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brushjw
USA
191 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 31 2009 : 6:27:10 PM
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I've been sitting here for a half hour, wanting/not wanting to make this post. I've been helped tremendously for those who have posted, so here goes, in the hope that some may identify... and please, no lectures on self-pacing.
I've been feeling incredibly vulnerable lately. To the point where it affects me physically. I keep wanting to cross my arms around my chest. I come home from work and just want to stay in my bedroom. My desire to communicate has decreased. I've cut back a bit on Samyama because it seems to pull out so much that it increases the vulnerability. I feel like a household plant that's been brought out into the summer sun.
I did a search for "vulnerable" in the forums and found a couple of posts where this is mentioned.
From Katrine
http://www.aypsite.org/forum/topic....ID=1489#1489
"Eventually understanding ticked in: To be alive is to be vulnerable. Excruciatingly vulnerable. If I could manage to not prolong a hurt by mental activity....but simply watch it come and go....then all of a sudden there were no traces. And the less traces (memory...images...stories)....the less....adhesive tape for the "hurts" to hook on to. Gradually less and less identification with hurt. But also - the more vulnerable - the deeper the pain. And: The more vulnerable - the greater the love.
Love melts all."
and Anthem11
http://www.aypsite.org/forum/topic....ID=4307#4307
"I have also observed that after the experience of pain, ego is some how diminished, the "pureness" of what we are, our true nature, is more revealed. Pain purges, people are softer, vulnerable and more exposed after it burns our faulty ideas of reality away. The purging may not be beautiful, but what is left over reveals more beauty."
I am interested in others' experience with vulnerability on the AYP path.
Namaste,
Joe
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k123
118 Posts |
Posted - Feb 01 2009 : 06:48:09 AM
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Hello Joe,
I have often experienced this vulnerability. My old strategies would have been to move away from it as fast as possible with distractions, barriers etc. However, I have found something beautiful within the feeling of rawness. This may not be noticeable at the time when it can, indeed be very difficult just to stay with it and allow it all to just be, but afterwards, as Anthem says, a softening occurs. There is also a greater aliveness and ability to be present. My experience is that everything starts to open up and layers peel back.
I think there is a great gift in staying with those feelings and allowing them. What helps me at those times is to be very gentle with myself and also to become aware of physical feelings in my body without thinking about them. For me the tendancy was to try to push uncomfortable feelings away, but what helps more is to move my awareness directly onto the feelings and sit with them. If allowed to just be, I find they change and transform themselves, and as Anthem again says, reveal more beauty.
I think there will be a lot of transformation going on beneath these feelings. |
Edited by - k123 on Feb 01 2009 08:25:57 AM |
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Shredder
USA
34 Posts |
Posted - Feb 01 2009 : 12:11:57 PM
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Hi Joe, to be vulnerably you must be open. To be open seems like a good thing to be. But if it causes you discomfort, you may need to pull back, you seem to know self pacing so no more on that.
One thing about pulling back though, in the AYP lessons over and over I noticed Yogani say to live your life, be engaged in the world. So withdrawing to your room is not so productive and engaging the world would provide some distractions, and who knows maybe some fun. We can be serious without being somber, can't we? Hope this helps some and I'm sure your inner silence will pull you through this lull, good luck.......shredder |
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Divineis
Canada
420 Posts |
Posted - Feb 01 2009 : 3:37:06 PM
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I find there's so much beauty in human vulnerability. I've recently been through a pretty abusif situation, it felt things would never end, I'd feel completely and utterly delicate at times... I spent much time hoping that those abusing (and much of it was deserved in a way, I had much attitude to change) would notice this vulnerability, this delicateness of human life, and I learned that that's nonsense... just an egoic desire on my part for them to notice my suffering and for them to stop. BUt all suffering stems from attachment. And I thank these people for never easing up on my attitude, which wasn't and is never deserved, and for me learning that attachments is what extended my suffering.
I find there's just way too much suffering out in the world for me to take mine too seriously. An attitude of "no-mind" has helped me a lot lately. It's as if not conceptualizing everything leads you closer to the truth. It sometimes makes you feel worse about things, as if you understand them better without the minds conceptualization, but it's a "good" worse, a deserved worse. The mind, I find it's basically just a tool. It cannot, will not, ever be able to understand the truth of just how beautiful, vulnerable, delicate, grand, did I mention beautiful? hehe... life really is.
Vulnerability, it's a strength, I think god had a plan, and he made thignsn absolutly perfect, every feeling, absolute perfection. There's always something deeper to be found when we go into these feelings.
Thank you for making this post. Trust me, your vulnerability, it's perfect. |
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Jack
United Kingdom
305 Posts |
Posted - Feb 01 2009 : 4:57:41 PM
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The ego would make out that your innocence is your greatest weakness.
In reality, it is your greatest strength.
Commit to being kind, open, honest, innocent at all times without exception.
It will hurt like hell if you're in resistance to your feelings. Try 100% allowing them to be here.
My 2 pence.
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Yogajan
USA
49 Posts |
Posted - Feb 01 2009 : 5:18:40 PM
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Thanks Joe for the topic,
I can relate to the vulnerability you speak of and believe its beautiful on the one hand, and painful to be exposed to the sunlight as your plant analogy so well put on the other. The word that comes to me for myself in this vulnerability is exposed, I feel exposed in those places that I've spent my lifetime hiding. I've hidden fear, shame, etc. through my defenses and it feels like taking off all my clothes when they start falling away. Speaking to Kathy's reference to rawness, I read something this morning that spoke to me about this by a woman I enjoy reading, Charlotte Kasl. She says that through compassion and self-acceptance "we develop the willingness to share our feelings in their raw, vulnerable state, not after we've figured them out or gotten them under control." She goes on to say "we stop hiding...we accept our humanness and allow it to be seen." I've liked all the shares here.
thanks and blessings,
Jan
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Scott
USA
969 Posts |
Posted - Feb 01 2009 : 5:51:29 PM
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Very true stuff here.
Also...if you really really feel the need to be alone, it's not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes we need time to heal. |
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Etherfish
USA
3615 Posts |
Posted - Feb 01 2009 : 11:30:07 PM
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| Yes I think the important part is just let things be OK the way they are. One night I went to a class where I am usually full of energy, and i felt vulnerable, sad, quiet, withdrawn. I didn't try to change or hide anything like I previously would have. I just let it be. Then the next class tonight I was back to myself, and people had forgotten about last time. |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Feb 03 2009 : 12:54:01 AM
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Hey Joe....
Thanks for making this post....It is really honest and I'm glad that you decided to post it.
I can speak a bit to the feeling of being vulnerable as I have spent most of my life NOT being vulnerable by getting wasted on drugs all day every day, but NOW is a very different story. I don't feel that vulnerable today, but there are some days that are worse then others. What I find helps on days when I've feeling like "a household plant brought out into the sunshine", is take some deep breaths, not pranayama style, but just deep relaxing full breaths. No fancy visualizations about breathing in peace and breathing out your vulnerability, but just increasing the amount of oxygen in your blood seems to have a bit of an effect. Try to at least notice how you are breathing when you feel this way....I bet you are breathing shallower then usual and probably at least a bit faster. Slow it down a bit and breath deeply. Uncross your arms and maybe do a small back bend pushing out your chest a little. If you can. If it is too painful this may aggravate it I don't know. It has helped me some in times like these, but everyone is different right, so take what works and leave the rest . I wish you the best man, that was a wonderfully open post and I really appreciate you making it.
Love,
Carson |
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brushjw
USA
191 Posts |
Posted - Feb 04 2009 : 9:16:57 PM
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Thanks for all the thoughtful responses and encouragement. It means a lot to me. Reading slowly through the posts brought about a beautiful feeling of inner silence and connectedness. I love you guys and I love your messages... so different, yet all speaking to the heart.
Yes, ego diminishes. My voice keeps getting softer as there's less of a personality driving it. Less personality and more Being, more silence and light. More quiet and the sound of silence.
"Beauty in vulnerability"? I like it 
Namaste,
Joe
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Vulnerability
