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newpov
USA
183 Posts |
 Posted - Aug 25 2008 : 12:15:27 PM
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Hi all,
Recently I came to AYP with all the naivete of a puppy. I was so eager, hopeful! I brought with me enthusiasm for a fresh start. How things change. This morning I've been sobered and deflated by a dream that I had five years ago:
I find myself alone on a mountain top. It is a wide plateau or treeless plain. I am aware of people clamoring on the side of the mountain, making strenuous efforts to scale the mountain. Then I notice a small piper cub airplane in the distant sky. Something is strange because I notice that it is approaching and encircling the mountain every now and then, as if in surveillance of me. Then the plane flies toward me and lands on the mountain top. A man gets out of the plane and starts walking toward me. And then I see the rifle in his hand. He's all business and it's impersonal with him. When I realize death is coming my way, I feel alarm and horror and hasten to end this dream experience.
I am a man, and this dream is not pretty. The history of my sexual indulgences--masturbation to porn is shameful and undermining my hope. A conflict: mountain top versus long rifle. I have seen the essential war now and I'm scared because I've experienced desperation and frustration for years and perceive that the odds against me are very long.
Evidently, an ongoing spiritual choice must be made afresh every remaining hour of my life. From Easwaran's translation of the Katha Upanishad:
The joy of the Atman ever abides, but not what seems pleasant to the senses. Both these, differing in their purpose, prompt man to action. All is well for those who choose the joy of the Atman, but they miss the goal of life who prefer the pleasant. Perennial joy or passing pleasure? This is the choice one is to make always... The Self cannot be known by anyone who desists not from unrighteous ways, controls not his senses, stills not his mind, and practices not meditation...
People, I feel so outclassed and lacking and alone. I feel I've been had. And I dug my own hole, who else is there to blame? Now it's "put up or shut up" time. Questioning my endurance, I feel screwed. I wonder, how will enough bhakti, or will power or whatever else it also takes, ever come to me sufficient to overcome so many years of my unfortunate life choices and conditioning?
Is there an AYP point of view to offer at this point? Where do I go from here? Who else is living daily on this razor's edge? How do you cope?
All advice much solicited. Thank you.
newpov |
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Ananda
3115 Posts |
Posted - Aug 25 2008 : 3:34:44 PM
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hi newpov, and welcome to ayp.
the 1st best advice i can give is go to the main lessons plus the tantra lessons to have more control on your sexual urges (concerning masturbation)and the scd advice get the self enquiry book written by yogani.
start reading then put the words into practice and change will be there in no time.
plus i find it funny, since a person like you knows the truth and knows about the atman and how perfect it is why do you stay sad just close your eyes and relax and sit and enjoy your real nature cz you are free and thinking thus makes it so. (read the ashtavakra gita)
and an other advice concerning control over sexual urges and other actions, always remind yourself during your daily activity that you are the witness of this body with all the baggage that comes with it...
and if you start daily deep meditation plus the other practices in the ayp system change will come naturally in all of your behavior to the better ofcourse bcz of the elevation of your vibes which makes your sense more subtle thus more refined and attracted toward what's subtle and beautiful and nature.
free yourself, from yourself.
namaste,
Ananda |
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Divineis
Canada
420 Posts |
Posted - Aug 25 2008 : 3:46:10 PM
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oh man. I swear, you're like a mirror for me these days. Been stuck in space, and have been working on my lower chakras these days (heart and everything below). I still can't deny what comes in from the top, I have to protect myself at times, because many many people, think many many things about me at times. I feel like I mirror what it is other people want from me (not good things usually), even if they don't believe it themselves. I'm not sure if it's a "higher moral"\"karmic desteny" for all those involved, but... wow, some of that stuff I just really don't want to let in.
I'm gonna start voicing out loud people's projections. Be a bit more of a "healthy" mirror for people's and my own subconscious. Tackle the issues every way I can. I thought of writing some stuff here. I did before, but I basically left out the one thing everyone wants to hear. I dunno, I'll see later tonight. I think it'd be a good course of action. I know people just want to know the truth, and I can't deal with these constant psychic attacks over and over and over again. I mean, I could, but it's no way to live, to go out in public everyday, people "sucking out" certain truths about you. Not even all of them are true, but in many ways I set the foundation for them, and I take responsibility for that. There's still very much a 50\50 thing with each individual. Wether they hold good or bad beliefs about me... honestly, these days its hit two extremes. The "enlightened pervert" I've been called. I don't like either side. I set the foundation for both though, I take responsibility for that (even though certain things I've done were taken way out of context, re contextualized, basically all ego juice was sucked out of it in many ways. Most of that wasn't my doing, some of it I wrote here, was. I still have ego, I still fear what society will think of me in many ways. ANd it backlashes. Every time. I've learned haha).
aka, I suggest a good dosage of self honesty. Perchance, some working on the "lower chakras". Heart and below. Everything above needs a good foundation, otherwise you get sucked out into space... and maybe perform a miracle here and there, do some good deeds (that some will hate you for... things aren't always what they seem), but... it's no way to live, it's half of this "spiritual vehicle". Gotta embrace the full thing :). |
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Ananda
3115 Posts |
Posted - Aug 25 2008 : 4:01:12 PM
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dear Divineis my friend my heart and my prayers are with you and i wish you nothing but the best.
but my friend you should find some equilibrium in your life, seek solitude in nature plus follow a systematic path that involves grounding.
i myself been going here and there until i got myself into a premature crown chakra opening and then poofff here i was at ayp.
i just followed the system as it is and everything settled down and i reaped the fruit of most of my past practices.
plus working on the third eye is a lot safer than working on the lower chakras like the muladhara and the plexus especialy this last one if you dig in to it without going through the ajna and the heart then you are in bad symptoms land like having a premature crown chakra opening.
so my friend follow the ayp system step by step, start with deep meditation alone at 1st take everything easily and bit by bit you'll benefit from your innermost potential.
namaste,
Ananda |
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newpov
USA
183 Posts |
Posted - Aug 25 2008 : 4:17:34 PM
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Thank you, Ananda, for mentioning the self-inquiry book by Yogani, and the tantra lessons.
St Paul said something to the effect, I do those things I would rather not do, and I fail to do those things I really ought to do... So I guess Paul knew about the war within.
Following through on nurturing suggestions by others is sometimes so difficult. "It's always your choice." That burden to take responsibility for myself is riding me REALLY hard now.
newpov |
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Divineis
Canada
420 Posts |
Posted - Aug 26 2008 : 02:36:30 AM
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Thanks Ananda. After these last few days, I think you might be right (my psychic energy sorta got stronger as I strengthened my foundation. today was... hmm, I dunno, third eye opening? haha). I've gone deep into certain lower chakras. And it's been pretty easy with so much psychic energy. My penis went numb from so much energy\intense grounding the other night (that was a pretty weird feeling). Witnessed my "soul" birth at the sacral level. I've cleared out my plexus a bit, though luckily haven't gone too deep in that one. My heart though, wow, I could feel the battle between "heaven and hell" there. They say heaven and hell are only an inch apart. I know what they mean haha.
Bah, at least things are in balance. Should make for some good spinal breathing and the like. No more focusing on siddhis for me (nor ignoring), that stuff gets way out of hand way too fast. I mean, my intentions are good. If I'm sending thoughts\consciousness (or receiving) with someone, it's usually to "help my reputation" in a way or more so "help people better know what's deep inside them" (I'll forget about my reputation if I know the latter to be more important... I'll lie about myself if I have to. When my consciousness is lined up with theirs in a way... I have to lie to myself if they're not being honest with what they believe about me. I can say the words "I'm a pedophile" in my head, and on a feeling level, I'll believe them (just like they do). They won't feel wrong (though on a "me" level I know they're a lie). So it's a sort of half lie, because I "take on" others people consciousness regarding me (aka, they're lying to themselves, and I don't exactly mind, but I'll help guide them to some healthier beliefs or lack of beliefs or whatever). It won't feel like I'm lying, because I'm working out of their consciousness in a way, I'll just help guide them out of ego a bit, help them be honest with me. It's always win win if I just trust myself and my feelings and leave attachments aside... I've gotten pretty good at this one. Got like 20 people or so to stop believing I'm a pedophile today! yay :) haha. And most of these "psychic" conversations started with me saying "I'm a pedophile"... cuz that's what they believed... and even I "believe" it in that moment (though know it's not true). I can feel their feelings. In those moments, those words feel "true" to me. I can feel the unfounded beliefs behind it though, feel the desires behind them. Ughh, so many people love to hate pedo's so much some want me to be one, bah, whatever. I'm a pedophile, I'm not a pedophile... I'll say what I have to. "Believe what you want" is the greatest when it comes from the heart. And all I needed to do was drop the attachment to the world thinking I'm a pedophile hahaha.
Man, it's crazy, you say you aren't, they say you are... you say you are, and keep telling them to "believe what they want" from the heart, and poof, problem solved. Crazy crazy world we live in. Bah, maybe not so crazy. It makes sense in some illogical sort of way... heart usually works like that haha.
I just gotta go with the flow more, not focus so much on this siddhi, nor reject it. For or against... I say it's neither haha. Neither, and a good dose of HEART POWER, NANANANANANAN, SPIDER MAAAAAN. I mean, BAT MAAAAAAN. haha, namaste folks :). |
Edited by - Divineis on Aug 26 2008 04:24:53 AM |
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yogani
USA
5201 Posts |
Posted - Aug 26 2008 : 1:41:55 PM
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Hi newpov, and welcome!
Nothing can change the fact that ultimately we are not our thoughts and emotions, or even our actions. We are the pure consciousness behind all that. What is shame but an attachment to a perception? It is identification.
This is why we meditate daily, to cultivate pure consciousness, that abiding inner silence -- the witness. Then, as we observe all that is going on, we can allow it and let it go. When we do, the compulsive conduct and self-judgment begin to relax. That is how it is done.
All emotions, including shame and regret, can be converted with the methods of bhakti. See the Bhakti and Karma Yoga book. All attachments can be be released in the mind by systematic means. See the Self-Inquiry book.
If there is a stubborn addiction, then additional help from a 12 step program can be very good. The 12 step support program is a systematic way to step out of a destructive attachment by surrendering to a "higher power," which is also our inner silence.
There are many tools available. All we have to do is use them as best we can and keep going.
Btw, sexual lifestyle is not an obstacle to spiritual development. The underlying principle of preservation and cultivation of sexual energy can be applied within any lifestyle. This is what the Tantra lessons, book and forum discussions are about. Even pornography can be used by bhakti, leading to sound application of tantric principles: http://www.aypsite.org/T38.html
So don't be too hard on yourself. What you seek you will find, and you are obviously aiming higher. Good things are happening. 
The guru is in you.
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newpov
USA
183 Posts |
Posted - Aug 26 2008 : 4:43:58 PM
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"aiming higher"?
Yogani, did you imagine I would miss your ironic drop dead wordplay on rifle? 
Someone suggested the pilot of the airplane, the man who later approached me with the rifle in his hand, is my "inner guru." Perhaps the Katha Upanishad explains equivalently the occurrence of this dream:
"The Self can be attained only by those the Self chooses.
Verily unto them does the Self reveal himself."
Aiming higher? This matter of elevation that Yogani raises bears a closer look... What does our pilot witness on the mountain below?
newpov supposes himself to have already arrived at a higher place than others. The dream actually indicates his spiritual pride, his ego craving to be "special" or preferred.
Also, we see that he is very alone "up there". Wouldn't it be good to experience himself on the same plane along with everyone else? But he is caught in narcissism.
It would be great to join the human race, if only I knew how.
newpov [a "new point of view" is my aspiration] |
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yogani
USA
5201 Posts |
Posted - Aug 26 2008 : 5:14:22 PM
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Hi newpov:
Well, call me dull and uninteresting, but I do not place much stock in dreams.
The aiming higher I was talking about is from waking state, and you are doing fine in that department. As long as we have a higher ideal for ourselves, and a willingness to act, we will move ahead. This is the essence of bhakti. As mentioned above, negative emotions can be used in this process also.
As long as we wait for someone or something other than ourselves to do the choosing and acting, we will be ... waiting.
It is suggested to review the AYP lessons from the beginning. There are many things to act on there that can leverage our desire into action and real results. In this way our point of view can be steadily changed to one with much more freedom -- the rise of inner silence, the witness, our true Self. Once we choose to move steadily toward That, then we are chosen.
The guru is in you.
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newpov
USA
183 Posts |
Posted - Aug 26 2008 : 5:53:51 PM
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Yogani: "...our point of view can be steadily changed to one with much more freedom."
My universe is so limited. My history (conditioning) and fear of the new hem me in. I guess I've been afraid of taking a chance on expansion. My aspirations have been curbed by a good measure of cynicism that anything I might do would be effectual and amount to something, someday. So any truly authoritative suggestion that incremental remediation is indeed possible gives me hope.
Thanks for the kick in the pants.
newpov
...to begin again, a bit more seriously this time, at page 1
= = = = = = = = = = = = =
Postscript:
Has Yogani just given us above a roadmap for what occurs in practice?
1. the rise of inner silence,
2. the witness,
3. our true Self.
4. Once we choose to move steadily toward That,
5. then we are chosen. |
Edited by - newpov on Aug 26 2008 6:13:58 PM |
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brother neil
USA
752 Posts |
Posted - Aug 26 2008 : 10:01:36 PM
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"many are called but few are chosen"
maybe few are chosen because few choose?
I dont know
Neil
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Divineis
Canada
420 Posts |
Posted - Aug 27 2008 : 12:41:07 AM
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haha, I side with tubeseeker on that one. I mean... from experiences of samadhi, and those "miraculous" happenings that just sorta take place, it just feels so much bigger than what it is you "leave behind". It's like, we can't take credit for it, though we definetly have to do the work, but once we leave all that behind, it's just a jabillion times bigger than us, we HAVE to say it's the "grace of god". I mean, by that point, it all seems enlightened. When I'm going about my daily business, and samadhi just sorta dawns upon me, it's all enlightened by that point, I can't say I'm chosen, it's all chosen haha, everything under my awareness seems just as enlightening, all these miraculous happenings taking place behind this ever present stillness... and last time, I was just in wal-mart, and "poof" samadhi, and suddenly, the miracle of wal-mart is present before me, people just doing their regular shopping, all taking place behind that ever present stillness that is. Now that's a miracle haha.
Sorta like Buddha said, "there's no two". Not that "everything is one", there's just... no two anymore. |
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sushman
India
86 Posts |
Posted - Sep 10 2008 : 12:05:57 AM
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newpov,
As Yogani has mentioned, the important thing is drop the identification with the actions or sufferings. I have been trying to control my sexual urges for long time now and have not been successful so far. But I don't feel the guilt (may be its underneath and not surfaced yet...i don't know).
Pls know that you are not alone and its very common with spiritual seekers; don't let it hold you back on your spiritual journey. the energy that is going down (as sexual activities) will one day get reversed and you will be in bliss. atleast thats what I am shooting for :)
Yes, tantra masturbation is a good start. I recently started it and after a number failures (to control the ejaculation), finally I am managing to stay on top. So, don't beat yourself if you can't control ejaculation for first few times. With enough bhakti, you will manage to get there. Also, pls do the sitting practices if you are practising tantra; otherwise, you may get frustrated with unspent energy.
ALL THE BEST !!! |
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brother neil
USA
752 Posts |
Posted - Sep 10 2008 : 8:41:37 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by sushman
newpov, So, don't beat yourself if you can't control ejaculation for first few times.
well if you dont beat yourself you should not have to worry about ejacualtion
I am love, I am peace, I am joy
and sometimes I am funny if only to myself
I am neil
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A shameful dream confronts me with life's choice
