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antifanous
Australia
6 Posts |
 Posted - Jul 11 2012 : 07:20:44 AM
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Hi I am new to this forum and I really have no idea about tantra, we are not advanced yoga practitioners either, but we do some yoga and meditation.
So I hope that you don't mind me hijacking the forum with beginners questions, but it is really important to me:
My husband revealed me some time ago, that he has lost all sexual desire for me and that was some years ago. I want to keep it brief and spare details. We have a great relationship otherwise, but I am aware that a non sexual marriage would not work for both of us. My husband has deep problems with relationships and we are in counselling for that.
While classical counselling can help to sort the problems out I doubt that it can do anything to rekindle the spark.
I wonder if either special yoga, mediation or tantric practices could help? Do you have any ideas? Something gentle, I don't want him to jump into something he is not ready yet.
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mikkiji
USA
219 Posts |
Posted - Jul 11 2012 : 9:58:40 PM
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First Question: Has your husband lost all sexual desire, period, or all sexual desire FOR YOU? Does he masturbate, notice other women, have fantasies, or has he become, basically, asexual?
Second Question: Is his plumbing all in working order, CAN he perform sexually or has he experienced either physical or psychological impotence, otherwise known as Erectile Dysfunction? CAN he maintain an erection and have an orgasm and ejaculation?
Third Question: Has he had any sexual difficulties or problems in the past, or exhibited any aversion to sexual activities due to past experiences, childhood training, trauma or abuse--in other words, is there any suspicion of some sexual hang-ups which might have caused him to believe that sex is wrong, bad, sinful, evil, might cause him harm, etc?
In general, Tantra CAN be a powerful modality for awakening, energizing, channeling and enjoying one's sexual forces. That is not the purpose of it, however, but it is a wonderful and beneficial side effect. The main purpose is to take the amazingly powerful sexual energy within and transmute it from lower chakra flow only, where is is mostly and merely sexual, to higher chakra flow, where it becomes an entirely different sort of feeling--instead of orgasm being felt locally, it becomes felt increasingly throughout the entire body and brings the state of ecstasy to one's full Being. Instead of lasting for a few seconds, that state can continue for many minutes. Instead of feeling drained afterwards, one feels great power. And finally, if done as a couple, the oneness that is felt thereby is as a state of spiritual union.
Michael |
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antifanous
Australia
6 Posts |
Posted - Jul 11 2012 : 11:52:15 PM
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OK, it is not a physical thing - he lost interest for me. And yes, there are childhood issues and he had problems with all other women too.
One thing is to work with the childhood issues, but to reintroduce sensuality in the relationship cannot work by only understanding what happened. (As I understand this so far modern psychology dos work mostly with your mind and that is IMO a shortcoming)
Anyway, thanks for the reply! Maybe I'm on the wrong forum I saw there's something about relationships too. And maybe meditation would be a better to strat with - if there is meditation for couples at all. |
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Victor
USA
910 Posts |
Posted - Jul 12 2012 : 04:50:21 AM
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You could be on the right track but here is an issue that I forsee. If he is not feeling attraction towards you and you try to get him to change sexually I would picture him to be unmotivated and feel criticized. In my experience when a man learns to build his sexual energy internally it can make a very positive effect on his general well being, attractiveness towards women as well as sex drive and performance. The problem though is that he would need to learn this for his own reasons not because he is made to feel that he needs to do better for you. On your part you could take up these practices for your own well being as well as the fact that they may indeed make you more attractive in general.Cultivation of sexual energy has much less effect in women than men and sometimes a woman would be better served by opening and releasing her sexuality more ( in a conscious way) rather than her own orgasmic control. Subtlety can come later with experience.
Also, Many women seem to put way to much emphasis (in my opinion) on the surface as far as their beauty goes ( clothing, makeup etc) and not enough on internals such as health, fitness, healthy weight, positive attitude, experiencing fun and adventure in life and listening to what their partner really may be needing. Those are things that make a difference to me. Of course I don't know you or him so I may be off base on that. He might like your hair a certain way or to have you dress up, all men are different, just speaking for myself here I guess.Learning to listen and to respond is critical and the practice of meditation can help with that and pranayama can also help energetically for you so I owuldn't give up so soon with this, you may be on the right track with AYP |
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antifanous
Australia
6 Posts |
Posted - Jul 12 2012 : 05:34:16 AM
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I think you are right. First the most important thing is to work on yourself and you cannot talk someone into something doesn't lead anywhere. Maybe it's the wrong thing. Maybe I'm more after meditation/yoga techniques to reconnect on a deeper level or which help to overcome blockages. I might ask the same thing over at relationships.
BTW we're not very much fixed in clothes haistyles ....
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Victor
USA
910 Posts |
Posted - Jul 12 2012 : 3:26:35 PM
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| I would certainly enthusiastically recommend AYP for your own well being. How it effects your relationship is anybody,s guess |
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HathaTeacher
Sweden
382 Posts |
Posted - Jul 12 2012 : 4:31:40 PM
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Thanks for the concise sumup, Victor.
It's a long journey, and the curiosity and motivation have to be sparked within; too pushy "guidance" would backfire. One of the great advantages of AYP is the ego-neutral approach, offering books and free on-line lessons to anybody in the world, but pushing nobody.
Similarly to therapy, even breathing, meditation and relaxation tend to rewire the subconscious, slowly healing past "garbage". But unlike in therapy, this happens organically, as a byproduct, without words, without setting up/pursuing a therapeutic goal. The focus is on repeated self-paced exercise, not on goal. Ideally, therapy and AYP would complement each other, but every individual is different; therefore I think it's practically impossible to give a universal answer. |
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antifanous
Australia
6 Posts |
Posted - Jul 12 2012 : 10:09:12 PM
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| Thanks for the answers! It helps a lot. But I don't know what is AYP -my guess iss that Y stands for Yoga and maybe p for practice. Yes thinking on all this is that pushing will backfire - as it was one of the reasons why this happened. |
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Victor
USA
910 Posts |
Posted - Jul 12 2012 : 11:10:48 PM
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| AYP is the name ( acronym) of the yoga style taught on this site. AYP=Advanced Yoga practices. It doesn't mean that this is only for advanced yogis but rather that the system is advanced in the sense that it is clear, concise and effective without extraneous trappings |
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antifanous
Australia
6 Posts |
Posted - Jul 13 2012 : 02:52:42 AM
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| Thanks - stupid question, but it is not as easy with all these yoga styles available. |
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Radharani
USA
843 Posts |
Posted - Jul 17 2012 : 7:22:53 PM
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| antifanous, I agree with much of what was already said above. But, I do think that tantra can in many cases bring new life into a relationship IF both parties are willing to give it a try. Of course that is not its ultimate purpose, but merely a side benefit. If your husband is willing, I would begin by doing basic asana, pranayama and meditation together (as explained in the AYP lessons). If he is not interested, I strongly recommend that you pursue the meditation practice, and later tantra, on your own. This will allow you to reconnect with your own spirituality/sexuality on a deep level which is very satisfying. In addition to the AYP Lessons, I recommend a book which is a very basic introduction to yoga, including pranayama and tantra, by my teacher Mark Whitwell, "The Promise of Love, Sex and Intimacy" which you may find useful. All the best to you and your husband! |
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Can tantra rekindle spark in marriage?
