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cosmic
USA
821 Posts |
 Posted - Apr 16 2013 : 12:56:50 PM
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Namaste friends
I am in a deep depression and don't see a way out. I've been depressed for several months, due to some difficult life circumstances, but the past few weeks have been absolute hell. I feel very alone. Nobody in my life listens and it's getting to a point where I get very angry and lose control. My whole family is a thousand miles away, and I can't talk to them about my troubles. I can't talk to anyone. The one person I could normally talk to takes everything I say personally, even when I'm being very impersonal and non-accusing. This person attacks me when I'm simply expressing my sadness and upset in a non-personal way. It's to the point where I can no longer bottle up my emotions and I lash out in a very angry and aggressive way. I do not feel heard. The people in my life think I need therapy and medication, but they fail to take responsibility for the fact that they push me into a ****ing corner and that's why I react in such an angry way. What I need is real communication. I need to be able to express myself without being attacked and bullied. I can deal with my sadness and hurt, but when I am made wrong for my feelings, I get very pissed off and I will not lay down to be stepped on by someone who is supposed to be loving and understanding. I don't know why I'm writing this or what I hope to get out of it. I am just pissed and have no other outlet. I've deleted my Facebook account and am very close to deleting myself. I ****ing hate myself and the demon I've become. I started AYP 9 years ago from a place of depression and numbness, and I guess I've come full circle. Only this time I'm pissed off and not taking sh*t from anyone. Yes, this is a cry for help because nobody will listen. I get NO compassion from supposedly spiritual people in my life. **** this I am done.
Love
cosmic |
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kami
USA
920 Posts |
Posted - Apr 16 2013 : 1:43:48 PM
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Cosmic,
(((HUG)))
It just doesn't cut it to say "sorry to hear", my dear Cosmic. I can sense your pain, and how profound it feels. And I'm more than willing to listen, if that means anything... You can talk to me any time.
All that comes to mind right now is to make space for yourself. Sometimes real communication becomes obscured by layers of emotions and past hurts. And it becomes a vicious cycle. To break that cycle, it may help to take a short break from the people you crave understanding from..
Much love to you. Sending you a big hug. And lots of samyama.. |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Apr 16 2013 : 1:52:34 PM
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((((HUG))))
You know you can always talk to me my dear! Always!
Love you!
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yogani
USA
5201 Posts |
Posted - Apr 16 2013 : 2:37:30 PM
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Hi Cosmic:
I'm here too if you need a sounding board.
The guru is in you. 
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cosmic
USA
821 Posts |
Posted - Apr 16 2013 : 4:02:08 PM
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Thank you dear kami, Shanti, and Yogani.
I appreciate you being here for me. I will try and make time for myself, but this is a close relationship and I can't really take a break from this person.
The hardest part of this is that I feel like I'm losing myself. I am normally a relatively peaceful person. But I'm having difficulty finding the line between being peaceful and standing up for myself when I am wronged. I am aware of ego tendencies within myself, but does letting go of ego mean that I must endure abuse?
The last time I was depressed like this, in early 2009, it led to a huge awakening and greater authenticity. AYP was my saving grace that led to that awakening. I kept up the practice despite how hopeless I felt, and it paid off big time. As of now, I am willing to see the truth of myself, dirty as it may be. But it's hard to see clearly when it looks like my suffering is caused by another. I know that my state is in my own hands, but it's really really hard to see the right path to take at this time.
Bleh.
Love to you all |
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bewell
1275 Posts |
Posted - Apr 16 2013 : 5:13:08 PM
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Hi Cosmic,
My love to you too,
Be |
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cosmic
USA
821 Posts |
Posted - Apr 16 2013 : 5:51:02 PM
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| Thank you, Be. Love to you, my friend. |
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Ananda
3115 Posts |
Posted - Apr 16 2013 : 6:08:44 PM
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My dear brother.. I second hand what u said '**** it all'
I am in my own hell as well under so much pressure... It will all pass and there will be better days.. Life is like this.. Hang in there my brother... Try and go out do some jogging or weight lifting... This will help ease the pain. I wish u peace. Salam |
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AumNaturel
Canada
687 Posts |
Posted - Apr 16 2013 : 6:12:03 PM
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Hi Cosmic,
I hear you when you say isolation, no one truly listening, not accepting your feelings for the honesty they reflect, and being squeezed to the point where the only response again gets labelled angry. I do hope you can find stability and peace within yourself despite the disconnection you see around you, and even if time isn't always on our side, try as best you can to remain patient until things settle down until you find the right moment to make the change you need (or maybe see intended changes happen without acting on your part). That's just what came to mind, hope it has some relevance to your situation which I hope improves soon! |
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Parallax
USA
348 Posts |
Posted - Apr 16 2013 : 10:00:32 PM
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Cosmic!
My brother, I wish I could take away your pain with words, but I know they are simply inadequate, so I'll try sending love instead You may feel alone right now, but I can assure you that you are not. There are so many people here that love and care for you including me 
Whenever I think of you, I always go back to that first Allentown retreat. How you were sitting near me during our first insight dialogue session, and you couldn't stop giggling...on and on until you had me and the whole room giggling too  It was the first time most of us there were meeting "in the flesh" and you helped to break the ice and lighten the mood...it brightened the whole weekend and I'll be forever thankful to you for that. you are a beautiful soul my brother.
I know you are going through a lot of difficult emotions right now...but just know that you are loved.
I'll send you a message via email in case you want to talk
((((HUG)))) |
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
Posted - Apr 16 2013 : 10:21:40 PM
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"Go the distance..." said the haunting, ethereal voice in the film Field of Dreams.
Now's the time to decide if you want to be a spiritual warrior--one that will walk to the Light in the face of what seems to be looming darkness.
The help you need is available--I guarantee you...and it's not necessarily in the form of psychiatric treatment. In fact, it's probably much more simpler than that--and cheaper!
All that brooding anger you have expressed is good fuel that can be directed to your ishta, and by the sound of your post, your ishta is lacking in clarity and focus. For me, it's not sufficient for my ishta to be merely abstract, theological, or spiritual. I need to see results on the Earth, and in my daily life, so that has increased my participation in AA, various churches, playing music in live venues, etc. Reaching out into the community is a way to get out of our self-prescibed bubbles of suffering--where there sometimes seems to be no outlet.
Really, depression is a pattern of self-pity, and the remedy is simply to set a trajectory to burst out of the cage by reaching beyond our comfort zone. Then, we are less afraid of everything--people, situations, obstacles, our shadows.
What has worked for me has been the willingness to be a raving lunatic that won't stop until I reach the next plateau. It's bhakti, you know. The fire within that won't be extinguished.
Go down the list and fill in the blanks. Ask yourself where you can improve (at work, at home, in community service, etc.). These bodies of individuality we inhabit are like multi-layered microcosms that wanted to be fulfilled in various categories so that they can become whole. "Your faith has made you whole." It's like a rainbow--all the spectrum of colors must play their parts. That's why Yogani says we have to "multi-channel" our efforts.
Don't delete yourself. Expand yourself. Re-invent yourself. Be like a hologram that can shine like a diamond--never fixed or rigid, but adaptable to the changing conditions of life. It is only the stillness that will remain constant and unshakable, but when it comes to your human-body-mind-character, that is a product of evolution meant to dance with the flow.
So, I recommend dusting off the stale patterns that confine you, and replacing them with new ones. And when you lament, lament to God--above all else! Demand from Him that you be brought closer to your divine destiny...IN THE NOW.
Alright, I'm done.  |
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faileforever
USA
190 Posts |
Posted - Apr 17 2013 : 12:16:39 AM
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| That is very beautiful Bodhi! Thank you for sharing. [img]icon_heart.gif[/img] |
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Radharani
USA
843 Posts |
Posted - Apr 17 2013 : 01:09:17 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by cosmic
The last time I was depressed like this, in early 2009, it led to a huge awakening and greater authenticity. AYP was my saving grace that led to that awakening. I kept up the practice despite how hopeless I felt, and it paid off big time. As of now, I am willing to see the truth of myself, dirty as it may be. But it's hard to see clearly when it looks like my suffering is caused by another. I know that my state is in my own hands, but it's really really hard to see the right path to take at this time.
Bleh.
Love to you all
Dear Cosmic,
I realize nothing I can say is going to take away your pain, but hopefully at least it helps to know that people care and maybe some of us have been in similar situations. In any case you are NOT alone, as evidenced by all the replies from loving friends!
I agree with what Bodhi said about taking this to your ishta.
You said the last time you had such depression it led to a huge awakening. Cool! Look forward to it. Good things are right around the corner.
Meanwhile - you said above that you didn't feel that therapy was the answer, because your situation is being caused by persons in your environment bullying you. Nonetheless, therapy would be a GREAT outlet for your frustration because that is what the therapist is paid to do: LISTEN. Every once in a while they will say "why do you say that?" or "tell me about your relationship with your mother," etc., but the main function is to let you get stuff off your chest that you cannot express to people in your life! Of course, you can vent to us here at AYP all you want, but sometimes it helps to do it in person...
Anyway, if I can be of any help, I'm here. <hug> |
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maheswari
Lebanon
2516 Posts |
Posted - Apr 17 2013 : 02:29:03 AM
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| great reply dear BT |
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cosmic
USA
821 Posts |
Posted - Apr 18 2013 : 1:59:51 PM
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Dear friends,
I'm overwhelmed by the outpouring of support I've received in the last few days. Thank you all for reaching out to me, both here and outside the forums. Please know that each one of you has touched my heart and given me hope. I am beyond grateful and in awe of your compassion.
I confess that when I first posted, I was blinded by anger and alcohol, and I unfairly demonized the people in my life. My family and friends are compassionate and supportive, and have forgiven me for some pretty bad things. I do have genuine concerns about feeling heard and reclaiming personal power, but the bigger issue is how I deal with anger and hurt in a mature way. I've repressed my anger since I was very young, so emotionally I haven't evolved much from that age; I blame others and throw tantrums because I've yet to learn a better way. Only in the last 2 or 3 years have I even felt anger, that's how deep the suppression was.
Ananda, I'm sorry you're also going through hard times. This will indeed pass, for both of us. Please stay in touch, my friend. If you ever need to talk, I am available to listen.
Bodhi, Aum, and Radha, I have taken every word to heart, and will be implementing much of your advice. I'm seeking professional help and intend to return to sobriety and re-establish my AYP practice. And seek other outlets like writing and service. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
'Lax, the Allentown memory brought a smile to my face. You've remained in my heart ever since. Hope to share more walks, talks, and monkey laughter with you again, bro. Know that your words give me comfort and your love is cleary felt. Thank you.
Today is a new day, and I feel 180 degrees better than when I first posted. This event has been quite a wake-up call, but it's also showed me that there is love and support much closer than I realized. I'm determined not to fall back into this dark place again. The pain I've put my loved ones through in recent months has become unbearable. This is not who I am.
Thank you all for your wisdom and loving support. I feel blessed and humbled to be in the company of such beautiful and compassionate souls. I love you.
Namaste
cosmic |
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maheswari
Lebanon
2516 Posts |
Posted - Apr 18 2013 : 2:27:59 PM
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faileforever
USA
190 Posts |
Posted - Apr 18 2013 : 2:43:45 PM
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kami
USA
920 Posts |
Posted - Apr 18 2013 : 2:59:23 PM
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| So glad to hear you're feeling better Cosmic. |
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bewell
1275 Posts |
Posted - Apr 18 2013 : 3:49:09 PM
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| Cosmic, Your expression of love and insight is felt in my heart as soft burst of joyful energy and a sense of peace. Be |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Apr 18 2013 : 6:02:11 PM
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Parallax
USA
348 Posts |
Posted - Apr 19 2013 : 09:42:59 AM
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Radharani
USA
843 Posts |
Posted - Apr 20 2013 : 8:06:52 PM
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| I am so glad you are feeling better!! and it totally makes sense, what you said about having suppressed your anger for so many years, and now that you are finally able to FEEL it, I think you are still in the process of learning how to let it flow and at the same time, manage it, without it becoming overwhelming in those frustrating situations. I hear ya, bro. |
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
Posted - Apr 20 2013 : 8:28:49 PM
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Ride the wave to glory...c...o...s...m...i...c... |
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cosmic
USA
821 Posts |
Posted - Apr 20 2013 : 11:38:49 PM
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Radha, thanks. There has been a sense of righteousness, and justification for my anger, but most recently I've decided that I'm done using it as a weapon. Namaste.
Bodhi, no words to describe how amazing you are, bro. /silence
quote:
Originally posted by bewell
Cosmic, Your expression of love and insight is felt in my heart as soft burst of joyful energy and a sense of peace. Be
Wonderful, Be
Love. |
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mr_anderson
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - Apr 29 2013 : 12:41:21 PM
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much love to you Cosmic, sorry to hear about this predicament.
I don't what to say. I too go through down stages at times, even when I've reached seeming states of great freedom and joy, you never know what's going to hit you next. Sometimes it's just an emotional black hole.
Sending you some love from New York. |
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sunyata
USA
1511 Posts |
Posted - Apr 29 2013 : 9:42:20 PM
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Dear Cosmic,
Glad to hear you are doing better. I know how it feels. When having a bad day I always repeat the mantra- Tomorrow is a brand new day!
Love,
Sunyata |
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Depression
