|
|
 |
|
| Author |
 Topic  |
|
|
Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
 Posted - Aug 11 2007 : 12:05:48 PM
|
Hi
I stood by the kitchen sink and prepared breakfast today. I was slicing tomatoes and cucumbers. I was quiet.....simply staying with the cutting, watching the hands move. Then.....out of nothing.....came the realization: It is not I that move! I am not doing this! Fascinated, I continued to watch....The hands knew exactly what to do....the body moved....the sink faucet got turned on....It was so obvious that I was not doing anything. Everything knew, by itself, what to do.
Something similar happened yesterday, when I was rehearsing some music that I will sing on Monday. In the middle of the singing....there was an inner shift.....and the same realization: It is not I that sing! Immediately the singing was so easy. A thought rose: "It is not I that sing!". Immediately I knew that this was ...not truth. This thought had nothing to do with it.
Today....it is becoming clearer why the body identification is so...stubborn; so....difficult to transcend. It is the thoughts that make it so (I am sure you all know this....but I say it anyway). I believe the thoughts, and am thus stuck. Half lie, half truth. Mixed...unclear. It is not difficult – it is only I that make it so. Because I believe myself. I believe in the fantasy, at the exclusion of reality.
All it takes is ....trust. Trust that what happens is exactly what should happen. Always. Trust that reality will always be what is. In any moment anywhere. For me.....who are so stubborn....this trust is no little thing. It has taken years of practise to ....to trust reality. Because I don't trust, until I experience it as true.
So be it.
It is so….simple. The I – the ego – is a collection of thoughts held together by images and emotions. I have spent many years collecting myself. Coming together. But this coming together is not realization. It is rather a .....chrystalization. Now that I am together, it is possible to catch hold of myself. It is now possible to stay with just the I. Just the initial thought of I. Even when I don’t say -"i" – inside....there is still the sense of "i". It is located deep within the chest . When I notice another thought arising from this sense of "I"; I let it rise, but I immediately revert my attention back to the sense of "I".....Lately, I have felt that this "i" – the false I – is everywhere. This "i" is mixed into everything I look at. It is this "i" that is the opaqueness of the whole world.
So......attention turns to this "i". Again and again. Everytime attention goes here, the "i" disappears. It persists for an instant, and then it is no more. It is a phantom – it can’t stand attention on just itself.
Everything is explained by this. I see that everything I have ever done (thinking all along that "i" did it) has been motivated by the ...resistance to being found out as being a phantom. Not real. Every time I have ever been afraid of looking into somebodys eyes – it has been because I have always known that I am nothing. I have been afraid of being exposed as being nothing. Always resisting it.....because I was not aware of the radiance beyond/in this nothingness. But also - because I have known that love exists. It is this radiance that I have thought needed protection.
But it doesn’t!
It is utterly self reliant.
Watching the body do its thing.....seeing how everything is like that....completely at ease in itself.....
This left me so lighthearted
Lighter than a feather
|
|
|
anthony574
USA
549 Posts |
Posted - Aug 11 2007 : 12:18:47 PM
|
| About the feeling of "I am not doing this, IT is doing it", I had a similar experience on LSD a long time ago. I walked in the door and went to the refridgerator and all of a sudden reality broke up into frames and it seemed as though whatever I was going to do was already laid out for me...like I was just following a linear path of causes and events. It's hard to explain, it's like I was immediately before the present, or maybe directly in it. |
 |
|
|
emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Aug 17 2007 : 04:32:13 AM
|
"It is now possible to stay with just the I. Just the initial thought of I. Even when I don’t say -"i" – inside....there is still the sense of "i". It is located deep within the chest."
Yes, Katrine, that is staying home!  Stay with your true being, drink from that well inside your chest. Go into it 100% and there's no end to the depths!
My realization is that that tango dance in and out from that presence, I, is so beautiful. It is a being waking up, getting more real.
Have you had one of those huge Buddha laughs??? 
It's hilarious when it hits you!  |
|
|
|
bewell
1275 Posts |
Posted - Aug 17 2007 : 10:29:33 AM
|
quote:
Originally posted by anthony574
About the feeling of "I am not doing this, IT is doing it", I had a similar experience...
That reminds me of a day, a couple of weeks ago, when I was first getting into Kechari stage one and feeing great inner excitement. The sensation reminded me of the film clips of screaming, fainting girls at Beetles concerts, or of angels around the throne of God. I was feeling this inner excitement, focused around the eyebrow center, but outwardly I was calm and energetic, and I noticed, in the mirror, I looked strikingly "handsome." Because of being so non-anxious and happy, I supposed.
I though to myself, "Is there anything I could do FOR someone else while in this bliss state?" I decided to return a beach umbrella we had borrowed from a neighbor. While I was returning it, it seemed to me like being a pilot with the plane on auto-pilot: I just watched my outer-self return the umbrella and relate to my neighbors in a pleasant way without a particular sense of being "in control." I noticed I was oddly free of eye-contact anxiety too. All the while, inside, I still had this love-struck girls at a Beatles concert ecstatic bliss going on. My inner self seemed much more spacious and it rang true the notion that kechari is "flying in inner space."
Yesterday, I had a good Buddha laugh, laughing without a joke while alone. And I have noticed lots of outer things make me laugh lately. I had to clarify to my wife when she spilled a pint of my delicious fresh-made garden tomato sauce on the kitchen floor yesterday, "I'm not laughing at you, even though I am in a way, I guess, but not maliciously. It is just that I feel like laughing." She took it well. |
Edited by - bewell on Aug 17 2007 10:54:02 AM |
|
|
|
Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Aug 21 2007 : 12:52:36 PM
|
Hi
quote:
Just the initial thought of I. Even when I don’t say -"i" – inside....there is still the sense of "i". It is located deep within the chest."
This - the sense of "i" - is the false I. What is (source) - is...below....beyond this sense of "i". It is what is left when the sense of "i" is completely ....absent.
When turning the attention towards the sense of "i" - when fixing the attention here......the sense of "i" .....implodes. In the forever open expanse thus uncovered.......shines what is. Completely of itself.
When being this shine......there is no sense of I. Everything just is as it is.
Emc wrote:
quote:
Have you had one of those huge Buddha laughs???
No. I have not had it.
But the shine is sometime soundless laughter.
The retreat (Bernie Prior) has opened you, emc.
Your post is bubbling with it. The laughter.
How beautiful!
|
|
|
|
emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Aug 21 2007 : 5:05:02 PM
|
Wonderful to share that post, Katrine! Yes, I have opened up a great deal. And I remember your words. Stay home! That is the choice we have - to stay home or not. No matter the price to pay for that in the world of existence.
I woke up and feet took me to the kitchen this morning. I was excited to see what breakfast my body would be served. It turned out life wanted to cook oat porridge. With slow motion movements hands grabbed the pot, blended oats and water, salted and cooked the porridge, served it on a plate. Hand lifted the spoon and took it to my mouth and fed my body. Absolutely wonderful. Being so well taken care of without any effort at all. Strange feeling of food dropping and dropping into nothing after I swallowed. Disappearing into a space that used to be my body.
Then stress entered when mind wanted to say "Hurry up, you'll miss the train". Started to stress and believed my thoughts until I found trust again "If stillness can cook porridge it can make me catch the train!". Although only minutes until my train would leave, I found myself completely calm. Slow motion movement took over and teeth were brushed, clothes were put on, and I rode my bike strangely seemingly standing still in space while bike moved and wind felt my face. It moved, but nothing moved at the same time. No reason to hurry at all. One can catch a train running in slow motion! How wonderful this life is.
The mind trap coming up is the wish to repeat lovely moments. But the presence never repeats itself. It is new every moment. Brand new. Whenever I try to repeat or want something back I fall down in ego, storytelling and density. I found it extremely dense to visit the city today. I could not stay present for very long, I started to believe my thoughts of how horrible the city was, thick and heavy and overflowing with mindy people...
Later this evening, though, I watched the film "The Fountaine" again with a friend. I saw myself getting irritated by his mind and closed heart. But I felt that stirr in the chest and chose to open up to love and stay true. When I remembered I am LOVE, everything melted again. Instead of getting afraid of the density I let the density pierce me, and realized that is what vulnerability is! To stay open and get pierced by the density and coarse unawareness and egoism! Oh, what sweet lovely soft pain that flowed through my being, making me overflow with love and compassion. My hands rose in greeting and salutation and an offering of myself above my head and then one hand was floating like a wave in front of his heart chakra for a long while, seemingly opening it up. Love seeking love. An awakened consciousness seek to awaken others. This world of duality is not horrible when met with unconditional love. Then every situation and every moment is a wonder and a blessing bringing incredible bliss!
I gladly surrender. I gladly hand myself over. I gladly die for this love. But I have to do it NOW. Every moment. Or I fall into ego again. I have to trust, I have to let go. I have to just relax and fall, fall, fall into that endless love that I am without knowing anything of what is to come. Whenever I fear the future my chest closes down. I feel it... the contraction, the thought, the emotion closing it all down, making my lightness heavy again, boundaries coming, shrinking happening, body becoming the center of the earth... And then I have to surrender once more, and once more. It's a constant surrender to what is.
|
|
|
|
Anthem
1608 Posts |
Posted - Aug 21 2007 : 7:36:11 PM
|
Beautiful post EMC,
"It's a constant surrender to what is."
After practices today, I was sitting and I had a similar realization, that it is our minds that stop (or attempt to) the flow of what Is. We try to define, find meaning or create reference, a vain attempt to know the unknowable. To be open is like riding a wave, staying in the flow of the now, ever changing, ever new, never knowing what will happen next. Like unwrapping an unexpected gift.
Thank you for your words,
A
|
|
|
|
gentlep
USA
114 Posts |
Posted - Aug 22 2007 : 1:12:16 PM
|
| It's interesting to note how you experience body doing things automatically. How about the words you speak.Do you see them coming out on their own as well? |
|
|
|
bewell
1275 Posts |
Posted - Aug 22 2007 : 3:40:34 PM
|
quote:
Originally posted by emc
...When I remembered I am LOVE, everything melted again. Instead of getting afraid of the density I let the density pierce me, and realized that is what vulnerability is! To stay open and get pierced by the density and coarse unawareness and egoism! Oh, what sweet lovely soft pain that flowed through my being, making me overflow with love and compassion.
Yes, yes, yes. |
|
|
|
emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Aug 22 2007 : 4:44:18 PM
|
That's a lovely question, gentlep. The words that come out of my mouth is a barometer of truth. The ego is very quick to drop in and distort what's coming out. I immediately feel the drop of energies when that happens and is alerted to the fact that ego is now in command again. As soon as I use the personalized meaning of I, as in "I did this or that" "I think or feel this or that" "I like or dislike this and that", the density comes, headache comes, stress comes. When words about truth is coming out it seems to flow by itself, and people seem to hear exactly what they need to hear in order to wake up. Their reaction is to get still, stare, and say something like "You know, that's true!" and look puzzled.
Singing in the flow is marvellous. The tunes that comes and the voice quality with which my body sings is remarkable. My ego is stunned! At the retreat I got several comments on that. One afternoon I started to sing a hymn to the garbage that I was carrying out. Funny tune, funny lyrics, sung by total devotion, sung for the pure grace of living and having to carry garbage to the bin. A beautiful happening worthy a song of its own.
Thank you for asking, bringing more awareness of the words I spill out!
|
|
|
| |
Topic |
|
|
|
| AYP Public Forum |
© Contributing Authors (opinions and advice belong to the respective authors) |
|
|
|
|
Lighthearted
