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anthony574
USA
549 Posts |
 Posted - Apr 21 2008 : 11:24:11 PM
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Hey guys
It has been a while since i have been on the forums. I'd like to tell you all about what has been going on and see if this resonates with anyone.
Well, basically if you guys have kept up with my posts you see that my path so far with yoga (1 year) has been rocky. Well, things started maturing for me a couple weeks ago. I started *getting* it, I thought. I started getting the concept of *not getting it* or that there is Nothing to Get. Basically, i started experiencing the witness for about 3 days and I liked it. I liked the detachment and te silence I could find. Well, one night I'm over my friend Rob's and he has some marijuana food he made. In my state I thought "why not?" Well, what happened was way more than I bargained for and I was launched on a rollercoaster ride up and down the Shushumna. I experienced heart openings and overbearing rushes of orgasmic energy. Later on I launched into spontaneous yoga and became Jesus on the Cross (go figure, I'm not a Christian...). I found chakras in my hands and they kept wanting to come into a prayer position. Later on I had spontaneous kechari stage 2 and then it went too far. i started seeing the infinity symbol and going in and out of my body. I was in my mind becoming god and i didnt really want to be. my crown was waaay open and this went on for hours. long story short - i finally went too far.
the day after:
well, i felt burnt out. i also felt this strange resistance to yoga. i just kinda slacked on it and kept it to at least once a day. this has gone on for about 2 weeks now. the interesting thing is that this has happened before, the resistance, but most interestingly it doesnt bother me now. i feel detached from the practices. but this is not bad.
i think what this stage is for me is something to learn from. for one I know it is about grounding. but also, it is about rediscovering. when i was doing ayp before i was high and mighty. I wanted to be Anthony the Spiritual Guy. i became obsessive in some ways, compulsive, impulsive. i worried too much about "purity" and "right and wrong". a lot of good came out of that first year - and the fact that i am taking a vacation to the old me seems to be part of the journey. i am in a phase right now of "just doing it". i am being "old me" but without the "old me"'s mindset. the old me wanted to be someone else - Anthony THe Spiritual Guy. this me wants to be me. Is it possible that part of my path is to be seemingly "off the path"? I believe so. The old me "had" to do yoga. the old me would blame outbursts of anger on not having a "good" sadhana earlier. the old me was trying to escape itself - rejecting old friends, likes, ect. this me is about embracing who i am. i feel yoga did a lot, but that there was a lot of core work to be done as well and i feel this is part of the path. the old me felt guilt at backing off of practice. this me feels detached and feels hope that this is for the best and that it's all good. there is a such thing as being dependent on yoga, and i dont think thats the way to go. it became not too much different than being dependent on a drug everyday to feel "normal" or "ideal". this stage in my growth i think is about detachment, even from sadhana. yoga is still always in my heart and even when i am forgoing tantric restraint, strict sadhana, ect i feel it is yoga. i feel that night i had the crown opening happened as it was supposed to. it has shown me that there is no need to rush to have your mind blown open and that here and now is the gem. being who i am. someone put a lot of thought into making me and to try to blow that to bits or push it into "the past" is wrong.
i'm feeling free in a way i havent before. am i feeling energy surges? no. am i feeling particularly blissful or silent? no. am i feeling happy to be me? yes, for the first time in a while.
:-) |
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Divineis
Canada
420 Posts |
Posted - Apr 22 2008 : 02:17:49 AM
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haha nice :).
I know just what you mean. I went through a big "MUST LEARN AND LIVE SPIRITUAL STUFF" phase. Now I'm looking for that old "me" again. Not really looking, just allowing. hehe, I gotta admit, the "new" me probably enjoys laughing at "spiritual seeking" a bit too much. It's part of my learning I guess, I went one way, I dig going the other way right now... maybe one day I'll find the "middle path" (haha, find... what a joke). Though I rather like the "anti-deep" path of Zen haha. Yeah... i'm the regular guy with a zen edge I guess haha.
Those last two lines of yours really made me smile :). Keep on rocking in the free world!!! :-D
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Steve
277 Posts |
Posted - Apr 22 2008 : 09:30:57 AM
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Hi Anthony,
A wonderful post ... very inspirational ... thanks for sharing ...
Love and Light,
Steve  |
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tadeas
Czech Republic
314 Posts |
Posted - Apr 22 2008 : 09:39:02 AM
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Hi Anthony, sounds good :))
One of my friends who also started ayp about a year ago has just reached simmilar conclusions as you did :) He basically told me the same things you wrote. The only thing I told him was to keep practicing, at least keeping the habit in place... If you don't want to meditate at least sit for five minutes silently, that's all... so enjoy :) |
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VIL
USA
586 Posts |
Posted - Apr 22 2008 : 10:13:57 AM
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Great insight Anthony, and I particularly enjoyed your perspective on your crown experience, as an opportunity for growth, self-discovery and understanding; nothing to do with good or bad or right or wrong.
Namaste:
VIL |
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anthony574
USA
549 Posts |
Posted - Apr 23 2008 : 12:12:34 PM
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Thanks guys :-) I didn't quite know what to expect!
Tadeas, I have kept the habit up at least once a day meditation. I have been drawn to meditation on the breath lately which is not something I have done very often.
The whole while I was doing yoga for the first year I ended up forging the identity of "Anthony, the Spritual Seeker who Also Struggles with Inner Demons". These "demons" were scars from psychadelic expeirences gone wrong, childhood stuff, ect. I knew that while I was building myself into something good, I was also solidifying things that weren't so conducive to growth. It is a funny thing to be spiritual without BEING spiritual, if you know what I mean. It is easy to, while in the process of deconstructing your pre-yoga self to accidently build up a yoga-self which ends up being a static ego all its own for better or worse. I guess i got fed up with being "Anthony the Spritual Seeker...inner demons...blah blah blah". All the while on this path yet feeling masochistic as I brought on ego death and all this existential fear and paranoia, yet because I feared it and made it part of my life narrative I think I in turn brought it on. I am not familiar with the Laws of Attracion, but perhaps it applies.
So as I'm waving goodbye to this ego construct I am excited to see what comes next. In respect to AYP I have thought on it considerably and decided I would like to start anew in a sense. Because I developed a way of thinking that was extremely effects-driven (and usually subject to "failure") I would like to see what would happen if I started more slowly this time with meditation, pranayama, ect and went along the progression once more, all the while making sure not to try too hard (kinda of a Yoda-esque thing to do, right?). |
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AYPforum
351 Posts |
Posted - May 13 2008 : 08:31:18 AM
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| Moderator note: Topic moved for better placement |
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