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Roxy
USA
30 Posts |
 Posted - Mar 24 2010 : 11:38:13 AM
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I'm nervous about opening up on my internal experience with ecstatic conductivity and whole body mudra.
It would be helpful to see what others say, but I do not have the AYP-conversant human resources to walk me through the forum inter-actively over the phone, or a printout of a good representative sampling. Any ideas?
Also, any ideas on how to get rid of siddhis, particularly the intrusive hoppin in one's meditation seat.
Is it OK to talk about my struggles?
Anandatandava
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Roxy
USA
30 Posts |
Posted - Mar 24 2010 : 11:50:58 AM
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I am an autistic, and lose the ability to speak effectively without regular practive. But I can't bring myself to speak of anything other than Eastern spiritual practices, resulting in considerable isolation.
An inmate arrived here recently, and I "saw something" in him, so approached with an AYP pitch. Bingo! The tingles rose in him right away.
Henceforth he approached me and I was about to give him an AYP book when someone threw boiling syrup in his face and attacked him. And so it goes--I'm back in Yogic silence.
But I would so like to find a loving Yogic voice to speak to on occasion - even anonymously if preferred by someone.
Given my outcast status, I need to search as broadly as possible, so does anyone have any ideas where I should look? I'll go anywhere for the immediacy of a spiritual voice.
Just as I don't claim to be a fashion consultant while wearing these frayed clothes, I don't claim to be a spiritual teacher while baring this frayed soul. (Well, I'm trying to do both less often!)
Any time I've been as quiet as I've been lately, you can be sure there's been enough "Trouble In River City" to knock me for a loop. I get my self picked up, and then my feet get kicked out again.
I'm sorry for having been so "full of myself". Part of it was spiritual ecstacy, part of it simple "whistling in the graveyard", but I think much of it was a perhaps misguided effort to be a spiritual friend by showing that I was willing to "put in the work".
Well, I prostrate myself within Satsang, imploring your forgiveness.
Anandatandava |
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Roxy
USA
30 Posts |
Posted - Mar 25 2010 : 1:18:35 PM
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Is there anyone out there who would help me enter postings into the website if I promise to write shorter "essays"?
Anandatandava |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Mar 25 2010 : 1:21:43 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Roxy
Is there anyone out there who would help me enter postings into the website if I promise to write shorter "essays"?
Anandatandava
I will do it. 
Your writings are very inspiring.
Thank You.
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Mar 25 2010 : 1:22:32 PM
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I will do it as well. Send what you want to post my way and I will make sure they get typed up.
Love!
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SeySorciere
Seychelles
1571 Posts |
Posted - Mar 26 2010 : 02:36:22 AM
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| You are very gifted. You should be writing a book / poetry. |
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anandatandava
USA
215 Posts |
Posted - Apr 14 2010 : 12:27:39 PM
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Provenance Through Western Eyes
"Enough of phrases, conciet, and metaphors; I want burning, burning, burning." Rumi
A friend has asked me to describe more about what has gotten me to this point, so I'm about to fly in the face of Rumi's sentiments. I'm posed quite a challenge here, since although for most of my life I wallowed in low self-esteem and tried to understand my problems in neurological terms, I now know that a more ancient (and august ?) tradition would cast my life experience as "premature kundalini awakening," "siddhis," and perhpas a "fallen yogi merged with the forces of nature." Talk about a paradigm shift - from illness to spiritual symptoms!
Well, since value might be found anywhere, even occasionally in the mouth of a fool (I keep checking the mirror), I'll continue to float open-minded down both the streams of thought and gather whatever overhanging fruit comes within reach. But forgive my frequent portaging between watercourses in writing, for it far exceeds my ability to objectively judge when my traits should be viewed as a citrus to be conveniently sectioned according to a doctor's diagnosis manual, or the yoga sutras, or if I should simply be taken as a ripe pomegranate bursting with bouncy word berries. Dice it all up together and I'm just a fruitcake, right? Isn't it great?! AYP made it so, for all was undifferentiated darkness before. Now, just tell me how I may serve. A court jester? I can do that! *cartwheel* (ecstatic, happy, grateful tears.....)
Okay, back to the main stage: you wanted some history or was that histrionics? Would you expect anything less then both from me? I can lay myself out, even flay myself out, to a high level of resolution, and you are welcome to read the entrails. (Might I draw your attention to a heart grown 10 times bigger?)
There is one complication: they say we all contain multitudes, but when you have dissociative identity disorder, whose historical timeline do you follow? But ew can simplify things by focusing first on the emergence of the spiritual ecstatic within me, since that's most germane to this community and is where the real beauty lies. When asked how old I was, he interrupted with, "the years of a child." Q: "How is that so?" A: "How long have I known God? Before God, I was not." Indeed. Despite his youth, because of his powerful affiliations, all that is within me defers to him.
Speaking again of beauty, and to build more intimacy between us, let's first open the author's family photo album - the cranial MRI in pleasereadmybrain.wordpress.com. We could play "Where's Waldo" in your favorite spiritual ecstatic's brain. How many personalitites can you spot? What diety(ies) do you see in the God Spot? Don't be concerned for me regardless, for the scan is only to justify the headstone: "I told you I was sick!" *smile*
Incidently, never try to guess whether my tongue's in kechari or in cheek - even I can't tell!
Since you are now burning to know what I look like I'll say, yes, that's fine bone structure indeed, and I'm even prettier with the skin on (but don't hate me for it!) Can I continue denying being of Shiva's Kapalika (skull bearing) sect? Would it help our friendship if I divest myself of this sacramental object on ebay? Given it's provenanve, it's a real collector's item! (You've heard of "brute art"? *sigh*)
More importantly, there's been a lot of action in that sphere in recent years. "....my longing and desire, have sowed a wind within this orb of skull, and here in this spiraled fire I reap the whirlwind of all the worlds." (Joseph Pearce) Where did he get those words?! God, they speak to my life... and of that I shall speak. But in this posting I've made one last attempt to disclose all the possible Western theory I can come up with to explain my nature. From here we look more exclusively through an Eastern lens and the heat of actual experience. Why have I been so circuitous? I intentionally discredit myself to discourage you from attaching to my words other than for entertainment. Yes, my spiritual life is very real, "more real than real," to me. But maintain some distance from its more intense elements, for it is a reverse Fustian bargain with Forces that lie beyond. Would you really choose to sacrifice all else to serve this? Some would. Still, keep this questions in mind.
You know, it will be really hilarious if this community is crowded with people having my kind of experiences and my big buildup ends up really anticlimactic! *laugh* Still, then I'll know, and be happy either way.
Anandatandava |
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anandatandava
USA
215 Posts |
Posted - Apr 14 2010 : 12:52:53 PM
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Voices
You folks are so kind. "With a little help from my friends," all obstacles fall when the heart is right. Frankly though, for reasons "inkling-ed" at below, it is hard to accept praise for any "skill with the quill." (cheap device alert! *laugh*)
No, 'tis the spirit-blood of multitudes that fills this pen. Place your ear to its cylindrical shell and listen. How does one seperate the tear-drops that tint {u]that[/u] ocean blue? Tho' each clamors to be again singly shed, alas, my own weeping causes a blended spirit to clear the decanter's head.
No, 'tis not me - I am but a wee sprout, with barely the sap to bleed. Heaven's voices are what rain down to elongate and drip from my pamate hand into the tuliped page Come, let us together drain this blossom and fill the nectared chamber of our unioned heart.
(Know that I witness these words just as you, as a thing apart/'til they flow to/then through/that shared, melting heart.)
Really, I fell ubiquitous as a sparrow, though one half-muted by a crossed bill who could warble strangely. Shunned by other sparrows, he turned inward and spent his life singing to himself. In the fullness of time, however, that inner song began to expand and become noticed, like ripening wine in it's aging cask. One special society of lotus-winged honey eaters found it mellowed to their taste and accepted him into their number. Soon were born baby cross-bills - a colorful new species! - to waarble brightly at a delightful spiritual dawn.
(Take that, stodgy sparrows!)
Ah, all this divergent, dendrritic thought-branching, filling the cell like seething ivy, and how little hooks its tendrils into the page. I feel as mad as a March hare, and look! it is indeed springtime, and everywhere a heated urgency for new life. My mind bounds off after a thousand digressive girl bunnies at once, and in no time those ears spring erect as a tantric yogi's spine - divine radar collectors, throbbing and quivering with the transmission flow. Momentarily sated, other blissful options appear: bask in the sun, nibble at the clover, or dash off to begin again.
Virginia Woolf had this to say: "As an experience, madness is terrific I can assure you, and not to be sniffed at.....(writing) shoots out of one everything shaped, final..." (This would be a perfect segue to discuss how word and music synesthesia "shape" my life.) Virginia's husband reported that she followed "the voices that fly ahead." My own voices came a decade ago to call me forward on the path that led me directly here. Initially audible, unfamiliar but clear, friendly and encouraging, but very, very insistent and persisitent, they pushed me to practice core AYP ecstatic practices every spare moment. having no other explanation, I attributed their source to an "inner guru." I began speaking of the "melting love" that came. (I swear this is all true!) I was led to believe there were others, a community out there, and that I should not remain alone. My God, what I went through in the search! But the moment I saw a Yogani book, I knew, I knew! And I was shocked. How could Yogani's teachings match and surpass what my inner guru(s) had shown me? (Further, how can tantric knowledge be floating around in the ether for a cracked egg like myself to absorb in the first place?) So! I know Yogani to be real with all the certainty of experience. And because of my *ahem* challenging nature and circumstances, I know his melting love and patience to be very, very real. I've also tasted these things in AYP practitioners, much directly, much via the use of my long, exquisitively sensitive antennae (you knew I was a cockroach?)
As for my voices? Once AYP appeared, they collected in the pen and no longer audibly speak. All true.
Anandatandava |
Edited by - anandatandava on Apr 14 2010 12:56:07 PM |
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anandatandava
USA
215 Posts |
Posted - Apr 17 2010 : 08:24:55 AM
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NEW LESSONS
Since I don't have the ability to determine which new lessons are pertinent to myh interests, looks like I'm going to have to try to get them all printed out and sent to me. Anyone willing to tackle a piece of this? It seems like it might be an unreasonably large task. Is it? The tiniest legible font would be fine, even preferred. |
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yogani
USA
5242 Posts |
Posted - Apr 17 2010 : 2:31:17 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by anandatandava
NEW LESSONS
Since I don't have the ability to determine which new lessons are pertinent to myh interests, looks like I'm going to have to try to get them all printed out and sent to me. Anyone willing to tackle a piece of this? It seems like it might be an unreasonably large task. Is it? The tiniest legible font would be fine, even preferred.
Hi All:
This has been taken care of, so Anandatandava will be as caught up as possible with the online lessons. Later this year, all of the online lessons since the first AYP book will be published (with additions) in AYP Vol 2. It is already in the right hand border here -- click the light blue book cover for a description.
All the best to Anandatandava, and everyone. Practice wisely, and enjoy!
The guru is in you.
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anandatandava
USA
215 Posts |
Posted - Apr 26 2010 : 2:54:48 PM
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** News Flash**
Science Verifies Yogani's Path to Ecstasy (Again)!
Fact 1: It's already been fairly well established that yogic ecstasy such as is experienced in AYP (don't settle for cheap imitations) is led to by, among other things, pranayama, including kumbhaka. And Yogani, for good reason, terms pranayama "restraint of prana" also called the "first unit" of consciousness, or vital energy.
Fact 2: Meditative ecstasy can be objectively measure by brain monitoring, appearing as extremely fast brain waves, called gamma, in the 40Hz range.
Fact 3: In new research at George Washington University Medical Center by Anesthesiologist Lakhmir Chawla and colleagues, seven sedated, critically ill patients were monitored as they were removed from life support. Right at or near the time of death there was a significant spike in neural activity in the gamma range, despite a preceeding loss of blood pressure and associated drop in brain activity. (Is that not extreme "restraint of prana"?) These periods of activity displayed properties normally associated with high intensity consciousness and lasted 30-180 seconds. So, near-death experiences (NDE) do exist, and pranayama can punch through even veritable brain death (much less the normal half-awake state in which we've spent much of our lives).
I find this exciting for a number of reasons:
1. It verifies the potentially extreme efficacy of pranayama and works through a mechanism that we all can share (thought I'm not going that far "under the hood" right now)
2. I came out of my NDE with the "imparted knowledge" that what I had just experienced was to be found within myself, and so set out to find my way back. And here I am, AYP! Hello, hello! What a miracle I survived over 8 hours in a closed garage, but perhaps it was just to come here and report that where Yogani leads you far surpasses the brief heaven-realm found in a NDE.
It is deliciously repeatable, accessible, extendable, shapeable, and you get to share the wonderful melting love that flows continually from it. And its definitely real! You konw this to be so because you distinctly experience it in a state of full, even super-consciousness, and can test it again and again. And although it leads you beyond such limitations, it exists in parallel with the here and now, in this very life, on this very Earth!
3. Lastly, although I commonly shape my physical ecstasy with Tourette's dystonic and autistic stimming movements, I now feel more assured that our experience is much the same. I'm not as weird as I though! (Well, the jury is still out until I get to read more of other's words in these forums)
Anandatandava
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anandatandava
USA
215 Posts |
Posted - Apr 26 2010 : 3:01:19 PM
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Et Tu, Ecstasy?
Until I find a yoga phone buddy to do a monthly 15 minute probe into the forums, let me try to bring the Mountain to Mohammed a different way.
I have the Big Book, but is there a major topic string that expands on:
-the physical sensation of ecstasy in terms of tone, primary focal point, and internal motion (especially in the crown?)
-whole-body mudra
-crown orgasm
-does anyone else experience an erotic massage into the crown from bodily motion, particulary the upper body, right down to the hands?
- is anyone else pulled into ecstatic, uncontrollable speaking in tongues from something like a simple asana? This just started for me, so I don't know if it will stick around, but what a shocking, amazing development!
-is ecstasy for you like the deepset itch and most satisfying scratch appearing together simultaneously, at least in one form? (and there are many other forms)
- is anyone else terribly addicted to extreme yogic ecstasy? Shiva is in me too, but everytime I try to stay in a formless samadhi, Shakti creeps in saying, "Oh no you don't!" and drags me into that extraordinary sensory state, where every heartbeat, breath and flicker of eye or body is a sheet of flaming prayer.
Anandatandava |
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anandatandava
USA
215 Posts |
Posted - Apr 26 2010 : 3:24:39 PM
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Prison AYP Program
I live in a very treatment-oriented prison at present and this would be an ideal place for AYP training. People here are seeking an alternative to destructive lifestyles. They also tend to carry a high level of undisciplined energy that could be spectacularly channeled toward spiritual ends. I offer myself as an (admittedly flawed) example.
A female friend laughingly described me to her fiance as a big Rottweiler puppy leaping up to lick peoples' faces. How apropo! Picture the intense and mixed sensations that wash over you at such a moment and you have a pretty good image of me at full cry. I'm not always that "bad", but when I'm full of bhakti or ecstasy others tend to become infected or even riveted. It might not be shaktipat, but I can fill a room with kundalini and put power -rushes through people. I talk then, and with great power, but I can't take credit for a voice that came directly our of AYP practices.
Well, let a thousand, a million such candles burn in the darkness of prison! For years I've tried to get an Eastern studies group going here, but it takes civilian support in ways other then money. Let me communicated that clearly - money is not the problem! And there's plenty of interested inmantes. No, the problem is a really tough one: finding a civilian with the time and interest to invest in us.
And this needs to be said: There is a particular segment of the prison population that tends to carry the highest body energy and feel a tingle in meditaiton right away. They are also the most open to new ideas and experiences. They listen with rapt attention to my ecstatic descriptions of gaining tight control over erotic and spiritual forces. They eat up tantric info, and are most in need of brining sexuality into the sacred realm. Did I give enough hints? Yes, sex offenders appreciate my friendly and non-judging crossing of all prison boundaries (crime, race, sexual orientiation), and I appreciate their openness to my message.
If you approach a prison with no treatment programs to canvas for interested inmantes, check if they have a Wiccan-group-fertile ground there!
Okay, enough food for thought. Now, please work up a powerful hunger! Why do I plead so? Because I need help, and we are one. Yes, I know I claim to be a sturdy spiritual oak but, look, what are these bruises then doing on my tender stem? Ow! It's my own fault, but I don't think I can fix things on my own.
Confession time: I don't follow a balanced practice. So many years of exclusively spinal breathing straight to the crwon have created a compelling problem. Too much ecstasy rises in me whenever I try to center myself for meditation and, like a little boy, I reach for and gorge myself onthe candy before getting to important spiritual nutrition. I'm naughty. I need people to practice with, to break me of my bad habits, to swat me like a Zen monitor when lightning begins to play over my body, before I begin to cry out and weep and shake and throw twisting ribbons and fireballs of divine flame through infinity. Don't let me stand up. Don't let me extend my arm(s) rigidly outward, and especially don't let me then grasp or press down on anything firmly, or an immensity crashes through my crown and down my arm to turn the surrounding world into a single, solidly vibrating mass, as if electrified. I become a lightning rod! A howling Rudra hurricane sweeps in with "the thunder of a thousand drums". Tell ya what: that can be terrifying if I'm not prepared. But it hits so swiftly, in my minds eye, I only have time to leap fullyextended into the teeth of the storm, like a gaolee doing a save, and plant a seed of love with my outstretched hands. I can literally feel the spiritually prepared earth softly supporting me and accepting the offerinf, which immediately sprouts and provides a fastness to which to cling. I can distinctly see its trunk and feel my hands curled around it's firm protection as the tempest rages all around, trying to pluck me away. If I don't prepare? Well, one thing that can happen is my becoming trapped immobile inside a flaming stone lingam, becoming one with it, feeling its interpentrating granularity. That intense experiential imagery like so much more, came to me spontaneously before I knew any of the principles or iconography of tantric yoga, so all this seems very real to me. And yes, I've been going ecstatic on and off in theis posting, so Carson is getting a real mess to decipher! *sob*
By the way, that tree of love now stands permanently in me, so I no longer fear the greatest intensity. My pockets are always full of spiritual earth.
Looks like you tricked me into exposing a couple more elements of my internal ecstatic experience. Didn't intend that. Oops!
Anandatandava |
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anandatandava
USA
215 Posts |
Posted - May 04 2010 : 4:47:51 PM
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Go With The Flow
*Parental Warning: This episode contains scatalogical humor, an artifact of the writer's Tourette's Syndrome* 
Osho told the story of two straws carried down a river in flood. One lays across the current, futilely trying to control it, so it's life is an anxiety. The other floats aligned to the river's flow, believes it is helping it, and so moves in a joyful dance. The great river is completely unaware of the tiny straws' existence, and carries all and sundry to the same destination according to it's own mighty will.
This allegory is useful to me when life has settled into relative routine, or cycles at a normal level of absurdity. But a hydra-headed threshold of problems was crossed in recent weeks that showed me how being suddenly immersed in a violent river or other similar environment is a very stressful and lonely experience, as you are whisked so abruptly away from all familiar landmarks and loved ones. Water (life) seems so playful when you're kicking up sparkles along the shoreline or letting gentle waves nibble at your toes. But slip at the wrong time and a shocking, almost sentient power grasps you, appearing malevolently bent on your destruction. You can barely catch your breath, and seconds stretch out to infinity.
With a confusion of cross-currents swirling everpresent, your internal compass can begin to spin, and staying aligned with the overall flow becomes extremely difficult. Remain engulfed in the turbulence for too long and your endurance can become exhausted, especially if weighed down by soggy spiritual training pants like this little pee-wee.
Anyway, that's what it was like for our colorful corrospondent to be tossed unceremoniously into a warzone cellblock. Depsite generally portraying myself as Osho's dancing straw, this and other recent developments showed me that even a tenacious "floater" can get flushed (or at least his head dunked) with enough simultaneous and successive handle pulls. My stubborn equanimity was finally penetrated and my heart sank in sadness. But somehow I kept bobbing back to the surface, mostly due to training, spiritual community, and my own God-intoxicated writing, which I refused to put the lie to! (perhaps I also demonstrated that the big turds DO always rise to the top.)
And here I am, back in my swan form, gliding gracefully atop a misty pool, with ruffled bliss feathers preened back into place - *fluff* *fluff* - yup! But we just KNOW my little ecstatic feet are paddling madly away beneath the surface don't we?
No life is perfect, and although saints do exist in AYP (oh, yes!), I suspect many of us have yet to reach a point where we don't suffer now and then. I've been conditioned by a decade in treatment to belive that self-disclosure of one's own weaknesses, and how we seek to overcome them, is one of the greatest gifts we can give one another, and ourselves. Given the novel nature of many problems here, and the time and inclination I have to write of them, this may be a good way for me to "give back".
So perhaps I'll do a serial post mortem on this crisis period, interspercing among subsequent postings the incidents that finally "knocked me off my square". Don't worry, for after all the perils come "happy endings" (well, at least equanimity), and isn't the resolving chord to tensions what makes for a "rippin' good tale?" Just how well I did is hard to measure, for human existence is far more complex than a straw's, but here and there I did feel "bewildered from the path of transcendence", even "perish(ed) like a riven cloud." (Bg. 6.38) But the Gita also states that there is no lasting loss in slips on the path as long as you pick up and continue.
I'll never forget that even in the worst of moments, when my mind felt completely blown, I could still viscerally feel (and see?) in me a column of strength made up of people in this community who believe in my goodness. I will not fall, I will not fail that faith, for I live for Love. This is what saved me, for it leads one directly through life's hazards back to identification with Universal Self, where one can open gracefully to all things.
As Timothy Leary said at the moment of death, "Why not? Why not? Why not?" *laugh* Well, AYP is the Royal Road to an even deeper awakening, and is drug-free. (what a cost savings!)
Anandatandava |
Edited by - anandatandava on May 04 2010 4:52:31 PM |
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anandatandava
USA
215 Posts |
Posted - May 05 2010 : 4:39:00 PM
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Prison Book Programs
I'm always going 100mph in pursiut of yogic resources available free to inmates. I see a lot of different traditions, prison-oriented approaches, writing requests, and pen-pal opportunities. But, alas, compared to Yogani and AYP, everything else seems like dandelion fluff, wastefully complex, incomplete, or too esoteric to use on one's own. But I get stuff, scan for useful kernels, and then pass them on, since something is better than nothing to get my compatriats thinking about yoga.
Anyway, I realized that there is a likely way for someone to esaily donate books anonymously to prisoners who have requested them by category (tantra, yoga) or title. There are organizations who could do this with your new and used books across the country! A list is available online at: www.prisonbookprogram.org
Need I say that bringin enlightenment into prisons carries benefit to society as well, and the recipients have plenty of time for study and practice. In fact, this is why I seek to bury myself ever deeper into America's lovely gurlag system. (Is this not what any sannyasi would do in my position?) So if there's any attorneys out there who want to make a name for themselves with a novel, very high profile civil/criminal case, let me know. Wanna get on cable news?
Just never know what you're going to see in my postings do you? That's my job here.
Anandatandava |
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anandatandava
USA
215 Posts |
Posted - May 05 2010 : 4:50:49 PM
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Tantra Origins
Something humorous, and just a touch of tragic again, like much of life.
Living in a crazy cellblock with the runor going around that I was a millionaire (a past life), I finally had to post temple guards to reduce interference with my spiritual life. Well, I happenend to let slip one of the theorized origins of tantra, a term I'll leave unstated because its been misleadingly appropriated by others over time and is particularly sensitive here. Whoa! It was like throwing red meat, but did acheive my end: recruiting more help in my goodly search for yoga phone support. (Don't worry, being an equal opportunity lover, I've put feelers out into multiple races, "men's groups," and criminal categories - I gotta work with all that is available here!) A fellow began pestering me for tantra and was going to help place a personals ad, you know, like: "SWM incarcerated tantric yogi seeking...." I figured we might get some traction from Sting's recent tantric revelations. But then this morning my friend got shipped to a different prison - argh! Now I don't even have the phone support to place the ad! A part of me wants to give a frustrated scream, especially since I've already had to give up on two women who were more than eager for me to call but not to leave their computer games. Then there were the two long-term relationships I lost because I became so committed to yoga. Those really hurt. But then all of life is a tragic comedy, and I'll continue hooting at the actors until I'm dragged from the opera box. I simply don't give up on things that can, should and will happen!
Anandatandava |
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anandatandava
USA
215 Posts |
Posted - May 27 2010 : 1:24:25 PM
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The Wizard of Oz Opens the Curtain (Tentatively)
Carson is an incredibly loving saint, and consummately intelligent and wise to boot. This is simple fact, not sycophantism, as anyone who knows him can attest. Due to our personal interaction he sees easily through my stagecraft to the puppeteer in charge (dang!), and has called my bluff. As the Wizard protested at the moment of his exposure; "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!"
Carson argues that I should stop raising a cloud of obscuring dust by grovelling around in it, for that merely masks and maintains the ego. He also says that I should stop "identifying with my conditions/situation," just be who I am, and "let the chips fall where they may."
Oof! Remind me to dress less revealingly next time. Seriously, though, there are a number of possible reasons a person in my position might act the way I do. For you to understand, I do need to tell my story, at least in brief summary. It's a pretty incredible tale, even by my liberal standards, but I only have time for a little bit now.
It is true that for a brief and shining moment, I felt a worthwhile person existed in this skin. I was a successful software entrepreneur who started and fr 12 years ran a corporation with the stated purpose of "helping build skilled career opportunities for the severely disadvantaged." See, I had been teaching the homebound disabled and inmates a broad computer curriculum, and society was not much inclined to give these people a chance upon graduation. So I figured I'd build a little "proof of concept" model and, I'll be darned, it worked! Plus half of the money paid for inmate labor went towards helping other inmates get 4 year college degrees.
Oh, did I forget to mention that I was serving a life sentence the whole time? That minor inconvenience notwithstanding, the pinnacle of my life came when clients, despite knowing my legal status, trusted me to the point where they began clearing their budgets out year-end to pay for the next year's development, sometimes into the 6 figures. Now that, my friends, is a significant development for a person who had spent his life in rejection. It wasn't the money, you understand, it was the trust and acceptance. Similarly, for the short time I was on parole, acceptance was everything, especially since there was so precious little of it after everything blew up in my face.
Yes, as they say, "No good deed goes unpunished." See, there are broad, slow swings in public attitude toward whether prisons should be rehabilitative vs purely punitive.
The DOC was at one time proud of our activities, even conducting tours through it. A retired supreme court chief justice attended my BA graduation. But eventually an investigative journalism team saw the potential in twisting something good )even for society at large) into something seemingly evil. Hey, it was easy - inmates were involved, and we all know full well they ain't nothin' but evil. For the DOC, an asset became an embarrassing liability overnight, and I was closed down. I was on parole at the time, but since my whole identity was wrapped up in that company, I gave up and within a short time was back in prison. And because I was blamed for denting the political aspirations if a certain very powerful person, they had "something special for me," according to the first guard to speak to me. And so they did, and the heat of that fire split me into the multifaceted stone you see today.
Yes, it is difficult for even me to determine which facet faces the light at any one time, for I am not in a position to say (or even think), "Here I am and who I am; I am a human being with human rights, and here are my dreams and loves," for that would make me a fixed target in a word where I have already said too much. But it's not a unique life. Consider my innocent sisters of experience - the women in societies where they are mere chattel. They must hide theri light of individuality so long it either suffocates and dies, or breaks into a million sparks that float out out through the weave. You people have been the only witnesses to my own sparks, my only expression of freedom and intelligence, to the degree I've thus far dared to expose. Yes, I've taken liberties with a lot of wild writing, but its been great fun and I thank you for the privilege and pleasure of knowing you exist.
All this said, "the times, they are a-changin'," for I'm trying to engage in war with the Dept, of Corrections now, and the necessary bravery colors every aspect of my life. It's difficult to pick myself up from the dust into which I've been quite literally beaten, but I'm ready to do as Carson asks: be myself and let the chips fall where they may.
It's then ironic that I'm about to lose almost all my phone support until late fall and a war of survival must be waged. Oh well, perhaps my attempt to bridge worlds is not really practical at this time or in this lifetime. It was crushing to discover there were important responses to me from almost a year ago, for responses are everything. And I'm tired of being a burden on Yogani and Carson, who have so much important work to do.
Under these conditions, even certain spiritual attachments can be counterproductive. It's surely a signal for me to buckle down into a more balanced practice. I have a good base for the 8-man or cold isolation cell (sans mattress or clothing). I will eventually find myself: kechari, nada, and ecstatic response on tap with no physical motion (they won't see sambhavi or kevala kumbhaka). And I'll find a way to get Yogani's words in to me, so perhaps it's time to become the earthworm who only knows two words: "Let go. Let go." Oops. Sorry Carson, looks like its back to the ground for me again. But really, what is the least intimidating posture for a convicted murderer to take? Isn't it required to be lower, smaller, weaker, seated, prone, shackled, staked out, ground in and out? And since that doesn't really work either, and this is not the venue to speak of prison in the raw, wouldn't you too resort to strewing words you find pretty entertaining around like Christmas wrapping, in the hope someone spots a gift they like? For that's all I want to do - to give.
Anandatandava |
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anandatandava
USA
215 Posts |
Posted - May 27 2010 : 1:42:29 PM
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I just received a heartbreaking printout of responses from Aug 12 of last year. Well let me respond now in the hope that people will see it. I'm so sorry I'm late.
@Akasha:
That "self-pandiculation" muscle contraction is exactly what I do, for it generates huger sheets of flaming ecstasy. From my internal perspective, I'm moving with exquisitely slow, tensed muscle, Indian traditional dance, but people here thing it looks like tai-chi or qi-gung. this is what I mean when I say that kundalini-shakti keeps seducing me to make love rather then meditate. I resent it in a way because it tears me away from the balanced path that Yogani has laid out , but, but, help! *laugh* Actually, I think I've found the solution in kechari, for that locks me in place. Thank you Yogani. Still, when I center myself I see Her tinted eyes watching me, hear Her ankle bells, scent Her welcoming body - so close, so close; one false move and I'm lost.
Om Shantih! O lotus-eyed one, sweet of touch, your tantric delights are as rich and scintillating as lalana wine and I, drunk boy, atwirl with nectared blossoms, exist only as a slave to drink You in. Ah! what mortal woman could compare?!
Postscript: with the preceding bit of overwrought passion, Shantih delivered a solution to my dilemma in a multi-sensoried vision. "Fool," She said, "do you not recognize how kechari is an oral sex-act upon your Queen? Remain still as you drink My moon-flow and we can return to Lord Shiva together." My God, it all comes in a rush: the structure, texture, and taste - its sacred cunnilingous! And She moves against my tongue, allowing me to stay centered on a central axis and in better control of my energies. How mesmerizing. How impossible!
@Yogani:
Yogani, once again you had showed so much love, and I wasn't even aware of this incidence. Are you truly mortal? You seem much more. I feel unworthy of having represented such a distraction to your important mission here on earth. I am taking steps to minimize that.
@Gumpi:
Gumpi, gosh, I feel so bad about having left your question unanswered for so long. Don't feel bad about asking it, for it is certainly the 500lb gorilla in the room, including for me.
I wish I had the time to do the question full justice right now, but hope to do so later. While you wait for the entree, here's something astringent to sip (hope you take bitters in your martini).
I am serving a life sentence for a murder while high on PCP, the sole incidence of violence in my entire life. After 33 years in prison, I am least qualified to judge what further punishment is merited or healthy, but it would never equal the portions I serve myself.
@Konchok:
Konchok, alas, I have no access to technology, so cannot follow up on your leads. The Vajrayana kriya you apparently entered for me was missing from my printout as well. It's enough to make me feel faint!
Anandatandava |
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anandatandava
USA
215 Posts |
Posted - May 27 2010 : 2:13:07 PM
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Battle Stations
I just got done serving 3 months in a box for being compassionate. (Don't give a rice cake to a pauper in a realm where man's rules supercede God's rules to an absurd degree). Now, because my brain damage made it impossible to keep up on a fast paced job, I got another 3 months. There are may repercussions. I can escape the box through self-harm but there are people in my life who would not understand and suffer with questions of what they should have said or done. Well, love cannot be repaid like that, so I have poured myself instead into a search for legal and/or medical advocacy, and something even bigger: I can now do kechari 2.5 with no finger-push! And strangely, way back there, something begins moving against my tongue at the moment that the most sublime ecstasy arises. Shock! So I dug around and found a reference to bindu visarga, the "falling of the drop", and the lalana chakra, both having to do with Amrita. And since I am powerfully drawn to Kechari 5, down the throat, I noted that kechari awakens lanana, which in turn awakens vishuddi chakra, and in turn a nerve channel called kurma nadi, the "tortoise nadi" that overcomes the desire and necessity for food and drink. And indeed, I have been puzzled by my maintenance of weight despite eating little. And I marvel at how vipareeta karani (I do shoulderstand with palms on the floor) sets up that brilliant something in my crown (and sometimes the jabbering) by supposedly reversing the flow of amrita. Whoa! Here's another reference in the Hatha Yoga Pradipika, pointing to the same spot on the back edge of the soft palette!
In a big way, this made my disaster worth it. Yogani, you led me here; my life is yours.
But I must press ahead, since warring against the state can get real ugly until and unless I gain court oversight or a few loud-voiced friends out there. *laugh* I have 2 yoga needs that must be carefully strategized in order that they not become mututally exclusive:
1. Keep gathering tantra to select methods to keep my particular (peculiar) being engaged under very harsh conditions.
2. Find the most condensed form of this knowledge, ideally in a form that can be printed in the smallest font on both sides of lightweight paper, perhaps 4 pages per sheet.
Yogani, how should I approach your writings? Are you small books the most condensed form of the core teachings?
Conditions here are quite harsh, particularly for intellectual life. (I'm trying to get transfered too). No Internet, no computer or typewriter storage, no audio or video except on credit bearing courses, very limited physical storage, limited library access, a 10 book limit (thus my strong preference for printouts, although I take a LOT of tiny notes).
Wouldn't you know, in the middle of all this stuff, I got pushed hard from behind and my neck gave a loud crack as I head-butted the wall. And then it wouldn't stop cracking! talk about a scary buzz-kill for a month, but I think it's getting slowly better. And it too has had a benefit: encouraging me to probe it with chin pumps, which have never been so ecstatic. What a crazy life! *laugh*
You know, it just struck me, and with no small amount of amazement, that no matter how bad things get the thought of relapse never enters my mind. This is just so good that I would never want to jeaprodize it. Heck, it's better than anything ever was anyways. (Okay, I confess: I do take an aspirin maybe once a month or so. *laugh*)
Anandatandava |
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yogani
USA
5242 Posts |
Posted - May 28 2010 : 11:46:16 AM
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Hi Anandatandava:
Many thanks for your ongoing chronicle. Helpful to many I am sure, and often deeply touching. If you don't see a lot of response here, it is only because we are speechless. Don't stop. You are sharing a glimpse of something that is rarely seen in the great record book in the sky we call the internet. Many will benefit.
If hardships are stimuli on the spiritual path, then you are in the fast lane for sure. Most of us grumble when our car won't start or our internet connection is busted. When we don't know better, we tend to wear our woes like a badge. The temptation is always there, no matter how great or small the obstacles in our life. But badges don't carry us forward. Walking through them does. When we know how to do that in stillness, then every hardship becomes a doorway to new openings. Not always easy, especially in cases like yours. The payoff is proportional to our letting go of judgment, surrendering to what is, and walking through, no matter what may be happening. The walking through is the most important part -- acting in the flow. Spiritual surrender is not a passive thing. We have called it "active surrender" here. In its advanced stages, we have called it "stillness in action." We become a channel for That.
Not that we should court trouble and hardship. Surely more than enough will come our way that we did not plan on. When it does come, there is that door, as you have amply described again and again for the benefit of the many here who live in relative comfort. We need to hear about it. Life is not so different on the outside. Admitting it or not, we are all in the prison of mortality, until we open on the inside. Outer circumstances will lead us there sooner or later. It does not matter where we are. Our inner nature (the divine) will find us, and prevail. The anvil of experience transforms us to eternal silent joy amidst the ups and downs of life. As we know, effective spiritual practices can greatly accelerate the process.
Regarding the AYP writings, for someone at your level of experience, the lessons in book or online form (printed by your sister) are the most complete coverage. The small Enlightenment Series books are more organized in terms of presenting the essential practices in easily accessible compartments. The lessons are an ongoing discussion, somewhat less organized than the E-Series, but covering more techniques and nuances of practice. Therefore the lessons are more complete, if not as easily accessible as the E-Series. So maybe you will want both sets of writing. The Secrets of Wilder novel is instructive also. It is where AYP sprang from originally, and covers more than any of the AYP writings on the stages of spiritual intensity (tapas) and hardship that can be encountered on the path, especially when an established baseline system of practice is not available (lots of trial and error in the novel). Since 2003, AYP has been an endeavor to fill in what was lacking by design in the Secrets of Wilder story, and also lacking in the real world.
I am sure we can work something out with your sister for reducing the size of fonts, pages, etc., for all the writings to meet your space limitations. Have her contact me.
Wishing you all the best on your continuing path.
The guru is in you.
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Lili
Netherlands
372 Posts |
Posted - May 30 2010 : 05:53:48 AM
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Hi Anandatandava,
I hope you will eventually be able to continue your great project for training inmates and enabling them to build a professional career. It is a pity and shame that some journalists made a mess of that worthwhile effort and that the DOC bought their rubbish.
I am really sorry about what you did - but history has examples of people who did worse and were able to become saints afterwards--pls see below. There is also an active monastery you could visit after you get back out on parole. Best of luck, Lili
Saint Moses the Abyssinian (Abba Moses the Robber): Patron of Deir Mar Mousa Monastery, Syria
Moses, a black Ethiopian, had been a house servant, possibly a released slave, to some official in the administration. He then became the head of a gang in Nitria (on the Nile Delta), and was generally believed to have been a murderer as well as a robber. He exercised a lot of muscle in that area and people were greatly afraid of him. In the midst of his desultory life he suddenly came to his senses, though it is not recorded how. Nevertheless, he abandoned his gangster mates and his drinking, then took himself to a place where small groups of monks and hermits lived. So began his journey of self-transcendence.
The demons attacked Moses, trying to draw him back into his old ways. He was tempted to such an extent, that he nearly failed in his resolution. So he went to his mentor, abba Isidore, and revealed all the details of the contest to him.
Isidore said, “Do not be discouraged. These are the beginnings, and for this reason they are the more severe as they attack, since they are testing your character. A dog does not by nature stay away from a meat market, but only if the market is closed up and no one gives him anything does he stop coming by. So also in your case. If you stand firm, the demon will have to leave you in discouragement.”
Notes for travellers to Deir Mar Mousa:
The ancient Syrian monastery of Saint Moses the Abyssinian (Deir Mar Musa el-Habashi), also called Abba Moses The Robber (he died in 375 AD), overlooks a harsh valley in the mountains east of the small town of Nebek, 80 km north of Damascus, and about 1320 metres above sea level. A monastery on the top of a mountain in the middle of the desert. Ten christian monks and two nuns stay here. All visitors are welcome – please click on the link below for more specific directions and instructions. Interfaith dialogue is important here. The new foundation of the monastic community started in 1991. On a social level, the community of Deir Mar Musa works to develop services which facilitate inter-cultural and inter-religious dialogue and harmony.
http://www.deirmarmusa.org/page/howtovisiteng.HTM
Deir Mar Musa al-Habashi
P.O. Box 178
Nebek — Syrian Arab Republic
Tel. (00963) 011 7280137
Fax. (00963) 011 7230335
Source: http://diversejourneys.com/?p=691
Also:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milarepa (Born in the village of Kya Ngatsa - also known as Tsa - in Gungthang province of western Tibet to a prosperous family he was named Mila Thöpaga (Thos-pa-dga'), which means "A joy to hear." The name of his clan was Khyungpo, his family name was Josay. When his father died, Milarepa's uncle and aunt took all of the family's wealth. At his mother's request, Milarepa left home and studied sorcery. While his aunt and uncle were having a party to celebrate the impending marriage of their son, he took his revenge by summoning a giant hail storm to demolish their house, killing 35 people, although the uncle and aunt are supposed to have survived. The villagers were angry and set off to look for Milarepa, but his mother got word to him and he sent a hailstorm to destroy their crops.
Many of Milarepa's deeds took place in Chokyi Dronma's homeland and his life and songs were compiled by Tsangnyon Heruka, sponsored by Chokyi Dronma's brother, the Gungthang king Thri Namgyal De.[1]
Milarepa later lamented his evil ways in his older years: "In my youth I committed black deeds. In maturity I practiced innocence. Now, released from both good and evil, I have destroyed the root of karmic action and shall have no reason for action in the future. To say more than this would only cause weeping and laughter. What good would it do to tell you? I am an old man. Leave me in peace)
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Akasha
421 Posts |
Posted - May 30 2010 : 09:50:11 AM
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Hi Anandatandava( there, i got your name right....lol),
Very touching & moving, i can assure you.
The image of ankle-belled goddesses has somehow has got lodged in my mind.You got me there.Lovely imagery
I'm pretty sure you could publish this stuff including your poetry under 'Diary of A Yogi' or some other title.It would surely be a serious rival to Yogananda'a work.
You may be in an institution but i could'nt think of any one further removed from the label "criminal" as yourself.
You wrote about cranial nerve lines including the vagus nerve(vajra nadi may be linked to swadisthana chakra etc ,influencing sexual appetite and quite important) at the start here and relatively recently..But sadly I never managed got round to repsonding.But the city of the seven mystical gates also has it parrallel in this.-it refers to spiritual practices involving introversion of the senses (& awakening the interior- non-sensorial)-eyes,nose,mouth,ears,anus are closed of. Here it called yoni mudra khumbhaka, i think- elsehwere with some modifications possible i have seen it called shanmukhi mudra (& naunmukhi mudra). And unmanni mudra( the mindlless attitude) bears some similarity- this one supposedly induces a mindless state and is deeply relaxing.
I hope the system is treating you alirght. though i'm guessing you've had a loong time getting used to it.
Is that a penitentiary or monastery, you're currently living in? +laugh+
I totally agree with Yogani when he says- that folk out side grumble when there lightbulb blows. It can seem like whatever our situation or circumstance in life may be at whatever point we can always seem to have something to grumble about.Most people's grumbles obviously pale in signficance to some other folk.Some times we have to remind ourselves what we do have-powerful spiritual & yogic practices- such as AYP.So we have a lot to be thankful and grateful for.
I genuinely hope you're allright.
Lots of Love,
Akasha
P.S Good to hear your kechari mudra is coming along; i think i've teetered on the two stage whenver i've tried it- it's good for vishuddi and the nerveplexuses and psychic connections throughout the septum, third-eye Central, throat region and that whole area- very sensitive and electric - i can see how it could be seen as a missing link inthe psychic circuitry. I'm still tryiing to get to grips with uddiyana bhanda(I've not quite moved onto this yet- some systems do straight away! i try it tentatively-such practices wake up abdominal musculature, when used with retention) or rather related prelimanary practices aimed at waking up manipura-dog panting while stroking the abdomen- mouth can be open - i have been revisiting( i don't like doubting the methods i employ- but somewhat comforting to see Yogani used the phrase 'dog panting' in the context of describing spinal bastrika which i have never tried btw)- that is what got me here in the first place- but i have been trying to use a number of tools at my disposal including psychic tuning & abdominal breathing and a conscious choice to fast more often-i.e eat less( it possibly can get in the way of my practice). ..my manipura is asleep and my anahata dormant perhaps. of course there's nothing quite like ayp deep meditation. I'm endeavouring to integrate all my practices. |
Edited by - Akasha on May 30 2010 10:44:02 AM |
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anandatandava
USA
215 Posts |
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anandatandava
USA
215 Posts |
Posted - Jun 17 2010 : 2:12:29 PM
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Prodigal Son
Boy! Did I miss this place! Fighting the state is like bottling a thunder cloud. It's capable of striking a disasterous blow any time it likes, but remains too amorphous, opaque and circuitous to provide any clear approach. Whichever direction you move, it's already moved around behind you. The tighter you try to grasp it, the faster it slips away.
Like Arjuna, I vigorously try to avoid war (not wanting to leave my spiritual activities), but am persistent once the chariot is underway. And of course, my thick clouds of word-arrows would put a legion of archers to shame.
I peppered the prison all the way to the warden, and didn't stop there. My missiles were mere pin-pricks to the leviathan, but he felt them, and knew something had to be done before I was successful in recruiting outside forces or turned to self-inquiry (very inconvenient).
But both of those potential outcomes also held a crushing tail-lash in check. So in the end, morsels were given and carrots held out. Figuring I was going batty from five months in a box (true!) I was given daily gym and yard periods. Knowing I was having difficulty with particular items on my restricted diet, a feedback mechanism to the dietician ws provided (we'll see). What is basically required of me in return is to "shut the hell up!" No writing kites (? this word was hard to read...not sure I got the right one....Carson), no perstering people, or I will "go straight to seg." And if I'm a very, very good boy I might come off punishment status in a couple of weeks, be able to get a job, and possibly move to a different cellblock (not even sure I want to anymore). The're not addressing the most important issue, that of recognition and accommodation of my disabilities, but I'm sick of war for now, and so overjoyed to be back in the "land of love."
Anandatandava |
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anandatandava
USA
215 Posts |
Posted - Jun 17 2010 : 3:09:28 PM
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Signs of Life
I had a couple of interesting encounters lately.
One fellow had terminal cnacer and was waiting to be transfered to the hospital unit to die. (Compassion paroles rarely happen in this state, and only then if you're going to take an inconveniently long and expensive time to die).
Interested in comforting him, I began a conversation and spoke of how a near-death experience (NDE) had completely eradicated my own fear of death. He looked at me a long, open moment, then said softly, "Then you've seen it too." But I could tell that he was no longer really with me, nor in prison, nor really dying. He had already transcended it all and become the Witness. He floated like a vision around us a few more days, then was gone. I have no doubt he went out in supreme ecstasy, a gamma burst of yogic samadhi. but then we all do; it's just that tantra practitioners get to taste it repeatedly before-hand. The mystery is: now that the ecstatic death response has been proven by science, how did it evolve in the first place? What survival value does it have? Or is it proof of a compassionate God/Universe? My own experience and thoughts concerning NDE's deserve a seperate entry, but for now can be summarized as LOVE! (really, what else matters?)
My second encounter occured two days ago. I was walking with a small group to health services, and overheard another inmate talking about how things are not really as they appear or as we are taught in the West. "We are not seperate beings, we are all One!" he exclaimed, and proceeded to expound on it until I said, "I enjoy your perspective, how did you come about it?" I didn't now what to expect in response, really, but he definitely surprised me with "I've seen it!" WoW! Another NDE-er with the same imparted lesson! So I told him that I too had seen it there. He stopped. I stopped. Something passed between us. He went rigid, looking in amazement at his arms. I'd never seen goose-bumps lik ethat either. The air seemed to crackle with spiritual energy. Kundalini was surging uncontrollably within him, and the West had provided him no preperation to understand and develop it safely and to handle it properly. He needed Yogani and AYP.
We continued our journey, but he was destroyed, practically staggering and jabbering. It was a spiritual crisis, and I fear is was my fault. And I knew exactly where he was at, and what kinds of things would happen to him, because I too had been there. And sure enough, the next day he was nowhere to be seen and I'll bet he's locked in a cold observation cell in segregation without a mattress or clothing. I'd rather take daily beatings then this form of interminable and aching torture, which is used to discourage cries for help from inmates at their most vulnerable moments. But I gotta get off this topic as you can see).
Yogani knows that environments like prisons need AYP, and has expressed a high interest in bringing it there. It strikes me that this is another likely reason he lets me hang around - kinds of a "man on the inside" to reconnoiter the territory. *laugh* I do know the territory quite well. Whether that's fortunate or unfortunate, I've lost track.
Postscript: I heard they found someone dead in seg today. A cold cylinder of fear appeared in me. No, it can't be.... I can't allow myself to think that.
But then I remembered..... three weeks ago.... in the chow hall.... a quiet and reserved inmate who sometimes picks up bags of kosher food asked me if I was getting a kosher tray, and I started talking about spirituality. He suddenly burst into a rapid-fire "word -salad" in a high pitched Hindi accent. I thought he was joking around and laughed, but he never stopped! And he also never stopped as he tagged along back to the cell block (a long walk!) I was trying to converse with a friend of mine about his college courses, but it was impossible through all that manic chatter. My friend said, 'I've never seen him like this, what did you do to him?" Then, "You're a real tantric yogi, aren't you?" which I thought an odd question from a Christian raised in real Zulu animism. Given the latter, perhaps not. I haven't seen that hosher inmante again either, come to think of it.
This is all quite spooky in a bad way. The purely "rational" explanation would be that when I speak about spiritual energy in a high energy way (definitely my style right now), it's a combustable mix to any people within earshot who are at a tipping point. And of course prisons would ahve a high percentage of those. How could I have been so stupid to not have considered this? This is terrible. I never thought about how MY improper path, all about the intensity but not the bliss, would impact others. I am not a tantric yogi (yet).
Anandatandava |
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From Anandatandava
