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anthony574
USA
549 Posts |
 Posted - Mar 05 2009 : 7:31:25 PM
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Hey guys
Sorry for the volume of consecutive posts about my frustrations...but I thought I'd throw this one out there because I have been struggling with this since the beginning.
Two things:
1. I'm having a difficult time with my bramacharya. To me, it is simply the practice of preserving sexual energy. Unfortunately, early on in my AYP career ejaculation became demonized to me because I thought non-ejeculating would be the magic key to Kundalini. Well, I've managed to abstain from it for 2 weeks at a maximum and I didn't feel noticably different. That doesn't mean I don't believe it is beneficial...only that my motivation for avoiding it is pretty much all in my head and not based on observable results - which I think would be a stronger motivator. I have been single since The beginning of the year and I don't think that is helping me much...and leads me to problem number 2.
2. I have a problem with pornography. I'm quite embarassed to post this on here. I was exposed to rather graphic sexual content from a very very early age (careless dad...) and that lead to a fixation on porn from as early as I can remember. I'm not saying that I'm a junky - more that I am probably like most guys my age, if not a bit better. Most guys and girls my age thinking watching porn is acceptable, but since starting yoga two years ago I gradually grew to experience inner turmoil about it. Mainly, I will watch it and then feel tremendous guilt and self-loathing afterwards followed by intense thinking and commitment to how I can avoid doing it again...which eventually I do and then the cycle begins again! It makes me very sad sometimes. I try very hard to have a respect and deep reverence for women, especially in that it sets me apart from most guys my age and hopefully sets an example. I am not a promiscuous person and try to not sexualize women. That is why my porn habit makes me so mad at myself. I realize that it is not an addiction to actual masturbation - it is an addiction to the imagrey. I remember reading somewhere that when the brain sees a shocking image it releases dopamine and other feel-good hormones and that is why people develop addictions to shocking or perverse media. I have an impossible time stopping the urge when it comes because my brain seems to do such a good job at rationalizing it. "Oh Anthony, it's ok, everyone else does it. You're single anyway - if it relieves some pent up frustration then go ahead! Big deal!". It is also hard because like I said, I was exposed to it in my day-care memories and I'm 21 now so that's what...at least 18 years. 16 of which were guilt and inhibition-free! Hard habit to break!
Anyway, I hope I didn;t offend anyone on here. I really admire all the wonderful women on this forum and they have helped set such an example of what women truly are and overcome the social conditioning out of which I'm still wriggling and writhing. It is insane how I can be something 99% of the time but then have an old habit that seems to absolutely contradict everything else I believe in. I hope I don't lower anyone's opinion of me. I hate to play this card but it really isn't my fault. I'm trying so hard to break this habit!
If anyone has any input or advice I'd really appreciate it.
Thanks guys. |
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Scott
USA
969 Posts |
Posted - Mar 05 2009 : 8:51:37 PM
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Hey man,
I have similar issues. An idea for you would be to just completely stop yourself from ever looking at porn again.
I know that this kind of addiction is really hard to get past. |
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jillatay
USA
206 Posts |
Posted - Mar 05 2009 : 9:32:54 PM
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First Anthony I'm sorry but I did get a little mad.  Women suffer so from the whole porn industry.   But that is another topic. Then I realized you are a victim of it too. Children exposed to sexuality out of their level of development can cause terrible problems. It happened to me as a child (I won't go into details) but it made me hypersexual in my youth. My husband helped me heal by accepting me totally.  So I will try to pay it forward. Try getting some literature like The Sexual Healing Journey or Emotional Incest. This is NOT a question of will power. You have unresolved issues that require insight, understanding and kindness. When you honor that little child who was out of his element you will see that the whole thing will resolve itself.
Love and blessings,
Jill |
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Mar 06 2009 : 01:11:32 AM
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Anthony, I'm very grateful for your courage and honesty in your post above.
There's a great site that I mention often when these things come up:
www.reuniting.info
On that site you'll find info on just about everything that concerns the tricky dopamine cycle, which is the "reward" hormone in the brain. It's not only "shocking" images that produces a dopamine release, but actually everything NEW. Every new girl gives a shot, whether you see her on the street or in porn! 
If you read the material on the site you will understand that many, many men AND women are caught in porn like you are! And as Jillatay says - many also have a background of being exposed to adult sexuality in early ages! They have a support forum on the site and I know there are groups of people there who wishes to work with their porn issues. I'm sure you'll find them if you make a search.
It's easy to build up shame and self-blame around this. Please, know that Love permeates all! We created all this as consciousness - porn included, and then, we have gathered experience from living life! We are all in the same boat! Noone to blame! On the contrary, the beauty is to see people waking up like you, becoming more and more aware and willing to be responsible. Just remember the AYP teachings - forced yamas and niyamas seldom work! Putting up restrictions may make you a pressure boiler without real progress. Allowing what is is the standard key... and then take it from there! It's very tiring and frustrating to believe we shouldn't watch porn when in fact we do! (for further investigation of how we loose 100% of the time when we fight reality, please read Byron Katie - Loving what is).
It's not until we relax about an issue and allow it fully, that we can open up to other possibilities to act differently. |
Edited by - emc on Mar 06 2009 01:16:49 AM |
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themysticseeker
USA
342 Posts |
Posted - Mar 06 2009 : 02:44:05 AM
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Me... Tantric... Guilt... Not acceptable... Judgments... Intolerable... So you like porn? So you masturbate too much? So. Bramhacharya is not required.
All that matters is your mind. Abstain from judging, worrying, guilt and morals. Duality is the pitfall.
You are good. Just continue in the silence....
Love,
TMS |
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Anthem
1608 Posts |
Posted - Mar 06 2009 : 09:54:54 AM
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quote:
1. I'm having a difficult time with my bramacharya. To me, it is simply the practice of preserving sexual energy. Unfortunately, early on in my AYP career ejaculation became demonized to me because I thought non-ejeculating would be the magic key to Kundalini.
I recognize this thought, had similar ones myself. It is truly overblown so I dropped these ideas which simply made me suffer and develop a slew of negative thoughts around ejaculating too much or how long I should go without etc.
Truth is I had never heard of tantra or brahmacharya prior to having a kundalini awakening in 2005. I wasn't over-doing sex at the time relative to my levels of my sexual energy, perhaps averaging 2 times a week of "traditional" ejaculatory sex. There was no guilt or worry associated with sex during this period of my life.
These days I enjoy non-ejaculatory sex far more so favour that. Once in a while to satisfy my partner I will have an orgasm, if I have too many in a short period of time, then I feel the depletion and can see how that might slow progress down.
I really don't think pornography is a big deal, give yourself a break, as you mention you have a deep respect and reverence for women. Perhaps contemplate what you like about pornography? Eventually it can be seen that external objects have very little to do with internal good feelings. The more you add guilt and resistance into the equation, the more the habit will linger. Acceptance is key, perhaps try to limit your time down little by little as you feel the need to or just let it fall away on its own from practices.
Best of luck!
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sushman
India
86 Posts |
Posted - Mar 06 2009 : 2:11:08 PM
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Anthony, first of all, non-ejaculation for sustained period of time does not automatically result in K-awakening....if thats the case, my K should have been awakened by now. its not the case. so, don't beat yourself on it.
Also, why don't you find a girlfriend? that should help get things (masturbation and porn addiction) under control. when you have a partner, you may not be tempted to sex as much. mind is a tricky thing . It wants what it can't get.
Good luck !!! |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Mar 06 2009 : 2:13:55 PM
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I see what you are saying sushman, but you can't really just go buy a girlfriend. And sometimes there is a ridiculous amount of wasted energy in searching for a partner. Just thought I should mention this.
Love,
Carson |
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anthony574
USA
549 Posts |
Posted - Mar 06 2009 : 2:55:14 PM
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Yeah, I'm all about the idea of having a girlfriend. I don't have the slightest clue why I don't...I think I am meant to be single right now. I am learning a lot about relationships by not being in one.
Jillatay and EMC, thanks for your compassion. I was worried that you would be offended and I'm glad that you see that it is the result of early exposure. I have read the site rueniting,org. unfortunately, i cant get to it on my computer. i get the gyst of it though. i do wish i could use the forums.
TMS, that is a response I expected from you  I am actually very aware of the destructiveness and absurdity at being mad at myself about it and I try to practice letting those feelings go into stillness. But, if you do something and it registers deep down as wrong, but you continue to do it, it does create some inner turmoil that I do think is damaging. It causes somewhat of a rift in your conciousness.
Carson, I agree. I do not spend a lot of energy seeking a girl. Anyone I've ever met that went anywhere was totally random.
Sushman and Anthem, I have come to realize that non-ejculating does not result in kundalini. In fact, I don't notice a sliver of a difference except maybe in my mind. In fact, some great experiences and deep meditations have occured on the same day or after ejaculating so I don't see a real relationship. I can't seem to get past the part of my that believes it is draining...I guess I just have faith in it because of what Yogani and other traditions say about it. Once again, it is painful because of the rift it causes. I don't really want to do something, then another part of me jumps up an drowns the other part out and convinces me to do something...then Im left feeling conflicted. You know what I mean? |
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Anthem
1608 Posts |
Posted - Mar 06 2009 : 3:09:28 PM
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Hi Anthony,
Yogani has said that ejaculation once a week is not a problem, I would add especially not a problem for younger yogis.
Let it happen organically, sometimes don't ejaculate, sometimes do, you can favour one without abandoning or demonizing the other. I think the occasional ejaculation is good for you, I often have abundant ecstatic energy circulating throughout my nervous system afterwards especially if it is the first time in a while.
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anthony574
USA
549 Posts |
Posted - Mar 06 2009 : 9:56:20 PM
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| Yeah, there have been times where it did feel helpful. Sometimes it can clear out unwanted emotions. |
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gumpi
United Kingdom
546 Posts |
Posted - Mar 07 2009 : 1:10:00 PM
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I have the same problem pretty much. All i think i can add is that you just have to keep using your will power to abstain for longer and longer periods as time goes by, but i am not an example of this so no point in listening to me.
Some people on these forums have said that sexual fluids have nothing to do with kundalini and others have said otherwise. That is confusing isn't it? I personally don't know because i don't have kundalini.
I don't know what is wrong with me really. I am 29 now and still going at it like a dog. You can't just walk up to a girl on the street and say, "hey fancy a boyfriend?". it doesn't work like that. I had a girlfriend years ago and i can testify that i never wanted to masturbate at the time, not only because i was worn out (!) but because there was no time to do it. The dangly thing can get a bit swollen with sex but because you are in love you see no real reason to waste anything. You just don't feel you need to masturbate. So to get a girlfriend would be a good thing to keep that in check. But that is not so easy sometimes.
I can't really add anything or help. I wish i knew some way of abstaining that worked but as with all addictions the only real remedy is to make a firm stance in your mind that you won't do it. With sex it is slightly different because you can feel the lust building up if you suppress it and it is like a volcano waiting to explode! I can just add to what the others have said which is don't feel guilty about it or beat yourself up about it. The world would be a better place without addictions. |
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Etherfish
USA
3615 Posts |
Posted - Mar 07 2009 : 1:49:40 PM
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anthony - about porn addiction - exposed to it in daycare? OMG. Don't know what that would do to you. But instead of worrying about it and feeling guilty, try this: Go ahead and look at it when you feel the urge, for a limited time. But don't touch yourself at all. Instead try to take the energy and use it for spinal breathing. It can have interesting uses.
And saving sexual energy is key - try to hold out as long as possible - it makes a huge difference in practice results. |
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cosmic_troll
USA
229 Posts |
Posted - Mar 07 2009 : 6:28:33 PM
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Anthony, you might also try switching to softcore/erotic, especially since you feel guilty about sexualizing women. Generally speaking, softcore is not nearly as degrading to women (i.e. no "money shot", more balance between man/woman, woman is less of an object, etc.).
Don't take that as an endorsement. It's just clearly healthier than hardcore pornography, and may be a small gradual step towards total abstinence from porn. Like switching to light cigarettes before quitting smoking altogether
Balance, my friend
With Love
cosmic |
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anthony574
USA
549 Posts |
Posted - Mar 07 2009 : 7:16:09 PM
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Etherfish, that is an interesting idea...that would be quite difficult, though. Because I tend to not have the urge for 3-4 days afterwards I don't feel it now, but IF it happens again maybe I'll try that. And yes, I was exposed to sexual material very very early on in life. I masturbated since daycare, though I didn't know what it was at the time. It is an odd thing to reach orgasm when you're prepubescent...I can't even explain how that felt.
Cosmic, I have actually tried what you mentioned. Sometimes it worked and I did not feel the guilt, but it lead to harder stuff. It's like heroine addicts that convince themselves they are OK just smoking it...until they eventually go back to injecting. |
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Etherfish
USA
3615 Posts |
Posted - Mar 07 2009 : 11:13:56 PM
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| It is normal to be sexual before puberty. Society doesn't know that but kids do. I got in trouble for laying down on the merry-go-round in first grade so I could look up girls dresses! I remember the dopamine rush it gave me and I wanted more. |
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anthony574
USA
549 Posts |
Posted - Mar 08 2009 : 11:25:48 AM
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Yes, I learned from my ex-girlfriend who was a daycare worker that it is extremely normal for kids to masturbate. As for common it is for prepubescents to masturbate at least once a day I'm not really sure.
Sometimes it helps, but is also embarassing, to recount approximately how many times I have masturbated and/or looked at porn. If I started masturbating daily around daycare age, which I guess is age 4 or 5...and then did it without any inhibition until about 19...365 days a year...factor in twice daily sessions...thats about 5600 times. That's insane! According to daoism my "ching" should be completely shot beyond the point of repair! But sometimes it helps because I think about how hard it is to break a "drug" you've done nearly 6000 times.
I've taken to keeping a wall calendar and accounting for every time I either use porn or ejaculate. Although I'm dealing much better with the guilt it helps to at least account for times I slip up as a motivator. |
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Anthem
1608 Posts |
Posted - Mar 08 2009 : 12:42:29 PM
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Hi Anthony,
It's not about the past, it is about how we choose to act now. The good news is that the past no longer exists, all that exists is right now.
When I act in a way I would like to change, I let any judgments go about my past actions and then consciously state that I resolve to do it differently (the way I would like to act) going forward.
ps- I'm pretty sure your "ching" will recover. |
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Jack
United Kingdom
305 Posts |
Posted - Mar 08 2009 : 3:17:01 PM
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Hi Anthony,
I have been in this pornography cycle for a long time. Play with fire and you will get burned. It can take a little time to undo the damage.
Next time you have to watch porn, go ahead. But I have one suggestion. Pause the video when it is playing. Cover up the bouncy body parts for a moment and look into the EYES of that woman. Be open, silent. Just watch.
You may just come to a sudden turnaround.
Guilt and shame are the lowest human emotions, and they actually serve to REINFORCE the habit. So be willing to admit when you are indulging in guilt, be willing to surrender it.
PM/e-mail me, I can send you some really useful material on dealing with this.
Peace
Jack
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Jack
United Kingdom
305 Posts |
Posted - Mar 08 2009 : 3:18:34 PM
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"According to daoism my "ching" should be completely shot beyond the point of repair!"
Could you please explain, or share resources?? |
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anthony574
USA
549 Posts |
Posted - Mar 08 2009 : 9:25:13 PM
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I don't know, I just read one time about Taoism and they classify energy in different ways. Ching is sexual energy, I believe.
It in an interesting notion that guilt and shame reinforce the habit. Very counter-intuitive, but I can also see that it might be true. It certainly doesn't do a good job of stopping the habit, does it?
I know what you mean about really looking into the person. For a while I would think "would I want my sister to be in this?".
Jack, go ahead and email me that info. |
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Lili
Netherlands
372 Posts |
Posted - Mar 09 2009 : 06:30:34 AM
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Hi Anthony,
It seems that you are having unnecessary hard time. Not only were you exposed as a kid to stuff you shouldn't have had to deal with but also now you wind up beating yourself for behaviors that many people wouldn't care about. Why not just be easy on yourself, and especially avoid beating up on yourself for the wrong reason. If YOU think you have an issue then that's OK you can think of ways to deal with it. For instance Yogani recommends using the AA 12 step program for addictions. But if you feel you need to do something because Society, The Folks on the AYP Forum, or any other third party finds faults with your behavior then maybe you should just not listen to them, and enjoy your life AS IS. In time behaviors that are not beneficial for you will wither away naturally as a result of your AYP practice. And there are some people's sisters who are not embarassed by working in this industry such as this one http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jenna_Jameson
Good luck, Lili |
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Goddessinside
158 Posts |
Posted - Mar 09 2009 : 10:05:27 AM
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Hi Anthony,
Just wana say please don't feel guilty.
You have the will to face this addiction, and only for that, I say thank you.
When I first knew that my ex-partner was watching porno in my back, whereas he stopped to make love to me for 1 year and a half now, I felt tremendous anger and pain..
Then, after some time, and big work on myself, I finally felt understanding and compassion..
I understood it has nothing to do with me, and he is a free humanbeing who's working on himself, even if his way seems weird to me..
It happened to me that I cried while watching porno movies..
I did it to just try to understand how this big business works and how men's mind gets invloved with it..
I cried when I saw even pregnant women were participating in that.
It is really sad to see how women are being exposed..
Plus, watching porno on a regular basis makes one feel less and less sensual.. it becomes a "mind" thing and there is disconnection with reality, with the real woman..
That what happened with me and my ex..
But what can I do.. other than accepting, and letting go..
Whatever you feel as a problem, in this case, your adiction, it will not be enough to rely on your will only..
The guys here will advise you better on what you can do..
All I can say is you are a beautiful soul. Just take things as they come, and don't put ideas in your head; don't follow any "good" or "bad"..
See things as they are and try to watch what you feel when it happens..
Everything will pass.. just be total during meditation or any of your spiritual practices, and with time, all your energies will naturally turn towards higher desires..
It's happening to me; I'm a woman, yes, but I always was very attracted to sexuality.. it has always been natural, not out of any frustration or repression..
It's just that life taught me, in many ways, that I deserved much better than being seen as a sexual object..
Unfortunately, here, in my country, most men, if not all of them, look at women as sexual things..
Nobody is to be blamed for that: it's all about ignorance and fear..
The only solution is TO TURN IN.. once we get somehow connected with a source that provides us with higher pleasures, physical lust and desires will gradually fall by themselves..
I'm sending you a big hug and all my Love and support.
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Edited by - Goddessinside on Mar 09 2009 10:14:44 AM |
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Ananda
3115 Posts |
Posted - Mar 09 2009 : 2:22:23 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Goddessinside
Unfortunately, here, in my country, most men, if not all of them, look at women as sexual things..
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Goddessinside
158 Posts |
Posted - Mar 09 2009 : 5:53:37 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Ananda
quote:
Originally posted by Goddessinside
Unfortunately, here, in my country, most men, if not all of them, look at women as sexual things..
I mean, all men except 1...
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Mar 10 2009 : 02:29:43 AM
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Lili, I must say that I don't find your last sentence of your post, supported by the link, very accurate. The myth of the happy whore is dying. I don't think there's any point in trying to pump it alive again - it's so obviously not True. Most people in the business have severe sexual traumas behind them or aquire them during their time in the business, and are psychologically quite trashed. It even says in the link that she was raped several times as a child...
You may have your view, but I can assure you, there's very little truth in the myth of the happy whore if you go a bit deeper with it. I've gone deeper with it for 12 years doing research on the area, so I'm not saying it out of nowhere, if that gives any credibility... |
Edited by - emc on Mar 10 2009 02:59:54 AM |
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Very frustrated with myself!
