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Anima
484 Posts |
 Posted - May 08 2014 : 3:31:29 PM
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Hi everyone,
Context:
[I wrote this last night. It's a bit dramatic. I felt very guilty after writing it. I want to emphasize that I deeply appreciate lessons 201, 202, 203 , AYP, my friends, and Yogani Ji.  I read lessons 202 and 203 this afternoon, and they seem to answer this maelstrom of rebellion, somehow. The lessons and consistent practice twice a day (at least that's the goal) are really helping. I'm doing 22 breaths of spinal breathing, pre-counted on a rosary (I move a new bead to my fingers every exhalation). 3-5 minutes of deep meditation, and then samyama, using AYP sutras and whatever comes up (I do not measure), followed by 10-25 minutes of lying down rest. I often experienced amrita in my late teens and early 20s, but never understood it. Then I had a (spontaneous) crown opening-splosion in December of 2012.]
Dear Lesson 201,
As memorialized in time immemorial, the moment of realization, breaking from the dreams of our own godliness, comes that brief instant of belief within the cycles of incredulity, where we are brought to utter,
“Oh…”
[From Lesson 201]
My growth and experiences were so rapid that it caused some problems because I soon advanced past whoever was teaching me .....and sadly sometimes there was jealousy and disbelief, causing me to leave and most of the time feeling isolated and alone.......unaccepted. I reached levels within a couple of months that they had taken years to achieve and they just couldn't accept that it was so 'easy' for me. It was a very hard time for me and also very confusing as I needed support to help me through what I didn't understand. I didn't ask for what was happening to me, I felt unfairly judged at times...and also adrift and lost with what was happening.
As in every sentence and waking thought?
“I can really relate to this. Thank God.”
Oh, no you don’t.
My greatness is made small, but in a fashion I can analytically dissect, statement by statement, even petty counterexamples cast aside, in my desire to trivialize the assessment of the experience, so lucidly shared and echoed, by chaotically and recklessly deconstructing its internal consistency, eroding the purported foundations of its precepts, and assailing it with grandiose delusion. Every silver sliver of incisive insight insinuates my immanent invincibility.
Another true story, factually refracted prima facie: I surrendered my vanity freely to eternity, mythically but in mimetic chicanery; yet seeing only ether in confusing misery. But misery loves company. Thus, even it yearns to be whole. And so I found dear 201, shortly after putting in my request to the samyama list.
What is it, 201? Might I actually be brought from the dark into this light, and where does it lead, if not back to dark, when dark and light are still, together? Where, then, is the hurry, or need of purport? Every corner of the cosmic labyrinth is only as angular as its circumference; every stop and end as open as any passage. Must he break every betrayer, he whose tears are borne only by the rains of heaven and the rivers of earth?
[From Lesson 201]
None of this is to say that visions or revelations are bad. Indeed, we should enjoy the scenery as we travel along the road to enlightenment. But if the scenery becomes the path, with our sense of self wrapped up in it, then we will be heading off course. With extreme premature crown awakenings the risk of this is greater than average. Extreme awakenings are sometimes ecstatic, often hellish, and always seductive. Right practices can gradually put an end to the flights of fancy we might be drawn into, and bring us into the peace and joy of the divine reality within us. Then we will see our visions from a different perspective. They might even go away -- replaced by an abiding sense of peace and happiness that does not constantly fling us from pillar to post.
I am mad in the fray, avenging my past karmas in vindictive and vicarious catharsis! Tempus fugit, fancy or not, and with surrender comes a declaration—that it be! Should I not surrender my “shoulds,” right what is wrong, lament my lack of wisdom, alter course of self and other in the universe, despise what is painful, or silence flight with concession of mediocrity? Shall I eat worms with the dead forever?
Repetition, I reject you, banal structure! Crash upon Her shores and be broken. As every constriction that would squeeze me to depleted exhaustion, I deny you…as every One in myself, I despise you! How dare I dare, or will that I will? Let Her teach me, petulant orphan, who cannot be. Why else would she have left me, except that I hate myself?
Toxin, I deserve every smoky inhalation of your hallucinogen. Suffocate me if you will.
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
Posted - May 12 2014 : 11:15:20 PM
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Bravo, Anima. Smooth sailing is the name of the game. Enjoying the NOW right with you, mate...  |
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Anima
484 Posts |
Posted - May 13 2014 : 07:23:09 AM
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Thank you so much, my friend.
I was entangled in emotional drama last night as I read your reply. I must remember that my friends are with me, and I with they. We are all together, within. But some hugs, love and light will smooth the way.
[Insert sun beams here]
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Smoke Me Out (201)
