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MrSteroids1
Canada
72 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 11 2014 : 12:52:36 AM
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Hello one and all.
As the title says, if feel my identification toward this human me growing dimmer and dimmer everyday, with more and more inner openings. But i am afraid.
I will display here all that i am afraid of.
I am afraid that, since there is only one consciousness, i will lose all sense of personal self and be lost in the whole of it all.
If there is only one being, how comes i am not able to see through everyone else's eyes?
After all the time i've spent meditating, I haven't had one experience that told me "It's gonna be great! I can't wait to be at one with everything!", but my mind had all the time in the world to think about all sort of things that "might be possible", things being not always for the better.
I feel as i am approaching the goal, and i am terrified. I am not identified as this human anymore to say the truth. I feel as if i am simply a floating camera in this person's head. I am not identified as anything at all, I am nothing. I genuinely don't know who or what i am anymore.
How is that one being not lonely.
Please tell me how wrong everything i wrote is. I need to be told that it is all going to be for the best. |
Edited by - MrSteroids1 on Jan 11 2014 03:43:50 AM |
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AYPforum
351 Posts |
Posted - Jan 11 2014 : 02:48:45 AM
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| Moderator note: Topic moved for better placement |
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adishivayogi
USA
197 Posts |
Posted - Jan 11 2014 : 05:27:49 AM
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| if you weren't identified with anything you wouldn't of made this thread. the thought would of arose and you would of laughed. do go out trying to trick yourself. telling yourself you re getting closer has no practical value. this is not an achievement, its a homecoming |
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Anima
484 Posts |
Posted - Jan 11 2014 : 09:24:25 AM
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Namaste,
Ive been experiencing the same thing the last year, since a spontaneous crown opening. All my movements and conceptions, and many of my reactions have been changing. Im becoming a much warmer person.
One thing that has let it work out so far is faith and staying sober. Also, Im taking a break from AYP practices and generally am feeling more integrated with my parts. One other thing which was necessary for me: beginning to identify who and what is good and supportive, and who and what demands me to harm myself. Sometimes, I am that thing, or its my family, or social expectations, desires and compulsions, my living situation, or not making a living with work.
It is all going to be okay. You are your best guide. I can only share my experience.
Love |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Jan 11 2014 : 10:05:20 AM
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Hi MrSteroids1,
I know no matter what anyone says, for you to be at ease, you will have to trust the words ... "nothing changes and yet everything changes". The world around you will stay the same, but the filter you see the world through will be gone which will help you love it all.
To me this journey has been like this scene from "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade": http://youtu.be/xFntFdEGgws ... have to trust and jump in... the divine is always there to catch us. 
quote:
How is that one being not lonely.
Regarding lonely... no... it's not that you are lonely, but you experience aloneness... the two are not the same...
"Loneliness is absence of the other. Aloneness is the presence of oneself. " ~ Osho
Here is Yogani's writing on this: http://www.aypsite.org/392.html
Hope it helps.
Much Love! |
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
Posted - Jan 11 2014 : 11:02:59 AM
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Never have I heard such a confusing and abstract topic as non-identification, which is discussed in spiritual circles at large, especially the ones that lean towards more Eastern philosophy. Is there a soul in my body that will continue living once my body dies? Is there a blanket awareness at the seat of the soul that is omnipresent and beyond individuality--even beyond a unique, eternal soul? If I can sense that my body is separate from others, am I still far off the mark of enlightenment? What if I'm just feeling deeply connected to everything and everyone around me?
All these questions pop up for me when contemplating non-identification.
I guess it's pretty clear that I'm not the body, because I can observe every inch of my body (and how could "I" observe the body if there wasn't a sense of the "I" being "other than"? Just as a baseball fan watches a game from the bleachers and recognizes that he is "other than" the game...witnessing, watching, observing the game from a distance, so can "I" as awareness sweep through the landscape of the body). Also, I guess it's pretty clear that I'm not the mind, because I can watch my mind wander in many directions. So, it seems logical that I am the awareness that is perceiving these things. Yet, the "I" of awareness still remains centered in this body, and these emotions, desires, struggles, dreams, etc. keep arising within a personality that hasn't disappeared.
Naturally, the only true escape seems to be death of the body. Then I might know who I truly am, once the clothing of the body, and the personality which operates that body, vanish. Therefore, must I wait for death to be satisfied in this search? Seems like an abysmal and excruciating waiting period. I don't think I'm interested in biding my time and waiting for that kind of answer.
So, all I know is, here I am. Body, mind, and awareness. And so I better play the game while I'm here, and might as well enjoy it. And it seems more enjoyable when I'm enjoying it with other body-minds, who are trying to figure out this riddle too.
If yoga is "union", then I am using the practice to unite with others, and to unite with that mysterious awareness that seems beyond limitations. But, in that union, still, there is a sense of being a distinct part of the whole. That individuality has not been erased. And I'm not really interested in trying to erase it. I'm more interested in trying to integrate it, and to let it merge with a much bigger picture.
And I can meditate, and touch that serenity that is beyond, beyond, beyond. I might not be able to escape the shackles of the body completely, but I can have some freedom to move--inside and out. There's nothing more satisfying than the freedom to move, especially if there are no restrictions or boundaries to where I can go. And the freedom to be still lets me rest, and once I rest, I can enjoy moving all the more, because I know that I am both able to rest, and able to move, sometimes at the same time.
I think what you have written is a good exercise in self-inquiry, and if you're afraid, then just keep investigating and see if there's actually anything to be afraid of. The only thing I've been afraid of recently is missing out. I don't want to miss out, you know. I want to take advantage, get the fullness of experience that is offered. Rather try and fail, than not try at all. That way, at least I don't doubt that I used the available tools and sought to maximize the trip.   
P.S. I hope I didn't make it any more abstract or confusing with that long-winded response. What works for me is meeting new people, playing music, singing songs, running, skipping, jumping...meditating, stretching, imagining...letting go and exploring the newness in the ancient field of consciousness. |
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jonesboy
USA
594 Posts |
Posted - Jan 11 2014 : 12:38:01 PM
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Yogani told a great story about trust. I can't find it but I will try to do it justice.
A mountain climber slid down the face of a cliff.
The climber could not go up, down or move side to side from the position he found himself in.
He yelled for help until his lungs hurt but no answer from anyone. He was alone.
Finally he prayed, "Lord, please save me" and a voice out of the sky boomed and said "My son, let go for I will catch you."
The climber thought about it for a minute and finally replied "Is there anyone else up there?"
I hope that helps |
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
Posted - Jan 11 2014 : 2:11:44 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Shanti
To me this journey has been like this scene from "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade": http://youtu.be/xFntFdEGgws ... have to trust and jump in... the divine is always there to catch us.
Awesome scene! Thank you. |
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MrSteroids1
Canada
72 Posts |
Posted - Jan 11 2014 : 2:30:37 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Gabe Miller
if you weren't identified with anything you wouldn't of made this thread. the thought would of arose and you would of laughed. do go out trying to trick yourself. telling yourself you re getting closer has no practical value. this is not an achievement, its a homecoming
I'm not trying to trick myself into thinking i'm getting close. I feel disconnected from my own body/mind, like they are always on autopilot and I'm just watching. Feeling disconnected from everything that this human is. Nobody else have been through this? This is my reality. |
Edited by - MrSteroids1 on Jan 11 2014 3:07:02 PM |
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tonightsthenight
846 Posts |
Posted - Jan 11 2014 : 5:03:21 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by MrSteroids1
quote:
Originally posted by Gabe Miller
if you weren't identified with anything you wouldn't of made this thread. the thought would of arose and you would of laughed. do go out trying to trick yourself. telling yourself you re getting closer has no practical value. this is not an achievement, its a homecoming
I'm not trying to trick myself into thinking i'm getting close. I feel disconnected from my own body/mind, like they are always on autopilot and I'm just watching. Feeling disconnected from everything that this human is. Nobody else have been through this? This is my reality.
Oh yes, dont worry this is a phase and it will pass.
The fear, too, will pass away. Its a reaction of the mind.
First time I had this fear was around 13. It was paralyzing. I had a vision of Eternal Life, Life as i experience now. The fear is the minds dim realization that it is not alive. That it is not what it thought it was. Its horrifying. To the mind, Life is death.
And not death as it is, because death is wonderful. But death as conceived by the mind is wholly different, an end. But there is no such thing, its a fantasy.
I've felt this sickening fear many times because it accompanies the annihilation of the minds identity.
Don't worry, everything is okay. Don't trust your mind because Life awaits on the other side and it is far more beautiful than you could ever imagine! |
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2014 : 08:25:06 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by MrSteroids1
I feel disconnected from my own body/mind, like they are always on autopilot and I'm just watching.
Here's a good lesson on witnessing:
http://www.aypsite.org/122.html
The witness stage is totally natural, and in time, you will feel more engaged. This has been the case with me. It moves from detachment to non-attached engagement. Unpeel awareness from the stickiness of identification, then re-approach the organism with a new freshness and spontaneity. |
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mr_anderson
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2014 : 09:08:12 AM
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Exactly, any sense of disconnection or detachment goes eventually. One feels fully engaged, in a much more happy and spontaneous way, but free at the same time.
All these fears are just mind stuff arising. Totally open to them without resistance, listen to them kindly and attentively, treat them with the gentleness you would give to an irrational and frightened child. They'll pass.
Also, intensely 'impersonal' stages, where there is no sense of self, tend to pass eventually. This is only my view, but I don't consider them a goal in themselves. We are as much here to be fully engaged and human (in a personal way), as we are to recognize our inherent, formless, impersonal freedom.
The very impersonal states can be extremely blissful, but it's just as wonderful to engage in close, personal relationships with your inner light filling them with so much more love and happiness than before. |
Edited by - mr_anderson on Jan 12 2014 09:31:42 AM |
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Being disidentified
