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hemanthks
Canada
59 Posts |
 Posted - Nov 21 2010 : 02:52:58 AM
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Regrets of the Dying
http://ben.casnocha.com/2010/11/reg...aign=Feed%3A
Bronnie Ware works in pallitative care -- with patients near the end of their life. In this post, she writes powerfully about the the top regrets that have surfaced again and again from her patients on their death beds. I've pasted the list of five below.
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn't work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying. |
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Neesha
215 Posts |
Posted - Nov 21 2010 : 07:30:08 AM
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Wow,
This is nice and so true....I really need to print this! Thanks |
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cosmic
USA
821 Posts |
Posted - Nov 21 2010 : 2:46:42 PM
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Thank you so much for this, hemanthks 
quote:
Originally posted by hemanthks
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all.
Reading this fills me with both gratitude and sadness. I can relate to it because I used to live by others' expectations, and I thank God I broke out of it while still "relatively" young-ish (am 33 now). It saddens me that others take this to their deathbed, I cannot imagine living another 30-40 years like that.
Also very humbling, since it was grace alone that got me out of it.
May all people live and love fully.
Love
cosmic |
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Kirtanman
USA
1651 Posts |
Posted - Nov 21 2010 : 9:26:40 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by cosmic
May all people live and love fully.
Yes.
May all people live and love fully.
Unfulfilling living isn't actually living.
Unfulfilling loving isn't actually loving.
How do we get to enjoy the beautiful reality of living and loving fully?
Practice(s), Practice(s), Practice(s).
Wholeheartedly,
Kirtanman |
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hemanthks
Canada
59 Posts |
Posted - Nov 21 2010 : 9:58:40 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by cosmic
Thank you so much for this, hemanthks
You are welcome Cosmic
quote:
Reading this fills me with both gratitude and sadness. I can relate to it because I used to live by others' expectations, and I thank God I broke out of it while still "relatively" young-ish (am 33 now). It saddens me that others take this to their deathbed, I cannot imagine living another 30-40 years like that.
Love
cosmic
I am really happy that you broke out of it . I get confused, as I don't know if I am living by other expectations or according to my own and sometimes the worst thing is I am not sure what I want. If possible please do expand more on your experience.
Namaste
Hemanth |
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cosmic
USA
821 Posts |
Posted - Nov 23 2010 : 12:13:11 AM
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Hello Hemanth
quote:
Originally posted by hemanthks
If possible please do expand more on your experience.
Sure, I'm happy to expand on it. My case was extreme. From a very young age, I felt this deep fear of not being accepted by others. I became a self-sacrificing "nice guy" in order to try to please others. I hid my true feelings and opinions, out of fear of judgement and confrontation. I hid my desires and dreams. The fear of confrontation and exposure were so strong that I withdrew myself from my own life, from my loved ones.
Being a people-pleaser made me a magnet for people with stronger personalities. I got trapped in this relationship dynamic where I would allow others to dominate me. And so they did. Didn't have the courage to say "no" or stand up for myself, or even to express my true self. It was agonizing because I saw this dynamic to some degree in every relationship I had, and saw no way out.
Only within the last few years did I start to break loose of this. It was very painful and chaotic at first, but I'm so happy I went through it. I really like that saying "The only way out of Hell is through" because I can relate to it. AYP was my way through this Hell. Without it, I'd probably still be there, with no will to live.
Now, I no longer get stuck in that dynamic. My relationships are on a much more equal playing field. Even the people who previously bossed me around have changed. I feel loved and respected. I can say "no" to people, but find that I still help and serve people. The difference now is that I do so freely, out of Love, and there is no sense of constriction anymore because I'm being true to myself.
Best of all, my happiness doesn't require anything. What makes me happy is to love. And I can't turn that off.
Don't know how helpful any of this is. Hope I didn't expand too much.
quote:
Originally posted by hemanthks
I get confused, as I don't know if I am living by other expectations or according to my own and sometimes the worst thing is I am not sure what I want.
An easy way to know you're living by others' expectations is that you feel internal resistance whenever you do something for another person. You'll feel conflicted even doing small things. There can be hesitation, over-analyzing your choices, feeling guilty after the fact. Not being able to say "no" to someone is a sure sign.
Ultimately, your heart knows if you're being true to yourself. Life is meant to be lived openly, freely, without constriction.
Much Love to you, Hemanth
Love
cosmic |
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cosmic
USA
821 Posts |
Posted - Nov 23 2010 : 12:15:07 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Kirtanman
Practice(s), Practice(s), Practice(s).
Yes, Yes, Yes!
I'll have what you're having   |
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bewell
1275 Posts |
Posted - Nov 23 2010 : 04:44:45 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by cosmic
I went through it. I really like that saying "The only way out of Hell is through" because I can relate to it. AYP was my way through this Hell. Without it, I'd probably still be there, with no will to live.
Now, I no longer get stuck in that dynamic. My relationships are on a much more equal playing field.
cosmic
The authenticity shines through.
Be
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hemanthks
Canada
59 Posts |
Posted - Nov 23 2010 : 3:55:21 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by cosmic
Sure, I'm happy to expand on it. My case was extreme. From a very young age, I felt this deep fear of not being accepted by others. I became a self-sacrificing "nice guy" in order to try to please others. I hid my true feelings and opinions, out of fear of judgement and confrontation. I hid my desires and dreams. The fear of confrontation and exposure were so strong that I withdrew myself from my own life, from my loved ones.
Being a people-pleaser made me a magnet for people with stronger personalities. I got trapped in this relationship dynamic where I would allow others to dominate me.
Thank You Cosmic, You pretty much summed-up my life story there!! All things you said above are 100% true in my case. I am realizing my patterns slowly. Now my greatest problem is I have no idea as what I really want/ and even if there are desires, I self-doubt it very much if I can achieve it. All I knew till these years, is to take back seat in everything, going with the majority opinions, and trying to be always a nice guy. I stepped in to my 30s this year, and I think its high time, to figure out things for myself.
Are there any particular practices that you did (or recommend)during this time?
Coming few months are very important to me. Some major changes are happening, and hope I can stay true to myself.
quote:
An easy way to know you're living by others' expectations is that you feel internal resistance whenever you do something for another person. You'll feel conflicted even doing small things. There can be hesitation, over-analyzing your choices, feeling guilty after the fact. Not being able to say "no" to someone is a sure sign.
I have experienced all the above. I am learning to say no and sometimes I feel guilty of saying "no" too. Saying no makes me feel selfish later. I hope to tread the way fairly.
quote:
Ultimately, your heart knows if you're being true to yourself. Life is meant to be lived openly, freely, without constriction.
Much Love to you, Hemanth
Thank You again Cosmic. I really hope to live life to the fullest.
Namaste
Hemanth |
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cosmic
USA
821 Posts |
Posted - Nov 24 2010 : 01:16:28 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by bewell
The authenticity shines through.
Thank you bewell [img]icon_heart.gif[/img]
Hi Hemanth
It's really wonderful that you're seeing your old patterns. It's a good sign that you're moving towards more self-awareness. If you keep practicing, the rest will take care of itself in time. Knowing what you truly want will happen. The doubts will fall away on their own. Just be kind to yourself during this time.
quote:
Originally posted by hemanthks
Are there any particular practices that you did (or recommend)during this time?
Just the main AYP practices (SBP, DM, and Samyama). And refusing to give up. I wanted to quit AYP several times. But that was just old self-sabotage patterns trying to keep the ego in control.
Besides that, surrender. Put it in God's hands, or whatever your idea of a higher power is. Just practice, live your life, and leave the rest to God (or whatever).
quote:
Originally posted by hemanthks
Coming few months are very important to me. Some major changes are happening, and hope I can stay true to myself.
That's great, man. You can do it! Beautiful things are happening
Love
cosmic |
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bewell
1275 Posts |
Posted - Nov 24 2010 : 02:32:13 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by cosmic
Besides that, surrender. Put it in God's hands, or whatever your idea of a higher power is. Just practice, live your life, and leave the rest to God (or whatever).
Well put, cosmic. Doing our practices is doing what the dying who die well do: trust the process in the face of mystery. |
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hemanthks
Canada
59 Posts |
Posted - Nov 25 2010 : 12:08:12 AM
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Thank you for those encouraging words Cosmic. I will stick to my practices, and hope for the best.
Namaste
Hemanth |
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Regrets of the Dying
