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Maximus
India
187 Posts |
 Posted - Dec 07 2007 : 2:10:54 PM
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Painstakingly I have come to realize I wouldn't call love what my mom shows. It is purely conditional and bound. Just because she brought me up she expects me to behave in certain ways she had always imagined. She is into nitty gritty details of things and making protective walls like they aren't going to vanish one day. In many ways she is like the person that brings up a cheetah like a sheep, feeding vegetables & grass, deriving personal gratification from a protected & restricted bringing up, never admitting it is for their own selfishness. Just to give one example, I was having a gynecomastia - a condition which causes female like breasts. Unable to bear the embarassment, I had consulted with the doctor & set up an operation. My mom was jumping from sky to earth all the time, asking me not to have the operation and that there was no need for the operation. That day it struck me like a thunder bolt how she doesn't at all love me, and just because she was afraid of surgeries she wanted me to follow her words like a puppet. And she is trying to marry off my sister to someone she doesn't love but it is alright because my mom likes him.
Orphans don't have these problems. They are free to live their heart. I can imagine how much free I would feel in this world if I didn't have parents. It would be complimentary to an Yogic path of living which is all about coming out of comfort zones and living a bigger life. It would hasten my evolution. |
Edited by - Maximus on Dec 07 2007 2:16:01 PM |
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Dec 07 2007 : 3:48:11 PM
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Hi Maximus,
I recognize the kind of reasoning you are into. Family and especially MUM is a hard one to let go of, but it is possible. Family is so deep into our patterns that they almost feels interwoven with oneself. How can members of a family NOT be pushing each others buttons all the time? Impossible not to, it seems.
But there are ways to diminish the impact family can have on your life. It's really a choice we have, how to respond to things like those you describe. For me, it has been such a revolutionary great help to get into Byron Katie's The Work on issues like this. Do you know about her four questions and a turnaround? You can read about her work here:
www.thework.com
Yogani is recommending her method as well:
http://www.aypsite.org/forum/topic....TOPIC_ID=968
I have found it extremely successful, because it works not only to transform the persons mind, but also as a kind of magic... the outer world changes accordingly when insights drop down! And it brings you back home to truth! The work takes you to a place where you slowly realize everything is projections. It's hard to take in the beginning, but it is actually true.
Two examples:
1) I did The Work with a lady who had been irritated for years with her mate who was the silent type, and she wanted so much to have lively conversations with him, especially about their relationship. During our Work, she realized SHE was the one being silent about how she really felt about the situation. She had been keeping her frustration within herself - and then blamed HIM for being silent!  She thanked me for a great session. But the real gratefulness was received the day after. Then she told me:
- It's a miracle! When my partner came home, the first thing he said was: Hey, can't we just sit down and talk about us this evening????
2) My neighbour rang the bell and stormed in with great frustration over her lodger who never helped to clean the flat, and he was just sitting in the sofa, watching TV or closed the door to his room. We did the Work and after some great laughs it turned out that SHE had piles of books on the floor irritating her, she had several areas of her flat that she was ashamed not to have cleaned in a long time and thought about it everytime she saw it. And she had stopped being nice to her lodger, not talking to him, just closed the door and went into her room... In the end of the Work it also turned out she knew he had a depression. No wonder the guy didn't make a move, particularly when she behaved the way she did.
The next day I got a call from her:
- Jeeeeez! Do you know what happened when I got home after visiting you? My lodger came out from his room and suggested that we'd clean the house the next day together to have some company at the same time!
When you change your inner world the outer world changes too. The outer world is always a reflection of your inner world. You see the world you create for your self.
I gladly repeat my favourite quote of Gandhi:
"The only devils that exist in the world are those running around in our own hearts, and that is where all our battles ought to be fought."
Every frustration and pain is an invitation to take a deeper look into your own heart. Even though it is difficult when in the middle of it, try to receive your mum's behaviour as a gift - it will bring you quicker to your Real Self if you decide to "stay in the pain" and question your ideas and thoughts about it.
With love,
emc |
Edited by - emc on Dec 07 2007 3:49:50 PM |
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Scott
USA
969 Posts |
Posted - Dec 07 2007 : 4:49:16 PM
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Maximus,
Are you too young to leave home? |
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weaver
832 Posts |
Posted - Dec 07 2007 : 8:31:45 PM
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Hi Maximus,
Thank you for sharing this. Yes, your mom displays possessive behavior in what you describe and apparently finds gratification in attempting to control the lives of her children to fulfill her own desires while neglecting their own independence and what might be best for them.
When you express advantages of being an orphan or not having a family, it shows that this situation has gone quite far. I have never heard anyone saying this before. A family is supposed to provide loving support for the children at the same time as it prepares them for the independence of their own lives. However, you have a big advantage in following a spiritual path and doing yoga practices in your life. This will give you independence of consciousness even if this is not yet manifest in your outer physical aspects of life. As spiritual beings we really are our consciousness. And, if you haven't yet, it will hopefully not be too long before you can move out from your mom's house and gain physical independence as well.
There is often a reason why we encounter specific things in life. Have you considered if there possibly could be a need for you to learn to assert yourself more in relation to others or to your mother? And, when doing this it's important to do it in a balanced way, preferably with the intent to help the other person understand that everyone is entitled to respect and independence.
May you find freedom! |
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Eddie33
USA
120 Posts |
Posted - Dec 07 2007 : 10:08:16 PM
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I here ya man. Family problems suck. Especially where you are in such a different place than they the rest of your family is. I say just accept it the best you can. This may help you create a subtle intention to change it for the better which will manifest itself porbably. It's like people aren't even aware of what they do for the msot part. hey are like robots. Just you notcing it helps, especially when you get past your own robotic reactions to it. Become like a mirror to them almost. And they will change naturally.
peace |
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anthony574
USA
549 Posts |
Posted - Dec 09 2007 : 4:43:02 PM
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I have a lot of trouble sometimes with the obligations of family and my dues to them. Is it reasonable to feel obligation to one's parents and family for having "brought you up?" I know it sounds like something from a family sitcom, but "I didn't ask to be born!".
I think part of the spiritual journey, as I believe Jesus had said more or less, is to shed yourself of your family ties...unless you happen to come from a family of yogis :-) I am finding a lot of conflict in my path and my family...but a lot of this is in my mind. Everytime, for example, I have had any sort of mystical experience be it an out-of-body thing or just something really weird, I always have the bail-out reaction because my first thought is "oh no! what is my grandparents wonder why I am acting differently? They'll think I'm crazy!" most families and friends are made uncomfortable by change because it is a deviation from their held image of you, their attachment to you as you are currently. If this is to change it had profound implications not only for their percpetions of you, but also for their views of themselves. |
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Eddie33
USA
120 Posts |
Posted - Dec 09 2007 : 5:13:21 PM
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i love these type of topics. i need to talk more about the more personal aspects of the path. it's very grounding and doesn't leave me stuck in a whirlwind of directionless thoughts.
anyway, i just got into a fight with my dad and my brother. my brother is this cocky arrogant insensitive %^&*. We get home from Panera bread and are about to sit down at the TV and I tell them that I don't feel like watching football. They know that I don't like watching sports, it is nothing new. Reguardless my brother found it nesecary to insult me calling me a homo. Because I don't like sports. Then i react emotionally to his comments, yellilng at him for things that are in my mind way more justified than his insults that he feels like calling me.
So he's calling me all the names really being an ass, I'm coming up with more "rational" things to get mad at him like "get out of this house, you don't lift a finger for anything or anybody, why do you live here!"
The whole time my dad is eyeballing me and is like "Ed why are you like this?!!?"
That really gets me, when my dad puts all his attention on me like I'm the only one to blame.
Ahh whatever..
All in all just a bunch of monkeys fighting over bananas.
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weaver
832 Posts |
Posted - Dec 09 2007 : 8:22:30 PM
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Hi Anthony,
You bring up many important considerations about spiritual aspects of family relations. I will add some comments on how I see this.
quote:
Is it reasonable to feel obligation to one's parents and family for having "brought you up?" I know it sounds like something from a family sitcom, but "I didn't ask to be born!".
This question will of course have to be resolved in your own heart. If children are treated decently, I think they will most of the time, at least later in life, feel some measure of gratitude to their parents for having supported them in life (at least when they grew up). The main function that parents have is to provide a safe and loving environment for their children when they grow up. As an adult, I don't see a reason for feeling any specific obligation to one's parents, in the sense that one owes them something back formally for them having brought one up. However, if there is some measure of love present, it makes sense to show this in our relation with them. Talking about "owing", that could be what we owe them.
quote:
most families and friends are made uncomfortable by change because it is a deviation from their held image of you, their attachment to you as you are currently. If this is to change it had profound implications not only for their percpetions of you, but also for their views of themselves.
This consideration needs to be dealt with by anyone on the spiritual path. Maintaining loving and respectful relations with one's parents (or others) doesn't mean to conform with their image or expectations of how one should be or live one's life. It's important to (dare to) become completely independent and to find oneself spiritually. I think that is what Jesus had in mind in what you said. This will take some effort, but if others see that you are firm in your intentions about this, they will have to adjust their views and image of you. Yes, it may have profound implications as you say, but so be it. In some cases parents may try all sorts of bribes to try to keep their children in their "mold", even after they have grown up. But there is no obligation spiritually to conform to anybody's image of oneself. On the other hand, one would be doing them a disservice spiritually by not showing that there can be more to one's life than what is contained in their limited view. Self-transcendence is the essence of life.
Any resistance or hesitation that we may feel against breaking free from others image of us, is just an attachment, and is based on the ego. Fortunately, doing spiritual practices like AYP will dissolve all such attachments, so there will be true freedom to become anything in terms of divine qualities, while at the same time getting rid of the ego and its attachments. |
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mikkiji
USA
219 Posts |
Posted - Dec 10 2007 : 1:43:21 PM
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"Like monkeys fighting over bananas"... Oh my! That makes me so sad for you--that so many feel their families of origin have stood in the way of their evolution. Family can be the center of our spiritual path, because family is the home of devotion, and the devotional path--the path of the heart--is taught and learned at Mother's knee. It is practiced with brothers and sisters, and comes to fruition in devotion to one's spouse and one's own children. We cannot learn to love in a vacuum--we must practice, however imperfectly, by the examples we receive at home. The family which is devoid of love is without a center and has nothing holding it together. Perhaps it is luck, perhaps karma, but i loved my mother and father, however they treated me, whatever they did or didn't do for me. Sometimes they confused me, but I always felt their love, and always felt love for them. My mother died in my arms, 9 years ago--and it was one of the most intense spiritual experiences of my life--I felt she had given me a great gift by sharing her transition from this life with me
My 2 children were orphans when we adopted them--no families whatsoever. But our gift of family to them was small compared to their gift to us--their child's devotion to mother and father, my very identity as father, given to me by my children, makes me joyous every day. They are grown now, and I see my wife's and my values and visions unfolding in their lives--it is a great wonder to be completing the circle I began with my own parents so long ago. My ultimate devotional center was the family I created with my wife, even before we adopted our kids. Modeled largely on the joyousness we both experienced in our families of origin, we sought to build a foundation of trust, faith, love and communication in which to raise our own children. I believe we succeeded to a great extent. My wife is gone now, leaving me with my children, but leaving us all with her devotion to our happiness, safety, growth and stability.
I suppose I'm just trying to give a balanced view--family is not always something to run away from. Family can be, in the best of circumstances, the vehicle on which our hearts may travel the path of devotion...
Michael |
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anthony574
USA
549 Posts |
Posted - Dec 10 2007 : 4:32:19 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Eddie33
i They know that I don't like watching sports, it is nothing new. Reguardless my brother found it nesecary to insult me calling me a homo.
Yeah, I'm apparently a homosexual because I wear a scarf in the wintertime :-)
I used to take those things personally, but now they are somewhat amusing...in a sad way. Like you said, monkeys :-) |
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I wish there were no families
