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Lesson 203 -
Reflections on Some Dramatic Experiences (Audio)
Date: Tue Jun 1, 2004 8:27pm
New Visitors: It is recommended you read from the beginning of the archive, as previous
lessons are prerequisite to this one. The first lesson is, "Why
Q: I am going to an ashram in India for almost a month. My guru will be
there, the one who I truly resonate with.
I want to talk to you about some things that have been going on. I am
grateful to have someone who will respond with something other than a hearty
laugh at my "goings on." (My guru always just smiles or laughs.) He told me
less than a year ago that I was resisting. I do not wish to resist Truth.
Why live in ignorance? But still, I must have some resistance.
I have had all sorts of crazy things happening. I'm the one who'd written
you a while back about always having the kundalini - even as a little child
- seeing the lights, feeling the buzz, hearing the hums, etc. etc. But
what's going on now is even more. I need to tell someone who does not know
me or anyone around me this. A lot of it is stuff I've already experienced,
but some of it is new. I'll list it:
Seeing flashes of light of all colors now and then - especially around
animals and people and some trees.
Feeling energy coursing through my body - highly erotic, but not sexual (not
Stiffness and pain around the bottom, back of skull and into back of neck
and jaw. Lots of popping going on along the spine there - especially during
the spinal breathing you gave me (which I incorporated into my yoga
My right hand has been doing a lot of sporadic shaking and if I get any
extra energy surges, I start squeezing it and then releasing it by flexing
it backwards quickly - as if the energy were just pouring out of it. A lot
of vibrating in the hands and feet.
A general feeling of excitement.
Sobs come when I think on my gurus' compassion. People keep telling me what
you have told me, that the guru is within... that brings me to the next
thing - I hear my gurus in my head. Yes, I know it sounds crazy, but they
tell me the answers when I need one. I could actually go to them with all of
this - but I want external validation.
If I need an answer, I open up Beyond Words, and it speaks of exactly what I
need to hear - in the precise words.
My guru's picture seems to move and the expressions actually change while I
am looking at it, communicating with him.
I can tell what people are feeling - and seem to know before them why they
are feeling this way.
If someone asks me a question on spirituality, I can move aside and someone
else seems to answer through me.
At certain times, it's like I'm detached, like a balloon, floating in the
air, watching myself down below. During these times, if I look at the
ground, it seems so far down there...but there is a general unconcern during
these times about most things.
Things are seeming to manifest - without any stated intention on my part. I
only have to sort of unconsciously think it, and it happens.
I am meeting people on the "path" a lot now.
I am still having fits where I shake - especially if I go inside to certain
places where I feel a lot of intensity.
I started having those things again where energy explodes through my system
(that I've had my whole life off and on) where it shoots out everywhere, but
my solar plexus is disturbed and I feel like I have to swallow a lot, and I
also feel like I need to use the bathroom (and often have to find a restroom
very soon afterwards). I am then tired and have a hard time communicating
anything - sort of in a daze.
When I'm talking to people that I feel free with (at my church or in my yoga
group), I've found that my body starts doing things to express its bliss. It
will start waving its arms in the air in a dance, or doing tree posture, or
When I meditated with a man from our church - doing a tantric meditation - I
started a lot of the shaking - energy going up the spine and out the top or
around the mouth or third eye.
If I ever just lie there, still, my awareness of the energy increases
heavily. During meditation, I feel surges coming, Grace from above,
descending down, down, down, through me. (Thank you God and Guru!)
Third eye is doing a lot of whirring about.
Often, lately, in the car, I will begin feeling my Guru(s), or having a
conversation with them, and this inwardly exciting thing starts happening,
and I feel I have to scream! So I scream a scream that is penetrating and
shrill and sort of blissful. My right hand starts doing its thing and/or my
spine starts lurching about - but I'm perfectly OK and still in control of
At times, I will move my hand in a certain fashion, or flip my hair, and I
feel as if I AM my guru. Yes, strange, I know. Is this something to do with
merging? It's literally as if I can't tell the difference between him and me
for that short instance. It's nothing I'm thinking about, really, it's more
like for a flash, I feel no difference between us.
I'm feeling like I need to meditate with others a lot lately.
During my meditations, I used to be able to go into them without even
remembering anything. Now, though, I have jerks in my body often.I have had
two dreams/visions, where I am not at all afraid of death. One, while
standing on a plastic tarp in the middle of the ocean as large waves rolled
around. The other, a man was burying my orange dress. The dress stood for
spirituality and seemed to be synonymous with my skin. I did not feel
anything as I watched him covering it with dirt. I am willing to drop every
concept I have had of "spirituality" and begin anew.
I seem to have picked up a hoard of spirit guides or teachers on the astral
plane. I don't even know how I am aware of this.
I have recently spoken with an "Indigo." I could feel him very strongly over
the phone, although I've never met him. Beautiful.
Picking up vibes of lower entities and also seeing one in my classroom door.
He lurks about there often as a dark silhouette - opening my cabinet door,
etc. to get my (and my students') attention.
Longing is intense. I feel this "place" which I've known before, but cannot
seem to find and hold. It visits like a flash and then is gone. My guru told
me, "You have not done this before."
Anyway, I'll be seeing my guru coming up, but I am unsure if I should tell
him about these things and talk with him about them. I don't know what will
happen next. Never do. I don't care. I am here for it to happen. If it is
unnecessary emotion and commotion which helps nothing other than convincing
me, then I want to fast forward to the part where I no longer need these
things to be convinced. As Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee says of the 2 yr. old
girl's prayer, "God, I know." and God said, "Yes, and I know." My guru
knows. But I could use some sort of explanation, still. Do you have one for
me? Or is it all part of the mystery and will be spoiled by another telling
me? Or will I not understand anyway?
Should I be doing meditations? I've met a new man who I want to do
meditations with. He goes to my church. Also, should I do reiki swap outs?
Or is this not good for me at this time?
I was speaking with someone who I know has been working on himself for a
long time. He is one of the very few I confide in, and actually I'd not told
anyone this outright, but I was telling him that I could communicate with my
teachers in my head and that one of them comforts me and another is more of
a motivator, but that the essential core of them felt the same. (It gets
confusing. Are they me?) And he said he does not have this. I doubted for a
second my experience when he said it because of him and you - always telling
me the guru is within. I don't know who I am anymore - I seem to be
expanding into something else. Maybe my guru and others are within as
aspects of my inner guru...
Maybe it's the pranayams, meditation, and asanas that are speeding things
up. I still don't feel as if I've reached where I once "was."
Despite all of this, my life is pretty balanced/ordinary. I'm still teaching
and planning to make more trips to India. (I'm testing the waters on this
trip. If it feels right, I'll come back for a while, and then move to India
for two years (as my guru has suggested.) On the other hand, I'm having to
do extra alternate nostril breathing for inner balance. Family still doesn't
like my yogic stuff, but church and yogic family does. Still have some time
for my dog and 3 cats.
I also make time to read your Advanced Yoga Practices often. Still not
anywhere near finished with them...
Sorry such a long letter! I had a lot going on and I needed to release it!
We are all so blessed to have someone to respond to us and give us the
attention you have given us. I hope you are taking care of your physical
body and not overly exerting yourself.
A: It's good to hear from you again.
Much of what you are experiencing falls under the category of purification
in the nervous system. As such, it is a mixture of truth and the karmic
"exhaust" of obstructions being dissolved and burned up. That is perhaps why
your guru is not responding on the details. It is impossible to do so and
make sense of everything that is happening. Nor will it matter for the
karmic combustion parts of it. And what is true will stand on its own. Truth
is what is left when all the rest has been burned off.
There are a few points I'd like to mention.
To the extent you are doing practices, you are hastening the process. That
is good, but excessive practices can lead to excessive symptoms, and then
prudent "self-pacing" should be applied. There is no point to be doing
practices to the extent where life becomes chaos and one cannot function. I
know that is not where you are, but if you press too hard with extra
practices, and all the other things you are considering, it could become
like that. So, a little moderation and measurement of daily practices would
not hurt. We want to go fast, but not so fast that we shake to pieces or
Keep in mind that the most balancing practice you have from the lessons is
spinal breathing. Too much or too little of it can leave you either short on
balancing or short on progress. Doing the same amount of spinal breathing at
each twice-daily sitting is important, whether it be 5, 10, 15 or more
minutes, depending on your comfort level. The same goes for meditation. The
rest of the practices in the lessons wrap around those two. If you are
"doubling up" on practices in each sitting, like doing two or more kinds of
meditation, or multiple pranayamas beyond what is recommended in a single
approach, or adding additional group practices on a regular basis, all that
will contribute to the potential for excessive releases. So it is best to
stick with a steady routine of complementary practices, paced for maximum
progress with good comfort. I mention all that just as food for thought. You
seem to be doing okay, though you are pushing the envelope a bit there. No
doubt the envelope will get pushed even more in India, though you will be
under good supervision there, right?
The two most important experiences you mentioned from my perspective are the
witnessing, which is the rise of inner silence, and the erotic/ecstatic
sensations moving up through your body. These two are at the heart of the
enlightenment process, its foundation actually, and are what advanced yoga
practices cultivate. To be honest, all the rest is just a passing show, and
ought not be given more than casual notice, and definitely not favored over
practices. A recent Q&A covering this in detail is called, "The drama of a
premature crown opening." With limited inner silence/witnessing, one can be
prone to identify too much with experiences. Enlightenment is not about
experiences. A few lessons earlier is one called "Managing the opening of
the crown." You might find these two discussions pertinent to your
situation. Not that all of it applies to you, but you will see some of the
same elements, benefits, and risks you have had or are facing now.
On seeing the guru(s) inside, that is along the lines of what is described
in lesson #57,
"The guru is in me?" The guru begins in us as desire, goes out to link with
outer knowledge and/or physical guru, and then goes back inside and is seen
there. So seeing your guru(s) inside is a natural part of the bhakti
process. Eventually, he/they will dissolve into your rising enlightenment
and it will be your own Self that is radiating out. All of this is part of
the process of purification also, so your guru may not focus on it because
the details of karmic release are unfathomable. It is all going on in you,
leading inevitably to your enlightenment. That is the most important thing.
It sounds like you are doing very well. Just favor stability in your routine
of practices, and try to avoid jumping whole-hog into new ones until you
develop an understanding of how they will complement your overall practices.
Otherwise you could be "doubling up" on things and overdoing. It takes a
certain amount of ordinary everyday activity to stabilize the energies we
stimulate in practices, so sometimes less practice and more activity can
bring more progress. You have all this in your busy routine already, of
course. These are just reminders.
Thanks for your concern for me. Just so you will know, the posting of core
lessons on Yahoo is almost done. All that is left is a posting summarizing
all of the principles and practices, and a lesson on tips for keeping a
regular practice going within a busy schedule - a big challenge for most of
us in this workaday world. After covering those things, there may be less
activity on Yahoo for a while (emails will be answered to the best of my
ability and Q&As will be posted, as appropriate). Then I will be focusing on
publishing two hard copy books, both which are in good draft form already --
one being an enhanced version of these lessons, and the other being a
spiritual/adventure/romance novel with the actual advanced yoga practices
woven into it. If anyone knows a good literary agent with a strong interest
in spiritual/new age book publishing, let me know. That is the next step.
Also, the Yahoo lessons will be mirrored to a free access web site. All of
this will be to make sure the knowledge is secure and widely available for
whoever wants it.
Have a wonderful time in India! I'd love to hear from you when you get back.
The guru is in you.
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