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NBN
USA
5 Posts |
 Posted - Oct 10 2022 : 9:49:25 PM
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My spiritual journey started in early 2020. Before that, my life can only be characterized as hellish.
I was addicted to pornography and had emotional issues that affected every moment of waking life. In retrospect, I used pornography in order to cope with a breakup and the lack of love that believed I did not have while growing up, along with other “issues” such as poverty, a sense of alienation from being different, and hopelessness.
I often find myself waking up in the middle of the night with such strong feelings of sadness and hopelessness that I would scream or cry until I was too tired to feel the sadness and hopelessness before going back to sleep. Some nights were so bad that I would find myself sucking on a barrel of a handgun, wanting to pull the trigger to stop the pain. Back then, I do not know why I never just pulled the trigger. At the time, I thought myself a coward for not just going through with it. The shame from not “ending” my life in order to end the suffering contributed to more emotional pain and internal conflicts. I now call this time period my “decade of suffering.”
The suffering increased in severity and potency until I experienced what I can only describe now as a moment of grace from God. On the surface, I lived a fairly healthy lifestyle. I had high goals (that I ended achieving). I exercised regularly and had friends. However, the suffering continued.
Life has a way of presenting you painful life experiences until you get the lessons being taught. My suffering reached a boiling point in early 2020. Life was really falling apart and the relationships that I had with people that I thought were my “friends” ended painfully, leaving me socially isolated. My addition to pornography had reached its zenith and I developed porn-induced ED due to desensitization, which really sucked, to say the least.
I just couldn’t take it anymore. One Saturday morning, I woke up early, like I usually do, and drove to a local gym. However, I was not in the mood to work out. All that occupied my mind was pain, resentment, anger, and all the negative emotions you could think of. I ended by gym session early and drove home. I’ve had enough.
Then grace descended. In my final moment of despair, I prayed to God, without understanding or really believing in a god. I suddenly recalled a lesson in self-help book that I had read a few weeks ago. That book talked about the power of gratitude and a sitting meditation that involves being grateful. I do not know why, but I decided to sit down. I closed my eyes and a knowing feeling told me to focus on my chest and be grateful. I was not in any mood to be grateful. But I did it anyway. It was painful at first. My chest felt heavy. I started to tear up. I tried to summon up the feeling of gratefulness—gratefulness for all the “bad” that I had experienced up to that moment, all the hopelessness, self-pity, sadness, addiction, depression, isolation, anger, jealousy, and resentment. Then boom, I experienced reprieve for the first time. It felt like all these emotions were cleared from me by an invisible hand. I felt truly grateful—it was a real feeling, not just a mood that I had created. I was blissful and grateful for every day the next couple of days. I would sit at a nearby park and just marvel at how free I felt, how everything looked so bright and beautiful. Of course, the high did not last forever. I can only describe this moment as a moment of grace. A power beyond my limited-self saved me.
After that day, I began my spiritual journey. By chance, I found the Autobiography of a Yogi and read the book. It changed by life forever. The book lead me to meditate using the mantra provided to the public by the SRF organization. I did this for about two months. Then, by more chance, I stumbled on AYP. I’ve been with AYP for over 2. 5 years. I am a dedicated and consistent practitioner.
Life has experienced major improvements. I’m more aware, happier, more positive. I have new friends now. My life, although not perfect, has leveled up, so to speak on every level. I believe in “enlightenment” and all that enlightenment promises. I recognized that as the most important purpose of this life.
However, this post is not about my happily ever after. Rather, this post is about the challenges I continue to deal with. My porn addiction, although has decreased tremendously in terms of potency, remains an active force to be reckoned with. I have not beaten this addiction, unfortunately, although I know the degenerative effects it has on the body, mind, and emotions, on a first-hand basis.
Recently, I discovered cocaine. I have always been an experimental person. I’ve done every drugs you can think of recreationally, except a few, and I drink alcohol recreationally on the weekends. However, recently, my partying, drinking, and cocaine use have gotten uncomfortable to me, despite my consistent 6 days a week, twice a day sitting practices. I hate how I feel the next day. I also hate how I really don’t have anything else to do on the weekends with my friends other than party to wee in the morning (and sometimes in the afternoon). I don’t have a moral position on the use of drugs, alcohol, or partying. However, I recognize that they are not conducive to the goal of yoga. And the truth is, I have nothing else to do on the weekends. All my friends, whom I love and appreciate, like to party on the weekends. In truth it is fun. It is hard to be that one guy who shows and run against that current, although I know I won’t be judged if I do.
I’ve seen posts and lessons here that say these habits tend to drop off over time. With me, I’ve added on more degenerating habits now after AYP. Granted, my porn use has decreased tremendously when compared to pre AYP. But I wonder when these other habits will naturally drop off. Do I need new friends? Should I rely on willpower and just say no? Like I said, I don’t drink or do drugs unless I’m partying on the weekends.
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SeySorciere
Seychelles
1532 Posts |
Posted - Oct 11 2022 : 06:39:07 AM
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Dear NBN,
Thank you for your open-hearted sharing. It takes guts to say it as it is. As you, yourself, raised the question: do I need new friends? I would answer: Yes, it does sound like you need new friends and healthier activities. You are throwing serious mud on the mirror you spent all week polishing. 
It is very likely that AYP practices will bring you to the point where you are no longer comfortable living your weekends that way and in fact, it sounds like you are now at this point since you raised it here.
What to do on the weekend? You have to drop the current activities to make room for something else, healthier activities.
I wish you the best on your path.
Sey 
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interpaul
USA
524 Posts |
Posted - Oct 11 2022 : 7:33:22 PM
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| NBN, I will join Sey in honoring your openeness and commitment to change. I can relate to some of your struggles. Each of us have a different journey ahead with different obstacles. There is no exact timeline. Yogani does say these habits will gradually ease with time and consistent practices but he does acknowledge the need, at times, for counseling and groups such as AA. Your experience with grace is a beautiful one. I recall a similar moment when I felt deeply sad. I didn't know what to do with myself so I jumped onto a random bus to change scenery. As I stepped onto the bus an older man behind the wheel looked into my eyes (soul) and declared "it's going to be ok" Those words spoke deeply to me and his kindness broke the sad spell and I felt grateful and the suffering eased. There have been many moments like these in my life. AYP has definitely helped me to escape the pull of unhealthy attachments. I have found inner silence and ecstatic conductivity helps to ease the need for external stimuli as there is a glowing energy within me that I have access to now. I've always felt many of these addictive behaviors likely come from an inbalance in neurotransmitters, AYP practices seem to literally transform the neurochemistry in a way that allows one to let go of external crutches. Habits are hard to break though. When you say "I know I won't be judged if I do" in talking about how your friends will treat you if you don't partake, that is very encouraging. Some people are fine hanging out with friends who drink or get high, others can't handle these triggers. It would be interesting to spend a weekend hanging out with your friends sober and be mindful of how it feels. You may find you still enjoy their company or you just enjoy the altered state. |
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Dogboy
USA
2195 Posts |
Posted - Oct 13 2022 : 12:11:39 AM
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quote:
When you say "I know I won't be judged if I do" in talking about how your friends will treat you if you don't partake, that is very encouraging. Some people are fine hanging out with friends who drink or get high, others can't handle these triggers. It would be interesting to spend a weekend hanging out with your friends sober and be mindful of how it feels. You may find you still enjoy their company or you just enjoy the altered state.
I second this. You can always have a nonalcoholic beverage and fit right in, and still participate in socializing. It is a great opportunity to witness; your thoughts, your friends and friendships, your relationship to yourself with the exterior world. In time you will also bear witness to your attachment to pornography, inwardly and outwardly. Stay true to your practice discipline and be open to quiet and change.
Be proud and loving to yourself. Where you put your attention and intentions matter. |
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My life pre and post-AYP-Drugs and Pornography.
