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kami
USA
920 Posts |
 Posted - Dec 18 2012 : 11:03:41 AM
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Recently, opportunities for inquiry seem to arise in every moment, and this is gradually becoming an unconscious habit. While it has always been easier to drop into stillness during so called "positive" mind activity, I am noticing that all thoughts and emotions, no matter how fleeting or recurring or painful, can be subjected to inquiry, leading to deep wells of stillness.
The raw pain of the recent tragic events at CT has caused an intense shift here. Through the sequence of emotions of disbelief, shock, grief, and anger at the injustice of it all, it was (and is) interesting to notice the underlying unmoving radiant and peaceful one. Like two overlapping circles - the lower being golden and shiny and unchanging, standing apart and yet connected to the ever-changing circle above.. All metaphors, of course..
It takes just one question or even the faint intention of a question to drop from the upper to the lower with an instant shift from being the experiencer of that emotion to pure experiencing. For me, the hardest part of this is the feeling of helplessness - thus, this is what the samyama has been primarily on. As the feeling comes up, there is a simultaneous and nearly unconscious question of who is experiencing it, rapidly moving into the resulting I-thought. As the very subtle questioning continues and the "experiencer" dissolves, there is always first the noticing of the underlying bliss and peace.. But the inquiry continues into the subtle I-feeling until there is nothing left. No grief, no fear, nothing at all. There is just being and the two circles are one.
Grief is a great teacher.
Love,
kami
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vijikr
United Arab Emirates
413 Posts |
Posted - Dec 27 2012 : 10:00:01 AM
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I agree grief is a great teacher.
I myself went into such a state when my near one passed away at a very young age and it made me question all that is and I got no answer with whatever question that I asking myself for this grief which made me go into some kind of silence for a second or so and I heard this beautiful sound of Om first it started as gushing sound to kind of om or oung like..
This made come to yoga and meditation.
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Arman
Australia
47 Posts |
Posted - Mar 08 2013 : 07:03:41 AM
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That was beautiful Kami, thank you.  |
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
Posted - Mar 09 2013 : 5:12:55 PM
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I really like your metaphorical imagery of multiple circles and various layers. That helps me a lot, because that kind of structure veers away from the black & white/either-or type thinking that gets me trapped. When seeing things from a multi-dimensional perspective (ranging from the absolute to the relative), there's much more flexibility and fluidity for the mind to traverse the distance of consciousness.
Yay for metaphorical thinking!  Thanks for posting this, Kami. |
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kami
USA
920 Posts |
Posted - Mar 10 2013 : 12:48:45 PM
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Thank you everyone. 
Bodhi, it is in fact easier to be in the black/white mode, as I am discovering.
I have recently found out first-hand about spiritual bypassing - was not even aware it was happening. It has been easier to transcend all the ugly and unpleasant parts within myself by stepping out of that upper circle and remain in that radiant circle underneath. Living in that, there is no conflict, only beauty and clarity. However, emerging from it has made the unpleasant stuff that much more unbearable.
In the last few weeks, I "dropped into" the heart space, refusing to go back to the head space of emptiness, struggling to find the courage to face all my flaws and meet them with grace (and not using inquiry). It is the hardest thing I have ever done. So tempting to step out of it and remain in the sweet space of nothingness, but I just cannot do the yo-yo-ing anymore. So here it is at the moment - allowing total vulnerability, not putting up defenses and seeing it all as it comes up. After days of agony and pain, there is a subtle shift of simultaneous rise of self-compassion, a softness of allowing the ugliness to just be, without manipulating it, making excuses for it or desperately wishing (or inquiring) it away. And finally, finally, I am blown away by the beauty of it. The ugliness doesn't seem that ugly and the unpleasantness is being dropped out of "ownership".
There has never been more gratitude for the stillness cultivated in deep meditation. Without it, this kind of work can drive one insane. Unfortunately, the clarity that arises with continued practices is not always immediately accompanied by self-compassion. And I'm coming to see that as hard as it is to live from the heart space, it is opening up new doors in living by a deep *feel* for things. It feels right to be here, doing this, being vulnerable and not bracing for the next blow. And there is a strong feeling that all is well.
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
Posted - Mar 10 2013 : 8:35:12 PM
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Do you ever feel a flush of blood to your face...commonly referred to as "blushing"  ? That's happened to me a few times lately in moments of spontaneous vulnerability (when speaking to co-workers), and that bodily reaction warmly tells me that the heart is connected to the head, and that emotions are communicating from the heart, rather than just the gutteral/survival level (or the coldness of the intellect in the head).
The heart cares about more than survival; the heart cares about truth--which means means riding on the edge of aliveness to discover the full potential of even the ugly parts. Nothing is wasted. The full body is utilized to fulfill the surge of desire that won't die, but instead speaks to us so we can listen to our ancient destiny finally brimming out into manifestation. But there is a wisdom and weight of responsibility that I am learning, so that the pure wildness does not destroy the lovely intricacy of order and hierarchy.
The fire of desire. The ocean of stillness. Merging. A burning sea of blue-green flames. |
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kami
USA
920 Posts |
Posted - Mar 11 2013 : 12:45:18 PM
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Thank you for your beautiful words Bodhi.
Much love to you.
P.S: Can't wait to discuss nonduality with you soon.   |
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Stillness in grief
