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tadeas
Czech Republic
314 Posts |
 Posted - May 14 2009 : 07:38:13 AM
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First, what is polyamory?
"Polyamory is a philosophy that is about non-possessive love. Embracing this philosophy is non-quantitative and arises from a desire to experience the giving and receiving of love without conditions."
Here are some quotes from a book I've read recently: Spiritual Polyamory by Mystic Life.
The quotes can be inspiring, but ultimately, I think it comes down to knowing our selves in stillness, as stillness, as everything. Seeing that there are no barriers to begin with.
Here we go:
I am working towards Loa [love of all], and feel that polyamory arises naturally from a state of loving all people. This path requires owning jealousy as it arises, accepting others as they are, developing my own sense of personal wholeness, and letting go of the belief that loving someone more means loving someone else less.
For example, you can most likely appreciate that if you have a friend who makes a new friend, that doesn’t have to pose a threat to the relationship you have with your friend. You want that person to be happy. You can therefore practice compersion, the opposite of jealousy, which states that you gain happiness when those you care about are more happy. This involves non-attachment to your ego’s goals of having everyone to yourself. Once you are able to see how sexual possession has become an “accepted attachment” in your society, you can then introduce sexuality into the above “multiple friendship” scenario, and see how your responsibility to yourself is to release your attachments as opposed to struggling to preserve them.
Why would you ever “leave” someone you loved if they accepted you unconditionally? You may spend different amounts of time with your lover in the future, but if both people involved in this relationship trust their path, they understand that whatever situation they find themselves in is perfect for their current lessons.
There is no greater sense of security in a relationship than knowing that your love is not threatened by the presence of more love.
The remembrance that you as an individual are completely whole is crucial. If you feel dependent upon multiple partners that is just as unhealthy (if not more unhealthy) than being dependent in a monogamous relationship. Remember that love is an expansion of your wholeness, but that nobody should be treated like a “vital organ” that you need for your survival.
Poly is not about numbers… it is about love. If you want to love multiple people without sex entering the interaction then that is what is right for you.
It is hard to go back to seeing Earth as anything but a sphere when you’ve seen images taken from space. And when you experience the liberation of compersion (the opposite of jealousy) it’s hard to go back to believing that jealousy arises from anything that has to do with love.
If you want peace, you will want to let go of controlling relationships. If you cling to controlling others you can almost guarantee that you will not find peace. There may be brief moments during which people are playing the role you would prefer that they play, but invariably they will eventually be themselves, and so it is best to just let go.
Four spiritual concepts which can be found in various forms cross-culturally are nonjudgment, forgiveness, non-attachment and compassion. Polyamory offers many opportunities to practice these ideas. In a traditional monogamous relationship you are typically given societal “permission” to:
1. Judge your lover’s desires towards others.
2. Not forgive any “straying” or “cheating” behavior.
3. Attach your sense of wholeness to the other’s behavior.
4. Show compassion unless their behavior threatens your sense of safety.
Here are the typical stages of an intimate
relationship:
1. Have sex.
2. Live together.
3. Get married.
4. Have children.
5. Divorce or stay together until death.
Here is my suggestion for a new progression of an intimate relationship:
1. Learn to experience yourself as whole.
2. Let your lover/s and yourself be free.
3. Continue to love more.
4. Remain unconcerned about the form in which your love manifests itself.
(The order in which these occur is not important.)
Polyamory involves the risk of being fully known. Many people take the risk of being fully known by their friends, but not by a person with whom they are intimately involved.
Sex without judgment with someone who sees all of you does not simply express in words that you are beautiful, it communicates on a deep level that you are seen and you are valued.
If we eliminate the “us and them” mentality we can realize there is no one to fight against except our own self-imposed limitations. Sexual freedom is a fractal of the liberation we can experience on all levels.
Love is expansive. It is also natural to become intimate with those we love who are not physically repulsive to us. Look out everyone! You can’t hold back the floodgates much longer. We’re becoming too sensitive and psychic to lie to each other any longer. Our souls crave truth too greatly to pretend that we are only attracted to one person.
You are your own soul mate. There are far too many lessons to be learned to expect one person to be the source of your ongoing evolution. It is tempting to simply try to stop this story… stop the growth… stop the change. Instead of seeing how we create the pain in our minds, it’s very tempting to think that a soul mate will make everything simply stop and in this space we will find eternal bliss.
Jealousy arises from the notion that if someone enjoys apples they must stop enjoying oranges. Subtle competition between friends for the attention of a potential lover keeps us stuck in a primitive ape state that prevents our harmonious release from the hell of separation. Of course, if we release the notion that apples negate oranges and vice versa we eliminate the need for scarcity thinking.
If you become sexual with a friend, it is important to not fall into any roles or patterns, or feel a need to define that relationship in traditional socialized terms. There is no need to try to figure out what will happen next or what this “means.”
Friends often make great lovers because the heart connection is already present. You know, trust and understand each other. Fear not to enhance that intimacy. If your friendship is true and deep, it will take more than sexuality to threaten its sustainability.
You’re whole. Love is an expansion of your wholeness.
People do not own each other in any manner.
Polyamory is the beginning of an exploration into love that is beyond form. Although some in the poly realm choose to maintain roles (husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend), others are letting go of form and experiencing love that is beyond labels or roles.
Living in the present is a spiritual aspiration of many who are on the path to awareness. To truly live in the moment requires a tremendous amount of letting go. Some are willing to let go of projections about where they will live in the future, what work they will be doing, etc., yet resist letting go of the idea of who they will be loving (and, more importantly, who will be loving them).
I ascertain that as our individual wholeness becomes a more important aspect of our identity, concern with labels/roles/form in relation to love and sex will peel away like dead skin.
Neither monogamy or polyamory can liberate someone from dependence. Polyamory can become multiple-monogamy, multiple-dependence. There is no liberation except for the release from attachment to the form in which you experience love.
Our sociobiological tendency [is] to believe that wholeness comes in the form of partnership/coupling/tripling, etc.
Surrender into your own wholeness. Feel its warmth and genuine comfort.
Open yourself to knowing only the form love is taking in this moment. When you know that you are fine regardless of whether or not you are in a sexual relationship with zero, one, two or more people you can feel free. Do not cling to what was or what is. Let it be, evolve and become.
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Edited by - tadeas on May 15 2009 09:05:29 AM |
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Kirtanman
USA
1651 Posts |
Posted - May 14 2009 : 10:17:41 PM
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Thanks for posting this, Tadeas.
A powerful and important topic, and dialog, to be sure.
The illusion of separate self is the fundamental illusion (I know that elsewhere I call it the "thought self" - same thing) --- though what is *effectively* as fundamental is that which keeps the fundamental illusion in place.
And what is effectively as fundamental as *that* secondary illusion, which keeps the fundamental illusion in place -- is the *tertiary* illusion of living as though those first two illusions are real ... and living life (or the thought-self's dream imitation of life) based on what the specific conditioning of the thought-self considers good or bad.
Am I making this up on the fly?
Not quite.
Abhinavagupta and friends covered it nicely roughly a thousand years ago.
The primary illusion is called Anavamala - the veil of the separate self.
The secondary illusion is called Mayiyamala - the veil of the ideas of limitation, aka Maya - "to measure" ("I, Me & Mine" as the Bhagavad Gita says).
The tertiary illusion is called Karmamala - the veil of Good and Bad action (and/or Knowledge of Good and Evil -- same dream; same root, same tree, same fruit.)
So, in a dream where reality is obscured by all three veils ... where does one begin?
Kriyayoga/Action (Practices) erases Karmamala
(Most of AYP falls into this "Practices/Action" category).
Jnanayoga/Knowing (Clear Mind) erases Mayiyamala.
(AYP Self-Inquiry and related mind/awareness teachings and discussions falls into this "Empowered Mind/Knowing" category).
Icchayoga/Will (Unbound Awareness) erases Anavamala
(Pure Bliss Consciousness, Outpouring of Divine Love, realization-enlightenment, etc. -- comprises this category -- which are basically the results of AYP & Inner Guru Guidance).
I love how *neatly* this all fits ... the specific yoga-level, more or less, cures the specific illusion level!
Which isn't to say that someone at the "Empowered Level" (per this system - Trika Yoga or Kashmir Shaivism; these levels aren't formally part of AYP ..... they're just AUM ---- Another Useful Map  ) won't have any judgments of Good/Bad ... but rather, that this attitude of mind, the most external level of illusion, tends to subside a *lot* by the time this level is essentially completed (which doesn't mean practices stop .... these are more "loose but meaningful reference points" than definitive lines or levels; it means more that subjective view *evolves* as layers of illusion are released.)
These levels are also known as:
Anavopaya (Individual Means)
Shaktopaya (Empowered Means)
Shambhavopaya (Divine Means)
A custom combination of these levels is at the heart of every awakening.
What does this have to do with Polyamory?
Only Everything.
Because ultimately, it's not actually about Polyamory ... it's about "Unamory" - One Love.
I agree with the statements in your post (though there were a lot of them - statements - so I can't say for sure .... which is fine .... some other AYPers manage to say stuff using a lot of words, too .......  ).
Plainly Said: there's not too much that tends to keep the illusion of the separate me, *or* the separate "you" in place, than the ego's ideas about love.
A lot of people hear "Love your neighbor as yourself" and think that it means we should love our neighbor with kindness and caring because they're just like us. Or something.
Which misses the entire point.
"Love your neighbor as Your SELF."
Only the dream of separation could think it wise to know-love otherwise.
Ideas about possession in love, and what's "right" or "wrong"; or jealousy, or even good ol' well-meaning but always-insane insecurity .... are not love.
They have nothing to do with love.
Neither does having "my needs met." <- Gotta give the thought-self *some* credit .... it's *good* in a perpetuating-hell kinda way .....
We all know real loving.
Because at Heart, *as* Heart - we are real loving.
Love doesn't "get" .... Love getting is kinda like "wind sucking" .... some thought-me could probably dream up a way this happens .... but it's at odds with the very reality.
When Loving is fully in place ... you know yourself, fundamentally, to BE your Beloved.
Her/His joy is your joy.
Her/His sorrow is your sorrow.
Her/His enlightenment is your highest priority -- first and foremost by realizing true nature in each/both/all of you ..... because in real loving, it can't be any other way.
Helping every moment He/She/They/It/ALL  experience to be uplifting if possible, happy if possible, wonderful if possible ... is natural, is inherent once the dream of selfish thought-me dissolves.
The mind doesn't want to hear this.
The heart can't help it.
True loving can't see the Beloved as an object.
It's too busy knowing the Beloved as "shared subject" - as the Oneness.
Loving is indeed a gateway HOME.
Sadly, it is so often cited as a fortress barring the way to HOME.
Giving Loving is all that matters.
Giving Loving and Reality are not-different.
Giving Loving is not the "sacrifice" of one who "gives, and gives and gives" ... that's the other side of the coin of "getting, and getting and getting" ... and it works just as well to keep the dream in place.
Enlightenment is Align-enment is EnLOVINGment.
"Same".
If you feel you don't know true loving, or have issues in the area of loving ... just open Heart all the way .... and LOVE as all you are.
Loving isn't something you can get.
Loving isn't something you can do.
Ultimately - LOVING *is* True Nature.
Relationship (of any/all kinds, apparently ....) is an ideal opportunity for realizing ... because realization isn't about you attaining something .... realization is about union.
If the thought-self is dropped, and relationship - giving loving - is present - union *is* -- and there is no greater joy, anywhere.
It's why we do this.
This.
This human thing.
As Abhinavagupta says:
The true nature of 'I', in embodied humanity, is called 'Us'".
Intending the Awakening of Loving as ALL,
Kirtanman
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Edited by - Kirtanman on May 15 2009 5:57:43 PM |
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - May 15 2009 : 01:11:16 AM
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Thank you for great posts, tadeas and Kirtanman!
Yes, this topic is prone to be very complex when discussed. I agree with the notions above in both posts.
What I see easily happens, though, is that many who have not tasted Real Love (the way Kirtanman describes it so beautifully, THANKS K!) but strongly believe the message from a mindy place will use polyamory for the sake of their ego's.
It's hard enough to get ONE relationship to work, and to love One being deeply, honestly, fully and totally and accept absolutely everything about that person, and be able to take all patterns that show up. What I have seen in my area of friends who live polyamorous is that they instead use this ideology to flee the hardships of "accepting what IS" when it turns up in a relationship. They say they "set that person free etc" but what they actually do is closing off a bit, creating a comfortable distance to what their minds do not want, and go seek another being to compensate the lack of harmony. This is the backside of the coin with polyamorous living as I have seen it.
However, I have also seen polyamorous living working quite well, but then... there's great Mastery behind. Without self-realization, I'd say polyamory is a tough way to travel towards that realization, since you won't be in a process where there's cleaning going on of only your own and your single partner's patterns... if there are many partners - all of their patterns will be rising as well during the purification process. That's the tricky part... and that's when the running away starts... if they are not awake enough to love the One Love, always.
Just my two cents... |
Edited by - emc on May 15 2009 01:18:07 AM |
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tadeas
Czech Republic
314 Posts |
Posted - May 15 2009 : 08:54:19 AM
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The quotes for me serve mainly as an inspiration and as reflection of the almost institutionalised barriers that are playing inbetween us.
I agree Kirtanman, let's aim for unamory
For some time, I've been trying to put into words what you mention and what Abhinavagupta wrote. Thanks much :)
At the root of this whole opening-up process are our practices, dissolving barriers from the inside. Then we can do self-inquiry... and more stuff peels off. And I think that we can take some sort of this inquiry process to the level of our interpersonal relationships and the way we relate to everything. It's actually happening all the time as the whole world is constatnly restructuring itself :) Maybe in time we can bring more inner silence and "relational-ness" to the process.
Even though we may see to a certain extent who we deeply are, we can still be using so much of our energy to construct and to keep up the "secondary and tertiary" illusions.
As many say, the mind functions based on the relative presence or absence of inner illumination. So that again means that to take polyamory or uniamory or any philosophy or crede on the level of mind - to try to transform mind with mind - is difficult. So we practice :)
There is great potential in learning to "relate" from silence... to silence :) No relationship, really, but the energy of giving loving as you call it, Kirtanman, is there, in the sharing, in mutual giving and being.
"they instead use this ideology to flee the hardships of "accepting what IS" when it turns up in a relationship. They say they "set that person free etc" but what they actually do is closing off a bit, creating a comfortable distance to what their minds do not want"
Love is openness. So the whole matter is only as complex as the complexity of our own barriers that prevent us from experiencing this openness. In the end, we all meet in our inner silence. Consciously or not. In opening up to each other, we need to be totally honest, I think. When there is inner silence, then the arising barriers can be dissolved and there is no need to "split up", close off, put up new barriers again.
Afterall, it's just love flowing... openness/stillness, moving :)
"Her/His enlightenment is your highest priority -- first and foremost by realizing true nature in each/both/all of you ..... because in real loving, it can't be any other way.
Relationship (of any/all kinds, apparently ....) is an ideal opportunity for realizing ... because realization isn't about you attaining something .... realization is about union."
Great
Osho says: "Love is a natural kind of meditation. And meditation is a supernatural kind of love."
Thanks. |
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Lacinato
USA
98 Posts |
Posted - May 24 2009 : 4:31:21 PM
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Polyamory involves the risk of being fully known. Many people take the risk of being fully known by their friends, but not by a person with whom they are intimately involved.
How is this? It seems easier to escape being fully known by one if I go to different people for different intimate needs. Can someone explain this? |
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solo
USA
167 Posts |
Posted - May 24 2009 : 10:20:24 PM
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To me, polyamory would appear to about lack of discipline, lack of commitment, and ultimately more attachment, not less. It would appear to be about giving into desires rather than self control and self discipline. A monogomous relationship is special and unique and does not require the participants to not love anyone else, merely to limit the sexual expression of love to one person.
Of course, I can't say that I am speaking from experience because I have not tried polyamory. But my intimate relationships have always evolved towards exlcusivity. To take that specialness and apply it to numnerous relationships simultaneously just seems contradictory to my nature. |
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tadeas
Czech Republic
314 Posts |
Posted - May 25 2009 : 08:46:52 AM
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Lacinato, I think it depends on one's motivation. If you're going at it from the side of wanting to open it all up, all the relationships, then it's part of your inquiry process to let all the barriers go, let all your "needs" go.
You can let a concept like polyamory inspire you. There is a potential in it. If you're not inspired, who cares :) let it go :) |
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Excerpts from: Spiritual Polyamory by Mystic Life
