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Chaz
USA
129 Posts |
 Posted - Jun 24 2012 : 02:39:22 AM
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Earlier last week I decided to buy Byron Katie's Loving What Is book, and I have tried it but I'm not too sure it's really helped a lot yet. To me, it seems like a way of basically getting me to a point where I just have to suck it up and accept whatever is bothering me, because I shouldn't be upset in the first place, what I'm getting upset over isn't even true. And that's all fine, I'm glad all these things that make me suffer are just false beliefs, but it's easier said than experienced, thoughts are sticky and stubborn (for me at least, maybe that's why I'm so stubborn,) and they like to rear their big head through any tiny gap of peaceful silence I have, false or not.
Also, the formality of it bothers me because I'm not gonna be able to sit with a pen and paper in hand doing The Work on a REALLY stressful thought that comes up maybe during work, or a social situation. I want to be able to mitigate the effects of my thoughts as soon as they start taking hold over my mind. Again, this has always been rather difficult for me, even if I try mindfulness or whatever I always seem to find myself caught up in the mind again.
Lately a lot of junk has been coming up. I'm having some trouble dealing with it, and about a week and a half ago I decided to relentlessly question every single one of my thoughts. I ask "Is it true" "Who is this thought occurring too?" "Who is feeling this?" "Who am I" and of course I get no answers. But it's a step I guess, the really stupid and less stubborn thoughts get out the way with these questions to make room for the bad boys, and they always put up a good fight. One particular thought I battle with often is the thought of death or loss of someone I care about. I'll be enjoying someone's company and then suddenly the fear that I could lose them at any moment creeps up in my head and ruins a perfectly good moment. Why this weird thought? I don't know, but I freeze in my tracks, and I get so caught up in worrying about them. Then I have this compulsive "be careful or you might think it true" sort of fear (damn you LoA books!) and I try to block it out, but it torments me even more until I can finally manage to convince myself to appreciate the moment with them, since it's all I have. I know it's far from sensible but it's a thought I constantly put up with. At any rate the thought happens so frequently that it's annoying as sh*t, I need to know how to deal with it so I don't get caught up by it anymore.
Today I felt kind of hopeless, like I'm getting no where in life. Despite the blissful, wonderful consequences of AYP I still feel kind of stuck circumstances wise. I think a big part of the cause is under-stimulation right now... Life's been feeling pretty dull and unexciting. It's the start of summer, haven't had much to do and I have close to no obligations other than a job interview tomorrow. I need new hobbies to keep myself busy or something. Seeing all my friends go off and have fun at beach week while I've been stuck home, bored and alone didn't help at all. I already had to see them all graduate and feel proud of themselves, and wonder why on Earth I didn't work harder to feel that accomplishment with all of them. So this made me feel sort of cheated out of something good, something I was really looking forward to experiencing. Things didn't work out for prom and I wasn't able to go to that, so I was really looking forward to this as my last High School experience with all my friends. High School being finally over, I just wanted some fun and enjoyment for once. But again, things didn't work out for me. It's like I'm being forced to miss out on the things I really want to enjoy, and it's making me miserable. It probably sounds like such a stupid thing to be upset over but I'll use a quote by Chuck Palahniuk to try to sum up what I'm getting at; "You're always haunted by the idea that you're wasting your life." That's quite honestly how I feel about everything when I see all my friends moving forward and enjoying their lives and I'm still trying to pull it all together.
So a lot of thoughts came up. Thoughts like "Why am on this path? How did I get like this? I'm not enjoying life right now. Nothing is working out. I'm a lost cause. I want to start living a life that I'm proud of, that brings me happiness. Maybe God's will is completely against mines. Is God even fair? What if everything I thought would bring me happiness never happens? People suck. No one is any help. Nothing is going right. Maybe some of us are just meant to get the sh*t end of the stick." Que resulting depression, confusion, demotivation, and lethargy. I know logically half those thoughts aren't even rational, but nonetheless those are the things that have been running through my head this past week. The good news is I'm not entirely a psychological mess... yet. I think I've improved somewhat, looking back at least.
At some point I want to be able to make use of the enhanced quality of life AYP is providing me, without troublesome thoughts getting in the way. I've been really down in the dumps for not graduating and missing out on so much when all I really want to do is enjoy myself at this point. But so what I'll spend a few extra months in adult-ed to get my diploma, as long as I can do it happily and enjoy my life along the way. I wanna go out and grab life by the horns and start living fully the way I want. I have a certain lust for life right now that AYP has fueled even more, and yet I feel so trapped by my circumstances and doubt. Right now I'm determined to change, I want better circumstances, a better attitude, a more fulfilling life. I should be a lot more pro-active in going out and making that happen, but I'm stuck letting defeating thoughts about myself and my circumstances hold me back. If the experience all boils down to your thoughts, I know a lot of work needs to be done in that department.
Anyways, back to why I started this thread. I need some good self-inquiry advice. Should I continue with Byron's method? If so how should I go about the Work in a more effective manner? Any other helpful methods? Whatever might help. Thanks a lot!
Keep vibing the energy of your unique spirit, my friends. 
-Chaz |
Edited by - Chaz on Jun 24 2012 02:56:13 AM |
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karl
United Kingdom
1812 Posts |
Posted - Jun 24 2012 : 06:13:56 AM
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Hi Chaz,
What you are feeling is not unique by any means. I also suffered like this and had very depressive periods and thoughts occurring for no apparent reason. Sometimes they would happen spontaneously while having a really great time and I would just fall off a cliff that would take days and sometimes weeks to fight my way out of. My sisters suffers from the same thing and has resorted to specialist drugs to keep it under control. It isn't quite bipolar, but more the edge of manic depression.
I would suggest self inquiry at this stage isn't for you. It can lead to the depressive spiral or a loop that might be impossible to escape from.
Going away from AYP for the moment, my first relief from these depressions happened after becoming an NLP practitioner under an extremely good trainer. The training included going through exactly the therapies that would be applied to a client. The biggest breakthrough for me was the release of negative emotion using time line therapy. It was a life changing first step.
I can't say that it would work for everyone, but after the therapy I could cope more easily. There were still episodes but they were minutes or an hour at most and I was over them.
Katie Byrons book is a sort of version of that therapy. A sticking plaster whenever the would starts to leak. Until one day it heals.
I then just did the basic AYP practices until a time came where I faced all my demons . I don't know what triggered the event but it was over in a hour or two. It was intense, but AYP enabled me to face it with confidence and acceptance. When it was done, so we're the worst parts of the fears that had beset me since I was born.
The final part began when I surrendered to God. I accepted I had no control at all. I had to remind myself constantly that I had no control. Then magically the world opened up.
I did do self inquiry but realised that it was locking me into a form of circular reasoning, analysing the analysis. You need a lot of stillness present to manage it without going literally crazy.
Those are the things that helped me most. I'm completely free now. Nothing remains. |
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
Posted - Jun 24 2012 : 6:54:00 PM
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Greetings Chaz,
I can fully relate to this kind of cycle of depression/distraught you're describing, and considering your age, it's pretty natural. Trying to go to war with your mind, in terms of trying to discern what is true and not true probably won't help at this stage. It will probably just create more layers and algorithms to entangle your poor soul.
What really helped me resurrect from such depressive periods was getting physically active: exercising, going out in nature, community service or volunteering/working in the form of manual labor. Get your blood flowing. Feel the power of physical strength, and what a gift it is to have a body...not just a mind, which is also a beautiful gift, but the body will keep you grounded. Don't stress or strain...just maybe explore what your body can do (so many healthy options). Swimming, running, dancing, frolicking, hugging, kissing, and on and on.
Many of the self-inquiry teachers really portray the mind as an enemy, which is a horrible shame. That's not the case here in AYP. The body and mind are tools for enlightenment.
So, don't try to dismantle the whole structure instantaneously. That will happen gradually. This life isn't some horrible accident that needs fixing or correcting. This life isn't some terrible dream that we have to wake up from. Rather, this life is an innocent unfolding and gradual expansion of the genius of God and all His/Her creation. Understand? Be wary of the teachers who try to pit you against your mind, which is not to blame. No one's to blame.
Godspeed, and take 'er easy, mate.  |
Edited by - Bodhi Tree on Jun 24 2012 7:03:15 PM |
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KechariConfusion
USA
44 Posts |
Posted - Jun 25 2012 : 2:20:24 PM
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| The NOW is overlayed with the conceptualizing mind. |
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Holy
796 Posts |
Posted - Jun 25 2012 : 2:46:02 PM
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Self inquiry will not help in this. Instead letting the mind bubbling itself out until peace and love heals you directly from within will be the true help.
As long as you continue SBP + DM sooner or later the witness will rise and problems will be no more. Till then in phases like yours, sit down somewhere, remain seated and don't get up before the healing is complete. No matter how long it takes, sit there and let the thoughts flow the way they want to flow, let the feelings flow, let everything be the way it is and happens. Don't react, don't act, don't do, just let happen. The sitting position is important. Everything will bubble itself into silence and peace and love will emerge and fill and heal everything from inside. This is a sure method, it works everytime.
Wish you all love :) |
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Chaz
USA
129 Posts |
Posted - Jun 25 2012 : 7:49:28 PM
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@Karl- Mind giving some more information on some of those NLP practices? I'm very interested in knowing more.
@Bodhi- Yes I do think I could use some more physical activity right now. So much mental energy but very little physical energy, that's an imbalance that needs fixing.
@Kechari- Indeed my friend.
@Holy- I will most definitely do this-- Today! I have faith in AYP, I guess I'm being a little impatient and unforgiving with the purification process.
I will stop the self-inquiry and see where I get with The Work from here. I need to work with my negative thoughts somehow.
On the bright side, I got the job, and pretty soon I will be enrolling in college and studying Music/& or the Liberal Arts, which is something I'm excited for and know I'll love doing. Plus, the community college I'm going to is one of the top in the nation with guaranteed admission into any university in the state as well as out of state by meeting the requirements of a two year agreement between the college and state university. Knowing I still have a chance to make up for High School and end up in a University in just two years has me very motivated, and a lot more forgiving towards myself. Plus, I think an extra two years to grow up while figuring out what I want to do will be good. So yeah... good things are coming. Just tryna get out of my head to enjoy it all.
Much Love to you all |
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
Posted - Jun 25 2012 : 8:07:59 PM
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Bravo. Congratulations on the job!
Just one more thing about the negative thoughts and emotions. You can do something positive with them. As they arise (note: I say "when they arise" because there's no need to cultivate negative thoughts and emotions), but when they do arise, you can direct them to your chosen ideal/God/divinity.
For example, if you're feeling sad or angry about some worldy concern (which is just about anything), you can use that energetic charge and feed it to the One. "Blast it all, I'm so sad that You are not reaching me on a deeper level. I need You (God, my ideal) to start showing up and working your magic through me! I demand You to lead the way and fulfill my destiny as an extension of Your Oneness."
You see? Then then energy is not wasted or repressed by placing the pressure on the poor ego. The pressure goes to Stillness, and then gets converted into positive results. Here's a Yogani lesson on the subject:
http://www.aypsite.org/340.html -- Lesson 340 – Transforming Emotional Energy for Enlightenment
Onward...like a smooth surfer basking in the native Sun. |
Edited by - Bodhi Tree on Jun 25 2012 8:09:26 PM |
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Chaz
USA
129 Posts |
Posted - Jun 25 2012 : 9:31:37 PM
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Thank you Bodhi, I definitely needed to be reminded of that. To be quite honest I'm still trying to figure out what my ishta is, what really speaks to my heart. I grew up as a Catholic, then decided I didn't like organized religion and went on as a non-denominational Christian. Now I just don't know what to call myself, or what ishta resonates with me the most.
I'm guessing Jesus would be my ishta, since that's what I've been raised on? I'm not quite sure yet.  |
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
Posted - Jun 25 2012 : 10:23:12 PM
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Jesus is a great ishta. Buddha is a great ishta. Now...Jesus and Buddha sitting together...creating a super-Jesus-Buddha avatar...that's money.
The best thing about an ishta is that it can change and expand--it doesn't have to remain fixed. The ishta is only limited by your imagination, which is limitless.
Dare to dream. 
You're way ahead of the curve already. |
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karl
United Kingdom
1812 Posts |
Posted - Jun 26 2012 : 03:37:44 AM
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I'm careful not to over promote NLP and TLT it worked for me, but the therapy is mired in controversy and has many nefarious characters that make it difficult to find someone genuine to carry out the therapy. It's also very centred on the clients beliefs and willingness to give up negative emotions. In the UK it is not accepted as a medical intervention, however a near cousin, cognitive therapy has some degree of acceptance.
For that reason I cannot recommend anyone to work with you, practitioners charge for the service and whenever money is involved there are quacks taking your dollar. I'm being blunt so you know what you might walk into. Let the buyer beware.
It was life changing for me at the time, but maybe I was just ready for my life to change and NLP had nothing to do with it except to be a catalyst like a ceremony.
The other thing is that you may not be using Byron Katies technique correctly. I worked with someone else on the forum until they understood it. Again, I'm not guaranteeing it works, but I know how to use it properly and would be happy to work with you by email to make sure your using it correctly. Suck it up isn't really what it's about, it's discovering why you should suck it up by discovering the story that you made behind the scenes. It's not easy for the average reader to grasp that so it can require guidance. Drop me a pm if you want to do that.
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Edited by - karl on Jun 26 2012 03:43:34 AM |
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jeff
USA
971 Posts |
Posted - Jun 26 2012 : 08:23:20 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Bodhi Tree
Jesus is a great ishta. Buddha is a great ishta. Now...Jesus and Buddha sitting together...creating a super-Jesus-Buddha avatar...that's money.
The best thing about an ishta is that it can change and expand--it doesn't have to remain fixed. The ishta is only limited by your imagination, which is limitless.
Dare to dream.
You're way ahead of the curve already.
Great point on the "super" Ishta.  |
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maheswari
Lebanon
2520 Posts |
Posted - Jun 26 2012 : 2:15:17 PM
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very nice post BT
the ishta is definitely not the person/icon/saint etc we see...
He is the limitless...totally unpersonal |
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LittleTurtle
USA
342 Posts |
Posted - Jun 26 2012 : 5:23:49 PM
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| Yes! Yes! It finally landed on me that my Ishta can be anyone/anything. It has changed my experience entirely. |
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cosmic
USA
821 Posts |
Posted - Jun 26 2012 : 10:11:00 PM
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I agree with what's been said, especially by Bodhi
quote:
Originally posted by Chaz
I'm guessing Jesus would be my ishta, since that's what I've been raised on? I'm not quite sure yet.
I've felt that way at times, and the beauty is that ishta is personal and completely YOUR CHOICE. If you feel uncertain, or conflicted at all, I'd suggest relaxing about it.
There's not two Gods (or more) in the sky, vying for your attention, that's only in the mind. All ishtas are for the ego, but they point to something transcendent that has no ego.
Namaste [img]icon_heart.gif[/img] |
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
Posted - Jun 27 2012 : 12:05:23 AM
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So many wise souls in these AYP forums: cosmic, Little Turtle, maheswari, jeff, karl, Chaz, Holy, Kechari Confusion...Oh, and there's that one called Yogani...seems like he's been around the block!  |
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maheswari
Lebanon
2520 Posts |
Posted - Jun 27 2012 : 01:31:21 AM
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| seems that Yogani's efforts are not going down the drain |
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Chaz
USA
129 Posts |
Posted - Jun 28 2012 : 10:28:12 PM
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Very helpful. Much appreciation to everybody, you're all awesome, seriously!
I will look within to see who/what really resonates with me as my ishta. For now it's just "God" which is good enough for me.
Karl I will email you if I find I'm having any more trouble with The Work. Been sort of neglecting it for a while, so I should probably get back to reading it again. |
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Self-Inquiry Advice?
