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firebird1111
Germany
3 Posts |
 Posted - Dec 15 2023 : 10:06:29 AM
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Hello Dear Community,
The last few weeks for me have been quite eventful and troublesome. I really hope, someone can help me with my issue.
I don't really know where to start. There happened so much. If there is any information missing or unclear feel free to ask.
My background: I have always been a person who is too much in his head. I've been born 2 weeks too early and started running very early as well. As a young child, I had neurodermatitis very strong, now it normally appears only when I am stressed in connection with something very chemical, like specific laundry detergents or too much perfume and only on small isolated spots on my arms or legs. I always had fear of deep water (I am not a good swimmer) or movements head down like a somersault and a comparatively bad motor sense as well. My mother told me that my basic sense of trust has never really been good and that, sometimes, "some things concerning other people I just did not see." Status and success or what other people think about me in the past always have been very important to me, because I did not really understand myself. Astrologically spoken, my Rahu is only almost 1 degree apart from my ascendant, if helpful. But I always had high moral standards and never wanted to harm anyone and after phases of pride I always returned to the right path through self-reflection.
I've always been a very extraverted person and it has always been easy for me to make new acquaintances, but my friends say that I am too idealistic and credulous. That's probably why people often hurted my trust. Even if I got good childhood friends, therefore creating new deeper relationships has always been difficult to me after childhood.
Around 7 years ago I deeply got into the yoga philosophy and vedic astrology. Even if I meditated or did pranayama occasionally, I never really did Hatha yoga/asanas. I never used any illegal drugs, but in my youth, I drank a lot of alcohol on the weekends and I have been smoking tobacco for quite a long time now (but stopping it for a few months made everything worse).
During my year abroad (around 5 years ago), I had a very strong energetic experience (no illegal drugs in use and I did not drink alcohol on that day) while taking to a new friend under a tree next to the ocean (but he was not too much experienced in spirituality). He witnessed what I experienced. After that, I felt very joyful, euphoric and at ease experiencing a lot of synchronicities, understanding a lot of things which I never understood before and being very attractive to other people (even strangers) around me. It held on until I got back to a daily routine after about 1-2 months. But I never really understood the cause of this phenomenon.
Just one year ago, I started going to gym again after a break of around 7-8 years at that time. Getting more into my body, still following my earlier named "spiritual interests" and therefore having several spiritual insights, I developed a very strong kind of attraction concerning other people towards me (at the beginning, I thought it was due to my body language) in connection with a very strong libido in the last months. As mentioned earlier, I would never do something immoral, but I still got into a lot of misunderstandings and lighter paranoia because I felt so unsure about how "not to attract" other people. I noticed people talking about me a lot. Sometimes it was really what they said, sometimes it was not or I misinterpreted it. In addition to that, I trusted the wrong people at university, who covertly excluded me from the group after a few misunderstandings and kept secrets from me. They were not really interested in trying to understand or help me. My few attempts to restore harmony in the group made everything worse. I felt so lonely, full of irrational feelings of guilt and I could not talk to girls anymore properly, without having fear or doubts about possibly attract them in some way. Even stranger girls (most of the time, but not only) at the train station or in the bus were behaving strangely, playing demonstratively with their hair while standing next to me and oftentimes seeking my closeness. In the beginning I liked that, but it felt like it became kind of a curse. Furthermore, misunderstandings during that time also happened in my friend circle (it improved now again) and in my neighbourhood.
After my last try to restore harmony at my student group I felt so overwhelmed. This really got me into something like a psychosis, I was pale, could not breath normally, and my body posture was very cramped.
During that time, on one day I experienced strong energetic phenomena upwards the spine and one night before and one night afterwards my body was trembling while falling asleep.
During day I oftentimes heard people speaking about me when it absolutely was not the case and I was not more able to control my emotions properly while being amidst people. At the peak I even had irrational suspicions towards my closer family.
Going for long walks, staying away from university, and avoiding strangers in general helped me a lot to recover a bit. Apart from my delusional perception caused by my subconscious I also had developed a very strong sense of intuition and synchronicity. It seemed like I was experiencing a movie, but I could not really distinguish what to be true and what to be illusory (if you know the movie "Big Fish", that's kind of how my life felt like).
I arranged a meeting with a shamanic healer online via zoom. It was astonishing, because she seemed to know more things about me than even myself and could even explain why I suffered from chronic freezing in my life. She said that my lower chakras were pretty stuck and that, concerning spirituality I should "go back to elementary school" first, before moving on and that I should do a lot of "earthy stuff." I should be careful that I don't get into a serious psychosis and should look for a psychologist, what I did after that.
After that, I had a lot of deep conversations with my family and my closest friends. I did a lot of work at our household, went into nature, or worked in our garden, did and ate grounding things and did a bit of Bhakti yoga. Furthermore, I read books about transpersonal psychology which really helps me to develop a stronger inner core of identity. I am also still going to my psychologist once a week, who also gives me more practical tips (I did not speak much with her about the spiritual aspects).
I realized, that, in the past, I put too much value on the wrong things in life and I want to life a more humble, fulfilling, and spiritual life from now on which is less status oriented. I want to take on more responsibility and I even want to study or work something different, because I realised, that what I study does not represent some of my most inner values. And I want to have more grounding in my life. Somehow, a lot of things concerning status now feel superficial and empty for me.
Now to my question: I realised, that now, life is again much easier for me, except, I am amidst other people for too long, which is very draining for me. The reason is, that I not only have doubts, fears, irrational feelings of guilt, but also have problems with distinction between me and other people. I tend to feel their feelings as they were mine and to relate everything they do, say, or not say to myself as I would suffer from an identity loss. And my own emotional reactions to the feelings perceived are very strong. This really is my biggest problem and I do not know how to deal with it properly, especially because I have always been a very extraverted person. Furthermore, I react internally very strongly to other people's sexual energy (I am aroused easily) and they possibly to mine (as I said, I do not really know what is true and what not). Even if I do not find them attractive. Paradoxically, when I am on my own, I do not deal with that issue. I usually do not think much about sexuality at all.
Furthermore, I noticed that - apart from my family knowing about my situation - I really miss deeper friendships with people who share the same interests or are going through the same process like me (with my childhood friends I talk about other things) and someone who can give me advice on my spiritual journey.
What can I do?
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Edited by - firebird1111 on Dec 15 2023 12:22:42 PM |
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Dogboy
USA
2294 Posts |
Posted - Dec 16 2023 : 02:32:24 AM
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Hello Firebird, welcome 
It seems you have had a taste of your shushumna "opening up", and that you have more sensitivity than most, so I would continue to incorporate grounding (as your psychologist correctly suggested) in your everyday routine. This is when you found clarity and stability, a godsend for the sensitive yogi.
As you did not mention a meditation practice, I would suggest you find one, or use the free lessons available on this site (https://www.aypsite.org/10.html). By freeing yourself from the outside world through a half hour, twice a day meditation practice, over time you may find this inward experience help you find more silence in your thought process, a better ability to witness your thoughts and inquire of them their patterns and truths, and to manage the ones that are particularly intrusive. A dedicated meditation practice will also unlock innner blockages and prepare your system to handle another opening experience you may have. Witnessing your thoughts also can provide a buffer from acting emotionally or misbehavior; with access to inner silence we find space between the words, and one can have the confidence (through a dedicated, established meditation practice) to know the answer are always found within, it just takes time, desire, and patience to discover our true selves.
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firebird1111
Germany
3 Posts |
Posted - Dec 16 2023 : 12:55:09 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Dogboy
Hello Firebird, welcome
It seems you have had a taste of your shushumna "opening up", and that you have more sensitivity than most, so I would continue to incorporate grounding (as your psychologist correctly suggested) in your everyday routine. This is when you found clarity and stability, a godsend for the sensitive yogi.
As you did not mention a meditation practice, I would suggest you find one, or use the free lessons available on this site (https://www.aypsite.org/10.html). By freeing yourself from the outside world through a half hour, twice a day meditation practice, over time you may find this inward experience help you find more silence in your thought process, a better ability to witness your thoughts and inquire of them their patterns and truths, and to manage the ones that are particularly intrusive. A dedicated meditation practice will also unlock innner blockages and prepare your system to handle another opening experience you may have. Witnessing your thoughts also can provide a buffer from acting emotionally or misbehavior; with access to inner silence we find space between the words, and one can have the confidence (through a dedicated, established meditation practice) to know the answer are always found within, it just takes time, desire, and patience to discover our true selves.
Hey Dogboy,
Thank you very much for your advice. I very appreciate it. And it is good to know that the grounding part really is that important. In the past, I never looked at things like Hatha Yoga very seriously, because it seemed to me as being very mainstream. But now I get the point that it probably is mainly about grounding oneself and I now experienced what can happen, if that foundation is missing.
Concerning meditation itself, it works very well for me, - when I actually do it. But I really lack the daily routine and rarely did it longer than 20 minutes. So I will follow your advice and hence, my next goal will be being able to do it regularly, twice a day for 30 minutes.
Furthermore, distinguishing between what is true (conscious) and what is more subjective (subconscious) sounds very sensible to me. I realised recently, that spirituality seems to be not about miracles too much, but more about getting a more proper and deeper conscious understanding of how reality really works through developing more awareness and through taming one's (always subjective) mind. I hope, I am able to consolidate that insight.
Have a nice weekend!
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Edited by - firebird1111 on Dec 16 2023 1:56:43 PM |
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SeySorciere
Seychelles
1571 Posts |
Posted - Dec 17 2023 : 07:27:38 AM
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Dear Firebird,
If you decide to follow the AYP deep meditation suggested by Dogboy above, please start with only 20 mins of meditation as recommended in the lesson. It is not about how long you meditate and - Deep meditation is a very powerful technique, you may even find 20 mins is too much - but building a twice daily routine.
Instructions to the technique is in lesson 13
Sey 
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Edited by - SeySorciere on Dec 17 2023 07:28:39 AM |
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interpaul
USA
551 Posts |
Posted - Dec 17 2023 : 7:16:53 PM
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| Firebird, Welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear of your struggles. You paint a complicated picture here. There are many elements that are hard to distill their significance without knowing you better. Whereas many of the experiences you are having may be related to a spiritual awakening, others may be more in the psychological realm. Since you have reached out to your therapist and a shamanic healer you are already taking action to gain perspective and I'd encourage you to share more of your inner experience with your therapist. If you sense your therapist will pathologize your spiritual experiences you may need someone who understands that territory. It goes back to that joke about the person who thinks everyones out to get them, sometimes paranoia is related to real threats in the world, sometimes it is delusional. Are you having delusional thoughts of your connection about other people or are they actually picking up on some of your spiritual energy. I have known a few people who have had these very experiences and they often have overlapping qualities. Discerning this may be a lifelong process. Keep at it, reach out here as needed and good luck. |
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firebird1111
Germany
3 Posts |
Posted - Dec 18 2023 : 11:18:27 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by SeySorciere
Dear Firebird,
If you decide to follow the AYP deep meditation suggested by Dogboy above, please start with only 20 mins of meditation as recommended in the lesson. It is not about how long you meditate and - Deep meditation is a very powerful technique, you may even find 20 mins is too much - but building a twice daily routine.
Instructions to the technique is in lesson 13
Sey
Hello Sey,
Thank you a lot for your tip. Then I will better start with 20min per meditation session. I just listened to the lessons earlier to lesson 13 and am going to try now the techniques described in lesson 13.
quote:
Originally posted by interpaul
Firebird, Welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear of your struggles. You paint a complicated picture here. There are many elements that are hard to distill their significance without knowing you better. Whereas many of the experiences you are having may be related to a spiritual awakening, others may be more in the psychological realm. Since you have reached out to your therapist and a shamanic healer you are already taking action to gain perspective and I'd encourage you to share more of your inner experience with your therapist. If you sense your therapist will pathologize your spiritual experiences you may need someone who understands that territory. It goes back to that joke about the person who thinks everyones out to get them, sometimes paranoia is related to real threats in the world, sometimes it is delusional. Are you having delusional thoughts of your connection about other people or are they actually picking up on some of your spiritual energy. I have known a few people who have had these very experiences and they often have overlapping qualities. Discerning this may be a lifelong process. Keep at it, reach out here as needed and good luck.
Hello interpaul,
Yes, I think that actually is the main issue. It's pretty complicated for me to differentiate, because I do not want to interpret anything wrongly or to accuse anyone wrongly and there definitely are some components to the situation which are more illusionary. But not everything.
Though, concerning these misunderstandings, for example, according some people I really had a bad gut feeling and I can not really see a positive reason according to their actions. But as someone very wise said to me a few years ago: "Who am I to assume something bad about someone else?" That does not mean, that I should not be careful. Quite the opposite. But perhaps, I will have to accept that I will never understand what actually happened totally, especially concerning some of these misunderstandings.
That's why I want, as you also said, to follow more an undogmatic approach, viewing the problem at the same time scientifically and as well from the spiritual and the yoga perspective. Even from the astrological perspective (which actually belongs to yoga as well) I gained several really good hints for self-reflection. And all of these approaches, astoundingly, make sense together very complementary. They do not contradict each other, but rather form a more better resolution of the whole picture. I definitely made some mistakes and I want to use this whole situation for personal growth. Maybe it is a blessing, even though a painful one.
Concerning my psychologist, I think she is open-minded to a certain degree, so I will have to find out. Sadly, there are not many psychologists/psychiatrists who follow transpersonal psychology or of those who are very better familiar with Jungian concepts like synchronicities and his views on the spiritual realm.
Thank you all for your blessings and for your welcome! |
Edited by - firebird1111 on Dec 18 2023 4:14:57 PM |
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