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Dogboy
USA
2293 Posts |
 Posted - Sep 02 2017 : 8:37:42 PM
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| Treat yourself well in this downshift time, eat right, get sleep, give away your troubles through samyama. If your kids are needy, serve them with a lovely smile. If your husband is distant, text him a love poem. If you feel down try to lighten it with breath, or turn your face to the sun and marinate in it. You have a lot of creative tools at your disposal! |
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parvati9
USA
587 Posts |
Posted - Sep 02 2017 : 10:30:35 PM
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Chard
Such sweet advice you are receiving. Probably don't need to remind you that the kind of move you recently made is extremely stressful for your entire family and will perhaps take more time to recover from than you think is required. Remember to put in the effort to stay grounded, triple grounded. If you want to oversleep, that's okay too. Do you have a creative outlet - sketching/ painting, playing a musical instrument, journaling or writing short stories, etc.? Projects for the new house? Is a winter garden feasible, what vegies grow well in your area? Now would be a great time to explore your creative talent or lack thereof. I'm an artist because it gives me joy. Find your joy. Better yet give it a chance to find you, be open to it. Fall will be here soon and what a lovely time of year. Breathe in all that beauty and respond to it as well as you can.
love
parvati |
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Charliedog
1625 Posts |
Posted - Sep 03 2017 : 03:14:05 AM
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Dear Chard,
I agree with all the loving support above.This is a time of stress and change in your life and it is normal to feel uncomfortable and lonely. You all have to settle down and that is not an overnight happening but you already know this.
Maybe keep a short daily journal to let some frustrations go and finish the page with some positives, decorate the page with some doodle or collage work, it doesn't have to be beautiful 
Sending  and strength.
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BlueRaincoat
United Kingdom
1734 Posts |
Posted - Sep 03 2017 : 05:12:36 AM
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You are on journey of self-discovery Chard. So much you are learning about yourself!
I understand it feels difficult. I'll add my good wished to those already made by the other respondents. Look after yourself and those around you. You will be so much richer for having been through this experience. |
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Blanche
USA
873 Posts |
Posted - Sep 03 2017 : 09:46:07 AM
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Hi Chard,
Thank you for sharing. Moving to a new place is challenging. It is like coming to a new bon fire. You leave the warmth and light of the old fire, where you were in the middle of the circle of friends, to go to sit by another fire. At the new place, you are at the edge, far away from the center, away from the warmth, light, and friends. The people by the fire are settled, and it takes time (six months or so) to get in the circle.
You do have the children, and they are a great way to meet new people. Maybe you could go regularly to a playground, and meet other parents with children. Public libraries and many museums have programs for children. Look in the local newspaper and online for ideas. Also, plan something for each day, take advantage of the fact that you do not have social obligations, and explore the area. It will keep the kids busy and entertained, and help to manage the loneliness of moving to a new place.
Making some long term plans may help, too, as there will be something to look forward to in the foreseeable future. Maybe I'll see you again at a retreat. Take a look at the AYP retreat at Menla Mountain Retreat next June. Menla is an amazing place, and it supports the Tibet cause. Cristi will come from UK to co-lead. We renegotiated the prices, and got a sponsor, so things are more affordable. Let me know if you have any questions.
Best wishes!
Blanche
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Chard
250 Posts |
Posted - Sep 05 2017 : 01:52:22 AM
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Thank you all! Your responses are really supportive to me right now during this time.
Sunyata, thanks for "joyous outlook" compliment. That makes me feel joyous to just hear that!
Thanks Dogboy! I've been focusing on eating well, enjoyed the sunshine and jumped in the ocean this wknd, and took your advice and sent my husband a supportive and loving poem. I just want to love myself and him throughout this regardless of the outcome.
Parvati, thank you for those special reminders...I'm going to sign up for classes at a yoga studio here tmrw, I thought I'd buy some clay and start sculpting after kids go to sleep and there's endless outdoor activities here which is great! I got a sitter today and went to energy healer today which I think was helpful too.
Charliedog, you are definitely right, it is to be expected to have these feelings during this time, I just didn't expect such an unraveling on various levels.
Thank you BlueRaincoat, I do agree that I'm sure I'll be richer (hopefully financially too! Haha!) after I come through this experience!!
Thank you Blanche, I love the analogy with the bonfire and great suggestions regarding long term plan.
I'm so grateful to the loving support of this community right now. I'm trying to reach out for all the support available to me to help myself now.
I just pray to God for clarity re my husband and guidance one day at a time and just to know I'm where I'm supposed to be for today. There are times when you just want God/Divine to whisper very clearly in your ear, "You are on the path and where you are meant to be. All is well. Trust and rest in my loving embrace." This is one of those times.
Loads of love to all tonight! Chard
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Chard
250 Posts |
Posted - Oct 12 2017 : 11:58:11 PM
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Hi All, just wanted to stay connected to this group on my transition journey here...I had a most memorable dream last night about my mom that I felt nudged to share...It was one of the most real dreams I've had and in the dream she even said that i wasn't dreaming- it was like an astral traveling experience. She was waking me up in the morning like when I was child so nurturing to me and I woke up crying when I realized it was a dream. I miss my mom so much.
When I left my parents on the east coast and moved to CA recently a part of me felt like I'm leaving them forever because the thought occurred to me that they will grow older and probably eventually pass away without me living near them and I feel so enormously sad to know that's that's a likely reality.
I've been really honoring my grief and loneliness that comes in waves and just being w it and at the same time there's been moments of joy too. So much of my spiritual journey is about me growing more and more inwardly solid and deepening that self love and seeing how humanly fragile I still am all the while. It helps to share this
I really appreciate hearing your support. It really makes a difference for me at this time.
Thank u all!! Blessings, Chard |
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Charliedog
1625 Posts |
Posted - Oct 13 2017 : 04:10:14 AM
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Love & Light to you dear Chard
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Chard
250 Posts |
Posted - Nov 05 2017 : 02:18:24 AM
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Thank u CharlieDog!
It continues to be helpful to reach out for support during this big move. Long story short, the transition has been a bit of a drawn out process in terms of physically settling into our new home which has felt unsettling.
With my husband traveling back and forth I was pretty much a single mom for 2 months. I have a new respect for single parents - I’ll say it’s lonely and bitter hard w 2 young often rowdy young boys... and there’s a noticeable shift in the kids’ behavior w 2 parents versus one.
I continue to feel unsettled though in my marriage internally (my true heart’s just not in it and I cannot will it to be) and yet I feel a solidity within our family unit and the boys do too when he’s co-parenting w me and at home.
Among many awakenings this year, one of which has been this more outward yearning to do my spiritual work as opposed to feeling very inward and maternal w little babies. It’s like I’ve transitioned to a new stage in my life. I yearn to serve in my professional work and it brings me great joy and purpose and my soul says “aghh”. My husband is on a totally different plane and cannot appreciate “all that spiritual stuff.” Perhaps if I were really spiritually advanced it wouldn’t matter who I were married to because I could just be in my bliss regardless - but to what degree do we remain in a marriage just merely making it an opportunity to serve, especially when children are involved? At what cost? My husband is an amazing wonderful man who I love deeply (who I’d always choose over single parenting) but my heart is elsewhere. I’ve shared about most of this before so it’s no surprise but I’d love to hear responses at this point.
I feel safe enough to be totally honest and transparent here regardless of the audience. Love to hear your responses.
Much love, Chard
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Dogboy
USA
2293 Posts |
Posted - Nov 05 2017 : 08:59:37 AM
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| You have endured a lot of changes these past few months and are still adjusting to your new home. You love your husband but are not in love with him. Perhaps that is enough for now, for you have much on your plate and a lot of unsettled feelings inside and out. As long as respect and safety is present in your marriage, you both have time to figure this out. |
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sunyata
USA
1513 Posts |
Posted - Nov 08 2017 : 09:39:41 AM
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Perhaps bliss is in also accepting our heart breaks. I know easier said than done.
As the saying goes “Inch by inch, life’s a cinch. Yard by yard, life’s hard.”
Much Love |
Edited by - sunyata on Nov 08 2017 11:09:07 AM |
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Chard
250 Posts |
Posted - Nov 10 2017 : 01:41:53 AM
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Dog boy, I really appreciate your words...I could feel the divine wisdom flow through your words. Thank you. It is true- there’s a lot on my plate in just getting settled here on the outside. All I can really handle right now anyway is just focusing on organizing and setting up our home here. I’m utterly grateful too that I married a home designer who can look at a room and know exactly how to design and decorate it and bring beauty where it does not exist. So right now I’m just enjoyed witnessing him and assisting him in this process and anchoring our family here more and more- so it’s just trusting that that’s where I need to be now and also continuing to focus on my service work and God will guide me to the next right action in my life. I don’t need to know how the future of my life will play out but I’m often impatient.
Sunyata, thank you so much for your words of wisdom...yes, it’s all about acceptance of every bit of how my life is today...the heartbreak, the deep peace, the pain, the confusion, the shame, the disorientation in a new place, the loneliness, the laughter, the passion, the divine love, the selfish love, the anger, the serenity, the humility, the courage, the nostalgia, the aloneness, the yearning, the joy, the trust, the clenching, and the increasing love for myself in the midst of what I’ve been living.
All the while just accepting that this is the “what is” of my life right now- so be it.
I can sit with it all. I will sit with it all.
I humbly thank u Sunyata and Dogboy. Love always all! C |
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Chard
250 Posts |
Posted - Jun 11 2019 : 01:13:32 AM
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Hi All, it’s been awhile since I’ve updated this thread and what I love about the forum is that I have these archived entries where I can see my own spiritual growth and changes throughout the years and it’s been always been a way for me to feel connected to my soul with only one person out there knowing my identity.
In terms of my marriage...It’s becoming less about am I going to “save” this marriage or “break” this marriage (words that society uses to talk about marriage) and more about how can we as a family harmoniously restructure our family in a way that serves me, my husband and our children. I’ve been so afraid of change- but everything is always changing all the time. I’ve realized that I can never get a “divorce” or have a “broken home” or “separate” from a man I’ve loved for nearly 25 years who I call my soulmate. Those words do not serve me or resonate. However, the structure of marriage with my husband is no longer serving me, or him. It’s like a pair of pants that I tell myself and society tells me that should fit, but they don’t. I can, however, move in the direction of conscious uncoupling and harmoniously co-parenting. I’m committed to harmony, and harmony in our family unit... looking like my husband (or “was-band!”) living in different homes and us functioning more like friends and slowly unraveling the delicate label of marriage. I realize I need to create a new template for our family around this uncoupling process. Divorce has so many negative associations. I told my husband I am devoted to him and he is my family, and yet I said I can no longer have sex with him or wish to remain married to him, or share my body and life with him in the same way. It’s a betrayal to my heart and soul to share my body with someone with whom my soul is not connected. I may be celibate for the rest of my life but I cannot be untrue to soul anymore. It’s not about anyone else, it’s about me and my integrity with my soul. I’ve had more peace in my heart now that we haven’t slept together in the same room or had sex for maybe 6 wks. Yet, I feel this may not be an easy road at all for me. I’ve had to consider that I may never have sex again because im not after casual sex. I’m going to have to face my loneliness on a lot of levels. I’ve had frequent sex with the same one person for 23 years. Some couples stop having sex after kids but we’ve always had been a healthy sex life.
So there are losses and change that I’m acknowledging that that I feel. My husband is looking for an apartment. It’s been an emotional roller coaster but I feel good though that we’ve been supportive and even telling the kids that we are as a family going to have two homes. I believe harmony is possible here. I only want to create good karma with my husband. I also am really using this time to dedicate to healing from this relationship and looking at my side of the street. Anything can become a spiritual practice depending on intention including this uncoupling process. To the outside world, what I’m doing may seem ridiculous but my soul is just telling me to trust and I’m on the right path.
I’m getting support in my life- doing my meditation practice, seeing a good therapist and attending my recovery meetings and doing good self care. I do ask for extra prayers and supportive words right now. Love, Chard |
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Charliedog
1625 Posts |
Posted - Jun 11 2019 : 03:50:42 AM
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We have to walk this path alone Chard. Only we can find out what is best for us and all involved, by taking steps, one by one, like you do. Not easy, it takes courage.
Love and Light to you and your family. |
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sunyata
USA
1513 Posts |
Posted - Jun 11 2019 : 07:27:39 AM
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You're a strong woman, Chard! Thank you for your authentic sharing. Our heart and gut always knows the best. You and your family will be in my Samyama.
Much Love and Hugs. |
Edited by - sunyata on Jun 11 2019 07:27:59 AM |
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Chard
250 Posts |
Posted - Jun 15 2019 : 12:18:24 AM
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Than you CD and Suntaya, your words feel comforting right now. I want to face these rainbow of emotions with integrity. I know how easy it is to want to shy away from difficult emotions. But I know the only way is taking one day at a time and just allowing myself the grace to be exactly where I’m at in every moment. For I know that anything left unresolved in this relationship shall carry through for me in any future relationship that God wills for me.
I heard the saying today “why cut something that can be untied.” I shall do my part to gently untie this relationship and I’m even creating the intention with my husband of experiencing an even more fulfilling or close relationship as friends. I believe that’s possible. Yet I don’t doubt I will feel anything less than a downpour of grief.
This feels so hard...and to have the two children we are mutually caring for. I mean how can you separate from the father of your children. You can’t because you are always connected like you are hopping through life in a potato sack together! If we don’t cooperate together we trip and fall down. Oy vey! Thank you to this community for a safe place to share authentically always when I need it. Appreciate the supportive feedback. Thank you! love, C |
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Blanche
USA
873 Posts |
Posted - Jun 15 2019 : 06:26:22 AM
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Hi Chad,
Wishing you strength and wisdom in this challenging time. Of course, everything we do is for the love of the Higher Self, the Divine, the Absolute, the Great Mystery. We love our children because of That, we love our friends because of That, all we love is for the love of That. We fall in love because some people have the window of their soul open for us to That. We might think we are in love with a person, but we have just caught a glimpse or a good view of That when we looked in someone's eyes. And That is in everyone, It is in you, and It falls in love with Itself over and over again. |
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sunyata
USA
1513 Posts |
Posted - Jun 15 2019 : 09:03:36 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Chard
Than you CD and Suntaya, your words feel comforting right now. I want to face these rainbow of emotions with integrity. I know how easy it is to want to shy away from difficult emotions. But I know the only way is taking one day at a time and just allowing myself the grace to be exactly where I’m at in every moment. For I know that anything left unresolved in this relationship shall carry through for me in any future relationship that God wills for me.
Beautiful.
As they say, this journey is very personal. Listen to the Stillness and that will guide you.
In honoring our humanness,our divinity is enlivened even more. As Yogani says being divine human.
We are always here for you. Much Love & Hugs. |
Edited by - sunyata on Jun 15 2019 09:08:35 AM |
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Dogboy
USA
2293 Posts |
Posted - Jun 16 2019 : 10:50:12 AM
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Chard
250 Posts |
Posted - Jun 18 2019 : 10:44:54 PM
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| Thank you dear friends...I appreciate all your responses!C |
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lalow33
USA
966 Posts |
Posted - Jun 19 2019 : 8:03:53 PM
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Hey Chard,
I'm going through a divorce, currently. I feel ya. If ya ever need to talk, let me know. |
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Chard
250 Posts |
Posted - Oct 03 2019 : 01:52:06 AM
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Hi All, I wanted to check back in...so needless to say my husband decided he wants to remain in the home and not be the one to move out. It’s interesting cause I had an energy healing session a few months ago and the healer said that she could see that I would be the one to move out. I disagreed fervently at the time. Now I’m ok with it...and somehow I’m ok with leaving the home as it is apart from my clothes and a few sentimental items. I truly love my home and yet I’m ready for a fresh start. And so I’ve been looking for homes nearby and although it feels very scary on so many levels, at the same time it feels authentic. I feel good about how he and I are walking through this process and everyday I feel it is an opportunity to practice kindness and generosity in a challenging process. Harmonious uncoupling is truly is a spiritual practice. Everyday living in a home with a man where there’s no workability and with whom I’m uncoupling has been challenging daily. There are so many ups and downs- grief, adjustment, layers of changes that are pending. The impulse is to recoil and want to gear up for battle and yet what an opportunity it is to practice kindness and generosity in new ways each day. I’m learning and growing so much. I feel like I’m pioneering a new way to go through this process. I’m watching myself in the stages of grief and it’s kind of like birth. Just feeling cocoonlike and quiet and feeling the contractions that come in waves and then the pushing stage (action stage). I feel like I’m entering the action stage. I looked at an apartment today that my kids and I like...we’ll see...but I’m ready to take action. I cannot see what is a head of me. But I just know that where I am needs to shift. The kids are doing alright...they understand that mama and dada love each other deeply but that we are growing and changing in different ways and need more space to grow in ways that are important to us. I haven’t really used the word divorce at all, cause it feels like a different process. We still enjoy family time together but in a new way. (I’ve completed shed all physical attraction to him). Kids get these things better than adults. Kids are naturally in a state of harmony and don’t have the distinction of separation. They know deep down everything is ok. It’s all going to be ok, I know it. I’m actually writing another children’s book on the idea of harmonious uncoupling to support children. I even decided to leave my agency work at the end of the month (which has been heavy and draining work and I’m just ready to shed it) to solely do my private practice work. I know good things are coming. I trust. And yet I’m on the cusp of taking these huge leaps of faith and taking actions without seeing the whole picture. I’m really more and more honoring my soul and acting from that place.
Thanks for listening...this has been a great place for me to spontaneously share and hear my words echoed back to me. Love to hear words of encouragement and support. Love always, C |
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Dogboy
USA
2293 Posts |
Posted - Oct 03 2019 : 07:32:16 AM
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quote:
I know good things are coming. I trust.
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Charliedog
1625 Posts |
Posted - Oct 03 2019 : 08:28:25 AM
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Chard
250 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2020 : 02:08:55 AM
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Hi All, it’s been a while since I’ve posted but I’d like to share updates as this community has been so helpful to me especially the past few years through the marriage ending process for me...
So I moved to my own condo in mid Dec and I feel like the separation/moving out process has been a spiritual practice in its own right. I feel like I left well though...and I know that when relationships don’t end well they don’t really end. So I made it a point of treating the previous home like a temple and spent days and weeks deep cleaning and repairing household things and beautifying it. It was a beautiful process of two people who are evolving into family partners and out of a romantic coupleship. We cried, even with the kids. We let them be witness to it all, to real life. Two people who’ve loved each other for nearly 25 years evolving and allowing each other space to grow in separate ways. We told the kids the truth...we are still a family unit but that we are very different people giving each other space to grow and do more of the things we value. It’s interesting ...kids get it much easier than adults. The kids have adjusted seemlessly as well! I keep asking my 10 yr old how are your feeling about the two homes (we call them the peanut butter and the jelly home so they feel that we are connected) and my he’s said “mama, you don’t need to keep asking me how I’m feeling! I’m just doing great- no other feelings!!” Lol! We had probably the most peaceful Christmas I can remember with a lot of family time with my (ex)husband and my family and his family and have been still doing some family time together during the week which the kids really appreciate. While at the same time that’s the overall picture sounds like a dream situation and in many ways it has been...it’s been VERY painful too and stressful too. I chose to leave the previous home intact rather than splitting up the house items and although my husband got the better end of the deal it was a conscious choice - I just wanted to leave with full generosity (plus I thought it would be best for the kids) and trust that God would take care of me and help me to create my new life... and that’s what’s happening! Somehow my condo is being furnished despite my leaving my steady income at my agency to build my vision just two months ago. People have swooped down to help...a friend gifted me $2000 randomly, recovery friends have some done free handyman work...and I’ve been become best friends with Home Depot and power tools! I still feel buried in the transition process but overall I know I’m honoring my heart and soul and there feels like an inner spaciousness as I’ve been shedding an unworkable relationship that I’ve held onto for years. I cannot believe all the growth and shedding shedding shedding...
I’m grateful to be able to dip my head back into this cherished community of fellow spiritual travelers. Thank you for your support and love always!C |
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marriage and moving
