|
|
 |
|
| Author |
 Topic  |
|
|
scottfitzgerald
USA
65 Posts |
 Posted - Feb 25 2008 : 4:16:38 PM
|
Sunday I was really honked off when I drove to a local meditation group at the Cincinnati Yoga School, yes the one that helped get Yogani on the radio, and found the door locked. Yes, I was late, but at the time it seemed like an injustice. I was ready to meditate, dang it. So I went home to meditate, and for some reason, I had a bit more bhakti and a bit more focus, and made the promise to myself I wouldn't get distracted by scenery, I would just stay focused on the mantra.
I did some pranyama, which I don't normally do much of, including one breath retention. It lit a fire in the root, and the rocket took off.
I have had what I thought was a lot of conductivity going on, however this session surpassed all that. There were vibrations, hot/cold in the root, and then the thin push of energy up my spine. It expanded as it went up, exploding again and again as it reached each new point on the way up, and all the time, Yogani's words came back to me, "go easily back to the practice." So I did, and it was the most monumental effort of will in the beginning. The entire universe was churning through me, every atom in my body was singing, and all the while I stuck to the mantra. Not quite sure I could say "easily favoring" the mantra, but I did it.
And then the fear hit. It was like hitting a brick wall, and the energy started to falter like a kite in a calm. I was feeling the most beautiful bliss and orgasmic sensations I could ever imagine (and then some) but my fear was putting a halt to it. The fear of a doctrine not of my upbringing, the fear of dying, the fear of losing control, the fear of never being satisfied with sex again, they all passed through me. I remember choosing to face the fear, and dove back in, pulling easily on the third eye, feeling the crown lighting up, and the joy came back with a delicious fury.
I was gone. And totally there. Nowhere and everywhere. I was in that place for an hour and a half, and it felt like no time had elapsed. The only measure of time I can remember is my moaning/chanting that I had no control over. The closest analogy I can use to describe how all of it felt was alternating current. Up til that point, I always believed I was the wiring, and the practices gave me glimpses of the current moving through me, and the friction (purification) was the pleasure. Now I realize that the pleasure actually comes from the current itself, and we ARE the current, and all that exists is the current. Or perhaps we are the movement, and the inner lovemaking is just the current undulating, and we glom on to that imagery easily as the two different polarities, (silence/conductivity) move inside of us--or maybe as we let go into them. I am so grateful for the feeling, and am equally grateful I don't feel torn to pieces from the experience, having read so many stories about too much this and too much that working through us.
Now what?
I am afraid again.
Afraid it will happen again and this time I will die, or go crazy and at the same time afraid that it won't happen again, and all I will ever have is that taste.
I'm not worried at this moment that I overdid it. Mentally I have been preparing for this for a long time--my whole life. Emotionally, I guess it took a lot longer to face. My main sutra in samyama lately, outside of love and akasha, has been "courage." I believe that helped.
I know what to do--go back and easily favor the practice, and all will be fine. I also realize that the tremendous pleasure I felt is just another bit of scenery to get used to (tough one, that) and then get past. It's hard to imagine there is anything better than that. I have to believe there is, as all the scenery in the past has been an aid to continue, so I can't imagine God would have such a sick sense of humor as to end it all there. :)
I find it odd that this happens around the same time I get directly contacted by someone in the AYP community to really start helping out on the marketing. Karma? Dharma? If I could figure out how to put all I experienced into a radio commercial we'd have to build bigger doors to allow everyone to get in!!!
Thoughts? Next steps? Doubts?
Wow...
|
Edited by - scottfitzgerald on Feb 25 2008 5:46:06 PM |
|
|
brushjw
USA
191 Posts |
Posted - Feb 25 2008 : 8:07:47 PM
|
Scott,
Thanks for your post. I have been battling fear since the beginning of my journey. I have relied on Internet resources, books and music to share my experiences, calm my fears, motivate, guide and inspire me. This is a well-traveled path and there are plenty of guides to help us.
This passage helped me rethink my motivation when I was in a place of fear:
"The real warning is this: don't go any further if you want to stay where you are. It is a very dangerous thing to undertake a spiritual journey if you have no intention of ever getting anywhere. Please, if you want to stay put, accept my regards and put this book down. There are many paths besides this one. You have the time to honor stasis in your own present-day world. Your change may need to come later."
(Your Aura & Your Chakras by Karla McLaren, p. 7-8)
No! Stasis was not an option. I had (have) the gift of desperation.
Stepping back in practice, as suggested by Yogani, until you get back to a place you are comfortable with, is effective. The path we're on is not linear, it's more of a spiral. We come back again and again to the same issues but hopefully we're on a higher level.
One ironic aspect of fear for me is that the fruits of advanced meditative practice - divine though they may be - are so contrary to popular concepts of normal reality that they can cause real, paralyzing fear. It sounds like you've experienced some of the same gifts. Fear is energy and we can use that energy to focus our practice.
Sometimes I meditate on my fear. I visualize where it exists in my body and "play" with it by changing my thoughts to bring it up or soothe it away. I imagine the worst case scenario and surrender to death. Ultimately all fear is fear of death. Once I've crossed that bridge I have only go go back to the practice: intent, posture, breathing.
aum namaste,
Joe
|
 |
|
|
Scott
USA
969 Posts |
Posted - Feb 26 2008 : 01:01:22 AM
|
| Good progress. |
|
|
|
nandhi
USA
362 Posts |
Posted - Feb 26 2008 : 02:02:12 AM
|
aum
I was feeling the most beautiful bliss and orgasmic sensations I could ever imagine (and then some) but my fear was putting a halt to it. The fear of a doctrine not of my upbringing, the fear of dying, the fear of losing control, the fear of never being satisfied with sex again, they all passed through me. I remember choosing to face the fear, and dove back in, pulling easily on the third eye, feeling the crown lighting up, and the joy came back with a delicious fury.
divine scot,
your experience is the waves of energies we go through when the process of 'waking up' takes place. whjen in the realization the petals of the crown chakra never are closed again.
what is being awake? knowing that beyond breath as death with the awareness the only treasure we take from birth to birth. as spirit experience we let our mind and body go through experience of death and rebirth in our meditative plunge.
when the mind is plucked away beyond into the vast void spirit that is joy, light,expansiveness and 'no-mind' state, it is normal that fear surfaces. hold the mantra/s and hold the divine presence in the mantra to guide the awareness beyond breath sitting at the third eye.
its good to align source energy entwined in what we do- hence preference for conscious samadhi instead of samadhi.
may the sacred energies of awakening be blessings of each to each!
aum
|
|
|
|
yogani
USA
5201 Posts |
Posted - Feb 26 2008 : 07:36:13 AM
|
Hi Scott:
Nice scenery. 
The fear doesn't necessarily have a reason. It can be as simple as energy passing through the neurobiology in ways it has not before. In that sense, fear is a symptom of purification and opening, like any other experience. It will pass as all symptoms do -- transforming to much quieter ecstatic bliss. You will get over it. It takes some time. Kundalini is not an overthrow of our life. Those who view it as an overthrow may have difficulty for obvious reasons -- it can breed a victim mentality, and then one is getting dragged from pillar to post. Much better to view it as a partnership, and proceed accordingly. The partnership approach leads to more stability. We have the methods to secure the partnership -- practices, self-pacing, grounding... Of course, it all gets surrendered along the way, but in ways that enable us to live a normal life. That is pretty important.
The key is to not rush out and act on our fear, or even on our ecstatic bliss. Life can go on as it has before, and we will be happier in it...
The Zen folks are very wise about this, saying before enlightenment it is "Chop wood, carry water." And after enlightenment it is "Chop wood, carry water."
In other words, just carry on with normal life.
There is the old idea that when the energy begins to flow, everything has to change on the outside. We should leave the job and the family, run off to the ashram, and all that. Personally, I think it is an over-reaction to something that is ultimately pretty ordinary. In the old days, maybe it was okay when awakenings happened in a tiny percentage of the population. It didn't matter much that a few people were running off when they didn't have to. Maybe isolation made sense back then. The society could afford it.
But what will happen when 10%, 20%, or 50% of the population is awakening? It will happen. With old school solutions it will be chaos -- unnecessary chaos. Sure, we will have more ashrams for those who simply must take off, but everyone else can just continue on where they are, meeting their daily responsibilities like always. Why not? We are all in the same boat. Isn't it wonderful?
It is a bit like winning the lottery. Some people quit their job, get a new house, a new car, a new family, new friends, whatever, and end up miserable. The smart lottery winners stay put and make very gradual changes in their life, if any at all. And they do well with their wealth over the long term, learning to wear it comfortably in ordinary daily living.
Kundalini is like that. We may have a big opening. So what else is new? Hopefully not too much at once on the outside. It can be destabilizing. So, once breakthoughs are occurring, it is all about keeping a steady course. Pacing and grounding -- which are about attending to the mundane things in life. It is about what we are already doing every day right now. Having responsibilities is a blessing in this, keeping us involved in spiritually integrative action, though we may grumble about it in the beginning. "What am I, this sacred divine being, doing sitting in a Dilbert Cube?" Being a sacred divine being, that's what. It is as real in the Dilbert Cube as it is in the ashram. More real, actually, because living in the world is where the rubber of spirituality meets the road. That is where inner life is integrated with outer life.
Incidently, staying with the ordinary during our transformation is how the ordinary becomes extraordinary in its own quiet ways. Stillness in action. Steadily rising happiness, based in equanimity. This is how the society will be illuminated in every nook and cranny, with enlightenment rising in people in every corner of the world. Not primarily in the ashrams, and not primarily by extraordinary acts. If something appears externally extraordinary, it rarely is. Less is more. Much more.
"Chop wood, carry water."
All the best on your wonderful journey from here to here!
The guru is in you.
PS: Looking forward to hearing/seeing your enlightenment commercial. 
PPS: Your encounter with the locked door at Cincinnati Yoga School reminded me of this:
“I have lived on the lip of insanity,
wanting to know reasons,
knocking on a door.
It opens.
I have been knocking from the inside!”
Jelaluddin Rumi – 13th Century Sufi Mystic
|
|
|
|
VIL
USA
586 Posts |
Posted - Feb 26 2008 : 09:17:21 AM
|
Scott, coinciding with the wisdom of yogani, since all things interrelate, I noticed that you bolded these three words: I into Now. It may be nothing... but it was unusual in the sense that most bold a word or grouping of words or phrase for emphasis, like when I did something similar within a previous post realizing a Freudian slip (after the fact:  ) by saying 'cotton pieces stuck within my head' when maybe I meant to say 'cotton pieces stuck within my hair', but decided to keep it as is, since it was much more accurate and served the greater purpose; reminding me of this phrase, 'God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference': LOLOL
Take care:
VIL |
Edited by - VIL on Feb 26 2008 09:22:28 AM |
|
|
|
Anthem
1608 Posts |
Posted - Feb 26 2008 : 09:41:30 AM
|
Congratulations Scottfitzgerald, sounds like a wonderful opening, enjoy!
"What you are looking for is what is looking"
Rumi |
Edited by - Anthem on Feb 26 2008 09:43:00 AM |
|
|
|
VIL
USA
586 Posts |
Posted - Feb 26 2008 : 09:54:26 AM
|
Also, scott, I wanted to add that I have enjoyed your enlightenment milestone and look forward to more experiences within the same vein:
"Monks, I know not of any other single thing that brings such bliss as the mind that is tamed, controlled, guarded and restrained. Such a mind indeed brings great bliss." -Buddha
VIL
|
|
|
|
Jim and His Karma
2111 Posts |
Posted - Feb 26 2008 : 12:06:24 PM
|
Welcome to spiritual puberty!
quote:
Originally posted by scottfitzgerald
Sunday I was really honked off when I drove to a local meditation group at the Cincinnati Yoga School, yes the one that helped get Yogani on the radio, and found the door locked. Yes, I was late, but at the time it seemed like an injustice. I was ready to meditate, dang it. So I went home to meditate, and for some reason, I had a bit more bhakti and a bit more focus, and made the promise to myself I wouldn't get distracted by scenery, I would just stay focused on the mantra.
Interesting! The two necessary things are bhakti and a sense of commitment (the latter is really just a byproduct of the former, but it's a necessary one). And your bhakti was roused by the anger. All strong emotion is bhakti...it's all love for God (or choose your favorite term) repressed, sublimated, and oddly directed. In fact, it's a very good practice (sort of alluded to in that scholarly article you and I both liked) to try to establish that connection more and more. Whether it's the driver who cut you off and made you mad, the attractive man/woman who makes you hot under the collar, the music that gives you a little thrill, or the grief of a lost loved one, don't fight the feeling - encourage rather than suppress it - and as you cultivate its essence, you'll observe that it's nothing but pure bhakti, and can be used for any purpose, like an emotional stem cell. Other traditions call this "alchemy", a great term.
quote:
Yogani's words came back to me, "go easily back to the practice." So I did, and it was the most monumental effort of will in the beginning.
Yep. It's easier to transcend Bad Cop (distracted mind, physical discomfort, feelings of hopelessness, noisy environment) than Good Cop (ecstasy, bliss). And the challenge keeps heightening. But since increasing silence accommodates increasing ecstasy, you are given no challenges you are unequipped to handle (to paraphrase the Bible).
quote:
And then the fear hit. It was like hitting a brick wall, and the energy started to falter like a kite in a calm. I was feeling the most beautiful bliss and orgasmic sensations I could ever imagine (and then some) but my fear was putting a halt to it. The fear of a doctrine not of my upbringing, the fear of dying, the fear of losing control, the fear of never being satisfied with sex again, they all passed through me.
Only natural. We all pull back a thousand ways at the most trivial openings. Why should big openings be any different? What we are doing in spiritual practices is reconfronting these openings, again and again (just like Groundhog Day!), and letting go into them just a smidge more each time. Sometimes we don't let go on something for a session or two or a thousand or ten million. That's fine. The process is very, very patient. And bhakti will eventually see you through.
quote:
I remember choosing to face the fear, and dove back in, pulling easily on the third eye, feeling the crown lighting up, and the joy came back with a delicious fury.
Ah. Temptation. You're learning the tricks, like a mouse pressing, again and again, the button that delivers the jolt to the electrode planted in his brain's pleasure center. How can you not press that button?
But don't. Go back to mantra. Favor the practice in spite of the ecstasy, in spite of the fear of the ecstasy, and in spite of your growing knowledge on how to "make it happen". Take to heart these words: this isn't about making something happen to you. It's about opening up more and more and LETTING (everything!) happen. Less doing, more letting.
And this is the time to engage MORE in the world, rather than get more and more wrapped up in pushing the pleasure button. Ecstasy, after all, is not the goal. Be grateful for the cleansing, and realize it's just a stage, just experience to be transcended.
quote:
I am afraid again. Afraid it will happen again and this time I will die, or go crazy and at the same time afraid that it won't happen again, and all I will ever have is that taste.
Totally natural. Keep practicing, it will become normal (hard to believe, I know). Yogani says this a lot, and it's true. What seems unbelievably monumental will come to seem almost humdrum and neurological. But only if you follow his simple direction to favor the practice. Not "conquer the fear". Not "find new ways to push the pleasure button". Not "make stuff happen". This is the most important time to scrape away all your issues and emotions and strivings from your practice, and just do it purely (still like brushing teeth!!!) and simply let go. It's also a good time to reread Yogani's lessons. I reread them from time to time, and it helps me un-complicate things.
quote:
I'm not worried at this moment that I overdid it.
Hey, you should be! In fact, that's the ONLY thing to be worried about! :)
quote:
I know what to do--go back and easily favor the practice, and all will be fine. I also realize that the tremendous pleasure I felt is just another bit of scenery to get used to (tough one, that) and then get past. It's hard to imagine there is anything better than that. I have to believe there is, as all the scenery in the past has been an aid to continue, so I can't imagine God would have such a sick sense of humor as to end it all there. :)
Good, but it's easy to type that into an online forum! The question is if you can really apply it during this tumultuous, heady time. I have no doubt at all that you'll be back on track quickly, and be on to greater and greater surrender.
But please, no more multi-hour languishing in the ecstasy if you can. it derails practice, and, like a kid who's never burnt his hand on flame, it'd be great to understand BEFORE problems start that overdoing is a real drag. And there can be time lags of a few days before symptoms appear. |
Edited by - Jim and His Karma on Feb 26 2008 12:11:38 PM |
|
|
|
Jim and His Karma
2111 Posts |
Posted - Feb 26 2008 : 12:14:09 PM
|
| Oh, and I won't congratulate you, because the mind I'd be congratulating not only wasn't responsible, but had to be forcibly restrained by long hours of yoga to permit this opening (though your mind would undoubtedly very happily take credit for what was accomplished by its muzzling!). |
|
|
|
Guy_51
USA
170 Posts |
Posted - Feb 26 2008 : 12:44:01 PM
|
Hi Scott:
What a great story! Let's start building those HUGE doors now. I have no doubt that Human Spiritual Transformation is the next big thing in the business matrix, it's just a matter of capturing lighting in a bottle, uh oh Kundalini in a bottle. Then they'll be lined up out the door, down the street, and around the block.
Onward and Upward:
Guy
|
|
|
|
Etherfish
USA
3615 Posts |
Posted - Feb 26 2008 : 7:25:42 PM
|
I have a problem with fear also. It's like a roller coaster ride sometimes. What always works for me is to think of God, and say repeatedly stuff like "God is the provider of everything; there is nothing lacking."
"God is the provider of even human love and human sex."
That always turns off the fear for me. |
|
|
|
VIL
USA
586 Posts |
Posted - Feb 27 2008 : 11:53:02 AM
|
yogani's post reminded me of this:
"Yoga, Computers and
Four Levels of Consciousness
by Swami Jnaneshvara Bharati
SwamiJ.com
I am not the picture on my computer monitor.
I am electricity.
I am not the processing in my microchip.
I am electricity.
I am not the data on my hard drive.
I am electricity.
I am the life in all of these three.
I am the electricity."
http://www.swamij.com/computers-consciousness.htm
Especially true in my case, since I don't own a computer and share with another: LOLOLOL:
VIL
|
Edited by - VIL on Feb 27 2008 11:56:13 AM |
|
|
| |
Topic |
|
|
|
| AYP Public Forum |
© Contributing Authors (opinions and advice belong to the respective authors) |
|
|
|
|
Pushing through the fear
