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atena
113 Posts |
 Posted - Sep 21 2009 : 3:03:39 PM
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I've gotten pretty bored and depressed with almost every aspect of life recently. Bored of spirituality and opening(s). Totally bored with the dynamics how people react to me and still never being able to find out what's my role in that. I hate my role in especially social life. Bored with the idea of always being more self responsible, and not seeing anything interesting in return, bored with the idea of surrender. Depressed by the fact that everything worthwhile requires some level of effort, and therefore motivation. Always striving to do the best I can but never being content, needless to mention that I'm also depressed by that.
Ugh, and this whining is getting boring too 
I hope I'm getting past this soon enough. This sucks...
Yeah, and also it is depressing that I always seem to get on forums the role of asshole that needs to be ignored, even when I'm trying to help, (needless to say I've totally lost interest in that also), or the role of whiner which is voicing itself now 
Life isn't fair and that is the fairness of it... blahblah, how boring is that, too 
ZZZzzz... |
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Sparkle
Ireland
1457 Posts |
Posted - Sep 21 2009 : 3:18:52 PM
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Hi Atena
This sounds quite familiar to me as a phase I go through from time to time.
I find it quite interesting when I step back from it and see my thinking mind getting me all tangled up with these mind stories. It is surely exhausting and depressing
Twice daily practice of AYP Deep Meditation and Spinal Breathing (if doing this) is a great base to form in your life.
Combined with this the practice of coming back to the present moment throughout the day is a great gift when one is like you have described.
What happens me is that the mind stories get so great and so exhausting that when the daily AYP practice are in place with mindful living, a shift occurs deeply into the present moment and the load suddenly lightens and disappears.
This take practice of course, and that's the bottom line.
Hope that helps
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Sep 21 2009 : 3:45:20 PM
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Hi atena,
Thank you for your post. I think it's something moving in the cosmos and the collective since a couple of weeks back, cause both me and some of my more sensitive friends are also deep down in these kinds of mind junk at the moment with very similar symptoms! It's one of the worst dips I've been through...
Sparkle, great post, thanks. My problem, though, is that it's too far out to even consider doing any practices of mindfulness or staying "awake" during these periods. Just doesn't happen. The mind would never come up with the motivation to do it!
I do remain the twice daily meditation, though, but it's suffered through with a total lack of interest. When I brush my teeth I at least have the interest of keeping my mouth hygiene in proper order. When I do meditation it's only because I'm indoctrinated with AYP and have a core belief that the meditation eventually will save me, whether I'm earnest or not... That core belief is probably false and I'm doing it in vain, but what the heck... what else is possible?
What happens to me when I'm exhausted to the max, is that I cry helplessly, everything stops and emptiness is felt, my automatic movements starts and it almost always moves my hand to stroke my hair, like a mother does with her child. It's absurd to do it on "myself" like that, but it makes me soften, relax and afterwards there's a little lighter for a while. Until I remember that those automatic movements and openings are what brings even more energy (read masses of sh*t and overload) into my life and that I am recommended to not go into them, so I start resisting the opening and cursing the automatic movements... And I'm trapped again in a limbo land where I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't give in to what is. And the exhaustion seems to be endless... and the depression gets deeper.
As you say, Atena, it's boring. It's super boring. All of it. |
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littlejerry
USA
60 Posts |
Posted - Sep 21 2009 : 3:53:17 PM
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| lol i'm sorry i keep posting this advice... focus on your breath during the day. This is practice. Sitting and meditating twice a day is also practice... whatever works... works... hum one of the other post was by carsonzi... i told him the same thing... he was "narrating" his daily activities. Anyway i hope you become motivated for truth... or whatever it is your seeking. |
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atena
113 Posts |
Posted - Sep 21 2009 : 5:39:48 PM
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Kinda nice to know I'm not the only one who has gone, or is going this kind of stuff, but ofcoz not wishing this for anyone. Actually writing just what I did eased that feeling a bit. Can totally relate to the complete lack of motivation to more openings, being mindful, paying more attention etc.
When the mind is overactive because of excessive energy it feels natural to redirect attention to something other than keep focus on thinking, and it totally works, but also for me, lack of energy is a bit different ballgame. I've either sunk to state of total torpor and then sleep, or tried not to care much, or done some qiqong... more opening... 
Yeah, the limbo land...
3 months since I did deep meditation and the effect of that is still doings its thing relentlessly, or boringly, believe it or not. |
Edited by - atena on Sep 21 2009 5:41:14 PM |
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Ananda
3115 Posts |
Posted - Sep 22 2009 : 12:18:10 AM
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hi all, and i can't tell you anything dear Emc and Atena except that we all go through such phases...
in the past i used to get carried away with these phases but now it's different... i know they'll pass no matter how long they take... i just surrender and watch it all as scenery and let it go into silence and accept what God has put me through and put it in his hands...
Oh and don't worry i am too tired and bored from experiences here as well and from the time this path has taken already (and it's short in comparison to others around here)... i want enlightenment to a point where it hurts... but i can do nothing but to surrender my fate to God and practice daily and keep on seeking until this seeker of mine is really exhausted and dissolved... i have an awareness now that the path towards self realization is one hell of a one and it involves a great deal of pain joy and surrender... but taking the glimpses i've got in consideration it's all worth it if one comes into clear seeing in the end... and i feel blessed to be in this beautiful community and to be in the presence of Yogani who is very clear and honest concerning the expectations and the time line concerning this path most of us here have undertaken...
nothing to do but let go and let God... and live each moment in the now as much as we can... Loving Acceptance is the key (in active surrender all really changes...)
i suggest doing some sports or going up to the mountains or the beach in order to change moods...
namaste brothers and sisters |
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Sparkle
Ireland
1457 Posts |
Posted - Sep 24 2009 : 09:41:14 AM
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Hi emc
quote:
Sparkle, great post, thanks. My problem, though, is that it's too far out to even consider doing any practices of mindfulness or staying "awake" during these periods. Just doesn't happen. The mind would never come up with the motivation to do it!
The thing about it is, there is a paradox here.
On the one hand you want to get out of this state.
On the other hand, mindfulness of this state you are in right now i.e bored, depressed and de-motivated ~ is exactly where you are and therefore that is exactly where you put your gentle, kind and non-judgemental attention. The paradox means that there is no particular wish or desire to move out of this state - rather to be curious with your awareness of it - as it is in your body - heart - mind.
By forgetting about the mind stories of what life might be like and just simply accepting the way you actually are right now ~ is in fact the only sane thing to do ~ after all "this is it".
It is in the "trying" to be something else other than the depressed bored person that you may be now that can be the cause of the seemingly endless stress and suffering.
What does it feel like in your body, stay with that, accept it with gentle curiosity and keep accepting it with gentle curiosity. There is actually nothing else. Bliss is for the birds, if this is not our present state - forget about it, if it happens it happens.
Mind stories of what it might be like sometime in the future or what it was like in the past are irrelevant here.
What is ~ is, right now
Be gentle and curious |
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Sep 24 2009 : 5:14:51 PM
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Louis, I truly appreciate your kindness and your wish to share your beautiful insights! I can see the paradox you are describing! However, I don't know how I can explain the feeling when being in that particular state of mind... A lot of others have also recommended similar things, and I wish to explain more about what lack of motivation really means, not particularly to you, but to all readers... It's like the threashold to climb over is huge in order to:
quote:
put your gentle, kind and non-judgemental attention.
somewhere or
quote:
be curious with your awareness of it
or
quote:
stay with that, accept it
Simple things like that is exactly what is impossible to do! To say to me when I'm in that state "just feel your body, or focus on your breath " is equal to saying to a person in a wheelchair "Let's play football!". Nobody would do that, since it's obvious it won't happen, right? For many it's difficult to see the parallell with mental blockages. Having a mental lack of motivation is like having no legs. To move the awareness or attention into anything but what is spinning in the mind at the moment is just not happening. There is no motor making the move to shift attention to anything but believing in the current mind story. There is most of the time no rememberance of the possibility to shift attention while being absorbed in something very important to fix or a problem to worry about or to pity oneself etc etc. Or no incitament to make the move even if the memory of the possibility to shift attention would be there. There are no legs to run with, no awareness to move, cause it's utterly and fully misidentified as being the sufferer/victim who at the moment can not be aware.
What happens is I go on being mindy as hell, complain and write angry boring posts in forum, create more hell, and I truly let that be as it IS - not trying to put my attention anywhere else than where it is: absorbed in the mind story, believing life is hell and making it hell. Until something snaps me out of it!
With a little experience now, I've learned these phases might mean I'm picking up the cosmic moves, so somewhere deep down, I know it's some type of purification happening...
In line with that, I just found this topic http://www.aypsite.org/forum/topic....OPIC_ID=6394 and was glad to see that my sense that it's something happening in cosmos seemed to be accurate. It has been a rough period for a couple of weeks for many, and just the latest days it's suddenly a great deal lighter, for me as well!
I truly hope Atena got some sense of those positive vibes coming in lately! |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Sep 24 2009 : 6:44:36 PM
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I get what you were (are?) feeling emc. I go through similar if not the same thing.
I have talked about one such experience here.
I call it the phase of being lost in the 100 acre woods.
I had talked about it here: http://www.aypsite.org/forum/topic....D=6299#56536
quote:
Originally posted by Shanti
Before practices.. it's like your mind has a 100 acres filled with thoughts. When you start meditation, the 100 acre increases to maybe 200 acres with 100 acres of thoughts and 100 acres of silence. As you keep going, you experience your mind as 100,000 acres with 100 acres of thoughts. The 100 acres of thoughts stays there always, that is what the mind does.. but the silence increases and so the thoughts seem like a tiny spec in that vast silence.
However, when I am lost in the 100 acre woods, silence seems out of reach. When someone says "be here now" it annoys me.. because when lost in the 100 acres, "here now" is a concept that I have no accesses to. Most times I live in the 100,000 acres of silence, and the 100 acres is out there somewhere.. but when caught in the 100 acres.. it's no use trying to fight it.. just go with what happens.. the more I try to fight it.. the longer my stay in the 100 acre woods becomes. And then like magic I am out of those woods and all is fine again. 
The only thing that I have found is that, my physical state, sick, tired, PMS, overworked, diet, lack of exercise, lack of sleep, very busy schedule, taking on more work than I can handle, make my visits to the 100 acre woods more probable. But I cannot always say that is true. (Guess that is why Patanjali starts off with yamas and niyamas.. a good diet, living right all adds to keeping the mind more steady).
When in it.. I allow things to happen as they do. After my heart filling experience, I don't suffer thru these visits, but they are not fun.. and yet I have stopped wishing I was out of it or in it or around it.. I am here, things happen and then silence.. yay!!! |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Sep 24 2009 : 7:33:12 PM
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PS: Just want to add, I am not talking about silence and non-silence in meditation. Meditation is generally very deep even during these phases, however during the 100 acre woods visits, when I am out of meditation, the mindy phase comes back.
PPS: Also, at these times, it's like the universe conspires against you. All the things that can trigger the deep conditionings we have are sent our way. It is a perfect time to realize how much of our conditioning we have dropped, and yet it also shows us how much conditioning still has a hold on us and how deep conditioning really runs. |
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atena
113 Posts |
Posted - Sep 24 2009 : 8:01:14 PM
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Yeah, got also some of those good vibes coming
Can totally relate to what you said and understand the frustration of being misunderstood too well personally. I've learned to recognize the obvious cases when I'm not being understood and not to take that personally (most of the time). People are often trying to help out of good will, but the pieces of puzzle they offer rarely fit where 'they are supposed to go'. When that happens, I know it is their idea of me they're trying to help, but not reaching the actual me, or something else that doesn't have anything to do with me. I don't give the ones who misunderstand the power to define myself. They aren't doing that on purpose. I'll rather be myself, and try not to worry what kind of images and scenarios people might put 'me' in their heads
I just use the forums, etc for my own purposes and don't even give a second thought about giving some kind of 'real' image of myself, very likely even to a point of being a total jackass about that
Not that I don't want to learn 101 of effective communication, I just don't how and from where to even begin, or continue 
Thanks for sharing your frustration, might have just learned something important about my self-centered self-image!
Hmmm... this stuff needs some careful reflecting |
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cosmic
USA
821 Posts |
Posted - Sep 25 2009 : 01:31:46 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by emc
What happens is I go on being mindy as hell, complain and write angry boring posts in forum, create more hell, and I truly let that be as it IS - not trying to put my attention anywhere else than where it is: absorbed in the mind story, believing life is hell and making it hell. Until something snaps me out of it!
SNAP!
Sorry emc, that's all I have. You're in my heart.
Peace
cosmic |
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Sparkle
Ireland
1457 Posts |
Posted - Sep 25 2009 : 03:38:46 AM
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Hi emc
I do have my own story of deep depression of the first seven years after I started meditation, and appreciate fully what you say about the wheelchair and the no leg thing.
Unlike you though I did not have or want access to a system or contributions by anyone about where I was at, I suppose I was too proud, even in the good times.(but that's also tied in with the religious conditioning I had previously).(I also recognise that pride is still in me, just in case anyone here happens to be thinking that)
As I read your last post, I was really struck at how aware you are of the whole process and what is going on for you, I know I had nothing like that kind of awareness in those times.
Yesterday was the 250th anniversary of Auther Guinness. So I raise a pint of the black stuff to you and wish you lightness, dance and joy.
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Sep 26 2009 : 02:16:37 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Shanti
The only thing that I have found is that, my physical state, sick, tired, PMS, overworked, diet, lack of exercise, lack of sleep, very busy schedule, taking on more work than I can handle, make my visits to the 100 acre woods more probable. But I cannot always say that is true. (Guess that is why Patanjali starts off with yamas and niyamas.. a good diet, living right all adds to keeping the mind more steady).
Great post, Shanti. I also like the metaphore of the 100 acres...
And the above quote gave me an insight... It feels like I haven't got my life straight yet, and there are sooo many things to fix in order to try to stabilize all the things you mention above. It takes a lot of hard work to get some balance when workload is always high, and dutys outside work prevent good food, exercise and enough sleep... Don't even know where to start. I always thought that was a result of a spinning mind - the outer is merely a reflection of the inner... I never saw it as a possible cause behind the spinning mind. Interesting twist! Thanks!
quote:
Originally posted by atena
Can totally relate to what you said and understand the frustration of being misunderstood too well personally. I've learned to recognize the obvious cases when I'm not being understood and not to take that personally (most of the time). People are often trying to help out of good will, but the pieces of puzzle they offer rarely fit where 'they are supposed to go'. When that happens, I know it is their idea of me they're trying to help, but not reaching the actual me, or something else that doesn't have anything to do with me. I don't give the ones who misunderstand the power to define myself. They aren't doing that on purpose. I'll rather be myself, and try not to worry what kind of images and scenarios people might put 'me' in their heads
Agree! My instinct on top of that is to immedeatily start teaching so they get it right! Most often people will present their own projections based on their own exeperiences, as you describe, and I often start teaching about how projections works... sigh... *work damage*
And by the way, I appreciate you are a jackass at forum, so I'm not the only one. Thank you again for starting this topic.
quote:
Originally posted by Sparkle
As I read your last post, I was really struck at how aware you are of the whole process and what is going on for you, I know I had nothing like that kind of awareness in those times.
You didn't have AYP in those days - I've had it from the start! Some say "I've been to hell and back". Well... I've been to heaven and fell back, that's where the awareness comes from. I know what it is to be totally out of my mind so I'm painfully aware of when I'm lost in mind. So it's like Adyashanti writes in "The end of your world":
quote:
... we vacillate between our true nature and our imagined sense of self - back and forth, back and forth. This can be very disconcerting and can feel schizophrenic in a way. We've seen the deeper reality of things, and then we find ourselves back in the dream state. Part of us still knows the deeper reality; part of us knows that the egoic structure isn't true. Part of us knows that whatever our mind believes, whatever interpretation it is making, is literally nothing but a dream in the mind and body. But the gravitational force of the dream state can still be very strong. Even as we know the truth of our being, we can still find ourselves believeing in ego. While we may know that a thought has no validity, is absolutely untrue, we may find ourselves believing it anyway.
Before we awakened, we either believed a thought or we didn't believe a thought; that's all we knew. It was one or the other. But after a glimpse of awakening, things can become very strange. We may believe a thought and not believe a thought simultaneously...
- - -
Some teachers would say that if awakening vacillates, then it is not true awakening. I'm not one of them, for reasons I've already described. If we have seen the truth, we have seen the truth. Whether we've seen it for two seconds or for two thousand years, it's the same truth.
quote:
... vacillation can be very painful. In fact, it is much more painful to act in a way that we know is not true once we've seen that it is not true. Before we may have acted in ways that were based in untruth, but we didn't know it - we were totally in the dream state. - - - There's a much more accurate sense of whether we're moving or speaking or even thinking from truth or not. When we act from a place of untruth anyway, in spite of our knowing, it's much more painful than when we didn't know our actions were untrue, it causes an inner division that is vastly more painful than when we said the same thing and thought it was true.
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Edited by - emc on Sep 26 2009 02:28:00 AM |
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christiane
Lebanon
319 Posts |
Posted - Sep 26 2009 : 05:47:46 AM
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Much Love to you Atena and Emc...
I'm gona say something that will maybe sound plain, but
I mean it deeply:
after the darkest hole comes the most luminous light..
Also I appreciate people who call a cat a cat (or the jackasses as you said)..
Thank you for the transparency and sharing..
we are all one...
Love.......and hug. |
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Akasha
421 Posts |
Posted - Sep 26 2009 : 11:04:08 AM
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Hi emc,
I remember you saying during one of your disenchanted periods about a month ago charcterised perhaps by doubt and vacillation.. that..... you'd blink and indeed wonder where in fact you were on this whole enlightenement journey/trip.Had you travellened soomewhere?.If indeed anywhere at all.
I think we can all relate to this,myself included.I have had these moments after sitting.
I think you'd just visited a spiritual teacher in London and related how you were feeling a bit deflated/depressed.And then a certain poster chimed in and said ,welll some teachers go in for annihilation of the ego, but we don't do that here however.They may have an agenda or learnt that way themself etc.
You also added that it seemd like you always had to invest more tapas,(effort),than most folk to reap the fruits of your own sadhana, and that your bhakti(motivation) was running low too.
This all sounds familiar.
I appreciate you sharing as some of those doubts and doldrum blues phases (as many have recounted same here- must be contagious :@))are not peculiar to you, so you are not alone.
As C. says- it's not where you are, but what you are.
Also as S. says-There is alot of inner silence real estate if you know where to look for it, and you ca n get out of the woods.
You should try Global DM (at weekends) if you can fit it in. Stockholm- 5.15pm
Happy Days
P.s Christiane- a spade is a spade , but a cat is definitely a cuddly smaller-sized dog, not doubt about it....]
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Edited by - Akasha on Sep 26 2009 11:06:38 AM |
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christiane
Lebanon
319 Posts |
Posted - Sep 26 2009 : 2:22:26 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Akasha
[
P.s Christiane- a spade is a spade , but a cat is definitely a cuddly smaller-sized dog, not doubt about it....]
I translated it from a french expression!
Now I'm improving my english thanks to you ;) |
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Akasha
421 Posts |
Posted - Sep 26 2009 : 11:42:17 PM
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Feel free to school me anytime.My first language is English and i never stop grappliing with it.
And thanks for gracing the forum with your mesmerising charm,goddess love and captivating beauty... .....
I am honoured. |
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christiane
Lebanon
319 Posts |
Posted - Sep 27 2009 : 11:43:23 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Akasha
Feel free to school me anytime.My first language is English and i never stop grappliing with it.
And thanks for gracing the forum with your mesmerising charm,goddess love and captivating beauty........
I am honoured.
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Bored and depressed
