|
|
 |
|
| Author |
 Topic  |
|
|
Jack
United Kingdom
305 Posts |
 Posted - Apr 23 2009 : 2:30:20 PM
|
Hello,
Just to set the scene:
Due to some serious emotional upheaval, overwhelm, and ungroundedness with in my praftice along with some big real life slaps in the face, I stopped AYP practice a month or two ago in favour of getting a counsellor, working out regularly and giving myself abdominal massage.
Now, I've felt pretty much like a wreck, with up days and down days, for months now. I have 'real issues' that need working on, but there is still this almost constant sense of dreariness, pointlessness, and anxiety.
I feel like my nervous system is in proper 'burnout'.
So, today I am sitting at my computer working. I feel especially restless today. While I sit, typing away, some habit lodged in my nervous system starts AYAMing, just a few times. Almost immediately I notice a shift in perspective from 'me' to 'the still depths of bare witnessing'. Suddenly, I am not the body, I am just watching it, with some bewilderment, type away, breathe, do its thing. I look at the other people in the office and whilst the mind still sees them as people, I am directly aware that it is all just 'the one'.
It is like my attention has been 100% absorbed in this 1% surface layer of duality, when most of reality is happening in the still depths behind it.
Now, stillness simply is, indepedent of 'my' attitudes towards it.
It was really strange, like, stillness was my TRUE SELF and yet it was DEVOID OF SELF/DIVISION. Like closer to 'me' than my personality, yet totally impersonal. Bizarre.
Now, this is okay. It is a very recontextualising, blissful perspective to have, until the 'ego' responds.
The only way I can describe myself in the presence of stillness is.. weird. Like one of those 'strange mystical folk'. Example - somebody was doing a tea round in the office and asked "Cup of tea, or forever hold your peace." to which I replied "Well, I would rather have peace forever than a cup of tea".
Now, that made perfect sense to me at the time - I would rather dwell in infinite beingness than lose myself in a cup of tea.. but come on, thats just plain fricking WEIRD to say out loud!!
Another thing is that when you touch on these truths, and then go and talk to people, most people are kind of expecting you to be a 'something', you know what I mean? Its not evil of them or anything, but when they talk to you, there's a kind of unwritten agreement that you will talk back, or find a shared wavelength to communicate through. This is something I enjoy, UNTIL inner silence comes up. Then I am just witnessing creation in the form of this being. Its hard to speak in social boxes and banter with people from here.
Basically, my human and my being are conflicted. My being delves deep into stillness, but my human wants to forget about these things and bury itself in this shared social wavelength.
Sometimes I feel deep bhakti, sometimes I wish I'd never stumbled across meditation so that I could feel 'normal'.
Its like that Mooji satsand video somebody linked the other day, where that guy said to Mooji, "I, Dennis, don't exist."
And Mooji replied, "You say that back home, Dennis, and your boss will tell you that your paycheck doesn't exist either."
And thats the clinch.
And behind the clinch is 'control'. And it seems real freedom and release is from letting go of that hope to have controlled anything, anyway.
So, for ten seconds of Ayaming, I was given a half hour altered state. I'm not sure its good for me, it triggers hallucinogen-style states in me.
Its like sometimes all I have to do is centre awareness on itself, and within seconds I get massive kriyas, energy rushes, etc.,
Is there an 'off' button for this process? Because I sure miss having a strong sense of self.
LOL.
Thanks for listening..
Jack
|
|
|
CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Apr 23 2009 : 2:42:50 PM
|
Hi Jack....
I learned yesterday that what you are experiencing, this emotional upheaval, is in the stars . There is a Cosmic Detox going on supposedly and now is the time for resolution and openings. Take some time to focus on exactly what you are feeling at any given moment. Allow yourself to fully feel your suffering or your ecstatic pleasure. And then let go of it. It is a time for growth and personal understandings. Spend some time in meditation and see what happens. Then spend some time grounding. And enjoy yourself while doing it all. Much love.
Love,
Carson |
 |
|
|
Jack
United Kingdom
305 Posts |
Posted - Apr 23 2009 : 3:21:26 PM
|
Hey again Carson,
Interesting you'd say that - your accupuncturist is cute, btw!
How long has this 'detox' been going on for, apparently? Because this issue became really highlighted around New Year's.
You remember the sexual issues I was talking about? Well, on Saturday I am going to this sex therapy/surrogacy centre to work on that issue. Exciting stuff.
Would you comment more on your experience with accupuncture?
I feel I have a very unbalanced system, early hair loss, lots of fatigue, stress, mental tension, weak erections, repressed emotion poor circulation to extremities.. perhaps accupuncture might be a useful balancing medium for me!
I was also reading about this 'tantric massages', they look a bit crazy. |
|
|
|
CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Apr 23 2009 : 3:50:55 PM
|
Hi Jack....
quote:
Originally posted by Jack
Interesting you'd say that - your accupuncturist is cute, btw!
Yes, and she is deceptively young looking too. She is not young at all . She is an amazing woman.
quote:
Originally posted by Jack
How long has this 'detox' been going on for, apparently? Because this issue became really highlighted around New Year's.
Actually she didn't really say when this started. At the beginning of the session when she told me about this she said she had some literature if I wanted it, but by the end of the treatment I had totally forgot to grab it. Unfortunately I won't be seeing her until the middle of May now, so I won't be able to ask either. Perhaps someone else here on the forum knows? Anyone out there in "forumland" an astrologer or know one?
quote:
Originally posted by Jack
You remember the sexual issues I was talking about? Well, on Saturday I am going to this sex therapy/surrogacy centre to work on that issue. Exciting stuff.
Yes that is exciting my friend. I wish you great success.
quote:
Originally posted by Jack
Would you comment more on your experience with accupuncture?
I don't know what else to say quite honestly. I've only ever been to one accupuncturist and I think she is probably a whole lot better at it then most. But I can't say that for sure because I've never been to another one. All I know is that all the accupuncturists in the city refer clients to her if they can't help them themselves. Bear in mind as well I am getting espteric accupuncture as opposed to Traditional Chinese Accupunture and they are both different. And again I can't comment on TCM accupunture because I have never had it. To me though, accupuncture seems to be highlighting some major issues in my life, giving me the opportunity to see them for what they are and then release them. I couldn't recommend what I am going through highly enough.
quote:
Originally posted by Jack
I feel I have a very unbalanced system, early hair loss, lots of fatigue, stress, mental tension, weak erections, repressed emotion poor circulation to extremities.. perhaps accupuncture might be a useful balancing medium for me!
I think it would help. I doubt it would hurt. The only thing I would suggest is searching out the right accupuncturist. Mine acts as much like a therapist and counsellor as she does as an accupuncturist.
quote:
Originally posted by Jack
I was also reading about this 'tantric massages', they look a bit crazy.
Don't know about tantric massages, but I've had an energy massage and it blew me out of the water. I couldn't sleep for four days afterwards cause the energy was going nutso! Good luck on Saturday!
Love,
Carson |
|
|
|
miguel
Spain
1197 Posts |
Posted - Apr 23 2009 : 4:04:26 PM
|
Interesting post Jack,very interesting from my perspective and personal situation.I have recently passed simmilar things.The entire process sonunds simmilar than me.(Sorry,i always tell you the same...)
"I am directly aware that it is all just 'the one'. "
Yes,im having this awareness sometimes.I feel under this fisical surface all we are conected as one.its a very subtle feeling,calling inside me.I just listen.
"most of reality is happening in the still depths behind it. "
Yes,it is.
" my human wants to forget about these things and bury itself in this shared social wavelength.""sometimes I wish I'd never stumbled across meditation so that I could feel 'normal'."Is there an 'off' button for this process? Because I sure miss having a strong sense of self."
Im working with this "problem" also.
Some days,i said to me,"ok,lets listen the fisical body,ill forget all about yoga practices,and ill return to my old "comfortable" life."And i try doing that,i try it sometimes,but man...you cant...you are in a higher level than before...the old self is the base sustaining the phase you are now experiencing....how can you go back,it has not sense and its unnatural,its like trying to stop the flow of the river...the river wants to flow...
Just sharing some opinions and experiences with you.
Carson,your post was very inspiring.Thanks.
where you learned that things that are now happening around us if its not too much interference?im interested...
Thanks guys,for both interesting posts
PS-Whats the meaning of "detox"?
|
Edited by - miguel on Apr 23 2009 4:12:00 PM |
|
|
|
CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Apr 23 2009 : 4:13:16 PM
|
Hi Miguel....
quote:
Originally posted by miguel
Carson, where you learned that things that are now happening around us if its not too much interference?im interested...
I learned about the "Cosmic Detox" from my accupuncturist who learned about it from her guru, a Shaman.
quote:
Originally posted by miguel
PS-Whats the meaning of "detox"?
Cleansing.
Love,
Carson
|
Edited by - CarsonZi on Apr 23 2009 4:36:56 PM |
|
|
|
miguel
Spain
1197 Posts |
Posted - Apr 23 2009 : 4:17:46 PM
|
Oh,very interesting..
cosmic cleansing sounds wonderfull,i feel the world is in that process now |
Edited by - miguel on Apr 23 2009 4:24:36 PM |
|
|
|
spinal_tap
Indonesia
40 Posts |
Posted - Apr 26 2009 : 8:08:39 PM
|
| Forgive me if I am wrong, but I think you have not decided what is it that you want to do with this life. |
|
|
|
Jack
United Kingdom
305 Posts |
Posted - Apr 27 2009 : 12:13:51 PM
|
THanks for all the replies.
Spinal tap, that is true. I'm still young. Working on it. :) |
|
|
|
brother neil
USA
752 Posts |
Posted - Apr 27 2009 : 9:46:32 PM
|
maybe the off button is not to fear when this happens and ride it through the best you can. You did make it through did you not? If anything can burn us out it is fear.
just 2 cents thrown in
With love
Brother Neil |
|
|
| |
Topic |
|
|
|
| AYP Public Forum |
© Contributing Authors (opinions and advice belong to the respective authors) |
|
|
|
|
Inner silence clashing with personality
