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Radharani
USA
843 Posts |
 Posted - Sep 01 2012 : 04:29:38 AM
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I've been going through a very "interesting" time this past week or so. Many thanks to all my friends for their love and support! It's kind of a long story and I don't want to bore you with all the details, but basically:
As many of you know, I'd been in a state of essentially continual Silence and Bliss since May of 2011. I still experienced normal human emotions but did not take them personally anymore. Everything just flowed. I was free. The waves continued on the surface of life but I was dwelling in the peaceful deep. Well, recently a confluence of several intensely "difficult" things came together at once, in the background of ongoing serious financial sh*t which I'd thought was beginning to resolve. The yoga studio was doing pretty well and I'd begun to have hope.
Then, a couple of weeks ago our biggest client, a family with 7 "special needs" kids, whom we adored, had to quit yoga due to one of the kids needing therapy which was not covered by insurance and they were swamped with medical bills they could not pay. One of the kids had gotten out of her wheelchair and walked on our last visit!... Other students likewise ran out of money for classes. And other financial issues struck, which would not be a big deal except I have people and innocent animals depending on me.
Then my stepmom returned after a month of chemo and radiation, which would have been unnecessary had she chosen the holistic route, but she was bullied into the mainstream "treatment." They told her, "You have to fight!" but they failed to tell her the "treatment" had less than a 1% chance of working. She looked like a skeleton, ashen, horrible, in unrelenting pain. They have nearly killed her and she has only about a month to live after enduring that suffering. But worst of all, this woman who had a pure childlike faith, told me, "I don't believe anymore" because of what she has been through. (Brought back memories of losing my mom 2 years ago, likewise a saintly woman whose perfect faith did not save her from a horrible lingering death.)
All these things together, plus my perimenopausal hormones, set me off. I had a HUGE fight with God, my Beloved; told Him "I hate You!" "No wonder people are atheists when You allow sh*t like this to happen to good, innocent people like her!," "The atheists are right!," (ironic, huh?!!), etc. I lost my Bliss. I could not feel His presence. Everything became dark and empty. I thought perhaps I'd lost my samadhi, although I still had perfect awareness that everything is maya and that this ego-self is a mere construct, and that nothing had changed, only my perception.
It's as if I drowned in reverse; I floated up from the peaceful depths to be tossed about on the stormy surface. I became immersed in the drama and sorrow of human existence, not only my own and my step-mom's, but everyone else, all beings. I sobbed for days. I could not feel Divine Love (which normally pours through me 24/7) except through my partner in tantra, and through my dear friends and my animals. I continued my yoga practice although didn't have as much time for it as usual, since I was on the phone with banks and attorneys, and frantically working to put in more hours at my other jobs, trying to pay the bills. I cussed and threw plates and clocks and things. I was exhausted, and disgusted with myself. I said the Jesus prayer even though I was still mad at Him.
Finally, exhausted but sleepless, I happened to pick up "Wounded by Love" by Elder Porphyrios who reminded me, "don't dwell on your darkness, just throw yourself into the Lord's arms." Which I did - and found myself back in the deep Silence, back in Love. Nothing has changed, only my perception. I still feel incredible sorrow but I am no longer drowning in it. We still face immanent financial disaster but I once again feel "everything will work itself out somehow." I feel that I ought to be kinder to myself and get more rest. I am relieved to find that the Bliss is still here underneath it all, and a deepening of that Love which can weather any storm. I am back in a place where I can enjoy the drama, knowing that I am just an actor. Maybe I needed to be humbled. All is well.
Thanks again to my friends in the sangha, especially Maheswari, Shweta, Carson and Justa Guy for being there. |
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maheswari
Lebanon
2516 Posts |
Posted - Sep 01 2012 : 04:41:36 AM
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[img]icon_heart.gif[/img][img]icon_heart.gif[/img][img]icon_heart.gif[/img]
hugg |
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tonightsthenight
846 Posts |
Posted - Sep 01 2012 : 09:31:21 AM
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Hey Radharani,
it's the other side of the coin.
there's no free lunch on the path of life. have hope, and remember that life is only a dream, and then let go... |
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mr_anderson
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - Sep 01 2012 : 2:49:15 PM
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hey Radharani - sorry to hear about your personal troubles, overjoyed to hear you're feeling back on track.
love
josh |
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Radharani
USA
843 Posts |
Posted - Sep 01 2012 : 10:31:30 PM
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tonightsthenight,
Either you didn't actually read what I wrote, or else I did not clearly explain it. The Deep Silence/Bliss is beyond the "two sides of the coin." The "sides" happiness/sadness exist in the waves on the surface, where I became temporarily lost, but which most people think of as "normal existence" and was in fact my existence prior to May 2011. By "letting go" I was able to get back Home.
Yes, it is easy to say "life is only a dream" and technically from an ontological standpoint, that is true. However, it does not alter the fact that from an existential standpoint, in this "dream" we must each play our role, and other persons, who do not know that it is a "dream," are depending on us to do our part. Otherwise we could simply walk away and not be bothered by anything. But our own liberation is tied together with everyone else's. If I did not have people and innocent animals depending on me, there would have been no difficulty.
Thanks, Tonight and everyone, for your love and encouragement! |
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tonightsthenight
846 Posts |
Posted - Sep 03 2012 : 08:55:26 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Radharani
tonightsthenight,
If I did not have people and innocent animals depending on me, there would have been no difficulty.
yes, but this is the crux, isn't it?
the "two sides of the coin" i was referring to wasn't the happiness/sadness duality, but rather the vicissitudes of life, in this case indicated by the troubling circumstances within you now find yourself.
as you said, our own journey cannot be separated from the journey of everyone else, and connection is especially obvious with those to whom we are close. |
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jeff
USA
971 Posts |
Posted - Sep 03 2012 : 10:44:20 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by tonightsthenight
quote:
Originally posted by Radharani
tonightsthenight,
If I did not have people and innocent animals depending on me, there would have been no difficulty.
...
as you said, our own journey cannot be separated from the journey of everyone else, and connection is especially obvious with those to whom we are close.
Very true, but that is a choice...
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
Posted - Sep 03 2012 : 5:07:11 PM
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I'll samyamize your name Radharani, and try to send some of this Florida power in your direction.
By the way, I think it was a good call to vent your anger towards God/Jesus/your ishta. A great use of bhakti is channeling the negative emotions to the Beloved, rather than innocent bystanders, who are not equipped to respond with the surge of Divine Power that is required in your circumstance. (Although, maybe you need to be firm with some people re: finances, etc., but I'm glad you saved the rage and real raw stuff for Divinity). Stay strong!
Onward.  |
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Radharani
USA
843 Posts |
Posted - Sep 03 2012 : 7:35:33 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Bodhi Tree
I'll samyamize your name Radharani, and try to send some of this Florida power in your direction.
By the way, I think it was a good call to vent your anger towards God/Jesus/your ishta. A great use of bhakti is channeling the negative emotions to the Beloved, rather than innocent bystanders, who are not equipped to respond with the surge of Divine Power that is required in your circumstance. (Although, maybe you need to be firm with some people re: finances, etc., but I'm glad you saved the rage and real raw stuff for Divinity). Stay strong!
Onward.
Thanks, Bodhi. You are so right. |
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Radharani
USA
843 Posts |
Posted - Sep 03 2012 : 7:48:41 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by tonightsthenight
quote:
Originally posted by Radharani
tonightsthenight,
If I did not have people and innocent animals depending on me, there would have been no difficulty.
yes, but this is the crux, isn't it?
the "two sides of the coin" i was referring to wasn't the happiness/sadness duality, but rather the vicissitudes of life, in this case indicated by the troubling circumstances within you now find yourself.
as you said, our own journey cannot be separated from the journey of everyone else, and connection is especially obvious with those to whom we are close.
I am not sure I understand the distinction you are making between the "happiness/sadness duality" and "the vicissitudes of life." Be that as it may, I was attempting to explain the difference in perspective which occurs when our entire reality shifts, as mine did about 15 months ago. The "vicissitudes of life" don't ever go away; the only thing that changes is our perspective, if we are in the deep Oneness and therefore unfazed, or if we are being tossed about on the surface and taking it "personally," as I was last week. I "lost it" for a few days, some kind of "dark night of the soul," perhaps triggered by a combination of sheer exhaustion, and emotional turmoil over my step-mom's terrible suffering. Yes, our own journey is intertwined with everyone else's. Maybe it's not a bad thing to be reminded of the depth of human suffering every now and then, lest we become too detached. It would be easy to do from this perspective. That's what I meant about being "humbled." Thanks again for your input. |
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Radharani
USA
843 Posts |
Posted - Sep 03 2012 : 8:00:46 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by jeff
quote:
Originally posted by tonightsthenight
quote:
Originally posted by Radharani
tonightsthenight,
If I did not have people and innocent animals depending on me, there would have been no difficulty.
...
as you said, our own journey cannot be separated from the journey of everyone else, and connection is especially obvious with those to whom we are close.
Very true, but that is a choice...
Well, technically, yes - I could choose to ignore my parents' suffering. I could also go through with the bankruptcy process in which my horses would go to slaughter. etc. But that would not be the right choice for me, which is why I did my best to direct her to a doctor who could actually have helped her, and why I am now exhausting myself doing my 2 other "jobs" in addition to teaching yoga, in a seemingly futile attempt to pay the bills. I could choose to tell my partner and his 2 kids, "Ya'll are on your own."
In the bigger picture, though, as I said previously, our liberation is indeed intertwined with everyone else's whether we like it or not. The suffering of others is my suffering, too. I feel that so deeply now. |
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Radharani
USA
843 Posts |
Posted - Sep 07 2012 : 8:09:00 PM
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| Last night I realized, not just intellectually but on more of a heart level, that this whole process has resulted in a deepening of my spiritual experience. I was reflecting on how in the mystical Christian tradition we "unite our sufferings to Christ." But, Christ united Himself to the suffering of all beings and "took our suffering into His own hands." So in my Oneness with Him, my own pain is united with the pain of all other beings in a very real sense. I open my arms wide in surrender and feel again the Bliss of that Union even in the midst of suffering; my liberated Bliss is not merely my own, it exists for everyone. I feel that Love in a deeper way as I am aware of our shared journey. I see now that this experience was necessary to deepen my awareness and more firmly establish my liberation - even though at first it felt like I was losing it. Had a lucid dream about this last night, too... thanks again to all my dear friends in the sangha for your fellowship on this long strange trip! |
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maheswari
Lebanon
2516 Posts |
Posted - Sep 08 2012 : 01:41:07 AM
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sivasambho
USA
136 Posts |
Posted - Sep 16 2012 : 5:25:26 PM
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Hi Radharani,
Hope you are able to come out of the other side of your situation more stronger, healthier and happy. The irony of the world we live in is while we have to make use of our time every possible way to soak in, comprehend and enjoy this thing called life - we are also
required to make a living for survival. By the time we realize the craziness of this situation, we are already past significant time. By fighting this and helping others, you will not regret it later in your life. |
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Radharani
USA
843 Posts |
Posted - Nov 20 2012 : 10:57:17 PM
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| Hello again, dear friends - it's been a very intense, crazy time this past couple of months and I haven't had a spare moment to hang out AYP. I will update more in a different thread re: jobs, etc., but from a spiritual standpoint, it's been really interesting. The "opportunities for purification" have been nonstop. Got through the "dark night of the soul" and fell back in Love. Returned to the "witness/actor" perspective, and was able to help my step-mom on her death journey following her last round of "treatment" (and I use that term very loosely), in my capacity as a minister doing the various rituals, etc., being strong and comforting the other family members in the midst of all kinds of family "drama" (long story - warring relatives brought their drama to the hospital room...!) Dad's sorrow, his and our own financial distress, the seemingly inexorable battle against entropy and the struggle to make a living, health issues, and people causing trouble and situations that have required me to be firm if not downright mean, etc. My Dark Side has come out and at first I thought "oh no, I've lost my Bliss!" but then rembered there is nothing to lose and nobody to lose it, only a role to be played. What seems to be happening now is that the Dark Side is being integrated/ transformed into strength. I am less concerned about what anybody thinks or says, and more confident in the deep inner silence that is underneath it all. I believe this is also a natural part of the perimenopausal process as well as the yogic process. As more "stuff" comes up and burns, I feel free in the midst of the fire. This is not a "detached" or "emotionless" state that I once imagined; rather, it is being totally free in the midst of very real, intense, personal emotions that flow through me and over me, kind of like when you are enjoying a really good movie and you cry even though you know it is only a movie. In the Center of my being I know everything will be ok even though by all outward appearances things are going to hell in a handbasket. Sorry if I'm not describing it very well. Anyway, thanks to all of you, it is wonderful to know we are not alone on this journey which is shared by everyone in the sangha, each in our own way. |
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maheswari
Lebanon
2516 Posts |
Posted - Nov 21 2012 : 02:08:23 AM
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| good to have you posting again dear Radharani |
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Radharani
USA
843 Posts |
Posted - Nov 22 2012 : 01:20:36 AM
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| my dear M., thanks so much for all your love and support! |
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Yonatan
Israel
849 Posts |
Posted - Nov 23 2012 : 1:04:30 PM
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Thank you for sharing Radharani
It is beautiful what you describe about outward appearances being chaotic but inside there is a stillness witnessing.
Take good care and be well. |
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intense purification
