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EllieMarie
Canada
1 Posts |
 Posted - Oct 05 2015 : 7:19:39 PM
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I’m hoping to talk to someone about what I believe to of been a Kundalini awakening, I’ve had a couple experiences actually.
About a year and a half ago, I experienced serious burnout during school. I was depressed, stressed, had an unhealthy diet, drank heavily, smoked heavily, and took Adderall because I believed I had ADD.
I decided to quit drinking and taking Adderall, I was starting to find it difficult to breathe, I felt pressure on my heart, my mind was either racing or felt like it was in a fog. I was losing my memory. I started to feel paranoid, felt like I was losing my sense of self. And I know of several other classmates who were experiencing the same thing, so if anything, being around each other constantly, just made it worse.
But one weekend I decided to take time aside for myself, just to think things through. When a really strange thing happened where I thought I was going crazy and I constantly had to calm myself down trying to make sense of what was happening to myself, it’s like I had to go back to my childhood to where I was then to remind myself who I was in that moment.
I realized that I didn’t know how to grieve my mother’s death... but I felt in that moment that I finally understood her, I also came to the realization that I loved myself completely no matter what I’ve been through in life. I then felt this huge surge of energy starting from my bottom go up towards the top of my head, my eye’s shot up and I started to see a whole bunch of memories from my childhood come back to me, and I felt this amazing warmth spread throughout my body. And then my eye’s shot into a different direction and I saw myself at different stages of my life in the future, which filled me with the most immense amount of love I’ve ever felt.
And from then on I was practically in a blissed out state for about two weeks, my mind went clear and I felt like I was able to make sense of every single thing that’s ever happened to me in my life.
One concerning memory I recovered was when I was about 7 years old and had a near-death experience by drowning in a pool. Which I never went to doctor about because the owner of the house cornered me and told me not to tell anyone.
I didn’t go to the doctor’s because I don’t think I would have been able to explain what was happening to me at the time, it kind of felt like I didn’t have to at the time.
Before this all happened I always found it difficult to speak to people in person growing up, I had a stutter, and it was hard for me to find the words to express myself, and looking people in the eye’s was also pretty difficult.
But my eye’s also changed color to a more vivid green, and I began to notice the reflection of light on them whenever I looked in the mirror, where as before they were completely dull looking.
During those two weeks, I had another strange experience where it felt like my heart was beating out of chest, and felt a little shock in my ears through my headphones. It then seemed like my voice inside my head started to die down, to the point where I don’t hear it anymore.
I was pretty content for a while afterwards. I’ve always been spiritually inclined, but wasn’t something I took seriously, so afterwards I was constantly researching about what I had experienced.
I started to volunteer at this holistic healthcare center, and was even in talks with them to make a documentary. Until a man who claims to be a psychic and does regression therapy indirectly suggested to me that I was sexually abused as a young kid.
It took me off guard because a year earlier I had a memory of another time in a pool being harassed by some older kids. But pushed it aside because I was too focused on the good memories.
I had no memories whatsoever of being abused, but somehow knew that it could have been a huge possibility. Because I’ve always been scared to be intimate with other people, and I was never comfortable expressing my feelings to other people.
This happened this past August, and so again, I pushed everything aside and started to meditate, where it then felt like I was self-hypnotizing myself. But it kind of felt like I was getting lost in myself, and because I couldn’t hear my voice inside my head, it felt like I was using imagery and my feelings to try and recover memories.
Where I then had memories come back to me when I was 5 years old, where I could have been drugged and sexually abused, and around 8 years old, where I’m not entirely sure that I was sexually abused because in the memory I freaked out when I figured out that they were going to harm me, where I was then choked until I passed out. And I know they were real because beforehand I thought practically everyone I knew had abused me because I was getting lost in my imagination, but the memories somehow didn’t feel real, but it’s what helped me dig deeper in my mind. But it’s also like my mind would focus on parts of my body, like where I was choked, I was then convinced that they might of beat me up more severely after I passed out, because I was brought to a memory of a time where I woke up in the back alley of my house, where I had no memory of how I got there, but I felt really sore.
I then thought that I was starting to go a little crazy, I wasn’t eating, only drank water, took about 2 bath’s a day because I felt disgusting, and I could barely sleep. I felt a faint voice come back to me, which kept repeating “trust the process”, “love yourself completely”, “your not alone in this universe”, and that I’m letting go of sexual abuse trauma, and I think I went a little delusional because it was delayed from my thinking, so it felt like something outside of myself. By the end I figured It could of been my subconscious taking a hold of me and making me let go of practically every traumatic thing that’s ever happened to me.
I then felt strange things happening to my body, as I was remembering every trauma, it was as if my body was trying to reconnect with my mind. So after a while I started to feel like meditating or doing yoga positions for a whole day was what I had to do.
Another thing throughout the whole process was that I had to imagine who I was going to marry in the future. As if I had to constantly remind myself that my future will be hopeful for love. I was caught between a man and woman, (I’ve always had troubles with my sexuality as well) And I had to imagine myself being with both of them in the future…There is a whole other backstory behind both of them that I think will be even more complicated to describe, as I’m still trying to make sense of it still…I couldn’t bring myself to believe that I’ll ever be with them, so it’s like I had to let go of any emotional attachments I had towards them, so I can move on.
Then the faint voice started to fade as I was starting to feel better everyday, then it completely went away as I started to write about my life everyday.
But there’s still moment’s when I sit still and close my eyes, I’ll feel little pulses go up my back, my head will start making certain movements as if I’m cracking my neck. Before I used to have severe pain in my lower back and neck, now it’s completely gone.
If you’ve read this far, thank you!
I’m going to see my Doctor soon, as content as I feel after letting go of some severe fears and traumas, I still feel like it’s something I should bring up with them.
But I also just feel like I need to talk to someone more spiritually inclined about my experience, it’s been life changing, and it’s been pretty hard to find someone knowledgable to talk too.
Thanks so much,
and I hope to talk to someone soon!
Liz |
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Charliedog
1625 Posts |
Posted - Oct 06 2015 : 06:14:45 AM
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Hi EllieMarie,
Welcome to these AYP forums. You have come to the right place to ask questions here. Thank you for sharing your story.....
Reading your post, brought me back in time and back to my own first experiences with kundalini. It is indeed life changing.
Ten years after, I can say that yoga and writing helped me the most to become stable again. I see the beauty of awakening, but I remember also the complete chaos inside me. The incredible love felt for everyone and at the same time the not understanding of all that bliss. The physical pains etc.
It was not easy to talk about it, because first I did not understand it myself. That is why I started writing.
My life changed completely after, but it took time, time to learn to know myself, who was I without all masks I kept up to please everyone around me?
Edit:
It is important to have structure in your life, a steady yoga practice, but very important at this moment is to take care that you have enough rest and balance in your life.
Reading the lessons of Yogani gives you more insight in what is happening.
I hope you will find someone who can help you with your trauma's.
Love,
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Edited by - Charliedog on Oct 06 2015 07:14:04 AM |
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jusmail
India
491 Posts |
Posted - Oct 06 2015 : 09:17:08 AM
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Welcome to the forum.
Continue your practices and seek counseling if need be.
God bless |
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
Posted - Oct 06 2015 : 10:39:22 AM
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Hi Ellie,
I went through a similar experience after going through a divorce and quitting drugs and alcohol. At the time, I was also seeing a therapist, and some childhood abuse came up. You can read my recovery story here: http://ayprecovery.org/home/real-st...codys-story/
In AYP, there isn't a recommendation to indulge in things like past-life regression, because that can get confusing, as you've already experienced. If there is trauma from the past that needs to surface, it will come up during practices like Deep Meditation, without any forceful effort to dredge it up. In AYP, we put a very serious emphasis on using great care and ease when exploring our inner world. It's called self-pacing, and we gradually purify and open the channels of our nervous system to pure bliss consciousness (inner silence, followed by ecstasy, resulting in a merging of the two).
You write very well, and your description of your inner world is very clear and discerning. I would advise looking into Deep Meditation, which will cultivate a great foundation of inner peace, which will also establish a safe ground to withstand the flowing energy of kundalini. Also, grounding is important...staying active with exercise and being in touch with Mother Nature.
You're on the right track, and the best is yet to come. Follow your heart, and you cannot fail. 
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kumar ul islam
United Kingdom
791 Posts |
Posted - Oct 06 2015 : 1:43:13 PM
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| i feel your pain and my love goes out to you liz blessings |
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sunyata
USA
1513 Posts |
Posted - Oct 06 2015 : 7:28:35 PM
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Hi Liz,
Thank you for sharing your story. I went through something similar five years ago. It is a blessing. Life will get lighter and easier. It's like being born again in this one lifetime. AYP is a great practice that will take you further.
Sunyata |
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Dogboy
USA
2294 Posts |
Posted - Oct 06 2015 : 9:11:06 PM
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Hi Liz, welcome!
As far as the doctor's visit, you may consider a full check-up, and also not revealing too much detail about your experiences, unless you are concerned about psychiatric needs. Spiritual symptoms can often be misconstrued as psychosis. How well do you trust your doctor? Lucky me, my primary is a meditator  . |
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Kundalini Experiences
