yonatan,
Recently, in the topic 'Smiling Benefit' http://www.aypsite.org/forum/topic....=6111#55122, I shared a simple smiling exercise http://heartsanctuary.org/opening-our-hearts.html to strengthen the heart and feeling.
In addition to the smiling exercise referenced above, there is also a free 'Open Heart Meditation' which is actually a prayer. It relies directly on True Source to cleanse the emotions and replace them with Love and Light. An additional line can be added for cleansing the underlying fear that is effecting you so. In my own life, I have worked with many methods of opening and cleansing the heart, none as effective as simply allowing the Love and Light of True Source to help us directly.
Quoting from the same web site:
"Each time we have negative emotions, we place negativities within our heart even though the negative emotions were not expressed. We have many different types of negative emotions that we experience on a daily basis. Therefore, there are a lot of negativities stored within the field of our heart."
"When we begin to open our heart, we also begin to cleanse our heart. In order for our heart to open bigger, we have to cleanse our heart by allowing the blessings of the True Source to help."
"Only the True Source can bless our heart because there is a direct connection between our heart and the True Source. No other being can bless and cleanse our heart."
The Open Heart Meditation is located at:
http://heartsanctuary.org/open-hear...itation.html
The written prayer found there is a shortened version of the free audio meditation listed at the bottom of the page available for direct listening. I recommend listening to the audio at least once to get the complete version. It is led by Irmansyah Effendi the founder of Padmacahaya. I believe you can also download the meditation for free by right-clicking on the link 'CLICK TO LISTEN TO OPEN HEART MEDITATION' found at the bottom of the page and selecting 'Save Target As ..' from the popup menu.
Do not be fooled by the simplicity of the smiling exercise and Open Heart Meditation. They work via the direct connection each of us has with Source through the spark of the Creator, the innermost core of our own True Self (atman) located within the heart. Each time we let Source help us by simply letting Source love us accepting the blessings that are always being offered, our love connection and heart grow stronger. For maximum benefit, one could do the smiling exercise followed by the Open Heart Meditation.
The effects of these simple practices is to further strengthen our growing surrender and trust of Source. It truly is a blessing and relief to give up fear, worrying, micro-managing and controlling every little thing in our life and just trust loving Source who has our best interests at heart every moment. Over time, as one continues with these home joys, without having to know how or do anything, the Love and Light penetrates to the core root causes of the negative emotions along with related matters, removes and replaces them with Love and Light. The love and joy that we are return bubbling up, overflowing into life to be shared with others. It works  .
Though the above suggestion is not part of AYP, AYP sets the stage to make all of this work even better. They are very complementary and mutually beneficial. As I mentioned in the other topic 'Smiling Benefit', the effects of their use can bring additional momentum to the Self-Inquiry process learned through AYP.
Perhaps some of this may be of benefit for you.
(You may also enjoy viewing the Open Heart Movie (slide show) at the bottom of the web page).
Love and Light,
Steve |
Edited by - Steve on Aug 20 2009 12:49:31 PM |
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Yonatan
Israel
849 Posts |
Posted - Aug 20 2009 : 3:34:55 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Steve
Perhaps some of this may be of benefit for you.
Definitely..
Thanks very much Steve
I'll take a look, it might bring some peace here..
Thanks |
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Yonatan
Israel
849 Posts |
Posted - Aug 20 2009 : 6:11:06 PM
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Hi,
I just read again your postings and they really encourage me..
So thanks again
Love,
Yonatan |
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brother neil
USA
752 Posts |
Posted - Aug 20 2009 : 10:58:30 PM
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Hi,
I have some things that I need to get off my mind....... (I have someone who I can talk to but this seems like the right place for this)
I have not been honest with myself..well you are right now, and does the past exist?
There are many, MANY layers inside this mind. And many feelings: sadness, anger, aggression, fear. and it seems like the main thing that's keeping those emotions and layers from coming up and being fully recognized is the fear..it seems as though they have come up maybe fear does not want to let them go?
I am a very sad person.. although I don't show it. But is slowly shows itself. And there is a lot of freedom coming out of giving myself the right to feel all these things..find a person smiling, look at them and say, "i am that" are you not?
Well, this is what I have on my mind...
Thanks very much for being here, even if there are no comments or not a lot I know you guys are reading this.. So thank you for that..
Love,
Yonatan
i am you, we are one
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Edited by - brother neil on Aug 20 2009 11:10:12 PM |
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Akasha
421 Posts |
Posted - Aug 21 2009 : 12:07:30 AM
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Fear can be very paralyzing.
Fear, and the other big one is probably anger, are like the mother and father of trying (neg.) emotions....suppose fear is like the grandaddy of all.
Feeer is the source of alot of insecurtity as well as conflict or aggression. This is my take on it.Like that thread gumpi authored 'dealing with anger',we get angry when others around us exhibit signs of fearfulness when we believe they should'nt or we are not threatening.
I had a certaiin amount of fear over xmas(but also the last few years) due to trying personal circusmstances.Then that chaanged and alot of the distubring fear (a disturbing & crippling nervou sort) dissipated in a new situation. Then i discovered ayp, and the stone wall around the heart ,possibly largely as a result of fear was scaled down. I think i had become so emtotionally hardened and de-sensitised,( de-personalised peerhpas psycholgists might call it) that i seemed to not share alot of the joys of living seemingly "normal" people exprerienced daily..
The deeper meditations particularly at the start of ayp when i felt emotional i felt it useful to connect with the heart to go deeper to the centre,to uncover sub-concious contained energies/emotions without an outlet.I fetl like an anvil had been lifted of the chest( as it happens i get less tightnes n the sternum after sitting in siddhasana)and after i felt so grateful.The deepest heavy-ish samadhi meditation was all about the experience of pure true love when i had an awareness of -not this body,not this mind.
The other times i#ve felt relaxed or content was either lying in saavasansa at the end of my ashtanga routine a few years ago or around the company of friends( and i ahad i pretty religious practice which sequenced .in this order--tantra,jala neti, light asana and pranayama warm up.SS's, and then another 2 hrs of asana and a little meditation and jandahara chin-pump at the end or trataka gazing ,and all starting at 4.30am in the morning which i heard was Bhramamutra or the Hour of GOd ,where the prana in the air is supposedly more super-charged at that particular time of day.....i think it is a time when there is less trouble, the demons have retired.......pretty CRAZZZY when i think about it, but i was totally amazed and hooked on the effeects of a deidctaed yoga practice)I'll be frank but to me it was better than sex, all that stretching,internal heating and purification......mmmmmm..there wasa feeling also that i was superhumana and i had found an end to suffering.It's possible i had latenet siddhis, like a state of knowingness that would try to pass itself off as ordinary.
Fast-forward around 3 years ,after a few dark years of the soul( ones permeated with much fear and doubt about my own personal yoga practice/path, and have found.. am doing ayp,In some sense we are all like bees in arriving here that have sought out the pollen...in some sense it was just a matter of time. Yogani is kind of like the queen bee of the hive who inspires us all.As Y says in the first lesson folk who arrive here will almost instinctively know what to do with the practices outlined, appreciate their true power & efficacy, & the revelations discussed,the wonder,& the breadth & scope of toolbox available. That said, with the support stuctures here ,it is like we could never have it so easy.-like D-day or the collapse of communism & the berlin wall(1989) etc
Whenever i read the posts here about folk sharing themselves in a quite personal way, i am filled with great warmth and gratitude and feel my heart-strings pulled,a tenderising and i think --yeah that was nice of him/her to open up like that,bear their soul etc-a river gushes forth and my empthhy for my fellow man is ampllified..I am learning to break down the stone walls i have built up myself over the years to protect my delicate ego and fragile sense of self.I was a very angry young man before i discovered yoga and i may still harbour a warped view of the world, distorted by cynicism and i guess depression(borne from pain and feeling of stucknness or frustration). I think people's openess and sensitivity especially here is borne out of the fact that we do work with highly effective powerful practices, that do uncover, within all of us, multiple layers of (karmic)garbage and self , buried and ingrained through past conditioning and upbringing.
If you met me you would find a gentle sensitive guy.But i think wheni'm really struggling i have hidden behind humour sometimes dark..I guess that and laughter is a yoga technique in itself a bit like samyama.But it is an obscuration, a way of trying to cut through ice.
The hardening of the Heart and emotional disconnectedness will lead to a softening.
And i think Fear can be replaced by Love.It is the basis for our sense of security and (positive) ego so when we experience it iin full-panic mode our sense of self, mind/body identification, is really being threatened or challenged.
Fear gets at the core of our own fragility and vulnerability as I-selves so it's interesting to regularly read about it here,get it confirmed ,again and again. None of us then would appear to be alone in this respect,Yonatan
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miguel
Spain
1197 Posts |
Posted - Aug 21 2009 : 04:41:22 AM
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| Wonderful post Akasha.Thank you. |
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Yonatan
Israel
849 Posts |
Posted - Aug 21 2009 : 07:36:01 AM
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neil,
quote:
I have not been honest with myself..well you are right now, and does the past exist?
That's True, in saying that I've not been honest with myself I am being honest.. The past exists only in my thoughts and memories..
The fear doesn't want to let anything go, it wants control, it want to keep the "I"..
I am finding myself more and more in others.. when I open myself to my surroundings and other people, they get to my core, and the hardness looses some of itself.. It feels like being ALIVE..
Love Brother Neil..
Akasha,
Thanks for your post
"None of us then would appear to be alone in this respect,Yonatan "
Thanks very much Akasha.. Also for sharing your experience..
I am very grateful
Thank you,
Love,
Yonatan |
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brother neil
USA
752 Posts |
Posted - Aug 21 2009 : 6:40:52 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Yonatan
neil,
quote:
I have not been honest with myself..well you are right now, and does the past exist?
That's True, in saying that I've not been honest with myself I am being honest.. The past exists only in my thoughts and memories..
The fear doesn't want to let anything go, it wants control, it want to keep the "I"..
I am finding myself more and more in others.. when I open myself to my surroundings and other people, they get to my core, and the hardness looses some of itself.. It feels like being ALIVE..
Love Brother Neil..
I can relate to the last sentence, I have experienced that more lately too. It is funny to watch. The mind sees what is going on and still can have a hard time snapping out of the lightness of the moment.
thanks for my kind words |
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Yonatan
Israel
849 Posts |
Posted - Aug 27 2009 : 5:07:17 PM
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Steve that smiling exercise is really good. Just sitting there and smiling opens up the heart.
It's beautiful.
Much Love |
Edited by - Yonatan on Aug 27 2009 5:09:53 PM |
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Steve
277 Posts |
Posted - Aug 28 2009 : 4:37:45 PM
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Hi Yonatan, quote:
Steve that smiling exercise is really good. Just sitting there and smiling opens up the heart.
It's beautiful.
Happy you enjoy.
--> --> ... Thank You Beloved True Source.
Love and Light,
Steve |
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Inner Layers
