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qspadone
France
5 Posts |
 Posted - Jul 03 2024 : 3:02:01 PM
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So, this is it for me, guys.
Trying to get the DM procedure right through daily practice over the last couple of months has nearly destroyed everything that I hold dear in my life.
Let me explain.
Rarely have I ever felt as lonely, out of wreck, and unstable as since I have started trying to get the DM procedure right. I nearly lost my job, my marriage and many others things.
I have found another practice which works wonders, and that is not the Deep Meditation as taught by Yogani.
Eckhart Tolle puts it simply: The key is to be in a state of permanent connectedness with your inner body - to feel it at all times. This will rapidly deepen and transform your life. |
Edited by - qspadone on Jul 03 2024 3:08:34 PM |
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Christi
United Kingdom
4428 Posts |
Posted - Jul 03 2024 : 5:27:18 PM
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quote:
So, this is it for me, guys.
Trying to get the DM procedure right through daily practice over the last couple of months has nearly destroyed everything that I hold dear in my life.
Let me explain.
Rarely have I ever felt as lonely, out of wreck, and unstable as since I have started trying to get the DM procedure right. I nearly lost my job, my marriage and many others things.
I have found another practice which works wonders, and that is not the Deep Meditation as taught by Yogani.
Eckhart Tolle puts it simply: The key is to be in a state of permanent connectedness with your inner body - to feel it at all times. This will rapidly deepen and transform your life.
Hi Qspadone,
Sorry to hear about the difficulties you have been having. You did write a post a couple of weeks back saying that you had cut Spinal Breathing and Samyama out if your practice for self-pacing reasons and were down to only Deep Meditation. But you were asking at that time what would be the best practice to add to your daily routine in order to increase your practices again, so I assumed that you were stable, or at least had the situation in hand.
It does sound as if you have not been self-pacing as needed. If anything is happening in your practice that is uncomfortable then you need to be self-pacing downwards and if you still feel uncomfortable then you need to cut back more. The bottom limit is zero, meaning no practices at all. You certainly should not be in a state where your life is falling apart and you are still trying to work out how Deep Meditation works! You should have self-paced to zero long before anything like that happens.
If you find yourself in a similar situation with spiritual practices in the future, then cut back and keep cutting back, until you find a stable level of practice, and at the same time increase daily grounding practices to keep yourself stable and balanced.
This is a video I filmed for YouTube on managing a painful kundalini awakening.
https://youtu.be/uFzmaLQ7mw0?si=aW4NAfOrRFgpICzN |
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qspadone
France
5 Posts |
Posted - Jul 03 2024 : 10:35:22 PM
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I?m currently 27 yo.
I smoked a lot of weed in my late teenage years and into my mid twenties. I don?t know why I kept smoking; I quickly developped regular panick attacks, and paranoiac type of symptoms when high.
I tried mushrooms and LSD a couple of times and had major, profound spiritual experiences.
The last time I smoked weed, I did it 24/7 for about 3 weeks, still engaging in daily activities, going to work, driving, ? This was a year or two ago.
I took a lot of other drugs too: MDMA, cocain, ?
I did a lot of excesses when it comes to alcohol, too.
I was in recovery for sexual compulsive behavior for a couple of years, recently.
My partner is an active alcoholic.
Anyway, my 12 Step sponsor at the same kept pushing me to do more and more spiritual practices, to the point of turning every self-centered thought into a God-centered thought.
At that point my main relationships were still a complete disaster.
I believe my first spontaneous kundalini awakening happened while on a trip with my brother and dad. Being with them has always been extremely difficult with all the abuse (physical, sexual) that went on after my mom died of cancer at age 12. I was bullied at school, too.
I believe this was a spontaneous spiritual awakening because my mind suddenly went quiet and this lasted for a solid several weeks. I barely got any sleep during that time and spent more than 10 hours a day doing automatic yoga. Most of the advanced techniques (mudras, bandhas, ?) described in the AYP lessons happened by themselves during that time. I was not engaged in AYP at the time this happened. The only experience I had with AYP prior to that was approximately 5 years prior, where I did asanas, SPB and DM for a solid six months. It did not go well and I had to stop all practices, unfortunately. Back to the spontaneous spiritual awakening: I remember calling a 12-Step fellow whose first reaction was: ?dude, don?t forget to engage in the world and keep grounded?. Around that time, and still with no AYP routine whatsoever (I was however engaging almost 24/7 in a practice which you could call body scan, where I would try to flood my inner body with attention, sometimes without a specific location, sometimes with a specific one), I experienced what I believe was a heart chakra opening. Unending waves of pleasure were coming out of my chest. It reminded me of the feeling you get after taking ecstasy pills. Intense sh*t. It stopped by itself, I think. This happened after I specifically targeted my heart chakra with sustained attention for long periods of time. I wanted to learn about chakras at the time and spent all day targeting all of them, trying to find them, and amplify the energy sensations where I thought they were. Now, I had some pretty positive results but it was too chaotic and I began to think this lacked structure.
Few months later, I believe I had a crown opening. I was engaged in structure AYP practice, at that time. I remember that from the day I started doing structured AYP, it has been nearly impossible to find any sort of steady result or stability. I have yet been unable to completely quit practicing, as I am afraid that if I stop practicing, my ego will remain a block to the life that I want to live. I have a really tough job which requires me to be focused in front of a screen for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week and it has been close to impossible to find serenity in it. The reasons I do spiritual practices is to get rid of my ego. I don?t see myself stopping. So, here?s the deal: when I seek God, I experience things which are uncomfortable, and when I don?t, my ego is in the way of the life that I want to live. I have been unable to find middle ground. I meditated for 2 minutes the other day and my head was filled with energy and I felt completely separated from the world. Other times when I go to work, despite the morning meditation, this ball of stress eats me from within. It lasted a week, last time. The following week-end I did SPB and DM and was bed-ridden for two whole days and the only thing which relieved me was to concentrate on my inner energetic field and feel it until all energy dissolved. This is what I currently do. It brings me more peace and serenity than any AYP practice.
I have so much anxiety that I have been prescribed xanax, twice, over the past two months. Mainly because of work burn-outs.
Everything scares me. But I have always been like that. I can?t say it?s all because of AYP. The reason I?m seeking God in the first place is to be rid of my fears and insecurities.
So, back to this practice that I currently do: this is the only thing which brings me peace and serenity, and helps me engage in the world in a sane way. I don?t know why, I don?t know how it works, I just know that it helps. This is the technique that I described earlier, when I flood my inner energetic body with attention. I can do this continuously, all day. Maybe this is grounding my energies, I don?t know.
At other times, I?ll let go completely and not even do this practice, but I?ll still experience a lot of uncomfortable things such as head pressure, eye pressure, automatic sambhavi, automatic asanas, ? maybe I just haven?t given enough time off practices. There?s something in my, maybe a fear, which keeps bringing me back to them sooner than I probably should. This fear that without the practices, I won?t be able to cope with the harshness of the world and its demands upon me. I need something to protect me, and this is why I use those practices. I don?t know. Just trying to make sense of what?s happened, and keep happening. This loop which I?m stuck in.
I tried for a few days to follow what Yogani talks in Lesson 367:
If structured sitting by the clock with the passive awareness technique is still causing too much purification and discomfort, then you can step back from the sittings altogether, and simply notice what is impacting your awareness during daily activity, and gradually learn to allow it to go as it will without excessive judgment or attachment. This is more in the realm of self-inquiry, where there is no intention to do anything with mind or awareness, except noticing impressions as they occur and allowing life to proceed according to its own flow. In that, we can come to know that all is happening as it should. This is the least proactive of all the styles of meditation and, in fact, is not a structured form of meditation at all. But it is a practice, or a way of looking at the world that can be cultivated with beneficial results over time.
However, I was hoping that this would finally bring about the stillness in action which he talks about, yet nothing got done at work that week. It then triggered some fears of getting fired, and I felt compelled to start the DM routine again.
Something else I thought I would mention: I found a lot of peace in doing ujjayi breathing while engaged in daily activity. I took it to the point where I would do it all day, several days in a row. There was also periods of time where I kept my awareness of my breath, all day, for several days in a row.
I think that I want to escape so bad the suffering my mind creates that I do not have any problem whatsoever doing practices around the clock. I even tried holding the mantra in my mind for hours and hours on end. |
Edited by - qspadone on Jul 04 2024 01:09:29 AM |
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Christi
United Kingdom
4428 Posts |
Posted - Jul 04 2024 : 10:58:06 AM
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Hi Qspadone,
It sounds as if you have quite a complex history with possible drug abuse, a possible drug induced premature kundalini awakening, repeatedly practising to excess and attempting to micro-manage the activation of chakras. It also sounds as if the drugs and the excessive practices have induced a premature crown opening. That can be quite destabilising and the instability resulting from that can go on for a long time.
So far, what you have been doing has not been AYP practice. AYP practice involves self-pacing downwards whenever needed and engaging in grounding practices as needed. This includes self-pacing to zero whenever necessary. There is nowhere in the AYP lessons that says that if you are worried about your ego, you do not need to self-pace to zero.
So, what you have been doing up until now has been your own experiment. And it sounds as if it is not working very well. The practice you are currently using of bringing your attention to your inner body sounds as if it may be helping to ground you. However, that practice does not have a good history of providing stability over the long term. It can become energising. That is why it is not listed in lesson 69 as a grounding practice. So, that is something to be careful about going forward.
To practice AYP properly you would need to wait until you are stable and then introduce practice gradually in a measured way, always self-pacing downwards as needed and stopping practices all together if necessary. |
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AYPforum
351 Posts |
Posted - Jul 04 2024 : 11:10:10 PM
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| Moderator note: Topic moved for better placement |
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Giving up on AYP
