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emc
2072 Posts |
 Posted - Apr 22 2007 : 06:29:16 AM
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The power of words
quote:
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God./ John 1:1
Words are quite powerful. Words create. Words manifest. I have been thinking a lot about words and communication lately and want to share my thoughts. Please, give me feed-back on this if you get any impulses of where I might be wrong or just share what you think!
The road to my understanding looked like this:
First I read Byron Katie and understood a lot about projections. When someone insults you, it is a complete misunderstanding! It is not possible to insult anyone. The insult comes solely from your own thoughts – your interpretation, the story you tell about it. If it stirs an emotion in you, it is because you start to remember an old wound and the pain associated with it. The person saying the comment is often acting out of deep unawareness. All 'evil' comes from being unaware, since awareness is pure LOVE and TRUTH, which can never hurt. That takes away all guilt. That has truly been an amazing mind-blower to me.
quote:
We do not need to protect ourselves from anyone. We only need to protect ourselves from ourselves. If something affects us, it probably stirs our sense of personal importance. We become vulnerable when our ego is stirred. A feeling of insult or upset is a signal that our personal importance is still active and needs cleansing./Gaya Jenkins Ruiz
Katies suggestions is to question your thoughts to see if they are really true, if they cause you pain or relief, and if they cause you pain – why think it?  And if you turn the thought around it shows clearly you are only projecting your own pain, letting someone else carry your dark sides that is too painful to be aware of in yourself. I have found her method extremely useful. My own mind eventually becomes the biggest joke, although very precious, because in spite of its silliness it is actually only doing its best to protect me from further wounds! It is just not working as intended. So I started not to take others’ comments so seriously. http://www.thework.com/thework.asp
Secondly, I started to draw conclusions... If I can’t really get hurt, insulted or humiliated by anyone else, then I should not be able to hurt, insult or humiliate others... So I am always home free then, am I? It felt wrong. I got stomach ache. I stir others’ wounds, making them sad and angry. Feels no good. Not even with the knowledge that pain is love, and that pain is an alarm bell for awakening to awareness. Sure, I help them by nagging their systems, but I don’t like myself when I do that. I am not my true self – loving, kind, true and genuine.
Don Miguel Ruiz, toltec nagual had a brilliant way of explaining my stomach ache:
- The human psyche is like soil. If you saw a seed in form of an opinion, idea or conception it will grow thoughts if you believe the opinion. If you say “You're lousy, you're ugly”, the person will develop a thought “I'm worthless, I look awful” independent of talent or looks. Pure magic!
- This process causes emotional poison in each person and we don’t like poison, so we try to transfer it to the next person we meet, spreading the emotional poison around with the help of words. We spread it by blaming, cursing, gossip, having opinions about others etc. A feeling of revenge is behind it, and we love to get someone to support us in our view, giving us right.
quote:
As kids we do this without thinking, but as adults we become more scheming in our attempts to put someone else down. Then we lie to ourselves and says the person only got a fair punishment for his ill-deed. /Ruiz
I clearly saw this picture he was making, of how we make a carousel of spreading this poison around. Ruiz’s solution is to “Be true in your speech” (and “Take nothing personally”). First and foremost in the way you speak to yourself with your inner voice. If you don’t hammer your negative beliefs in your mind and don’t believe them anymore (same as Katie), you will be less inclined to believe the next attempt to poison you that comes from the outside, and you will be more and more loving to yourself and others. You will start to get “allergic” to others’ poison, and refuse to take more of it, being fully aware of that person’s need to dump emotional garbage on you.(My previous wonderings of the meaning of the three monkeys are suddenly clear. http://www.aypsite.org/forum/topic....OPIC_ID=1870)
quote:
How much you love yourself is a measure of the degree to which you are true in your speech. /Ruiz.
I found that to be extremely true. It is only in times of “lows” filled with self-hatred, low self-esteem and low self-regard that I hurt others, blurt out insults, write angry posts, scorn, laugh at others’ failures and behave like a bitch. What a direct relationship!
About the same time, I saw the film “The Secret” and understood the law of attraction. I understood that not only words create, but even thoughts! Mind creates reality. I understood that what I live in today is what I thought and believed before, currently manifested! I began to REALLY understand the power of words and communication! I really do create my own world and my own life!
quote:
“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.” /?
And then I spotted a quote from Katie again on 'the gift of critique', which pleased me the most:
quote:
When someone says you are wrong, are unkind, unclear or not caring etc, feel it! Experience it, even invite it. Ask yourself: Is that true? May they be right? Can I see how anyone could see me like that? Wait for the answer. See if you can answer only with "Thanks for letting me know. You may be right!"
After the critique, ask yourself, "Was it in anyway unpleasant or painful to receive the critique?" If the answer is yes, then it’s a sign that you believe the critique is true and that you haven’t worked it through yet or gone deep enough. See what happens when you inquire your thought that immediately wants to go in defence.
Defence is the first act of war. If you tell me I am mean, negative, hard, unkind, unfair, I say: "Thank you dear, I can find all of that in my life, I have been all of that and more. Tell me everything you see, and together we may help me understand. Through you I get to know myself. Without you, how could I know the places inside of me that are so unkind and invisible?" This is how friends meet. It is called integrity. /From I need your love – is that true?
By this time of my development, I clearly saw the pattern of how emotions, thoughts, words, communication and the cosmic laws are bound together and interact. Now, the question was... what to do about my blind spots causing verbal violence? How can I proceed? How can I practice awareness within this field?
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Edited by - emc on Apr 22 2007 3:25:47 PM |
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Apr 22 2007 : 06:29:52 AM
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On communication
Verbal communication
I started to dig among my tools, and remembered some different techniques on communication. One of them was interestingly Non-Violent Communication, NVC – pure ahimsa!!!  Now I have learned that it has a great spiritual component and is well known within spiritual circles. (http://www.cnvc.org/nvc.htm) It was a long time since I was engaged in it, but it has now been revived to me. I probably still suck at it, but I do my best to work with it. The basic idea is this method creates understanding instead of stirring emotions, thus gives very little incentive to get back at someone.
quote:
1. State what you observe - pure facts are allowed without adjectives
2. Tell about your own reaction to it.
3. Tell about your need.
4. Ask if the person wants to help you with that, and if so, ask if he/she would kindly... whatever.
Example: There is a "doing-the-dishes schedule" in the family, but dishes are all around in a mess. Mum gets angry! But she says:
1. I see a lot of dishes around here.
2. I get very frustrated and scared when I see this. I start thinking "What if someone comes and sees this!"
3. I need to have it tidy around me to feel safe and cool.
4. Would you like to talk with me for a moment about doing the dishes?
5. Could you help me by doing the dishes according to the schedule or do you have any other good thought on what could be done?
Noone is ever to blame for not doing the dishes. There is no past involved. Only NOW and future solutions. There are many pitfalls, though in using this method, and it takes a great deal of practice! For example, emotions that require another to have done or thought something to you is not to be used - I feel humiliated, put down, treated with no respect... That implies that the other person actually did something wrong, sending the guilt message, fueling fight.
I am not very consequent in using this myself, but when I use it, it is always super effective! NVC can be applied everywhere aggression pops up. The paradoxical truth is that, no matter how unjust, rude or totally idiotic a person or situation might be... it solves when you use NVC!!!! It is a real Gandhi-method, and it has proven to work! However, you must be prepared to not WIN! 
quote:
Most people spend all their energy on personal importance, on defending the picture they have of themselves and on defending their opinions. They put a lot of energy on trying to be right and to see to that others are wrong. This nonsense behaviour is funny when you look at it from the outside, but becomes a great drama when you are in the middle of it. The drama drain us of energy. If we keep what we believe in, and keep all our deals [with our false beliefs], we will have no energy left. /Don Miguel Ruiz
TA - Transactional Analysis is another famous technique. It is based on a system where communication is thought to be different depending on which role you have at the moment:
-The parent, judging, criticizing or being supportive and empathic - disregarded of 'colour', it gives the other person a feeling of being smaller than s/he really is.
- The child, emotional and direct - can be liberating but often not functional.
- The adult, the objective role, rational, solution seeking and responsible – might sound like the "best role", but life would be terribly boring if we took that role constantly.
We always switch quickly between these roles. The idea of the method is to become more aware of these roles, which gives us a greater possibility to choose which one is best for the moment. When someone is using the parent role towards you giving you a rebuke, you can refuse to get into a child role (martyr, anger), refuse to get lured into an answer from the same judging parent role ("well, you did this and that yourself"), but instead state the facts and try to get into an adult-adult conversation, or at least keep yourself in the adult role, independent of the other's role.
Written communication
When we speak,we have the great benefits of being able to use our body language, which is often the major sender system we have: gesture, posture, clothes, tone, pitch, tempo, mimics etc. Some say 80% of our communication is non-verbal. It becomes a bit more difficult just using phone. What happens when we write? We are handicapped. On the web the smilies are an attempt to make up for the loss of mimics, but it is a poor substitute.   I guess we all have experiences of that. I can go totally neurotic when I lose feeling for the tone in a post - there is so much space left for interpretations, projections and fantasies!
My experience is accordingly, that misunderstandings are common when communicating on the internet (mail, forum, chat), causing unnecessary drama. I try to always write as clear as possible, but still - I upset people sometimes, I forget myself, I get sucked into a discussion and start to spread poison in my unconscious state.
Changing habits
One of the most difficult habits I struggle with is my easy slip into a "debating style" in both speech and written language. I become a politician, using every semantic trick I can, using every argumentation technique I have learned in my rhetoric class. I twist and turn others' argument in order to make them look foolish, I go for a personal attack when I don't have any objective arguments left (start to question the other's authority, amount of knowledge and experience, age or other personal characteristics. Yes, I blush admitting it, but it's true. ). The 2000 year old school of rhetoric teach excellent ways to put others down. Very not-yogic in my opinion and very far from the wisdom of Katie, Ruiz and others. But I have never thought about that before! On the contrary, I thought is was elegant ways to fight intellectually.
What woke me up was my present job; we have a norm culture there that is strictly ideological: equality and respect on all levels are custom. If you break the norm you are told at once! I feel so privileged to work there. I have been forced to self-inquiry, practice a dialogue style instead of a debate style. The work method we use is problem solving focused and negativity, dwelling in the past etc is non-existent. In a dialogue the aim is to do a mutual journey toward greater understanding, taking turns to listen and share. I learn that communicating with that aim is so much more rewarding.
Tolle's suggestion on changing is to just be aware and let the silence burn the blockages. Yogani is also fond of that solution, writing in this section of forum:
quote:
Again, in AYP we rely primarily on the rise of inner silence and the natural purifying tendencies contained within it to inspire our conduct and personal habits to higher expression. This is why in AYP you do not find many rules of "do's and don'ts." Paths that focus heavily on yamas and niyamas tend to be filled with rules and regulations -- highly regimented. And initiations into additional yoga practices (like those we discuss openly in AYP) are contingent on following the requirements of yamas and niyamas to the satisfaction of the guru. This works for some people, but not for most.
Further, I found a very informative thread in forum on this topic: http://www.aypsite.org/forum/topic....TOPIC_ID=608
I don't see the need to satisfy any other guru but my guru within with my work on yamas and niyamas regarding communication style. Perhaps it is my practices that have worked really well, since I have been so inspired to improve my conduct on communication.
But I still have a loooooooooong way to go!  . I must say this forum is filled with so many kind, clear and well-written posts it's like a well to drink fresh water from! I enjoy being here and reading your posts. I see you as my teachers (for example, Christi alerted me on an upsetting post I had written just the other week, and I am so grateful! Thank you, Christi!). I truly hope and wish that you all will continue to help me improve in this area. By pointing out my slips and/or by reacting emotionally showing me I was not loving and true in my speech. Preferably, I’d like all such help being sent to me in private (email if you click on my nick). I find it not very functional to fill the forum with such matters - I'd like to have the threads clean of personal stuff like that (pure practical forum hygiene). In private mails I would just love to get feed-back on my blind spots!
Thank you for reading this essay!
quote:
"The pen is mightier than the sword." /Edward Bulwer-Lytton
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Edited by - emc on Apr 22 2007 08:14:21 AM |
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Blue Opal
33 Posts |
Posted - Apr 22 2007 : 07:22:03 AM
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Here's an Urdu couplet on the power of words:
Baat heera hain, baat moti hain, baat laakhon ki izzat khoti hain,
Baat har baat ko nahin kahlati hain, baat badi mushkil se hoti hain.
- Anonymous
Rough translation:
(Some) words (speech?)   can be like diamonds, (some) words can be like pearls, (some) words have the power to humiliate and insult hundreds of thousands of people,
Not everything you say will touch the hearts of other people,
Words that truly uplift are hard to come by. |
Edited by - Blue Opal on Apr 22 2007 07:54:37 AM |
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Apr 22 2007 : 09:07:03 AM
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| Blue Opal, can you tell more about what made you think of that quote and what it means to you? |
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Blue Opal
33 Posts |
Posted - Apr 22 2007 : 09:23:23 AM
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| It just means I try not to hurt others but that's easier said than done. While it's easy to learn how to speak, it's hard to master the art of saying the right thing at just the right moment and that includes thinking the right thoughts. I talk to myself all the time and I realise that I'm sometimes my worst enemy. I might write more on this later. |
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Apr 22 2007 : 12:13:17 PM
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I agree, Blue Opal. It is very much easier said than done. I think it is important to always remember that we are practicing here and let ourselves do it over and over again without beginning to speak untruly with our inner voice.
I read somewhere that life is giving us the same lesson over and over again until we learn. I picture this as constantly ongoing lessons. Everytime someone in my presence get disturbed by something I say or do - I will have to learn something of myself from it. But here I know there might be different opinions. Some will probably say that "some people are just obnoxious or over-sensitive and whatever I do s/he gets emotional". I don't really know about that. It is perhaps true for severely mentally ill persons or persons intoxicated by substances that can be difficult to interact with. Otherwise I am inclined to believe in life presenting us lessons to learn from - we meet persons with the right "trigger capacities" that we need for the moment. Whoever we have to deal with are persons we have drawn into our lives for a purpose - we shall learn from that meeting or interaction. |
Edited by - emc on Apr 22 2007 12:15:25 PM |
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Wolfgang
Germany
470 Posts |
Posted - Apr 22 2007 : 1:06:51 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by emc
First I read Byron Katie and understood a lot about projections. When someone insults you, it is a complete misunderstanding! It is not possible to insult anyone.
Hi emc,
I would like to chime in here and share some thoughts.
I didn't read Katie, but your above sentence is not quite right for me,
or may be is not quite complete.
I am sure, there a quite a few people out in this world who
with full purpose have the intent to insult another person.
If I am a fully enlightened being, then I am probably able
to receive such an insult without any hard feelings on my side.
But, I am not fully enlightened ...
I would even say, that also a fully enlightened being does
feel the hate of another person as painful.
If another person hits you in the face, you certainly will
feel pain, and I believe, spiritual aggression can be felt the same.
So, saying that it is not possible to insult anyone is almost
like saying it is not possible to feel pain !?
Or is this a problem of words, insult <-> pain ?
If someone wants to insult you, does he want to cause pain ?
Of course I can decide how I react to the pain, how I react to the insult.
In the ideal sense, I would recognise the intended insult, but I
would not be affected by the insult.
I would be able to lovingly ask the person why he/she intended
to insult me, or ask him whether he has indeed intended to insult me,
thus clarifying whether it is only my perception
or if it is indeed an intended act of aggression.
Love and Light
Wolfgang |
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Apr 22 2007 : 1:31:01 PM
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Interesting thoughts, Wolfgang. I can understand that that sentence looks strange for someone not used to Katies twists.
The only thing that comes to my mind is this:
Would you be insulted if a five year old came angry to you after misunderstanding something you said or did and said:
- You are so stupid the clocks stop!
It is definitely intended to hurt you. It is an outburst of anger. It is due to a misunderstanding.
That is my understanding of Katies words. What is the difference between an unaware child and an unaware adult? Absolutely none in my opinion. Are we misunderstanding each other as adults? Yes. Don't we all have a veil before our eyes preventing us from seeing clearly - that we are all love, all one? That is the total misunderstanding and we want to see clearly. To start to realize that people cannot hurt with intent and be aware at the same time solves your problem. There is no true intent in that - the person really loves you (because we are all one) he/she just doesn't realize it yet due to loads of emotional wounds uncleansed. There is absolutely no reason for you to interpret it as an insult - it is an emotional outburst due to a great misunderstanding. Why should I be more upset because of the age of the person? Five or fifty. Same, same, but different.
Is that making it any more clear?
What makes it an "insult" is only your interpretation of it due to projections - what you read into it with your veil before your eyes. The veil is made of earlier experiences - the past - triggering assumptions, opinions and feelings.
According to Katie, even physical pain is perceived as "no problem" on her side. She is home in every condition. That, however, doesn't mean she doesn't avoid pain. But she is not suffering when it hits her. Pain is love. (And that I know myself due to cosmic glimpses). |
Edited by - emc on Apr 22 2007 3:04:07 PM |
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Etherfish
USA
3615 Posts |
Posted - Apr 22 2007 : 2:55:00 PM
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Wolfgang wrote:
quote:
I would be able to lovingly ask the person why he/she intended
to insult me, or ask him whether he has indeed intended to insult me,
thus clarifying whether it is only my perception
or if it is indeed an intended act of aggression.
I think this is asking for trouble, and the answer probably won't make you feel any better, but:
quote:
In the ideal sense, I would recognise the intended insult, but I
would not be affected by the insult.
this is exactly right.
the best reaction is humor. It takes some practice, but:
You can act like it hurt you but you are playing a character
You can act like it doesn't hurt at all, throw one back at them, but with a funny facial expression or something to let them know you're playing.
You can say "ouch- that hurt" and be perfectly honest, but lighthearted.
The idea is to receive what they gave you without allowing it to be evil. It doesn't matter if they meant it to hurt or not. |
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Sparkle
Ireland
1457 Posts |
Posted - Apr 22 2007 : 3:03:26 PM
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Thanks for very well written pieces Emc.
I have booked in for a Byron Katie workshop in Dublin for July and must read one of her books in the meantime - do you have a recommendation?
The non-violet communication is also of interest to me, not just for the forum but for all my relationships. I can see so many applications for me and I would also love to pass this stuff onto my kids.
The forum seems an ideal place to practice this kind of communication because, although we don't have the body language, we have time between posts to reflect on our feelings and projections. We can, if we wish, sleep on it or meditate on it and work on a non-violent response.
Louis |
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Apr 22 2007 : 3:18:58 PM
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Ether, "The idea is to receive what they gave you without allowing it to be evil. It doesn't matter if they meant it to hurt or not."
Wow, that was a beautiful way to put it!
I wonder though, can this be something you can apply "fake it until you make it" on? Even though the feelings of indignation run through you as a reflex, you can stop yourself from acting out, and take care of the emotions later. Or will that be counter productive, since feelings often are difficult to hide, creating double messages? Hm... What to you think?
Thanks for that, Sparkle. It took a few days.
I have only read two - Byron Katie's classic "Loving what is" and "I need your love - Is that true". They are great. I have also attended 3 weekend workshops doing The Work. Still would love to see Byron herself...
Your last sentence has a good point, Sparkle! And thank GOD for the EDIT BUTTON! 
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Etherfish
USA
3615 Posts |
Posted - Apr 22 2007 : 5:48:02 PM
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emc wrote:
quote:
I wonder though, can this be something you can apply "fake it until you make it" on? Even though the feelings of indignation run through you as a reflex, you can stop yourself from acting out, and take care of the emotions later. Or will that be counter productive, since feelings often are difficult to hide, creating double messages? Hm... What to you think?
Yes, I firmly believe you can "fake it until you make it" with this. I've found people react most to the message that has the most energy. So it's OK if you wince, and are quiet for a couple seconds as you feel the pain. If you follow that with an energetic response, either loud, or exaggerated facial expression, or exaggerated body language, or if you just exaggerate the amount of time spent on it by using a lot of words, any of these will make them forget the original response (at least in my culture; don't know about the rest of the world!)
PS: It's OK for them to get the original message; that they hurt you.
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Edited by - Etherfish on Apr 22 2007 5:49:17 PM |
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Anthem
1608 Posts |
Posted - Apr 22 2007 : 6:21:47 PM
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HI EMC,
Thank you for your clear and very well written posts, lot's of great wisdom and reminders!
I have definitely observed many changes in the way I communicate the further I travel along the spiritual path. I try never to speak any word that isn't true for me, I don't like the feeling when I don't. I notice my communication is derived more now from my heart than my mind and am also aware of my desire to not offend, hurt or spread any of my own emotional discontent. I don't feel it is the responsible choice to dump it on another. This becomes much easier when I understand where a person's violence (verbal or otherwise) comes from. The inner pain from which they are operating.
quote:
By this time of my development, I clearly saw the pattern of how emotions, thoughts, words, communication and the cosmic laws are bound together and interact. Now, the question was... what to do about my blind spots causing verbal violence? How can I proceed? How can I practice awareness within this field?
I love the suggestions from NVC. I do believe that our increasing awareness will fuel ever improving behaviour and interaction for each of us in our respective lives.
all the best,
A
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Apr 23 2007 : 06:12:17 AM
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Hi emc
Thank you for communicating all this!
quote:
you can stop yourself from acting out, and take care of the emotions later.
Yes. It is absolutely possible to stop myself from acting out. But by "taking care of the emotions later" I rob myself of the most effective tool for "doing this": Awareness. When I become aware of the onset of anger; it is my experience that I can watch it happen....watch it.....watch it...allow the full flow of the emotion to surge up.....and then die down. It all takes place on the inside. If I am aware, I don't act it out. If unaware; well.....we all know what happens then. But the consequenses of unawareness - if accepted and understood - can also lead to greater awareness. When I am being a total ***; it is never too late to understand (luckily).
So - I guess what I am saying is that the instant the awareness reaches a level where it is possible for me to watch instead of act, in an emotional triggered situation, this is the best way to handle it. Many benefits are possible through this:
1. Nobody gets hurt (not me either - since I don't suppress)
2. I become aware of what triggered the anger
3. The anger is seen in a bigger context - "reaction tracks" are seen
4. There is no residue - other than increased awareness
5. I learn that I am not my feelings - they happen in me
So....the way to practise awareness in any field, is to simply allow anything; and watch everything - even my own resistance can be watched. To practise awareness....is to be aware.
Of course.....the most effective tool that I know of for this.....is deep meditation.
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Apr 24 2007 : 09:45:25 AM
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Thanks Anthem and Katrine!
quote:
I have definitely observed many changes in the way I communicate the further I travel along the spiritual path. I try never to speak any word that isn't true for me, I don't like the feeling when I don't.
Yes, that is how I feel too. But I am a bit slow in my reactions still. I notice that things sometimes start to go sluggish in a situation, there is more and more resistance, more and more negativity - then I notice I am on the wrong track! But it takes a while. Sometimes it is too late to turn the situation around; then I take that experience with me, analyse it and try to fight my impulse to hit myself for doing that mistake again. Sometimes I manage to turn the situation by taking a deep breath, put a smile on my face and GIVE THE OTHER PERSON RIGHT. I start receiving instead of pushing my opinion on the other. Then it can come sunshine instantly!
Katrine, it seems you have increased your speed in this process. I'd love to be able to just watch in presence, but I am not quite there yet. It happens now and then, but not as a habit yet. Your description is so inspiring, though! And true, by meditation we increase our ability to stay present.
Talking about silence... We all love silence, don't we, but I have thought about another communication pitfall and that is "the silent treatment". Silence is a powerful tool in destructive communication. Refusing to answer, getting silent when someone enters the room, neglect of transfering information etc. It can be very threatening. If you ask a question and don't receive an answer there is pleanty of empty space for the mind to go on a race track, hunting as many explanations as possible. For neurotics like me it is for example devastating not to get a response on a post or a mail.
(Haha, Blue Opal, read your first post with the quote again and just imagine what my mind created with that one, turning it against myself! )
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Edited by - emc on Apr 25 2007 04:23:43 AM |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Apr 24 2007 : 10:23:05 AM
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Hi emc
quote:
Katrine, it seems you have increased your speed in this process
On the contrary - i have slowed down . I am less distracted than I used to be. That's all. So, if you feel the urge to compare, compare yourself with yourself. This will reveal real progress. And I am sure you are progressing just fine, emc.
I can assure you that there is still unaware acting out in my life....but somehow, even that energy can be used for greater awareness (as you point out yourself ).....once asimilated, seen and understood.
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Apr 26 2007 : 05:21:45 AM
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It would be interesting to hear if anyone else has experiences of working actively with NVC or any other sort of non-violent communication method. Perhaps we could share new ways of expression.
I had an interesting experience yesterday. My friend started to tell about a story where she had been morally ambivalent. I immediately got some ideas about it, and took a breath to start talking. Just by seeing my facial expression she stopped me angrily "Now, don't start judging and tell me things". I catched myself in the moment, turned my thoughts and said, still a bit upset over what she had told: "Is this what I hear you say: You are willing to do X and sacrifice Y but only under condition Z, even though it hurts to sacrifice Y?" She relaxed and said "YES - that is my dilemma - under what conditions more than Z would it be worth it to sacrifice Y?" She felt listened to instead of corrected and judged. The rest of the conversation became much more constructive and I felt good.
Doing a such "check" is often effective in my experience. "Now, do I get you right?" "Is this what I hear you say:...?" It reminds me of the old army trick - to let the soldiers repeat the order, so there is no doubt the order is understood. It both confirmes to the other one that you really have understood, and it confirmes that you are listened to. Very respectful. It is an attempt to put oneself in the other persons shoes. |
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - May 03 2007 : 4:52:32 PM
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I was brought to a seminar on NVC the other day. A wonderful lady spoke of the fact that when you start to question yourself and your own behaviour, and start to practice NVC, there is an intellectual state first. You try to grasp the idea and formula with your mind, and it slowly grows into your heart, because you feel the result! You FEEL the empathy that starts flowing in the conversation.
When NVC is mature, it comes from your heart and is natural. You listen and respond with empathy without feeling sorry for or want to help. When you say "I can help you" or "Do you want help?" you really put yourself in an above position and has defined that whatever the other person does it is WRONG and needs to be helped with in order to become RIGHT. That is an awkward insight, isn't it? You think you are very nice when you offer help, don't you?
When you communicate from your heart it is not only working on humans but also very clearly on animals. The lady applied NVC in her communication with her cats and I have now tried to do the same. The result is amazing. There is real communication! I can show my cats my feelings and then ask for favours and they respond accordingly! When I become violent and wanting/craving they respond with resistance. Horses as well. My wishes from the heart are responded to. Controlling them from third chakra does not work or takes a lot of energy. |
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Sparkle
Ireland
1457 Posts |
Posted - May 05 2007 : 5:05:59 PM
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Sounds cool Emc, I have some NVC books on order, can't get them in the shops in Ireland yet.
Looking forward to getting into it |
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Kirtanman
USA
1651 Posts |
Posted - May 13 2007 : 11:47:15 PM
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Hi EMC & All,
I am currently re-reading Non-Violent Communication: A Language of Life, by Marhsall Rosenberg, PhD.
It is one of the most powerful sets of teachings, as relates to consciousness, that I have ever had the pleasure of being exposed to, and that I am humbly doing my best to adopt.
One of the main reasons I experience NVC as SO powerful, is that our verbal communication tends to be such a blind spot for most of us, based on our cultural and social conditioning.
Even very "spiritual" or "yogic" people can be far more violent in their verbal communication than they realize.
And, candidly, when I was first exposed to NVC, I let my ego get in the way -- and I didn't think all that much of it (NVC, that is - apparently I thought a lot of my ego, at the time ... )
However, a couple of years back, when I was facing a tough communication situation within my family, I got some NVC "counseling" from a good friend of mine, who is an NVC facilitator, and the results were amazing.
In a nutshell: if you truly desire to connect with others in true communication, NVC provides a framework which helps this to be possible.
Often, for most of us, even that sincere desire to communicate can be clouded over by egoic agenda, semi-conscious attempts to control, blame, manipulate - or to defend, react, feel guilty, etc. as a reaction to the communication of others.
As A Course in Miracles so succinctly and eloquently states: there are only two ways of being in the world: Love, and Calling Out for Love (violence, anger, aggression, blame, defensiveness, guilt, etc. are all near-unconscious ways of calling out for love).
When we understand this, Love becomes our natural, authentic and ultimately empowered response to all situations.
And I'm not talking "hearts and flowers", second-chakra, emotion-based pseudo-love ... I'm talking LOVE ... the essential power of reality ... Satyagraha.
(If that term sounds familiar to anyone, it attained a certain degree of Sanskritical acclaim in the middle of the last century, as the name of Mahatma Gandhi's spiritual-political movement.
Gandhi described Satyagraha - "The Power of Reality", as one side of the coin.
The other side of the coin?
Ahimsa ... Non-Violence.
Incidentally, the Foreward to Non-Violent Communication: A Language of Life, was written by Arun Gandhi ... Mahatma Gandhi's grandson.
NVC is more than a helpful set of communication techniques ... it is essentially a yoga unto itself - "verbal yoga".
(I define a Yoga as any path or discipline which can take a person or group into direct realization / experience of the essential Oneness of reality.)
Can NVC really be that powerful?
I would say "yes" - but as with all things yoga - it is up to each of us to make this determination for ourselves.
To hopefully help a little, here's an "NVC in Action" excerpt from the book, as well as the main NVC website, at www.cnvc.org
The author of the following excerpt is Marshall Rosenberg, PhD (founder of NVC).
Enjoy!
Kirtanman
**
I was presenting Nonviolent Communication in a mosque at Deheisha Refugee Camp in Bethlehem to about 170 Palestinian Moslem men. Attitudes toward Americans at that time were not favorable. As I was speaking, I suddenly noticed a wave of muffled commotion fluttering through the audience. “They’re whispering that you are American!” my translator alerted me, just as a gentleman in the audience leapt to his feet. Facing me squarely, he hollered at the top of his lungs, “Murderer!” Immediately a dozen other voices joined him in chorus:“Assassin!” “Child-killer!” “Murderer!”
Fortunately, I was able to focus my attention on what the man was feeling and needing. In this case, I had some cues. On the way into the refugee camp, I had seen several empty tear gas canisters that had been shot into the camp the night before. Clearly marked on each canister were the words “Made in U.S.A.” I knew that the refugees harbored a lot of anger toward the U.S. for supplying tear gas and other weapons to Israel.
I addressed the man who had called me a murderer:
I: Are you angry because you would like my government to use its resources differently? (I didn’t know whether my guess was correct, but what is critical is my sincere effort to connect with his feeling and need.)
He: Damn right I’m angry! You think we need tear gas? We need sewers, not your tear gas! We need housing! We need to have our own country!
I: So you’re furious and would appreciate some support in improving your living conditions and gaining political independence?
He: Do you know what it’s like to live here for twenty-seven years the way I have with my family—children and all? Have you got the faintest idea what that’s been like for us?
I: Sounds like you’re feeling very desperate and you’re wondering whether I or anybody else can really understand what it’s like to be living under these conditions.
He: You want to understand? Tell me, do you have children? Do they go to school? Do they have playgrounds? My son is sick! He plays in open sewage! His classroom has no books! Have you seen a school that has no books?
I: I hear how painful it is for you to raise your children here; you’d like me to know that what you want is what all parents want for their children—a good education, opportunity to play and grow in a healthy environment . . .
He: That’s right, the basics! Human rights—isn’t that what you Americans call it? Why don’t more of you come here and see what kind of human rights you’re bringing here!
I: You’d like more Americans to be aware of the enormity of the suffering here and to look more deeply at the consequences of our political actions?
Our dialogue continued, with him expressing his pain for nearly twenty more minutes, and I listening for the feeling and need behind each statement.
I didn’t agree or disagree. I received his words, not as attacks, but as gifts from a fellow human willing to share his soul and deep vulnerabilities with me.
NOTE: Italics above mine. - Kirtanman
Once the gentleman felt understood, he was able to hear me as I explained my purpose for being at the camp. An hour later, the same man who had called me a murderer was inviting me to his home for a Ramadan dinner. |
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Kirtanman
USA
1651 Posts |
Posted - May 13 2007 : 11:56:20 PM
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Another book / system that I highly recommend, in terms of helping us to be in an authentic space of Real Love, in our communication and relationships with others, is ... Real Love, by Greg Baer, M.D.
You can learn more about Real Love at www.reallove.com
Greg is a personal acquaintance / friend of mine, and I can certainly vouch for both Greg and his material ... he's the deal deal, and Real Love is pretty much essential reading, for anyone who has ever been in a relationship*, or feels they may be, at some point in their life.
*Any relationship. With anyone. As In: if you have parents, if you have kids, if you have siblings, if you have relatives, if you have co-workers, if you speak with other humans ... reading and becoming familiar with Real Love is probably a very good idea, happiness-wise (your own, and anyone whose lives you touch).
It pretty much cuts through all the control, manipulation, blame, guilt, attempted self protection, etc. etc. etc. BS which colors nearly every human relationship in the world.
Peace & Namaste,
Kirtanman |
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Kirtanman
USA
1651 Posts |
Posted - May 14 2007 : 12:23:26 AM
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A few final thoughts for the night, on violence and communication:
"When we judge others, we contribute to violence."
--Marshall Rosenberg
"When we judge ourselves, we contribute to violence."
--Kirtanman
"Anger co-opts our energy by directing it toward punitive actions."
--Marshall Rosenberg
"Success in yoga practice essentially boils down to a single axiom: discipline precedes liberation. How much energy can you afford to waste?"
--Kirtanman
Over the course of my life, I have had the emotionally challenging yet highly educational experience of being exposed to people with addictions of all kinds; chemical, relational, sexual and so on - including some of its darker permutations (i.e. self-mutilation / cutting, a tragically prevalent addiction among young women, primarily those who have suffered sexual abuse, and other deep emotional trauma).
As you can probably imagine, most people put some or all of these behaviors, specifically the cutting, into a category of "too horrible to even think about". Because of this, the people in the lives of self-mutilators have reactions, upon learning about this behavior, on the part of a family member or friend, that are highly emotional, and/or less than fully helpful.
(I initially did, too, years ago - until the light-bulb went off for me: cutting is no different than a chemical addiction; it's just another form of addiction* - one that is even more overt, and even more socially unacceptable, than alcohol or drug addiction.)
*My hypothesis on this has since been verified by a couple of addiction psychology professionals. There are even Twelve Step groups for self-mutilators, which have started to form.
WHY AM I GOING INTO ALL THIS HERE AND NOW?
Because I realized just yesterday:
When we make a self-deprecating statement, or have a self-deprecating feeling or thought -- even just within our "own" mind -- we are behaving every bit as violently as a person who physically cuts themselves.
We are also contributing violence to the world around us.
How?
Because as yogic sadhakas, we come to learn by experience that feelings are every bit as real and interactive on the astral planes, and thoughts are every bit as real and interactive on the mental planes, as words and actions are on the physical plane.
Be gentle with yourself and everyone; you uplift all Reality when you do this.
And yes, most of us have a lifetime of conditioning to transcend in this realm.
So how do we overcome all that energy, and transmute it into a toolset for our yogic evolution?
Two things I've found exceptionally helpful:
1. Spinal Breathing
2. Silent Meditation
No kidding, in any way - of all the things I've tried, to become more consciously loving, and less violent in my thoughts, feelings and communication over the years - the two practices mentioned above are easily the equal of anything else, or any other set of information.
Did I realize this right away? Nope.
However, after +/- 18 months or so of daily AYP practice - it became wonderfully evident ... and continues to become ever more so, pretty much daily.
Kirtanman
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - May 26 2007 : 5:35:19 PM
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Thank you for wonderful posts, Kirtanman! Oh no! I made a judgement! I meant: Thank you for your posts, Kirtanman! (Oh, no - did I just hit myself for doing a judgement?)
Thank you also for the Real love recommendation. When I read on the site I remembered Byron Katies words: "People don't love you because of all your efforts to be loved. People love you in spite of all your efforts to be loved." Thinking of all our attempts to manipulate acceptance and love because we think it is conditioned is squeezing my heart. It is those manipulations that often go over to being unconsciously violent...
I agree with your great point that all those angry, judging, blaming words we give to ourselves when we critisize our actions, thoughts and feelings in our head are hurting others. I am an expert of spinning off in negative thought patterns. I cannot be loving at the same time. They exclude each other. So when I am busy judging myself I am non-loving towards others whether I want it or not. It's like forced choice in a questionnaire - you can't be "in between", it's either either. And there is not much to do when I notice I have them. I can't push them away. But by watching them, accepting them and try to understand where they come from, luckily they diminish. They are actually like trolls - when I put my light onto them they vanish. That's Tolle's approach. Just watch. Don't push. Watch.
What also strikes me when I read the example of the palestinian is that that is the typical "therapist way of communicating". It is almost a joke in my circles. But that is when it becomes a METHOD without heart connection. You can easily learn to repeat the other persons words rephrasing it like that. It may work for a while, but make it a habit without honest curiousity and a loving approach and it will become silly. I believe the INTENT of the question is crucial for success. An intent of understanding with empathy.
The more I listen to my own angry voice, my self-love increases. And with that, my self-esteem. And with that my ability to leave myself and focus on another person instead. So in order to become altruistic you first have to be very egoistic. You have to fix yourself first. We always come down to that. Still, I am obsessed with thoughts about how others should be fixed.
THANK GOD that is slowly going toward extinction. MY LIFE HAS TAKEN ANOTHER DIRECTION! Thank God for leading me on to the spiritual path. ThankGod for showing me my life is not what I thought it was! Thank God for showing me my ego is not ME! And thank GOD, for leading me to AYP and meditation!
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Edited by - emc on May 26 2007 5:40:10 PM |
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - May 27 2007 : 4:50:53 PM
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I have found a crux with NVC! Big one! Help me if you can with this.
NVC is based on
- observing
- feeling
- needing
- requesting
I may fail on every step, but my problem is definitely number two! Feeling! I have been depressed all my life, living in a state of indifference. I have been quite disconnected from my feelings and have developped a magnificent talent to process things in the head instead of in my heart or stomach. That is a classical among academics. Therapists dread academics since they just turn everything around in their minds instead of grounding it in the body and get the real insights by feeling. I have been close to alexithymia (an inability to recognize and express feelings), at least when it comes to other feelings than irritation, frustration, self-pity and anger. Getting a grip on whats beneith those feelings has been, and still is, a challenge to me.
No wonder life has guided me toward reading a book on EQ - emotional intelligence ("The art of leading yourself. Tap the power of your emotional intelligence." by Randi B Noyes) (Don't get fooled by the title - it's all about opening up to your inner voice!!! ). How can I be true toward others and communicate clearly if I am not true to myself first? In order to get true I have to get to know myself. I have to question myself what I really feel and need. I understand now that is the big job you have to do when you start practicing NVC. That forces you to look deep into your most painful emotions that you try to cover up with emotions you have quicker access to: irritation, frustration, indignation, self-pity and anger.
I guess that's why I believe working with you emotions and psyche actively is just as beneficial as doing meditation and spinal breathing. Why wait until meditation and silence fixes it all? Why not help with a little emotional self-inquiry? That's my attitude.
It helps me reading a list of possible emotions when I feel negative but have no clue what's beneith it. You may think I am a moron or something, but I am truly emotionally handicapped after all those years of dystymia (= a "mild" depression, constantly low)!!!
What do you do to find out what you really feel in the moment?
quote:
Without contact with your feelings you have no access to your emotional intelligence. Your wisdom lacks depth. It is a struggle to create close relationships and to be a good parent, leader, colleague or employee. Some choose to cut off the contact with the feelings because they got too painful at some time in life. Perhaps they learned that feelings were private and shouldn't be shown. Others seem constantly angry or openly aggressive while they within long for love, tenderness and understanding. But even if we cut off from feelings and refuse to deal with theml they will still live in our unconscious, and they affect us whether we are aware of it or not. Not having contact with your feelings is not knowing yourself. /R B Noyes
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Edited by - emc on May 27 2007 4:54:03 PM |
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Anthem
1608 Posts |
Posted - May 27 2007 : 8:39:10 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by emc
What do you do to find out what you really feel in the moment?
I listen to my heart. |
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Wolfgang
Germany
470 Posts |
Posted - May 28 2007 : 05:03:49 AM
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Hi emc,
I think and feel that I am in many points in the same boat as you.
I will give following advice to myself (and may be it applies to you as well):
don't critisize myself so much,
don't judge myself
don't try so hard to improve myself
don't try so much to be perfect
accept and love myself
trust in higher guidance
How does that sound to you ?
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Power of Words - On communication
