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apatride
New Caledonia
94 Posts |
 Posted - Mar 07 2013 : 12:37:13 AM
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Witness coming, subtly rising, disappearing... The irritability, experienced for months even before beginning deep meditation, has not left yet. I can't stand when I'm so angry at nothing, agressive and with no patience. Then culpability adds up to all of this.
Deep meditation in the morning, deep meditation in the evening. Is it working? I can't know. Is it even good for me? I'm not sure. Is my anger, is my irritability, are my boredom and fatigue just symptoms of a ever pervasive mental? Not so sure anymore.
Is it not the society I'm living in, capitalist system without any deference for the human value, which has molded and fundamentally pervaded my being, condemning me to be sad and bored and lonely?
Am I not aiming for enlightment for the sole purpose of being finally happy in an unbalanced and self-destructive system?
Sometimes I wonder and bhakti seems not enough to weight the sadness within.
Still, daily I meditate. |
Edited by - AYPforum on Mar 07 2013 01:39:53 AM |
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AYPforum
351 Posts |
Posted - Mar 07 2013 : 01:39:53 AM
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| Moderator note: Topic moved for better placement |
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Christi
United Kingdom
4429 Posts |
Posted - Mar 07 2013 : 10:26:46 AM
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Hi apatride,
It takes time for meditation to be effective. That time can be months or even years for some people. First the mind has to become calm, and surrendered. Then you will begin to experience some of the joys of meditation. The first joy is mental peace. Then, over time this spills over into your daily life, so that you find that a situation which would have affected you negatively before will now no longer touch you. Gradually peace expands into bliss and love for others, whatever your situation.
It is important to have support on the spiritual path though or it can seem too hard at times. If you can, go along to a yoga class once or twice a week. Or go on an organised meditation or yoga retreat and take time to fully immerse yourself in your practice.
In the end it does not matter much what kind of society you are living in. In fact you may choose deliberately to live in a place where life is more difficult so that you can be of more service to others.
Christi |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Mar 07 2013 : 10:32:30 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by apatride
Witness coming, subtly rising, disappearing... The irritability, experienced for months even before beginning deep meditation, has not left yet. I can't stand when I'm so angry at nothing, agressive and with no patience. Then culpability adds up to all of this.
Deep meditation in the morning, deep meditation in the evening. Is it working? I can't know. Is it even good for me? I'm not sure. Is my anger, is my irritability, are my boredom and fatigue just symptoms of a ever pervasive mental? Not so sure anymore.
Is it not the society I'm living in, capitalist system without any deference for the human value, which has molded and fundamentally pervaded my being, condemning me to be sad and bored and lonely?
Am I not aiming for enlightment for the sole purpose of being finally happy in an unbalanced and self-destructive system?
Sometimes I wonder and bhakti seems not enough to weight the sadness within.
Still, daily I meditate.
You will catch this more and more on your own... but when you are in one of these spaces where you wonder why you do what you do... that is when something is being let go from within (that is what you are experiencing as an uneasiness and doubts)... it will pass and you will experience a new opening/new insight/new lightness...
Hang in there...
and...
continue your practice (self pacing as needed)...
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kami
USA
920 Posts |
Posted - Mar 07 2013 : 1:39:51 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by apatride
Am I not aiming for enlightment for the sole purpose of being finally happy in an unbalanced and self-destructive system?
Sometimes I wonder and bhakti seems not enough to weight the sadness within.
Still, daily I meditate.
Hi Apatride,
The beauty in your post is the crystal clear honesty. Thank you for sharing .
While it is true that spiritual practices take time and things evolve, it is a severe problem when we: (1) are not honest with ourselves, and (2) have unrealistic expectations. Both are very common in all spiritual circles.
There are some who are completely blindsided to their issues, burying the "negative" things like anger, and steadfastly believing they "don't get angry anymore" because they are "so advanced". This is a symptom of those who intellectually know what enlightenment is, but have not had the subjective experience of it. Yet, their personal relationships are filled with strife and anger/irritability surfaces periodically (with them denying it vehemently, of course  ). Your honesty in accepting that there is anger coming up, and there is impatience with it, is refreshing. This, in my humble opinion, is a sign of progress. To be able to look within and acknowledge all parts of ourselves, positive or negative, takes incredible courage.
The other issue, of course, is having unrealistic expectations. Taking up spiritual practices will not transform us into magical creatures with wings and grant us the ability to walk on water - ever (at least not most of us  ). Neither will the problems in our lives magically disappear with rising inner silence or unbearable ecstasy. Both are myths. Our lives will go on with all kinds of challenges. All that happens is that problems shift from being big problems to smaller problems to insignificant problems to finally no problem at all. Everything "out there" is purely a reflection of "in here". As the "in here" becomes clearer and freer, the "out there" is percieved differently and with increasing detachment.
All this is a subtle, gradual process. For a long time, nothing may be noticed at all until one day you might be in a situation that previously used to bug you and you realize suddenly that it just doesn't faze you anymore.
Keep up with the practices, and if you feel drawn to it, maybe try self-inquiry (Byron Katie's "Loving What Is" is a great tool).
Much love!
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apatride
New Caledonia
94 Posts |
Posted - Mar 07 2013 : 5:40:07 PM
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| Thanks for your kind answer, it felt good to read them |
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Goodway
USA
99 Posts |
Posted - Mar 07 2013 : 9:20:53 PM
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It's about the journey, not the destination. As long as you believe that you should be further on in your life, then you will not live the life you have! Which I'd gather is pretty important.
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bewell
1275 Posts |
Posted - Mar 08 2013 : 4:34:32 PM
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Hi Apatride,
Thanks for sharing.
For your consideration: As you may know, after sitting practices, a five minute rest period flat on the back on the floor is generally recommended. I find such a rest eases the transition from doing sitting practices to relating to others, and can reduce the tendency toward irritability.
Best regards!
Be
PS. I'm not sure where I got the five minutes on the back guideline, but my memory is that it is somewhere in the AYP teachings. In the Deep Meditation lesson which I just now re-read, Yogani writes: "Do this procedure for twenty minutes, and, then, with your eyes closed, take a few minutes to rest before you get up." |
Edited by - bewell on Mar 09 2013 01:07:51 AM |
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apatride
New Caledonia
94 Posts |
Posted - Mar 08 2013 : 5:40:49 PM
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I manage to rest 10 to 30 minutes after each session, so I don't think it would help to rest mort.
Plus, it's not AYP practices which have made me easily irritated or angry.
Thanks for your answering though, I appreciate. |
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whippoorwill
USA
450 Posts |
Posted - Mar 08 2013 : 7:07:09 PM
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Hi Apartride! If you don't mind me asking... where does the anger originate? Sometimes when I'm angry seemingly for no reason, I realize that it's a sensation in the body. I then try to find the source of the sensation.
Another thing to look at, if you're open to it, is an ayurvedic diet/routine for balancing pitta. Maybe your body is feeling stress and it's registering as emotion. It happens.
All the best to you! |
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apatride
New Caledonia
94 Posts |
Posted - Mar 08 2013 : 9:52:10 PM
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| Hi whippoorwill. Thanks for answering. The sensation is mostly at heart level. |
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bewell
1275 Posts |
Posted - Mar 09 2013 : 01:31:44 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by bewell
Hi Apatride,
Thanks for sharing.
For your consideration: As you may know, after sitting practices, a five minute rest period flat on the back on the floor is generally recommended. I find such a rest eases the transition from doing sitting practices to relating to others, and can reduce the tendency toward irritability.
Best regards!
Be
PS. I'm not sure where I got the five minutes on the back guideline, but my memory is that it is somewhere in the AYP teachings. In the Deep Meditation lesson which I just now re-read, Yogani writes: "Do this procedure for twenty minutes, and, then, with your eyes closed, take a few minutes to rest before you get up." Do what works. Over time, with practice, we discover more and more about connections between our practice routine and our demeanor.
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Yogaman
USA
295 Posts |
Posted - Mar 17 2013 : 3:56:38 PM
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I've had my doubts about this as well, since starting out with meditation last year and AYP about a month ago. I try to look at it like practicing guitar or exercising: one will not experience any tangible gains on any one daily session, but in time things eventually "click". Things get into disrepair because the steps are slow and gradual, until one day the accumulated change becomes apparent. I think the process of improving ourselves is the same, although improvement requires effort, will and persistence.
The positive reports of advanced meditators keeps me focused when "nothing is happening", just as the knowledge that people can learn to play the guitar with regular (and usually uneventful) practice, even if I am not at that level yet.
Despite this awareness, I still have doubts creep in. And meditation is a bit more subtle in regards to the progress compared to guitar or exercise, both of which have a more obvious and physical component to the changes. I'm not far enough along in my meditation practice to speak from any experience at this stage.
When first learning guitar, I practiced daily for many hours over three months. I experienced no increase in skills, and actually felt like things were getting worse. I put the guitar down out of frustration, but picked it back up a few months later to discover that everything I had been practicing was now just understood. To think I could have just walked away from it forever! I discovered the book Mastery by George Leonard shortly after this, and he touched on the cycle of practice which paralleled my experience pretty closely. I'd highly suggest that book for both meditation dedication as well as any other path or goal you're trying to achieve. |
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karl
United Kingdom
1812 Posts |
Posted - Mar 18 2013 : 06:10:52 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by apatride
Witness coming, subtly rising, disappearing... The irritability, experienced for months even before beginning deep meditation, has not left yet. I can't stand when I'm so angry at nothing, agressive and with no patience. Then culpability adds up to all of this.
Deep meditation in the morning, deep meditation in the evening. Is it working? I can't know. Is it even good for me? I'm not sure. Is my anger, is my irritability, are my boredom and fatigue just symptoms of a ever pervasive mental? Not so sure anymore.
Is it not the society I'm living in, capitalist system without any deference for the human value, which has molded and fundamentally pervaded my being, condemning me to be sad and bored and lonely?
Am I not aiming for enlightment for the sole purpose of being finally happy in an unbalanced and self-destructive system?
Sometimes I wonder and bhakti seems not enough to weight the sadness within.
Still, daily I meditate.
If you are aiming at anything, have any goal, any expectation, or are attempting to control 'what is' ,you are fundamentally in diametric opposition to your natural state.
Everything external is simply a manifestation of the internal. What is seen as self destructive and socially unpleasant externally is just a reflection of your internal turmoil. It is only the echo of your own voice you here, just the reflection in a mirror. It is your own music that is reflected back at you from objects. If your music is good, then the objects seem good, if it is bad, then the objects seem bad. Remember that the joy or suffering rendered by an object cannot come from an object only from yourself.
Make sure that you get plenty of rest and grounding when you feel frustrated and angry, then the world will seem less frustrating and less provoking. chill. |
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Indigoism
USA
20 Posts |
Posted - Jul 12 2013 : 5:00:45 PM
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| I apologize for this simple response but what has helped with me because I had a huge doubting problem when I first got into mediation. To the point where I was surrounding myself with negativity and over thinking scenarios with paranoia but anyways. Manifestation of your desires has helped drift me away from those doubts. |
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