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julied
USA
19 Posts |
 Posted - Dec 12 2007 : 10:40:25 AM
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Hello all divine beings...
I feel if I don't share this I might explode at best, at worst move more into unhealthy isolation.
I feel if I say nothing, or just journal, then I am the most ungrateful speck of light ever born, and that something amazing is lost.
I feel if I write someone I used to see as my teacher, then I risk his tendency is reach out and stop 'all' towards me... like slapping blinders on me from out of nowhere, in response to my reaching out, is really ever the best approach to anyone??? Good lord that act is so triggering, and by my perspective, reeks of arrogance and fear of the 'devoring, wild female'...
... What it is, is that I'm having trouble sussing out what the healthiest thing to do is...
... What troubles me, what I want to write about is what seems to be my Kundalini process 'acting up'...
Sometimes I am called into meditation. Like as if thrown to the ground and forced into it. If I'm driving I have to pull over, where I find myself literally head-falling back into blackness, blindness, and unconsciousness while my body finishes the steps of taking key out, locking door, putting seat back. If I'm working at computer, I stretch out on the floor and am out within seconds. If I'm sleeping even!!! I'm bolted clear up out of sleep, blink blink around me, then pass back out into the same journey darkness.
So - I got the call again, where I typically do my AYP session at 5:30A...
4:45A
the intense demand that I participate, so I lay down, feeling like I'm passing out from powerful drumming vibrations
... then I'm filtering in and out of state of Consciousness, conversations where I'm different ages, always naive (to me) - too open, revealing too freaking much
5:00A
a quick "Sorry, I have to go do this now", and then a scene of this teacher with his real-life lover, sitting in what always feels like real yabyum
... and I get physical sensations of it too, like actual pushing in, heat as if from actual hands certain spots of my body, like actual spine and breathing, actual heart and breast fluid warmth
... then I cried. I usually cry.
5:20A
responses to my crying "Oh, no no no - don't cry, it's okay", and additional conversation to me about everything
... but I miss it all, or I garble it, or there's actual harshness, and I move into a choppy, PTSD kind of fear response, call on my angels, shields, nullify, cancel, revoke any all agreements, a blanketing of "I dissolve everything (connections, visions, words, agreements, magics, etc.) not for my highest good"
... I haven't a clue what will stay or go, but I'm just gripping in this fear, pouring everything I have into dissolving..
5:30A
Finally I feel and relax into a very clean bubble space, I can see it, no holes, no leaks, and just me. I still see everyone same as before - the sex, who I'm assuming is teacher, everything - just outside of the bubble - so I say "IF you are for my highest good, then you may enter this space."
... Just the main character walks in, and as he does, only the Death aspect of him enters. He is grisly, yet all is calm - and I state my intention that he must be me, that there must be a shadow me, a death me, and here I see him.
... With that he traces a large eye at my 3rd eye, something that keeps happening, has happened before during my meditation times, and he inhales. A chunk of me there at my eye flies into him, and in his exhale, he pours in a blue light and utter dark blackness.
.....
At this point I'm calm again. I'm familiar with the blue light (I trust it), and I give a sigh, an "Oooh..." - like "I see now". Then he goes on about more to come this Saturday.
.....
Where I'm left with this???
PANICKED!!
So stupid of me.
I feel stupid stupid stupid.
I have these experiences, stuffs that a lot of people I meet would LOVE to have for themselves, are jonsing for these supposed signs of "good progress along the path" -- and what goes for me??? Panic??? PANIC???? What the ??? Why??? Here on this AYP, I know there are folks with greatly deepened practices, and I know I'm in good, balanced and healthy company writing here - just that, for Christ's sake - what the heck???
And I feel self-angry and impatient for myself for not having better physical hygiene, for not having already a regular exercise habit, a clean eating habit, a steady breathing habit... I feel self-angry for leaving all these little piles of bile and toxic stuffs wherever I go because these mini-explosions come up in me and I send outward rather than dissolve inward... I just feel PISSED OFF too, that _I_ am not the one having the real physical yabyum, that _I_ can't freaking keep soft and relaxed for an hour while something in me, or SOMEONE lobs evolution at me...
... Shoot. I am amped.  |
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Scott
USA
969 Posts |
Posted - Dec 12 2007 : 11:51:30 AM
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| It sounds to me like you're confusing reality with your imagination. |
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mikkiji
USA
219 Posts |
Posted - Dec 12 2007 : 12:14:02 PM
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Whether "real" or "imaginary" (what arbitrary distinctions we make...), if this is something you are experiencing, then you have to deal with it regardless. It sound to me as if there is very likely a good deal of purification going on here. Might be purification of samskaras, the sense impressions which can overwhelm us, good or bad. Or, it may be purification of actual physical impurities--structural, chemical, subtle or gross--does not really matter. My guru said that whenever we were having overwhelming or disturbing purification occurring, it was best to allow the awareness to "feel the body"--to become easily aware of the physical side of self--and as we feel the body, we will very likely become aware of some specific sensation or perception, which may be the center of this purification. So just sit comfortably and allow the awareness to rest easily on the sensation until we feel more comfortable. Hope this helps some--this can be a rough journey at times, especially when traveling the high-powered path of Kundalini!
Michael |
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Sparkle
Ireland
1457 Posts |
Posted - Dec 13 2007 : 5:52:08 PM
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Hi Julie
It’s been a little while since you posted, how are you doing now?
quote:
... What it is, is that I'm having trouble sussing out what the healthiest thing to do is...
The first things that come to mind are self-pacing and grounding.
Self-pacing: http://www.aypsite.org/forum/topic....ID=2139#2139
Grounding: http://www.aypsite.org/forum/topic....ID=2165#2165
Your ability to relax and dissolve deeply would appear to be high. This can bring you face to face with fears in an alarming way. It is the ego facing extinction, which it doesn’t like very much.
It is preferable to carry this work out in a gradual self-paced way, so that we can live a functional life, whilst at the same time enjoy the fruits of our practice.
quote:
Sometimes I am called into meditation. Like as if thrown to the ground and forced into it. If I'm driving I have to pull over, where I find myself literally head-falling back into blackness, blindness, and unconsciousness while my body finishes the steps of taking key out, locking door, putting seat back. If I'm working at computer, I stretch out on the floor and am out within seconds. If I'm sleeping even!!! I'm bolted clear up out of sleep, blink blink around me, then pass back out into the same journey darkness.
This reminds me of some of the stories I’m reading presently in the biography of Amma. Her bhakti, desire for God, was such that she would pass out on the beach for hours and have to be carried back and rejuvenated, sometimes completely covered in mosquitoes.
quote:
Finally I feel and relax into a very clean bubble space, I can see it, no holes, no leaks, and just me. I still see everyone same as before - the sex, who I'm assuming is teacher, everything - just outside of the bubble - so I say "IF you are for my highest good, then you may enter this space."
It seems like you were able to manage yourself into a safe place, which is good, and a sign that you have the strength to be in control. This is an important aspect to develop.
Can you tell us what your practice regime is?
All the best |
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julied
USA
19 Posts |
Posted - Dec 14 2007 : 09:20:14 AM
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Scott -  Hehehe... sounds like I gave my post the wrong topic then, should have been "Imagination acting up" instead??
Michael - Upon reading what you wrote, what your guru said, I distinctly recalled experiences of doing just that, of refocusing on physical sensations. What it does is seem to alter the experience so much that I feel like a 'bad' participant. In some group work I was once a part of, I would sometimes focus intently on my physical experience - it was like falling through an elevator shaft, like jumping off a high level or floor somewhere up, without any proper way down. What I want to say is I haven't been able to refocus on me during these events without a sense of increased soul-level injury. Still.... I have a strong feeling that I am stuck in between root, sacral and solar plexus karmic patterns, and that the vision and physical work takes on different forms depending on my degree of relaxation and fear around it all.
Sparkle - Hi, I like the checking in.  The panic left within a few hours of my writing here. There's been a new teacher I've contracted with, and the vibration of her was like a mother soothing. On the sex parts she gave completely new perspectives that I'd never felt before, a kind of huge empathic hugging understanding... I feel like someone finally heard me saying "I feel too young!" for all this. I feel a lot better overall.
Honestly I do feel there's a great deal of my own ego in play here. A GREAT DEAL!!! LOL... Not that my experiences are exaggerated or added to in any way, just that I feel attached to them, I feel resistant to working on other areas like moving into heart work and throat expressions. Quite possibly I am the source of the giganticness of everything being all swirling-stuck-amazing in my lower 3 chakras, in that I seem too enthralled to do anything about clearing the path any higher.
My practice? Freakishly simple. I sit twice a day, eyes closed, and I let body sense dictate the length of the meditation. It's never more than 20 minutes, never less than 5, never no resting afterwards into full return. I do mudra and mantra work if mind is restless. Otherwise I just watch my breathing. It always settles into fullness. I always settle into a deep pulse, a deep long vibration. I wish I didn't go so deep so easily to be honest - makes me feel freakish to rejoin the rest of the world in a state of silence about what feels like having just returned from the greatest trip-travel of my life. Even when nothing happens, even when mind and body is restless the entire time, I still feel freakish, and sneaky... like having sotted off to visit my hidden pirate's treasure chest real quick, then having come back blinking "Who me?? Filled with gems?? Nah, look elsewhere..."
Saturday comes in a day. All spirit messages I've been having since I posted last have been for me to eat nothing, to clear the path. I am eating in spite of it, cuz I'm nervous and not looking forward to more of the same. It's time lost, mostly, in my passing out. Totally yes, many times it's intensely rejuvenating - the world, plants, sky, the space in between the air glows and shimmies and this is truly heaven on earth... Just that I kind of feel selfish, and power-tripping, that I didn't get to dictate anything about the process or outcome... My bad. |
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julied
USA
19 Posts |
Posted - Dec 15 2007 : 3:05:43 PM
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| Is it possible to experience ego-death too early? Like in the wrong hands, of a dark magic practitioner who delivers Chod without ensuring participants have the sufficient purification? The absence of my inner passion sometimes, and all the things I've been involved with and experienced makes me feel like I'm the walking dead.... So much energy driving things, so little of me driving things. |
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weaver
832 Posts |
Posted - Dec 15 2007 : 7:38:12 PM
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Dear Julie,
What you describe, the transformation of one's sense of identity by kundalini, can be a difficult experience in life if it happens in an unbalanced way. So, in a sense, yes, ego-death can come too early, if the transformation goes too quickly, so there are not enough points of reference to hang on to as the basis for one's sense of self. There is even a possibility that identity-crisis could be experienced in extreme cases, if one has the wrong approach to this process. Hopefully, this should be very temporary.
The most obvious way to handle the speed of spiritual transformation in general is to apply self-pacing and grounding, as already advised above. You describe that you do spiritual practice twice a day from 5 to 20 minutes, and that you go deep. Going deep in itself will likely facilitate faster spiritual transformation. If you want to slow down your spiritual transformation it would make sense to immerse more in physical, mundane life, instead of going within. This has also been covered thoroughly in other topics, like this recent one: http://www.aypsite.org/forum/topic....OPIC_ID=3259.
Regarding the practices that you describe that you do, I'm not familiar with how they will affect the process of kundalini and spiritual transformation, and the level of influence and balance they can give you, the practitioner, of the process. You may want to take this into consideration if you haven't already. I know that AYP practices have been tested quite extensively for creating optimum balance. One important element in AYP practices is that a proactive approach is taken in general, which makes the results more predictable.
The next, and possibly most important, factor of the transformation of one's sense of identity in this context, when it comes to how we will experience it, is our response to it, conceptually, mentally and emotionally. The more we resist it in any of these aspects of our consciousness, the more difficult it will be. Once the kundalini process has passed a critical point, it can not be turned off or reversed. Kundalini will transform us in all areas, whether we want it or not. It will clean out all human imperfections, and will align us with our true divine nature, however we want to define it. This will include our sense of identity.
The smoothest way to "pass through" this transformation is to have a completely accepting attitude toward it. Our sense of identity as humans is largely a product of our image of ourselves and our beliefs of who we are in relation to others and the world. It is often based on the belief that we in essence are our physical body. We are often very attached to this sense of identity, that we have built over many years.
Kundalini will remove all these self-constructed images and beliefs about ourselves whether we want it or not. The more willing we are to let go of these, and our attachments to them, the smoother the process will be. It could even make sense to adopt a completely open attitude, to be whatever we will be. Those who believe in God can have an advantage here, if they are willing to give themselves up to God completely and unconditionally. When the process is completed, it is often described that our new sense of identity will be like "pure consciousness", which is in oneness with everything. This state of being has been called Enlightenment or Liberation.
This site http://www.lovebliss.eu/Selfrealization.htm has good discussions of the process of spiritual transformation. What you describe as ego-death could be compared to what he calls the "Dark Night of the Mind". He says: "Dark Night of the Mind is the mind's and the I's fight against you getting free of identification with them." Then he describes "First stage of Self realization is a state of freedom from the small I" and so on. He describes the further stages as well.
May your Path be smooth! |
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K acting up
