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Rattan
South Africa
41 Posts |
 Posted - Mar 28 2009 : 3:26:39 PM
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This week someone close to me died. At the same time my thoughts have been on the fear of relationships ending. As they all must sooner or later. Either through death, or the death of a loving relationship. Fear of abandonment. So I am observing myself having these fears. Fear of endings. How to handle this?
A fundamental fact of our existence, one that we learn very early in life, is that we're on this earth for a very short time. We have a deep yearning for permanence and a pervasive, deep-seated fear of being separated from those we love and of being abandoned. The fear of abandonment is the first fear we experience as a young child. A baby screams when its mother walks out of the room. It's a fear we harbor all of our life. Yet we cannot escape the harsh reality that every breath we breathe, every heartbeat, every hour of every day brings us nearer to the time when we will leave those we love, or they will leave us.
Now, how do you come to terms with this? This issue seems so important that you can't really live your life until you do come to terms with it. But how do you process it without being filled with anxiety or filled with fear?
CS Lewis concluded that we can do only three things about death: desire it, fear it, or ignore it. He claimed the third alternative, which is the one the modern world calls healthy, is surely the most uneasy and precarious of all.
So the best thing to do seems to be to ignore it. How do we do that?
I don't really expect an answer here, just felt a need to post this.
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miguel
Spain
1197 Posts |
Posted - Mar 28 2009 : 3:51:17 PM
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Hi Rattan.
Suffering,fear, is part of this life.
I think that ignore suffering its impossible,and not a good idea in my opinion.
Not all in this life is suffering,also exists the joy and other good things.
It seems you are passing bad times because of a bad experience.Im sorry.
I think that, is there for teach you about this aspect of life.
One thing that helps me about this question you ask is thinking:some people we love goes, but others come to our lifes too.
Maybe this can help you.
Love |
Edited by - miguel on Mar 28 2009 3:56:40 PM |
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ymladris
Czech Republic
20 Posts |
Posted - Mar 28 2009 : 5:51:31 PM
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hi rattan,
1) intellectual answer: 'separation' is a state of mind, it is some experience. When i observe "[Rattan/ymladris] feels separated just now" its the vision of this moment, ok. Can i bare it/be with it/don't fight it for one second? Possibly yes. Can i continue for another second? Maybe yes, maybe no, depends on how the feeling is strong. But from my experience, every second counts ;) to the accumulating understanding how feels the Separation, how is it 'to be separated' and so on. The more i know some unwanted state of mind, the less the fear "oh i can't bear it it's horrible". Try to prolong the Separation before you call your friend or something ;)
2) boddhist (?) answer: 'separation' is a state of mind. arising from emptiness because your mental level is capable of manifesting it. it is creating the experience ... and dissolving or changing ("cause: every phenomenon is impermanent"). The suffering is not indispensable part of the experience; the suffering is here because something in us doesn't want to let 'separation' to be experienced. It is possible to feel 'separation' without suffering. But you have to believe in emptiness of phenomena ;) and let yourself to discover it.
3) practical (?) answer
Formulate your intention "I want to somehow cope with the 'separation'. I want to find the answer or something." Work with this intention every day. Your bhakti/energy/guru in you will do the rest... |
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Divineis
Canada
420 Posts |
Posted - Mar 28 2009 : 6:29:37 PM
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I find the basic underlying fear to everything, is fear of death. Its been said that the only kind of death is enlightenment.
I've had moments in meditation, where it feels like the little self is dying in a way, with feelings of slight despair, while everything gets almost sucked away into the Void... back to the source of all things.
This would happen while meditating from my full being, letting "no-thingness" take over, while feeling the emptyness through everything, and intending to love "through me, not of me". |
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karl
United Kingdom
1812 Posts |
Posted - Mar 30 2009 : 08:46:59 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Rattan
This week someone close to me died. At the same time my thoughts have been on the fear of relationships ending. As they all must sooner or later. Either through death, or the death of a loving relationship. Fear of abandonment. So I am observing myself having these fears. Fear of endings. How to handle this?
A fundamental fact of our existence, one that we learn very early in life, is that we're on this earth for a very short time. We have a deep yearning for permanence and a pervasive, deep-seated fear of being separated from those we love and of being abandoned. The fear of abandonment is the first fear we experience as a young child. A baby screams when its mother walks out of the room. It's a fear we harbor all of our life. Yet we cannot escape the harsh reality that every breath we breathe, every heartbeat, every hour of every day brings us nearer to the time when we will leave those we love, or they will leave us.
Now, how do you come to terms with this? This issue seems so important that you can't really live your life until you do come to terms with it. But how do you process it without being filled with anxiety or filled with fear?
CS Lewis concluded that we can do only three things about death: desire it, fear it, or ignore it. He claimed the third alternative, which is the one the modern world calls healthy, is surely the most uneasy and precarious of all.
So the best thing to do seems to be to ignore it. How do we do that?
I don't really expect an answer here, just felt a need to post this.
There are two completely different answers. If you can call them answers.
One is someone else dying: It's sad, it takes time and grief is perfectly natural. Without the sour there is no sweet.
The other is your own death: For all that anxiety just consider this.....5 minutes after you die, how will you feel?......where now is the fear and anxiety ?.........gone  |
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mikkiji
USA
219 Posts |
Posted - Mar 31 2009 : 08:57:18 AM
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I've faced a lot of death in my time; that of my parents, my wife and her parents and (very nearly) myself on several occasions--one heart attack and one extended coma. After living with death so intimately, one does become comfortable with it. Change is hard, change is frightening, but most of all, change is inevitable. Suffering, the Buddha taught us, is also an inevitable reality of human life, but can be tempered by not resisting change. When we accept change, we short-circuit the suffering which comes through resisting change. Life (or, at least, THIS life) is a very brief passage between birth and death, but when we know experientially (not through belief or intellect) that there is a continuation of spirit from before birth to after death, then this short passage becomes much easier--to accept, to adjust and to change. Then life is lived in a state of Grace, and then peace and joy permeate our Being and the true content of Creation, "Sat-chit-ananda", shines in all its glory in every instant and every thread of Existence. Namaste,
Michael |
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Nancy
USA
71 Posts |
Posted - Apr 01 2009 : 02:48:31 AM
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| When the truth you have inside you about death begins to reside in your heart, you will break free from the fear and anxiety. |
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Apr 03 2009 : 4:27:29 PM
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Stumbled upon this, and remembered this topic on endings...
Enjoy Adyashanti talking about endings...!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W5eFqKp6H6c |
Edited by - emc on Apr 03 2009 4:36:28 PM |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Apr 03 2009 : 5:39:34 PM
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That was great emc...thank you so much 
.....the freedom of that constant stream that is always ending....it is like the most fresh breath blows through the heart and not even a cellprint is left to stay.....
....you know....I have called it "everything is always beginning".....but "everything is always ending"....is more of a vacum cleaner....not a speck is allowed to stay.....it is the emptifullness of heart...death is
Thanks again |
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arzkiyahai
93 Posts |
Posted - Apr 03 2009 : 6:25:01 PM
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Hi Rattan,
Body is transient, soul is not.
This is something most of people on the path have to go through, and also on the other hand a lot of people turn into this path after seeing the suffering in life and nature of transient things in this material world.
A lot of people must be familiar with this context but I will still post it for you to read :
"soon after his son was born, prince Siddhartha began to feel restless, as he has never seen the outside world. He was curious about what lay outside his sheltered world. So one day he asked his charioteer to take him for a ride far outside the kingdom.
They saw an old man was walking along the road,bent over, shaking, holding on to a large stick for support. Prince Siddhartha asked Channa, “What is wrong with that man? Why is his hair so white and his face wrinkled?” Channa replied, “He is very old.” Prince Siddhartha had never seen an old person before, and asked, “what is the meaning of ‘old’?’” Channasaid, “He will not live long.” Prince Siddhartha asked, “Will I become old like that?” Channa said, “You and I and all people get old.”.Along the road they saw a man lying down, wailing in pain, trembling and thin,breathing loudly. Channa said, “Let’s get away from here.” Prince Siddhartha asked, “Who is he? Why should we get away?” Channa relied, “He is a sick man.Everyone gets sick some time. It is painful. Anyone can get sick at any time.”Prince Siddhartha asked, “Could I get sick? Can royal people get sick?” Channa said, “Yes, no one knows when they will get sick.” Prince Siddhartha was again very upset and distressed. Prince Siddhartha went with Channa to the park, and they saw a body being carried on a stretcher, with people crying around the body. PrinceSiddhartha asked Channa, “What is this? Why are those people crying? Is the man sleeping on the stretcher?” Channa answered, “The body is a dead man.”Prince Siddhartha asked, “What is the meaning of ‘dead’?” Channa said, “A deadperson cannot walk or even move, and they cannot feel anything. The body will be cremated, burned to ashes.” Prince Siddhartha asked, “Will I die? Will my father die? Will all the people I know die?” Channa said, “All living beings die.We cannot avoid it. No one can live forever. This is the law of nature”
Siddhartha had many deepthoughts after seeing these four sights: the old man, the sick man, the dead man and the renunciant. He thought, “If I get old, sick and die, be reborn again and have unhappiness and bad thoughts, then why should I seek those things that lead to getting old, sick and dying, rebirth, unhappiness and bad thoughts? Whatif I seek that which is not born, that which does not age, does not get sick, does not die, and does not have sorrow and impurity. Siddhartha decided to search for the truth of life that is beyond the suffering and beyond death." and Siddhartha became Buddha."
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Edited by - arzkiyahai on Apr 03 2009 6:41:07 PM |
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Fear of endings
