quote:

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I see the seed the white light and the rainbow as interdependent emanations of emptiness and impermanent. What is not impermanent is emptiness, the storehouse of possibility. The divine light as you call it is the result of this storehouse. An earthly paradise is possible because of emptiness, the storehouse of possibility. Higher and lower realms are all emanation bodies; and therefore impermanent. Heaven on Earth will come about not because we "bring down the light" which is already here, but when we operate based on faith and/or realization that all things are possible now. Whether we realize the great mystery first hand, or simply have faith in a mysterious source of possibility, either way it is, in fact, the impersonal storehouse of possibility which feeds the light, and gives the light divinity in the first place.

- - -
This is all an illusion, a dream. We are dreaming it; we want this and it is here by us and for us.

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Originally posted by CarsonZi

Hi TMS,

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

Hmm. I'm afraid you are contradicting yourself. I do understand the "IAM" mantra has other uses. But Yogani states that it is to discover your "inner self." You can't lose yourself and find an "inner self" if the self was never there to begin with. Do you really think you are saying "I Am" and saying "I am not" at the same time? This "I AM" mantra is not found in the yogic texts. It is not sanskrit with an ambiguous meaning like "OM" or "OM AH HUNG." "I AM" is about your inner-self, your sense of "I"-ness, "AM"-being.

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Sorry it has taken me so long to respond....I have been away for the weekend spending time in silence and with family.
The specifics of mantra creation and why Yogani chose the "i am" mantra has been hashed out numerous times here on the forum, and I don't think it serves anyone to rehash this out here. Suffice it to say, I disagree with you about the effectiveness of "I AM" even over mantras like "OM". This is just my personal experience, but it IS my personal experience, so.....
About the mantra being for the purposes of finding your inner self, that is pretty much correct. Semantics, but basically right. Our inner self is silent awareness/god/love.....This is THE ONLY SELF, and yes it does exist. What we are using the mantra for is "losing our seperated egoic selves" and finding our "inner silent awareness" which is God/Source/Love. Yes there is no individual Self, but noone said that, not Yogani, not me. The true Self is all there is and we are here seeking permanent union with that Self.

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

At the same time you say you "lose yourself." What you say resembles the Sufi way, "lose yourself in the presence of God." Okay. This is stage one: disregarding your conventional self. When you no longer exist, do you sense that you are God and that God exists? You are nothing in the presence of God? No? What sense of self do you think God has? God's identity is pure Love which is selflessness.

So I tell you like the Sufi master. If you haven't lost yourself in the presence of God, and thereby lost all sense of self in the bewilderment and Oblivion of God, then your goal lies ahead.

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For who among us here does the journey NOT lie ahead? Even Yogani has at least a small part of his "Self" left to lose I'm sure. This means the journey never ends. Even if you DO happen to make it to a point where you are in union 24/7 there is still work to be done. There will never be complete "Selflessness" as you say, until death. That is my opinion anyways. And yes, I agree, as I said before, God is Love. Simple. No Self, just unconditional Love and silent blissful awareness.

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

As a reflection of God reflecting as God reflects, merged, what God is there to speak of?

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God is Love. That is the God there is to speak of. I have never been talking about a "God and his Self", I have always been talking about "God the Unconditional Love". No Self there.

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

Then you may be ready to join us as we journey into the new Earth, without possessions, without even a self to speak of. We will reflect perfection on this paradise.

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Who is there to join? And in order for the "manifest" to reflect perfection there must be an ego or at least SOME semblance of Self there in order to STAY manifest. I think you are contradicting yourself here.

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

Until the separation ends, we will not have one heart. We won't be able to preserve ourselves on this land.

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There is no seperation. Seperation is an illusion, and we all already have one heart. It is just a matter of waking up to this, and that is what "i am" is for.

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

The import is subtle but powerful. To accomplish enlightenment you must cling to nothing whatsoever. All clinging is of self-nature, illusory, leading to discontent, disillusionment in your practice and ultimately sorrow and anger. This is to be avoided now; I don't want you to lose ground and alienate yourself from the path. You might otherwise disseminate a message that leads to gross ceremony and worship. It is for this reason why the Buddha challenged the Brahmins and yogis of his day. Without the correct initial view, enlightenment is a false hope.

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Yes I agree that attachments must be dropped for enlightenment to occur. But HOW do you suggest dropping said attachments? What are the PRACTICES you recommend using if you think AYP is non-beneficial? I personally can't just "wake up" to the fact that I am one with God. I wish it was that easy, but it just doesn't seem to be happening. So I will continue to do my practices because this is what is helping me to drop my attachments and get closer to a full union with God. HOW do you suggest that I stop clinging to the attachment I have to the fact that my wife is alive. If she were to die today, I would suffer. Needlessly I understand, but I would suffer none the less for a least a little while. How do I just "stop" clinging to the fact that I love my wife and I want her to be alive and manifest with me right now without some sort of active practice in letting go? Something like samyama maybe? It doesn't just happen by itself. At least that is not MY experience.

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

Your destination is beyond consciousness, here, now, swimming in the deep mystery of all possibility. This present instant emit GREAT POWER CREATOR OF CREATORS! Isn't that love? I don't debate to prove myself correct. I only want you to reach your goal.

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That is very noble of you to want me to reach my goal, but nothing you say or do will change anything for me. I am in charge of my own destination, as is everyone else on Earth. And I am on the path to reach my goal of union with God and realize that it is a destination beyond conciousness. The destination is Love. And I'm not sure what you think you are debating, but again I don't think anything you have said has really contradicted me in any way, so I don't really see ANY debate, so no worries.

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

I write for the enlightenment of all the world; I wish to live among the lovers in togetherness with no hint of separateness. We can break free of the cycles of destruction caused by time, only if we achieve harmony with the timeless source of the Cosmos. We will have been harmonized with the source of all things if we lose our identities, all identities to become as HE, selfless.

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The words "living" and "with no hint of seperateness" do not belong in the same sentence. You can not LIVE with no hint of seperateness. That hint of seperateness is what keeps us alive! Yes, we only break free from the cycles of birth and death by achieving union with God/Love, but again, HOW do suggest this happens if not by some set of practices? If it just happened wouldn't we already all be enlightened and realize it?

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

Wasn't it Carson who corrected me, that I don't understand what "I AM" means and misunderstand Yogani's teachings? Can you address me without challenging me?

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TMS, at first all I said was "God is Love", because that is what you were trying to say in your original post, but which was incredibly long (like THIS post, haha) and I thought it could have been summed up in those three little words. I wasn't trying to correct you, just restate what you said in shorter terms. In my second post I corrected you because you DO have a misunderstanding about the AYP teachings. Still. I wasn't trying to challenge you, just merely point out that you misunderstand the idea (or lack of idea) behind the "i am" mantra. I don't think I did either until a few days ago after finishing reading "The Secrets Of Wilder". I AM doesn't have any "I"ness in it. It doesn't have ANY meaning whatsoever. It is merely a VIBRATION. This is what you don't understand. It is an intention, something else to be "dropped" or to be "lost". It is merely a vibrational tool to help the mind lose it's seperation from God. The mind is constantly finding thoughts to attach itself to, and the purpose of the "i am" mantra is to 1. purify the nervous system via vibration, and 2. be refined into something non-existant. To be lost along with all thoughts so that the soul can be absorbed into the silent awareness that is God/Love. I hope you can understand this now and not keep projecting definitions onto the words that were not intented.

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

What I'm interested in is why Carson responded to my post with "God is Love." I thought that was strange but poignant. My real meaning to begin with. Carson is my spiritual brother and he understands me well in his heart. Carson, why don't we re-agree, brother?

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As I said above, my point in saying God is Love was just to point out that this is what you seemed to be trying to say in many many words. Much easier to keep things simple and as uncomplicated as possible. That's why AYP is so great. It cut all the fat off of the Yoga systems that didn't need to be there. An efficient, direct and simple set of practices designed to help the mind lose attachments and learn to seek that which is True....Union with God.

Love,
Carson

P.S. I re-agree that God is Love. Never disagreed.

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Originally posted by david_obsidian

TMS said:
IAM or AYAM may be intended to be a vibration of love, but I have a hard time believing an English speaker is not going to think "I" and "AM." And it is supposed to have you vibrate with your inner self. See my earlier posts about why "I am that" is a hindrance in meditation.

Hi TMS, this has been a concern of mine too. If there were one way I would change the AYP teachings right now, it is to get rid of that 'I am' and replace it with 'AYAM'.

Confusion does arise with the mantra when it is provided as an English phrase.

I do think that AYAM happens to be a very good mantra. And it is historical, which is what you might expect of something good like that -- many good things tend to get discovered. It's a dual-pole mantra, resonating in the lower-body as well as higher-up in the brain.

But I wouldn't teach it as 'I am'. Too much baggage goes with that for me. There is the Christian thing, and the various groups ( such as those of Elizabeth Clare Prophet) who made 'IAM' into a concept.

But Yogani has not moved on it.

There's one more issue on this matter, which Yogani is not moved on either. It so happens that I don't think that 'I am' as pronounced in American English quite optimal because of the way 'am' in pronounced in American English, which is not actually the 'ah' sound at all. It's a much more nasal, much narrower vowel, closer to an 'e' in 'get', not the soothing sound of 'ah' which I believe is more optimal.

I would teach it as 'AYAM' and make it clear that both A's are the 'aah' sound we make when we're soothing a baby. That would be me. But I don't write the lessons. Which is certainly a good thing in other ways.

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

[Hugging Carson] Carson is love. [Surrender loves Carson]

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

IAM mantra. I see so "IAM" doesn't mean "I am." So then it is like any other mantra, like OM, HA, AH, HOO, SO, SRI or FASOLATIDO? There's is a candy-store of mantras out there; eat what ya like!

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

IAM or AYAM may be intended to be a vibration of love, but I have a hard time believing an English speaker is not going to think "I" and "AM." And it is supposed to have you vibrate with your inner self. See my earlier posts about why "I am that" is a hindrance in meditation.

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

I've added and amended my original post to include methods, Carson. Have another look. This thread is exhaustive more or less of my approach to method. I've grown tired of metaphysics. We will talk methods.

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

Cling to nothing whatsoever... in meditation...; in your walking life, by all means hug your wife. I'm talking about methods to achieve mental tranquility in samadhi. You can't enter samadhi if your wife isn't safe and well. Samadhi requires total satisfaction; you know what I'm saying, baby? Yeah!

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

For those who want to accuse me of not reading and not understanding, I AM THE LEFT-HAND PATH TANTRIC WHO CLAWED OUT OF THE UNDERWORLD! I HAVE SEEN INFINITE FACES OF SHIVAJI! I've picked up a few tidbits.

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

My experience is a testament to a loving Cosmos where forgiveness and mercy can cause the extinction of karma, no matter what the prior or current life was or is. Anguimala, the robber and serial killer who wore a garland of fingers, realized selflessness from the Buddha and became an Arahat.

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Originally posted by CarsonZi

quote:

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

[Hugging Carson] Carson is love. [Surrender loves Carson]

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Some of your methods I think may turn out to be dangerous for many people starting out on the Yoga path. Encouraging beginners to engage in Kumbhaka exersices is never a good idea IMO. The most important first step is always the purification of the nervous system. Without this there will only be problems both physical and phsycic. That is why meditation, especially mantra meditation is so powerfully beneficial for a beginner. And pointing practitioners in the direction of external aids to meditation again is misleading in my opinion. This will be just another aid to drop in the future that is not necessary to begin. I currently am still addicted to marijuana and it is my personal meditation and life aid, but I wish to God I could drop this crutch and continue as I am without it. It is actually giving me great trouble trying to drop this aid. I could see others having similar difficulties should they start out using CD's to aid meditation in the beginning. Like the old parable about the ashram and the cat. The guru needing to tie up the cat before the ashram meditations, and once the cat died noone could meditate because they needed to tie up the cat before they could go into samadhi and there was no cat left to tie up. AYP requires no external aids and I think this is important. I like your methods and practices, but I am going to stick with AYP. One foot in two boats will only put you in the water eventually. Better to stick with one method and follow it through to completion then to waver between practices and never make the ultimate goal.

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

I guess I was under the assumption that this website was called "Advanced Yoga Practices" and not "Tantra for Beginners."

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

Please stop smoking marijuana; it is limiting your potential. Marijuana is a fun recreational drug, but if used regularly makes the mind misty and cloudy when you need clarity. If you want something to jazz up your transcendental experience try Salvia or Shrooms. You can't do it too often, because SCARY! That'll complete your urge for altered states.

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

I don't see CD's or the singing bowls as a crutch if you can enter it without the crutch. If you can walk without the crutch, then it is like travelling a car versus walking. If you can't walk, then a car will prevent you from learning. I don't advocate walking two paths. We all have to learn the forms before we can spar in the formlessness.

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Originally posted by CarsonZi

You obviously have not read many of my postings in other threads cause if you had you would know that I came to AYP addicted to methadone because of a previous addiction to IV methamphetamine and heroin, and managed to get off of all drugs I was addicted with the help of AYP. The only drug I have not been able to quit is marijuana and there is plenty of reasons for this. They have all been stated numerous times in other threads. But to recap, I have a stomach disease that modern medicine can not figure out. I can not swallow food (or water without puking) without smoking pot. I literally cannot swallow until my stomach is stimulated by THC. I have smoked a quarter oz. of kind bud daily for over 15 years up until about 3 months ago when I managed to drop my usage down to about 2grams a day. But it is not physically possible at this time to drop my addiction to weed as I will die or lose so much weight so quickly that I will end up in the hospital. I was even offered a perscription for medical marijuana (I live in Canada) but declined as the weed I get is much better then any medical marijuana grown by my gov't. I do not react as others do to weed either. I do not get a cloudy mind. In fact I get extreme clarity instead. This is because naturally I am incredibly hyperactive and have a mind that wirls at a million miles a minute. I cannot concentrate on one thing, (never have been able to, never.) until my mind is slowed down somewhat. If I go into meditation without smoking, I cannot slow down the mind to a point where I can experience any silence. Smoking affords me the ability to let go of my thoughts as they arise, and to calm my mind so that I can meditate. I know that this is a crutch and I am doing everything in my power to end this addiction, but at this point, as I have said in other threads, I need solutions not stigma.
And I have more experience with every hallucinogen and entheogenic substance on the planet then probably anyone on this forum. I have smoked, eaten quids, and used tinctures of Salvia many times, as well as ayahausca (with and without a South American shaman), I had a year long addiction to IM Ketamine every night before bed(~150-200mg injections), experience with every research chemical Shulgin created (even the nasty ones), peyote, tropane akaloids like datura and belladonna, both psylocin and amanita muscaria mushrooms, DMT, LSD (liquid and blotter), every opiate on Earth and much much much more. If you want more info on what I have been into previously in life you can read about it in these topics:

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quote:

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

Carson, You are my brother, in many ways. My own brother died of an intentional heroine overdose a few years ago. I too have been a meth addict, coke addict; I have taken fatal doses of ecstasy. I smoked marijuana a quarter ounce per day for 15 years. I smoked a pack and a half per day, and drank nine beers per day. I have used every hallucinogen and have attempted suicide twice by overdosing on pills. I know you well; we have crossed paths in several lives; perhaps many times in this one. I recall strange ailments with no explanation like extreme fatigue and severe migraines, full body arthritis among others.

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

HAVE FAITH BROTHER! You will be healed, even as we speak, Carson, you sense a bubbling up of healing life force entering your abdomen and cleansing your organs. There are many here who love you and as they read this they imagine Carson's belly sensing relief, and his mind relaxing by the cool still lake of peace.

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

From faith alone, and not practices, I survived suicide, my liver is clean, my heart is strong, my lungs are clear and my mind is fresh. With will power alone I squeezed out the poisons in my blood; I never even went to the hospital. Be as you ARE! Healed and strong, with calm mind and firm feet.

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

I cannot emphasize the power of your will enough. Will power, brother. Have faith; do not doubt and you will receive the calm and health you ask for so long as you believe it has arrived. There is great magic at work here. The healing has begun; your full recovery is just a matter of time.

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

I doubt if you try to concentrate, you will concentrate; you may have to give up trying in meditation, and just watch the thought storm pass by. All minds are naturally collected and concentrated. There is an aspect of your desire which keeps the storm brewing.

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

Continue on your journey as you are. When your stomach is healed, and it will heal soon, I know this. You will not feel the urge to smoke. Anyone can be healed of anything; that's so; so heal now, Carson. You managed to quit so much; you have come so far. This last bit won't be nearly as hard.

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Originally posted by CarsonZi

I'm sorry that you have had to go through so much, my heart goes out to you. All of my friends are basically straight, (a few alcoholics but noone uses anything but weed in my circle of friends) and my family is all fundamentalist Evangelical Christians, so needless to say there are no substance addicts there....they are only addicted to their belief system. I can't imagine losing a brother to drugs, especially knowing what I know....absolutely terrible and again, my heart goes out to you. We do truly seem to have much in common as far as background and the past is concerned. Were you practicing Yoga or meditation or any spiritual sadhana during your time of using? Do you ever use entheogens like ayahausca anymore or do you find all substances incompatible with your path now?

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Thank you. In fact today was the first day that I was able to go until after lunch time without smoking pot. I actually DID manage to eat before smoking today for the first time in over ten years. You are right in that I feel the healing taking place inside, but it is a slow process I feel. Probably not something that happens overnight. But I will place no restrictions on anything and will continue as I am, waiting and watching patiently and cutting back when I can. It is happening.

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Your Bhakti is strong my friend and I commend you. Faith in the right things is crucial I believe. I used to have real issues with faith in the past, especially what I considered to be the "blind" faith that my family held most dear, but now I have come to understand that where there is no faith there is only skepticism and perpetual denial. So there must be faith in that which is understood through personal experience as that is all we truly "know". Knowing with the mind is not knowing at all. But it WAS the practices that got me off of methadone. I had tried a million times, but the withdrawals were too insane to go through with it. Only with Spinal Breathing Pranayama was I able to purify my system enough to get off methadone without experiencing withdrawal symptoms. And I got clean from 90mgs daily in 10 weeks. Standard medical downdose time for that dose is 4 years. Don't under-estimate the practices, they hold much benefit physically as well as spiritually.

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I agree 100% about the need for will power and I used to be the strongest willed person in the world, but years of breaking my own will has weakened it to a shell of it's former glory. But I am also in the process of strengthening my will power via several means. I recently started going to NA meetings which I have found helps, and as always AYP is strengthening my resolve to get fully clean and stay there. But you are right, it is a matter of time now.

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I don't agree that all minds are naturally collected and concentrated. What about someone who is schizophrenic or has another mental disease? I agree that underneath it all, we are all part of the Source Love and are calm there, but it is a matter of connecting with this and that doesn't just happen. The practices are necessary. And it is impossible to do the practices if you can't sit still because your natural energy levels are out of control like mine are. Both physically and mentally. This is why I still use marijuana for meditation. Because there can't BE meditation for me without using at least a little bit first. I am going to have to re-train my mind once I have stopped smoking marijuana, I know. I am in the process now. As I slowly cut back I re-train the mind to stay in the state it was before while under the influence of MORE marijuana then it is now. There is still an aspect of attachment to marijuana for me, but the desire now is to get clean, not to keep using.

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I agree with everything except the end bit. This is 100 million times harder then quitting opiates, methamphetamine, Ketamine all of it. The reason is is that I knew the other things had no real positive benefits for me spiritually. (Well maybe Ketamine does, but that is another topic.) But with marijuana it is totally different. It DOES benefit me spiritually still. As soon as I feel it isn't, it will be easier for me to quit. But this is what I am still struggling with other than the stomach issues.

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Thank you very much for all your kind words and the overflowing love I feel from you posting, you are a kindred spirit I'm sure. Much love.

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Yeah, Christi I have a wee bit of meditation experience; forgive me if I implied it was a tremendous lifetime of meditation experience for thirty years beginning when I was five years old, guided by a 100 year old yogi.

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Do you really think you have to reach out and bring the light down here, Christi? It's here.

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Originally posted by Christi

Hi TMS

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Yeah, Christi I have a wee bit of meditation experience; forgive me if I implied it was a tremendous lifetime of meditation experience for thirty years beginning when I was five years old, guided by a 100 year old yogi.

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Do you really think you have to reach out and bring the light down here, Christi? It's here.

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Thank you, Christi. I don't even know who I am anymore. I keep telling myself, "You have no ego." Then, my ego tells myself, "Watch out for that wall." Then, myself tells my I, "You have siddhis; you'll go right through." I should not have listened to myself. Thank you, ego. I love you.

We must forgive ourselves. There's no forgiving others. It is only within our own hearts that the ill-will harbors. It is only within our own hearts that the forgiveness occurs.

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

My take on entheogens is that they can be useful IF AND ONLY IF visions are necessary for the community. I look at the practice as a shaman. They are not for my use, but for use when the people need vision. Otherwise, they are totally incompatible with practice.

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

I felt you and sent you healing power. We are all sending it. I feel your relief.

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

I do not discount the power of the cleansings. I merely shot you some insight into faith, so that you may integrate it.

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

Good man. I know that feeling. Feeling like a shell of your former self, wondering, "Am I lost? Can I recover my former strength? Am I a relic?" Brother trust me; the power of my words, the strength in my heart, they come from experiencing a great renewal and a great healing. Continue your practice. For you, the insights of practice will convince you as they convinced me. You can turn on a dime. It is a state of mind. As the clouds disperse and the electric storms weaken and as the chaotic streams of disconnected thoughts organize and connect, the world will take shape anew and you will see clearly. Your mind is healing; deep within the heart of your mind you sense a relief, the deep worry subside. Yes, full recovery is coming; you will feel as peaceful as a newborn.

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

Resistance is futile! Schizophrenia, bi-polar, mania, depression, all these states lie on a continuum. They are rooted in a strong and forceful attachment to thought structures and the delight they cause. These too can be relaxed and returned to their normal state. Mind is mind; all minds are naturally calm. Just because they are not now or have not been since infancy does not change the nature of mind. I have taken many meds. So many. I don't take them any more. I learned.

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

I am after all, quite mad. I have learned to allow grandiose, obsessive and manic urges to subside with the long breath. Without samadhi, I would be on the news. My prana and kundalini were self awakened at a young age, and it dwelled in my skull for more than a decade. The racing thoughts are exhilarating. You should see the reams of disconnected writings I spewed. When I supplemented the work with meth, I wrote an entire discourse consisting of zeros and ones. Ha ha! Watching, observing them pass away, I realized the truth. The power of truth is physical! Realizing the truth, I settled down and allowed the passing storms to pass, gleefully watching and enjoying, knowing it will pass, not worrying about following it in.

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

The benefit is illusory. It provides you a simulation of release. When you are without the marijuana, you will have to relearn it. On pot, thoughts have a softer substance, they feel less tangible. After quitting pot, things will feel even harder, more difficult to release and not follow. Ween yourself off at a slow pace.

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

You have my undying affection. Beyond my wishes of luck and success, you have my utter certainty, certainty that your recovery is at hand. The inner strength that you gain from having walked the hard road will provide you a lifetime of stability, wisdom and peace.

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Originally posted by Christi

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Thank you, Christi. I don't even know who I am anymore. I keep telling myself, "You have no ego." Then, my ego tells myself, "Watch out for that wall." Then, myself tells my I, "You have siddhis; you'll go right through." I should not have listened to myself. Thank you, ego. I love you.

We must forgive ourselves. There's no forgiving others. It is only within our own hearts that the ill-will harbors. It is only within our own hearts that the forgiveness occurs.

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Hi TMS


Who is talking to who I wonder? How many of you are there in there?

This kind of confusion is normal on the path, even after 30 lifetimes of meditation experiences.

In silence, it too will fall away.

Forgiving others is the same as forgiving ourselves.



Christi

p.s. Humility is also important, otherwise we will always be fighting our own corner. Hardly and ego transcending activity.

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Thank you for your encouragement and comfort, it is nice to hear of someone else who has had similar struggles as me and who has conquered them. It gives me great hope. My ONLY fear today is that I will not be able to connect to God again once I am fully clean. That I will lose the desire to continue on the path, or that I will change completely and my desires and ambitions will change with me. Maybe this is just my ego trying to keep me in the "prison" but maybe not and my fears are not unfounded. I don't know. Only time will tell I guess.

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Originally posted by gumpi

TMS, you said the energy was in your head for a decade. Do you mean kundalini? Does it feel like heat and perhaps anxiety related? Man, if it is now i know what the hell is wrong with me!!! What a roller coaster ride! Too much information, too many experiences to tell of.

I've had to cut down my pot usage because my head feels like a burnt out lightbulb. I wish i could give up but i fear this with regular nightly drinking will kill me.

The amount of synchronicities is too much sometimes, but i quickly learned to laugh at them when they started flooding in over ten years ago.

Doing yoga and meditation has given me some nice experiences but nothing compared to the days i was medication free and smoking pot without anxiety. It was paradise, complete ecstacy. Unfortunately my memory disappeared for most of the time and i had big black rings around my eyes and was as pale as a ghost! It isn't easy being one with everything and having an ego at the same time.

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

No. No. No. No. You are connected already; it's only your vision that's blurry. Health of body and mind provide clarity. It's like you were on dial-up and now you are going to be on high-speed cable. So you see, there's nothing to fear, only everything to be excited about. You won't hear that noisy static noise when you listen in anymore. You will just enjoy a constant clear flow. You will attain more and deeper insight; that is all. You have so much already. I expect great progress from you, Carson. If this is how you are now; then when your health is fully restored, WATCH OUT FOR CARSON! You will be a force!

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Originally posted by CarsonZi

Yup, a mantra is a crutch too, but at least it is an internal crutch and not an external one!

Love,
Carson

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Originally posted by themysticseeker

Dualist

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