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14all
USA
8 Posts |
 Posted - Oct 16 2012 : 12:44:28 PM
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Hello Everyone 
I am a newbie here and don't understand very much of the conversation. I did have an email exchange with Yogani and he suggested I bring my concerns to this forum (Thank-you Yogani). I am 59 yo now and had my Awakening when I was 19 (in an Ascension dream). I have been obsessed ever since, of course - as everyone here well understands. Here's my problem : Whenever I get deeply into meditation weird things start to happen and I get scared and pull back. I would like to have a personal guru (to give me confidence). I live outside Mpls./St. Paul area. Does anyone know of a good teacher in this area; experienced with Kundalini energy symptoms?
Love to All  |
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14all
USA
8 Posts |
Posted - Nov 01 2012 : 11:27:28 AM
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OK AYP'ers. I guess I need to share more info in order to get someone to talk to me. Here is my initial letter that I sent to Yogani after I perused this website. (Sorry; I'm not very good at being vulnerable with people. I am quite shame based and I always struggle with opening myself up in group situations.) But I just want to know that I am being seen here because I feel so vulnerable in regard to Kundalina energy; yet feel suck between a rock and a hard place - My bhakti rules!
Dear Yogani,
Several months ago I was meditating quite regularly in the mornings for an hour. I also was practicing a breathing exercise I saw on the internet. It was an exercise whereby one fills the lungs slowly from low in the belly all the way up to the highest chest; and then slowly lets the air out again backwards from the chest all the way down to the belly. I had been practicing about 5 of these breaths per meditation for only about 4 or 5 days. On the last day I suddenly felt a fiery warmth in my lower tailbone area which I enjoyed very much. But then it started to quickly flow upwards into my belly and I had a powerful sense of being pregnant with this fiery presence. I felt a strong sense of relationship with it and placed my hands on my belly. That was too strong for my nervous system; as though this Presence didn't like that but I tried again - and got a stronger negative response so I stopped that. Then I decided to end my meditation, hoping that since the energy hadn't moved very far up my spine - I wouldn't be experiencing the signs and symptoms of Kundalini awakening which I had read about years before.
I stood up and quickly realized that my entire body was alive and buzzing with a powerful current. I was awake for three days - just trying to handle all of this interior activity. I stopped eating and drank much water to try to cool the fire burning inside of me. I alternately went outside for long walks even in the middle of the night. I tried to simply lie down in my bed and just be with the fire and the bliss. I had copious diarrhea. I couldn't read or concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes at a time. While sleeping on the third night I kept waking up all night long - feeling as though I was being ravished by this Presence. At times I realized that my tongue was pushed way back in my throat and a few times it seemed as though my breath was all but stopped. My dreams were very vivid with many colors and sounds swimming around in them. I was filled with bliss and could hear my voice expressing pure pleasure as the energy subsided enough to allow me to experience it without the accompanying unbearable heat and roar. That next morning I was almost back to normal - feeling at once relieved; but also missing this powerful sense of the world as being more full of fun and mystery than I had even believed as a little girl!
Since the Kundalini stopped being so active I am noticing a lot of itching - like my sensate nerves are firing on my skin all over. I also experience anxiety just before I am aware that a hot flash has begun in my interior. I'm in menopause. I am also dealing with a feeling of not belonging with my family and friends. They are alternately wonderful and irritating to me.
I would like to continue on my spiritual path; but have stopped meditating because I am not sure what could happen next. I would like some advice - if you wouldn't mind - on how to go about my involution without so much uproar.....a more gentle awakening. When I was 19 years old I was enlightened in a dream. I was taken beyond knowledge to the True Intelligence. I experienced the Love of the Host of Heaven, Creation copiously pouring out from the Source, and the Alpha and Omega....the end - which is also the beginning of all things.
My only desire is to live my life, finally fully awakened. I have realized that without this Grace - I am utterly at the mercy of myself and my enculturation.
Is it possible for one to awaken Kundalini more gently? If I start meditating again could She come again with such intensity and perhaps have no mercy? That third day I prayed to Jesus to please let me have a little rest that night. I don't know if it was in answer to my prayer or if the Kundalini had done what She came to do and so kissed me good-bye. I have been praying for Her to continue in me - but just a little less furiously. |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Nov 01 2012 : 11:47:21 AM
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Hi 14all,
Welcome to the AYP forums!
Sounds like you went though some intense purification... the itching is more of just that.
Just a note... when something like this happens, it is better to ground (rather than let the energy take over) by walking, eating heavier food, drinking lots of water (which you did), staying away from anything that ignites bhakti (devotion), stay away from practices as well. It is hard to do especially if the energy high feels good... but the higher the high, the lower the low that follows... so as a rule, staying balanced is the best approach.
I am not very sure what kind of help you are looking for?
When I read this line in your first post "I would like to have a personal guru (to give me confidence). I live outside Mpls./St. Paul area. Does anyone know of a good teacher in this area; experienced with Kundalini energy symptoms?", I assumed you wanted to go for a guru based practice rather than a self directed practice (which is what AYP is about)... and maybe no one here knows of a guru in your area, that's why no one replied.
If you would like to go for self directed practices, we are all here to help.
quote:
Is it possible for one to awaken Kundalini more gently?
AYP is designed to help us with a gentle awakening with concepts like self pacing to guide our speed of opening.
If you would like to start, read up on deep meditation here: http://www.aypsite.org/13.html
Once you start on that, let us know what your experience is. If it goes smoothly, you can continue this practice twice a day for 20 min each. If it feels like it is bringing up too much energy, go with 5 min deep meditation twice a day... and if that is comfortable, build on that. Then once stable with this, we can add other practices.
Wish you all the best in your chosen path! |
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14all
USA
8 Posts |
Posted - Nov 01 2012 : 5:51:09 PM
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Hi Shanti,
Thank-you for taking time to answer me! :)
I am sooooo happy that I found this sight; I feel more secure now, in continuing my seeking life. Before I felt like I was swimming around in the dark!! I really am wishing that someone could reassure me that Shakti will never get worse than what I have already experienced; but I know no one here can do that  ! And I actually feel hopeful that I can seriously begin my practice safely now - although I don't know what lies ahead; at least I do know that going about Spiritual realization in fits and starts is NOT a good way to progress  !
I have just started to meditate again (20 min. at a time.) I am stable. I plan on adding pranayama after a few months, we'll see. I still don't feel confident in regard to that practice after what I went through  ! I'm wondering about something else though: After reading the Samyama book by Yogani; the practice seems similar to something I was already doing - and that is taking my loved ones and sending them into the silence in much the same way that it is suggested we do with the other sutras. Now I'm feeling unsure if that kind of practice would awaken too much bhakti in me. After reading the lessons and the books; I guess I'm feeling a little hedged in - like I'll be inconsequential to my family and friends - and the world; because I'm doing so little.
Also, if Kundalini ever gets strong in me again; I'm having difficulty understanding how I am supposed to eat heavier foods when I could not have eaten ANYTHING if I had tried. All I could do was drink cold water - OFTEN. And I couldn't have been able to sit here and write to you, or research online how to get help. Walking, drinking water, working (physically) with short periods of lying down in acceptance pose. That was it.
BTW, Sometimes I get a pretty good jabbing pain on the left side of my back, at kidney level. When I put my attention there and it slowly subsides. Is this part of the energies working at purification?
Thanks again Shanti - your help is greatly appreciated  !!
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Nov 01 2012 : 8:12:15 PM
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Awesome questions!
Will try to get to all of them, but if I miss something, please don't hesitate to ask again
As long as you are in a structured practice, and take it easy/slow and be mindful of the symptoms of overload... you can stay a step ahead of shakti... being smart about our practices is our choice... I love this line by Yogani
Kundalini awakening is a partnership between ourselves and the divine. Have you taken ownership of your role in this partnership, or do you consider yourself to be a victim in it?
It's good you dont know what lies ahead, then you have no imagination hindering you from experiencing what unfolds. Many of us came in here with loads of imagination of how things should be, and missed so much that was happening because we were waiting for things to show up in a certain way. I always tell people, if god tells us s/he will visit us tomorrow and we have an image of him in our heads, we will miss him when he brushes our face as a butterfly...
The one thing to keep at bay is fear. We attract what we fear, or better way of putting it is worrying is praying for something we don't want. So don't fear spinal breathing or any other practices... If done the way it is said in the lessons, it may actually help balance the shiva and shakti... When you are ready for it in a few months, start with a few breaths of it... If that is fine, add a few min... Slowly build it up to 10 min... If that does not feel comfortable, drop it for a bit longer and try again. This journey is a marathon and not a sprint.
Samyama is a beautiful practice... teaches us how to let go. My daughter does an technique like samyama that she says she has known since she was a child... What you are doing is similar... it is something you have in you already... Beautiful! But, when done like she does, or you do, it is a hit or miss... works wonders at times, but not always... The reason we do it as a structured practice is so we learn how to get it to work every time. The more we do the structured samyama, the better we get at getting out of the way and letting go in stillness... soon it will become second nature... like typing or knitting... we keep at it, later we don't have to think twice where the letters on the keyboard are or how we are knitting. After a few months of meditation... once you are sure you are stable, you can add samyama (samyama can be added at any time, it is important though to have access to some inner silence before starting samyama in order for it to be effective and as with adding any new practice, be sure that you are stable in your current routine, this way you will know what the new practice is adding and if you need to adjust it, self pace etc). If it bring up too much Bhakti, then we cut back on it, we do only one repetition, or do only 3 sutra, or stop it for a bit... again, we control our pace.
Next time, before things get out if hand, we will start self pacing, and one of the suggestions for grounding is to eat heavier foods, you don't have to eat much, but eat things like pizza, cheese, rice, meats(if you do eat meat i.e.)... if you can't do this it is fine as rest of the things you do to ground are perfect!
Yes pains, itches, bug crawling on the skin, heat, shivers, throbbing, buzzing, inner hearing/seeing... all signs of purification... you are right by putting your attention there to relax it, if I gets worse, just stop you practices and if it happens outside of practices, and putting attention on it makes it worse, then distract yourself, take your mind off it... the more we focus on energy, the stronger it gets... taking our mind off it helps ease it.
I hope I got them all...
Very happy you decided to start practices...
Remember, 20 min (max), twice a day... preferably before meals, first thing in the morning and putting as much gap between the second practice session and bed time... Don't forget to rest for 5-10 min after meditation, before you go about your day.
All the best!
PS: I am sure you do a lot more for your family and friends than you realize... taking this step to find inner silence and heal yourself so you can be the channel through which the divine can flow into this world, is the biggest step you can make toward helping your friends and family... but first we need to heal, then we let the healing flow to others.
Much Love!
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14all
USA
8 Posts |
Posted - Nov 02 2012 : 3:46:08 PM
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Whoah Thank- you again Shanti - so very generous  of you to answer me in detail like this! What an awesome place this is!!
There's one thing you said that I need to talk to is this:
quote:
The one thing to keep at bay is fear. We attract what we fear, or better way of putting it is worrying is praying for something we don't want.
LOL!!! That's all I have to say about that! Well, maybe not all....that's pretty much what I am dealing with more than anything else. It used to be shame - blushing all the time for no (apparent) reason. But I just stayed with the blush and felt compassion for both myself and the person witnessing my discomfort. That helped to make me feel more comfortable with shame. But this fear thing is so much worse! It gets hold of my physical self and just turns it every which but loose!! Criminy!!! So, since I don't want fear to take over in such hysterical ways, I'm wondering: Is it possible that meditation could help these deep seated phenomena to slowly be purified? Oh, God - I'm begging it's so.
Also, I wonder about some of the people who have been dealing with having to stop EVERYTHING because of too much energy flow, like Ananda for instance (if you are reading this, bless you Ananda ) - I am trying to assure myself that won't happen to ME; and thinking that if I really balance my life (get more integral, so to speak) - exercise, read a funny novel, enjoy my friends and family instead of wanting to run from them  just get outside more and stop this infernal obsessing over WANTING, WANTING, WANTING GOD to fill every pore of my being with LOVE and LIGHT - then maybe I could sort of just.... sneak my way into HIS/HER arms without HIM/HER really realizing it In other words; after reading the trouble people are getting into with practices (and the trouble I've gotten into without much practice at all) I wonder if I/we need to just be content with God's timing regarding our enlightenment - and accept our lot for this time around. Relax with practices; and make them a part of everything else I/we do. Maybe it truly IS true what the Buddha says...that it takes lifetimes to fully come home (makes me cry). I just wanted to get enlightened in this lifetime!!!  Didn't want to be born again - into another dysfunctional family. 
I'm so glad to have this forum. I hope you don't think I'm whining, complaining, running away. I'm just trying to work out what it is I am trying to accomplish - perhaps prematurely. I have so many personality deficits. Am I supposed to be taking care of something else - inSTEAD of trying to internalize (realize) THAT which is already here? OK....BLAH, BLAH, BLAH
Thank-you again Shanti. I am so grateful for you. I soooooooo needed to be able to talk about this stuff with SOMEbody. I'm crying because you seem to know what I'm going through - have been going through for so many years. LOVE is the reality. And I just...don't know how to be THAT...and now scared of what I'll have to go through to get there.
Much Thanks - Renee |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Nov 02 2012 : 8:13:56 PM
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Hi Renee,
That is what we are working on/purifying... Seeing through the fears that block our ability to experience our true being. Layers and layers and layers of conditioning that we have added during a lifetime that has hidden our true self.
But in order to see through the fears, we first need to become familiar with our inner silence... this helps us go beyond the mind... trying to see through the mind with our mind is like trying to put out a fire by pouring oil on it... we just make it a bigger and make our mind stories more concrete... take one set of stories and replace it with another... the idea is to see though the story and let it go... and that will happen once we start seeing from beyond the mind, from our inner silence.
Have you read Loving What Is by Byron Katie? If not, try it.
Also, I know a lot of people have talked about their overloads here... but like I said, don't go into imagination of fear that is how it will be for you... experience your own experiences... Also keep in mind, many have talked about their opeings as well, so don't go looking for anything that is not genuinely happening to you... the good or the bad.
You are not complaining or whining... you are sharing your heart, and that is what we all come here to do... find a safe haven to open and speak our hearts and know there are others who will understand what we say, because many here have experienced what we have, and we won't be judged, we will be understood and accepted for who we are. It is so rare to find a place like this. Much gratitude to Yogani for giving us this space to be ourselves.
Tears are good... and yep, I know what you say... been there, done that.
Love is the reality, very true... and you live it the best you can from where you are... don't try to be anything else or anyone else... be authentic... be who you are right now and be ready to change as you open further...
PS: dysfunctional families are the best teachers... Feel blessed that you had one to push you here.
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14all
USA
8 Posts |
Posted - Nov 03 2012 : 04:16:29 AM
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Oh my goodness - thank-you so much Shanti!
I got into bed this evening - at a friend's house. Suddenly it felt like I was starting to disappear and I got up and went to take a shower to try to get myself solid again. So many stories of what might be happening to me were going through my head. I even imagined that we all are going to be raptured on Dec. 21st. and that's why we all are going through such intense purification!!
I finally decided (after taking a long shower and drying my hair forever) that I would get back into bed with my computer and watch a funny movie to help stabilize my psyche. But I decided to check here first. So GLAD I did
I decided to just ask the question "What am I so afraid of?" Afraid of disappearing? Afraid of pain? I'm leaving it at that...."What am I so afraid of?" Just that. It feels good to ask that.
quote:
Have you read Loving What Is by Byron Katie? If not, try it.
Yes, I have. She is one of my favorite Authors. I also love to visit her website to see the latest interviews. Gangaji is also a favorite teacher- love her!
For now though, dear Shanti; I will read and re-read your last post to me. I feel so blind to myself. I could probably say all these things you have said to me to someone else who is suffering. But to be held in another's thoughts as you are holding me right now is so unbelievably precious!! Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you! I feel like someone just handed me a glass of cold, sparkling water and shade to lie under as I am floundering in the dessert.
I just realized what I'm so afraid of: losing my mind.
Q: Is it true? A. no Q: Who do I become when I think this thought: "I will lose my mind when I don't even know what losing one's mind feels like. It could be a very liberating experience...could be kind of fun, even. I can't know until I've tried it."
A: LOL!! I become someone who is terrified, worried -always looking for the boogie man that's out to take my mind away and put it somewhere where I'll never find it again.
Q: And who would I be if I had never had, indeed could NOT have the thought "I will lose my mind?"
A: I would be open to my experiences. I would feel curious and peaceful all at the same time.
The turn around: I will find my mind; my vast, free, silent mind.
This is one of the answers that comes to mind when I ask myself "What am I so afraid of?"
Thank-you Shanti. Thank-you Yogani. Thanks aren't enough.
I just read it again Shanti. It is a balm to my battered self. Tears. Thank-you.
Love and good-night. 
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Nov 03 2012 : 10:15:29 AM
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Yes, fear is our biggest obstacle... and it is so easy to go into fear based on what we read about other people's experience... like the other day someone send me an email afraid she was going to be gone very soon as she was experiencing this very strong pull inward that felt like it was going to engulf her. Knowing it was purification and an experience I have had, I told her about my experience about finding a heart cave and it was beautiful as I found my child self there and we could heal together in Ma's arms... This put her mind at ease and she could just relax into the experience and the mind did not take over her with fear.
We hear/read both good and bad about an experience, but our mind likes to remember the bad and create fears in us... if you watch the news, what do you hear... mostly the bad... Why? Because the mind loves to be entertained by these things... Why are good things rarely reported... because it does not have the mind entertaining factor in it... no one wants to entertain the heart (by sweet melt your heart stories) everyone wants to entertain the mind by shocking it.
Your fear that you will lose your mind... seriously if that could happen then we would all be enlightened in a moment. The mind is afraid of losing it's grip on us and keep us in place... we are trying to go beyond the mind... we are trying to balance our heart and head... once this balance is found, we can live for the reality and take action based on what we need rather than what we think we need.
Losing mind is a good thing... except the mind does not agree and fights us. ... can you blame it?
Don't get me wrong, mind is a beautiful thing when we don't let it lead us... We don't want the head(mind) to lead us, nor do we want the heart to lead us, we want them to work as equal partners... We need both of them to work in perfect balance, in union to be living in the here now... thats what self paced practices are for, to find that balance. Too much of either leads to imbalance and overloads.
Hope you got some sleep.
Have a wonderful weekend! |
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14all
USA
8 Posts |
Posted - Nov 05 2012 : 12:50:51 PM
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quote:
Losing mind is a good thing... except the mind does not agree and fights us. ... can you blame it?
Ah - the Byron Katie in me KNEW it! Your words are so full of wisdom - everything I need to hear right now!!!
I am continuing DM today- did not do any practice this weekend.
And - have another question. About Samyama. It seems to me that Samyama would deepen the experience of silent awareness and thus help to prepare one for Pranayama technique (and the energies awakened.) Could you please respond? Even if there is a teaching from Yogani - whatever you think could help me to understand. Also, today during DM - which I decided to stick with even though I have been used to going into silence through the breath - I noticed that the mantra seemed to take me down, like I was following it into silence. Is that the way? At first the mantra is kind of irritating because it just seems like more mind - noisy. But then it did that sort of winding descent into stillness. Then it was hard to want to stay with the "IAM" and irritating that it kept being there - like it was pulling me back to the surface. Does all of this sound like par for the course? And would you recommend that I keep doing the mantra even though it is a little hard to learn? Is it a little like trying to learn a different style of, say golfing or skeet shooting - where the pro assures you that if you change, it will be harder at first; but then the results will be exponential? 
Last year I had a six hour long excruciating anxiety attack (followed by a few hours of amazing bliss presence) on the ninth evening of a 10 day Vipassana course. Since then I have noticed that my mind wants to chatter non-sensical stuff at me as a way to handle busy-ness. It's really weird. The busier I get the more my mind does this. It never did this before. I think that maybe is why the mantra bothers me.
But I'm open to anything I'm so relieved to have found this sight and very grateful to Yogani and all of the members here - so blessed ......
Btw - I had a wonderful weekend (ALL of it - and you were there) and got plenty of refreshing sleep on Sat. night and last night also. Yay!
Thank-you so MUCH Shanti, good friend!
Renee |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Nov 05 2012 : 7:41:42 PM
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Hi Renee,
Spinal breathing will scrub the nervous system and stir up the energy, the meditation will help take it into stillness, then samyama takes the stillness cultivated in meditation and expands it outward...
Samyama works best when we have access to inner silence, and the most access to inner silence we have is right after meditation. We take the sutra and drop it into inner silence and soon you will find it expand out into the world.
http://www.aypsite.org/150.html
With meditation we are clearing out the obstructions in the subconscious mind and developing a clear awareness of our inner silence. With samyama we are acting directly within our inner silence to produce an outflow of positive effects that purify our nervous system and surroundings in powerful ways
Your meditation with "I am" seems perfect. Give it some time and the mantra repitition won't irritate you much. Meditation will change a lot over time... patience my dear... you are unlearning something and learning something new... (a new style of golfing).
quote:
Originally posted by 14all
Btw - I had a wonderful weekend (ALL of it - and you were there) and got plenty of refreshing sleep on Sat. night and last night also. Yay!
Hope i wasnt a bother or interfere too much with what you were doing. |
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Spontaneous kundalini awakening
