|
|
 |
|
| Author |
 Topic  |
|
miguel
Spain
1197 Posts |
 Posted - Jun 03 2009 : 12:28:58 PM
|
Hi all.
I have a great problem inside that create lot of frustation and pain here.
I was educated in a very religious environment.But not like other religious families.It was,it is,and environment of one of those "sects" that exist around christianity.They have a more rigid sistem of values and behaviour.
One of those crhistian sects that have influence in educative sistem,have lots of members,and have lots of money.
This is not a negative or positive judgement.I prefer to keep my opinion with me,for the moment.Dont want to hurt other religious people.
I grew up in a very rigid religious environment.Not like normal christians environment.
I received tons of religious information and orders since i was a child.I always saw it like an imposition,but because of being i child,i did all that adult told me.i prayed,talk with the priets,go to church...I followed the rules.No much vicible problem at that age.
I spent lots of years 9-18 years in a non.normal school.It was a speciall school built up for members of that christian sect.
No girls there,out from the town,in the middle of the country,uniform clothes...and lot of religious activities and teachers.
When i began my teenage,i decided to dont follow anymore that religious system.I BEGAN TO RUN AWAY FROM MY ENVIRONMENT.Atraction for alcohol,drugs,sex obssesions,tons of rock and roll....
Then,since my "rebelion",i began to create my own character.I took all the external factors related with rebelion and built up a character.This character is with me (the witness ) today.
But this character always have felt great loneliness,fears,and terrible lack of support.
Until 24 years old i could manage this character.I did what i wanted,altought pain was always there.
But now,i with 26 years i am in serious crisis since two years ago.
The question is that i never feel happy with that character.I never wanted to be that character,but i did for lots of years.
How could i live without that character?its imposible...or my created character or imposed religious character...thats the choose...
Now in this moments,i dont like,dont want that character anymore...im an adult and dont need to act like and teenager.
The problem,the focus of this post,and cause of lot of pain,is the fact that i dont know how to live without following the behaviour of my family.Its related to security.I feel secure in the environment which i never accept and dont accept today also.
When i tried to built up a life with my hands,it always failed,because i was alone,no support.I was running away from my environment,but what a curious thing,i couldnt.The more i run away,the worst i feel inside.What a f... paradox.
Finally,now im living in the old religious environment.Finally i got tired of running and after tons of failed relationships i returned home.
I work in my parents bussiness.Few friends now.The things that a few years filled me with joy,now dont have sense for me.Now the character i built is not useful.And i never felt more lost in all my life.I dont know who i am.I dont feel identify with nobody,with no social group...Its terrible.
I feel alone.Pain,and tired of living.
The only thing that brings a little joy here is doing my shadanna,ayp forums,and helping others the best i can.But i feel lost and lost.
I hink this situation is related to my religious environment and other factors.
Dont know,im only triying to vomit all this darkness inside.Here is the only place i can.And i feel really better.
Feel free for giving me any suggestion.It will be much apreciated here.
I think this problem happens to many people also.
Thanks.
|
Edited by - miguel on Jun 03 2009 12:55:13 PM |
|
|
miguel
Spain
1197 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2009 : 12:46:46 PM
|
And this is a courious thing: im 26 years and i feel as i had lived 80 years.I feel old despite of being young.I cant relate my actual age with my memories.For me,this life is veeeery long unlike other people who says it is short.
Maybe they are more happy.
I have no problem showing my soul here in ayp forums,it doesnt matter for me....altought 2000 people are reading it.Im really tired of this tired life.
I feel i bit overloaded today,yesterday i bought a new chronometer and used it without knowing how to use it very well.and i spent more time than usual in practices...what a mistake... |
Edited by - miguel on Jun 03 2009 1:04:18 PM |
 |
|
|
Yonatan
Israel
849 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2009 : 3:50:21 PM
|
Dear Miguel,
Really sorry to hear you are passing through a hard time. I think you are a really beautiful soul, and I really admire your sincerity, honesty, and Love that you share here in the AYP forum.
I can relate with your feeling of "feeling old", lately I've been also feeling that (I'm 22). But those feelings pass away with time, anything you offer no resistance to and accept, transforms (or becomes much more bearable or even not noticeable), and the sadhana helps a lot.
Trust your self, your inner guru will help you find the way
Love!!!!!
Yonatan |
|
|
|
miguel
Spain
1197 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2009 : 3:56:05 PM
|
Thanks yonathan.You are a beautiful soul also.
Your words are very helpful,because now i feel more sensible than never before in my life.
Sometimes we need a hand from others,somebody who listen us.And its wonderfull to find it here,for example.Then the opening process is less hard.
Ill keep on fightin,of course
Thanks!!! |
Edited by - miguel on Jun 03 2009 4:19:13 PM |
|
|
|
miguel
Spain
1197 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2009 : 4:00:49 PM
|
And i understand if all we would do this,this forums will be longer than mahabbaratha...sorry if sometimes i only think of me,i know all we have our own problems... |
Edited by - miguel on Jun 03 2009 4:19:13 PM |
|
|
|
Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2009 : 4:18:24 PM
|
Hi Miguel
Thank you for your courageous sharing
First of all:
Take heart
Although this may be hard for us to see when we "live in the shadow of past patterns" ......what we long for...inner peace, sense of purpose, strength, connectedness, clear direction, love of life and spirit flowing from heart, Joy.....all these are much closer to where you are right now than what the mind can assess.
The fact that you have "given up" the old carracter and moved "back home" does not mean that you are a "lost case". On the contrary...there may be many reasons why this is happening the way it is. It does not mean you are staying there forever, but for all we know....the place where you are at now...it may be the very best place for you to transcend the past. You are certainly right within it, aren't you.....and you are certainly not "running away". So - keep meditating, self-pace according to need....and please know that the change on the "outside" will gradually manifest along with the gradual change on the "inside".
Please remember.....it is always the mind that is most lost This is bound to happen whenever one is transcending old patterns. I too grew up in a very, very strict setting.....and the painful imprint of that takes time...and a lot of love from within yourself...to heal properly. We are not here to build carracters. On the contrary...we are here to transcend them....so that Life can play through us.
Mind is insecurity itself....it does not like change not initiated by itself.....it is always fickle when resting on it's own legs only.....the feeling of being lost is actually the true state of the bodymind when it is not firmly grounded in inner silence. The fact that life allows for the kind of pain you are going through....althoug this is hard to see when enmeshed in it....it has it's own inbuilt intelligence. It teaches the bodymind that it is not master of the house. And when you start meditating, this inner...undressing of the mind.....it accelerates. All because you are Loved, Miguel. That which loves you is within you...and it has many ways of communicating. Pain is one of them.
The mind letting go of itself into inner silence....this takes time. So be gentle with it. Gentle...but firm. Love the mind into quietude.....don't resist it. However...don't let it have it's way with you. It is just like raising a child. Patience is needed. And growth will happen in it's natural tempo. You are already aiding this by your AYP practices....the rest.....trust that it will flow from here.
And again: Take heart....things are always already changing when you are sincere and coming from heart like you are
And here......the times when the lostness is the greatest.....if the lostness is allowed and not analyzed......these are the times that always end up being turning points....openings...to the infinite depth within. Just like you have described it in many posts here already.
Please keep sharing - there are so many others "out there" who benefit from you being open like this...this alone is a huge difference in your life.....and it doesn't stop here....
quote:
Finally,now im living in the old religious environment.Finally i got tired of running and after tons of failed relationships i returned home.
Sometimes....stability is a blessing...and luckily....practices can be done anywhere. Also....you are actually placed by life in the very setting you set out to avoid in the first place. All of your family members serve as mirrors for you...to see what you are not. You will know how to act...what to say....what not to say......all will come to you from within. So cultivate That which is within...all else will follow rightly. Being able to transcend the past...right where it is......will certainly impact the way you see yourself now and in the future. And when it is time to move....you will know it.
So....home and HOME may not be so different after all
Remember.....we are all portable heavens..... *lol*.....deep down
|
|
|
|
Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2009 : 4:19:55 PM
|
Yonatan and Miguel...we cross posted
Yes.....old souls we are |
|
|
|
miguel
Spain
1197 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2009 : 4:51:40 PM
|
Many strange things are happening.This is a hard phase of my life.I dont run away now,im passingh troght it.
But on the other hand i see tons of miracles and magic in my life this time of my life. They happen realy clearly and i think it cant be possible,im dreaming.
I spent the last year covered by infinite sorrow.Crying with my soul.Its different than crying with the body...
I lost lots of friend due to this phase,because of distance and karma changes.
Running away i created two worlds: one in the city i went away,and one here,in my own town.
I was all the 5 years in the new town wich i arrived,but the other side of me in the old city.
In the new town i had great openings,for the first time of my live living,with tons of hapiness and friends,and with tons of sorrow and pain and loneliness also.I love that times.
I returned 2 years ago after ending the career.I came here for job and i know,cz i have to satay here now.The last times in the city wich i went away was full of emptiness,loneliness,and a sense of being lost.In that city i tasted all the things i always have wanted to taste.And now i dont wish them anymore.I have lost interest in drugs,sex,music,alcohol,fiesta.....im tired of that....all i want now is real human relationships,ral evolution,real souls,real love,infinite realms of life,inspiration,God,love,love and love!....
Recently i joined a theatre group.There i met a guy who was exactly phisicaly and internaly like my best friend in the city i went for studying.First,i look at him thinking "hes physically identical haha",and after talking with him somedays "wow!i cant believe it,hes the same person i other place !!!".I knew the universe put him there for helping me.Now hes my best friend here,in my old twown.
The problem now is that when i try to do thin gs that made me happpy in the town where i studied,now io feel lot of difficult and gilty for doing it here.This city is full of symbols for me.More than in the other city of course.
Wow,im writing like Valmiki in person... |
Edited by - miguel on Jun 03 2009 4:57:21 PM |
|
|
|
miguel
Spain
1197 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2009 : 4:53:39 PM
|
Katrine,i have in mind your message,but sorry,after reading your message,tears came and i felt the need for writing more and expel more pain.Im gonna answer you of course as soon as possible.Your messages are deep messagges and i need to reflect about them with mind and soul.
|
Edited by - miguel on Jun 03 2009 4:55:24 PM |
|
|
|
miguel
Spain
1197 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2009 : 5:04:30 PM
|
Wow,lot of relax now,and i feel nerves in the legs releasing,easing (physicaly)
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
|
Edited by - miguel on Jun 03 2009 5:05:29 PM |
|
|
|
Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2009 : 5:04:36 PM
|
Hi Miguel
quote:
The problem now is that when i try to do thin gs that made me happpy in the town where i studied,now io feel lot of difficult and gilty for doing them here.This city is full of symbols for me.
Yes......you know...those feelings of ....being "locked".... and guilt.....if you can gently allow them.....they will release themselves. And....very gently...you can see if it is possible to - one step at a time - do that which comes from heart. Even though it might "collide" with inner symbology. If you ever so gently challenge the truth of the symbols...by acting from heart...not from the past, then gradually....the inner tracks will dissolve and you will flow in this "old" setting too.
quote:
Katrine,i have in mind your message,but sorry,after reading your message,tears came and i felt the need for writing more and expel more pain.
Don't be sorry......you don't need any message in mind...so long as heart is open
All is well
|
|
|
|
miguel
Spain
1197 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2009 : 5:05:50 PM
|
| yes i know,we crossposted |
|
|
|
Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2009 : 5:06:25 PM
|
We cross posted again Miguel
I have to ask you.....being of a curious nature......*lol*...who is Valmiki?? |
|
|
|
miguel
Spain
1197 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2009 : 5:12:14 PM
|
quote:
Yes......you know...those feelings of ....being "locked".... and guilt.....if you can gently allow them.....they will release themselves. And....very gently...you can see if it is possible to - one step at a time - do that which comes from heart. Even though it might "collide" with inner symbology. If you ever so gently challenge the truth of the symbols...by acting from heart...not from the past, then gradually....the inner tracks will dissolve and you will flow in this "old" setting too.
Yes im doing it,every day,every second...with all my strenght,believe me,with all my strenght...and the day that i will see the sun again...(of course it will happen)...i dont know what will i do...i dont know,but that day ill be in heaven in life.
quote:
Don't be sorry......you don't need any message in mind...so long as heart is open
haha...wonderfull!!!(but i will do,because i dont have reflect about that "sutra message" yet)
|
Edited by - miguel on Jun 03 2009 5:14:32 PM |
|
|
|
miguel
Spain
1197 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2009 : 5:13:52 PM
|
| haha...hes the person who wrote the Ramayana and other Hindu books. |
|
|
|
Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2009 : 5:22:20 PM
|
Hi Miguel
I'm finding my pillow now....but just this:
quote:
quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes......you know...those feelings of ....being "locked".... and guilt.....if you can gently allow them.....they will release themselves. And....very gently...you can see if it is possible to - one step at a time - do that which comes from heart. Even though it might "collide" with inner symbology. If you ever so gently challenge the truth of the symbols...by acting from heart...not from the past, then gradually....the inner tracks will dissolve and you will flow in this "old" setting too.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes im doing it,every day,every second...with all my strenght,believe me,with all my strenght...and the day that i will see the sun again...(of course it will happen)...i dont know what will i do...i dont know,but that day ill be in heaven in life.
Yes....you are very earnest and sincere Miguel....
One time....many years ago....I was up in the mountains...lying on the cabin bed crying......being lost in "my own house".....and all of a sudden...this great calm swept through everything....and this non-audible voice said inside:
"Dare to be weak! Hidden within your weakness is immense strength"
And that....was that
Must go to bed now |
|
|
|
miguel
Spain
1197 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2009 : 5:24:40 PM
|
| only laughing of my funny commentary about Valmiki of course |
|
|
|
Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2009 : 5:25:09 PM
|
quote:
I have to ask you.....being of a curious nature......*lol*...who is Valmiki??
quote:
haha...hes the person who wrote the Ramayana and other Hindu books.
Great! Thanks Miguel
|
|
|
|
miguel
Spain
1197 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2009 : 5:26:48 PM
|
Yes,im finding my sweet pillow now also,it was a hard inner day....
Tomorrow more and better....some days are like three days here...like today..and my soul is very tired now...
Good dreams between the angels dear Katrine.I feel your presence and healing hand despite of the distance
Tomorrow in the evening ill answer you |
Edited by - miguel on Jun 03 2009 5:31:57 PM |
|
|
|
miguel
Spain
1197 Posts |
Posted - Jun 04 2009 : 09:55:12 AM
|
Thank you very much Katrine.
But there is a thing that is here constantly...
I feel great guilty for not following religion patterns of one member of my family.
He says always im wrong and i must converse to christianity,to clean up my soul via conffesion,and go to church every sundays....and pray every day...
He believes the world is ruled nowadays by satan and things like that.
The question is that person is the person that rules in my house.
I love him,but i hate him at the same time.
The strange thing is that inside me,i know i want to follow his rules,but on the other hand i dont want,cz i feel im selling my freedom to a religios community.
I know this,because sometimes when i feel im in a risky situation in my life i use christian prays and think "I have been a bad guy....im going to hell....i didnt clean my soul at confession"
The question is that i think i have got over that things,but very deep inside me i know the first thing i catch when i am afraid or in a risky situation are my familie believes,because i think is the only thing that can save me....
Religious believes are inside us and altought you think you dont belive,im sure if lot opf people,like me,would be in the bed in the last moments of the life,will take a confession and pray thousand of prayers,because of fear.
¿Is there any way to trascend religious beliefs and fear of death?
|
Edited by - miguel on Jun 04 2009 10:06:53 AM |
|
|
|
CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Jun 04 2009 : 10:57:58 AM
|
Hi Miguel....
I too grew up in a very Christian household and your postings bring a deep recollection here. I have been there my brother. What I have had to tell my family, and the only sentence that has kept them off my back for the past few months was telling them this: "To me spirituality is individual. Organized spirituality becomes religion and religion is based on ritual. To me, there are as many paths to the Divine as there are people in the world, and I will meet you in "heaven" even though you think I am headed for "hell"." Saying this to my family seemed to help them clue in to the fact that I am conscious about my eternal destiny and that I haven't forgotten that this life is not all there is. This combined with them seeing me go into my practices twice a day when around them has convinced them that I am still on "a" path to God. It may not be "their" path, but I have not forgotten about God and I am still focused on the "salvation of my soul" as they would put it. I don't know if this helps you in any way, I just felt led to share. You aren't alone my brother.
Love,
Carson |
Edited by - CarsonZi on Jun 04 2009 10:59:48 AM |
|
|
|
miguel
Spain
1197 Posts |
Posted - Jun 04 2009 : 12:21:50 PM
|
Thanks Carson.
I think your post helps.
Maybe you coulkd not believe me,but i had a little intuition that you had lived simmilar things.
Dont know why...but maybe you said that sometime in one of your posts,or maybe that intuition came to me after reading them.
Dont know Crason,but the only thing i can say to you is that i feel you very nearly in this forum since the first day i entered here. There were times when i dreamed at night that i was talking with people of the forum and you were always on the dreams.
I tell you this sincerely and without  intentions (that stupid fears between us, men)
All we are connected
This is a courious things that happens.dont know if you experienced some simmilar things.
I have told my family about what you say,i helps only a little,my father still think im wrong...
really i have a problem with my father,mum is a very nice person...
|
Edited by - miguel on Jun 04 2009 12:27:28 PM |
|
|
|
miguel
Spain
1197 Posts |
Posted - Jun 04 2009 : 12:31:02 PM
|
Take this information Carson,and value it...open you self...im sure i could be a help in your path,like light in your path.I feel that connection is there for helping.
And of course,thanks for you attention and advices.I feel your helping hand in this topic.
Maybe risky posts,but i had some intuitions with you person.And i know maybe im wrong,but my experience in the past with this intuitions always was right.
You have a big hearth men,and the world needs people like you.
Carry on with practices! |
Edited by - miguel on Jun 04 2009 12:43:19 PM |
|
|
|
miguel
Spain
1197 Posts |
Posted - Jun 04 2009 : 12:38:50 PM
|
| -just Feel it- |
|
|
|
CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Jun 04 2009 : 12:42:28 PM
|
Hi Miguel.....
Perhaps you read this topic here http://www.aypsite.org/forum/topic....OPIC_ID=4628 and that is how you knew I was in the same boat?
I know it can be difficult to explain to someone who believes that God is external what you are going through, but as Katrine says in the linked thread:
"Don't let anyone diminish your own experience.
Don't let anyone stop you from enjoying your inner preciousness."
You can't "make" your father understand anything. All you can do is live by example. This is the approach I have been resigned to taking with my family. And it seems to be working. They can see the difference in every area of my life and they are less apt to give me the whole "you're going to Hell if you don't accept that noone comes to the father except through me (Jesus)" speach now. My advice to you would be to try as best as you can to stay out of arguements over doctrine and try to show your father/family through your actions and through the obvious inner silence you have, that you are on "a" path to God even if it isn't the exact same as their path. It may take time or it may never make a difference, but this is all you can do. Hopefully soon your family will learn to respect your choices/path and will begin to be able to see the similarities between your path and theirs. This is starting to happen with my family now. In fact, just this weekend a cousin of mine told me about an OBE he had on a high dose of LSD and this got us into the topic of meditation and he and his girlfriend have just started AYPractices because of this. Don't expect that your parents will change, but learn to accept their position as as valid as yours and perhaps they will learn to do the same.
I'm sorry if this is still of little to no help. It's a tough situation I know. Good luck my Brother.
Love,
Carson
|
Edited by - CarsonZi on Jun 04 2009 12:45:34 PM |
|
|
|
miguel
Spain
1197 Posts |
Posted - Jun 04 2009 : 12:50:36 PM
|
Thanks Carson.Only your presence helps,dont worry
After wrting the last posts to you something was activated here,lots of energy running ,specially trought arms and head.
All we are connected,im sure.
Sorry,but Whats an OBE? its like astral travels?
I am working exactly in wath you are talking about,and its going better each day,but very very slowly,is like walking on bubble gum...
Sriously,your words like katrine words helps A LOT for the nearly presence i feel.
Thanks |
Edited by - miguel on Jun 04 2009 1:08:51 PM |
|
|
|
Topic |
|
|
|
| AYP Public Forum |
© Contributing Authors (opinions and advice belong to the respective authors) |
|
|
|
|
Religion and people.
