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kapardine
India
18 Posts |
 Posted - Jun 11 2022 : 6:49:18 PM
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Hello,
I have been meditating regularly for 6 years now. Earlier I used to do Vipassana but then I observed that it was doing me more harm than good so I switched to AYP practices. I have been doing AYP for 1.5 years - SB followed by internal mantra chanting. I proceeded to do shambhavi but it was making me jittery so went back to basics.
Now for over 8 months, my health has taken a complete hit in terms of lowered immunity. I am getting detected with STDs that none of my partners have and my intestines have become completely dry (how do I know? Gory details). I went through a panchkarma to stabilise my health. It's a lot better but I am left with some lifelong issues. I have been asked to stop meditating by a friend-almost guru as according to them, meditation is taking a lot more than I can provide nutrition to my body, hence the outcome of meditation is more bad-discomforting than bearable discomforting.
Not just physical health but my sensitivity to people has greatly increased (where I am unable to spend time with erstwhile friends because I am feeling nervous around them and lose patience to listen to their talks about relationships, office etc etc)and rigidity towards what I want and don't want. I am too certain of things that I want and don't want. I don't seem to be accepting of people in the sense I would rather remain alone and friendless than have talks on politics and sciences. It's not that I cannot socialise when needed or wanted, I just don't want to with existing friends. I am pretty sorted in my life in all aspects but still I am not ecstatic by any means. There isn't something greatly missing in my life but I don't feel at rest.
I do have the excess energy left that I want to talk and meet with people once in a while but I don't have any friends who are in a similar situation (They have everything but still something is lacking and instead of cribbing about it, they are doing something about that) as me. I have a partner whom I really like but he doesn't understand my situation as he isn't in it. Hence a conversation with him doesn't really help here.
I am really at loss. I have had a taste of momentary bliss where I feel at immense peace for no reason and where it feels like nothing can perturb me at all. Nothing. I want to taste more of it. I want to be in this state for longer duration no matter what situation around me is. But I don't have the courage. I have no purpose which would give me the courage. I simply have a feeble 'wish'.
I don't have a will which can give me courage to do whatever I want to without any hindrance. I don't have the courage to take the plunge needed to get to this state. I don't care about enlightenment tbh. Those are intellectual terms to me which mean nothing. When it is experienced, one will know anyway. I simply want to be in that blissful, unperturbed, joyous state for most part of the time.
How do I find the people with whom regular interaction will remind me of what I want in case I forget?
How do I go about now that I cannot meditate till my body can start taking it without going haywire?
What should I do?
P.S. All of this sounds stupid after I write it and just for reference I am doing everything that I atleast think that I enjoy. From my work to hobbies. I don't think meditation has ever helped me with anything at all but I am still drawn to it. I know I am not addicted to meditating as I don't feel sudden emptiness or start panicking aboutnot being able to do meditation. I was able to let go of regular meditation with great ease. I can take it back up with equal ease. Even after I am living my most peaceful life, I don't feel 'satisfied' or 'happy'. I do what I enjoy but I don't feel amazing like I used to earlier. It seems that the feeling of 'Oh wow. Amazing' has become 'This is sublime. Let me just look at it quietly instead of shouting with happiness'. I feel like I am losing my excitability and childlike excitement quotient. |
Edited by - kapardine on Jun 11 2022 6:57:46 PM |
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Christi
United Kingdom
4363 Posts |
Posted - Jun 13 2022 : 10:33:41 AM
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Hi Kapardine,
It sounds like good things are happening for you on the path, even though there is some confusion there.
As for STD's, these can generally only be contracted from a sexual partner who has one, and who then passes it on to you. Sometimes sexual partners may show no symptoms themselves, but can act as carriers. There are other ways of transmission that are possible, such as contact with blood, or from birth, if the mother is infected. It is not possible to catch an STD through meditation practice.
With regards to increased sensitivity and feeling that you need to spend more time on your own, this is a stage that many people go through on the path of yoga. When it comes, it is good to honour that. It is also common to want to spend more time around spiritually-oriented people who are on the same path as you. This will strengthen your practice. We run regular online and in-person retreats so that people can come together to practice. These are listed here.
If you are finding it difficult to meditate because of sensations or feelings that are arising due to the practice, then self-pace your practice downwards until you find a stable level of practice for you. This could mean taking longer to rest after each meditation session, or reducing the time that you spend in meditation each day, or both. Also it is good to make sure you are engaging in grounding activities every day to make sure your energy remains stable. All of this is covered in lesson 69
It does sound as if you are quite sensitive to spiritual practices, so you may also want to read through lesson 367 which discusses things like switching to breath meditation if you need to, and replacing spinal breathing pranayama with alternate nostril breathing if you need to. AYP practice can be modified to a very gentle level if needed, and we can stay at that level for as long as is necessary for the purification to happen in a balanced and gentle way.
On the path things will change over time. And keep changing. So, at one time you may feel excited about what is happening, and then at another time, just quietly content and peaceful. Or, at one time you may feel fragile and sensitive and at another time may feel strong and as if nothing can harm you. All of this is quite normal as the purification process unfolds and deepens. Gradually we develop equanimity, and are not troubled by the highs and lows of ecstasy occurring. Everything becomes more balanced. Until that happens, we have to develop patience. Patience gradually develops into equanimity. Both these qualities are two of the main factors of awakening.
Christi |
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kapardine
India
18 Posts |
Posted - Nov 12 2022 : 6:11:12 PM
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Thank you so much Christi! When I said that I have been detected with STDs I didn't mean that meditation gave me that :D What I wanted to show was that maybe meditation lowered my immunity because that particular technique wasn't suited to me (?) or it could totally be an unrealised prolonged stress.
Also, where can I find the questions that I have posted? |
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Christi
United Kingdom
4363 Posts |
Posted - Nov 13 2022 : 02:21:30 AM
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quote:
where can I find the questions that I have posted?
Hi Kapardine,
There are several ways to find the questions that you posted. One way is to click on your Username and then click on "find all non-archived posts by...".
Another way is to search for your Username in the "members" search function in the top menu. And then again, click on the non-archived posts.
Another way, if your posts are quite resent, is to click on "Active topics" in the top menu and set the date to a date before you posted them.
If you are not sure how to use the forum, there is a comprehensive "Forum FAQ" in the top menu.
Christi |
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SeySorciere
Seychelles
1532 Posts |
Posted - Nov 14 2022 : 08:36:07 AM
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Dear K,
Noting that you were using Vipassana techniques before and aware that they may meditate for hours on end, please confirm that you are sticking to AYP duration for each technique i.e. 10 mins SBP + 20 mins DM + 5-10 mins rest.
Sey 
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kapardine
India
18 Posts |
Posted - Nov 14 2022 : 1:47:37 PM
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Hello SeySorciere,
I have completely stopped Vipassana a year ago. It would cause intense swaying and shivering on a regular basis. I am now sticking to AYP practices alone (without any bandhas and mudras as I would start shivering and swaying too much if I add those)- 10 mins BSP + 20 mins DM + rest(as needed). Even with the base practices, I tend to occasionally shiver and sway. Whenever that happens I rest for a longer duration.
-Kapardine
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Edited by - kapardine on Nov 14 2022 3:50:45 PM |
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SeySorciere
Seychelles
1532 Posts |
Posted - Nov 15 2022 : 05:30:36 AM
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Sounds good. Keep self-pacing as required and be kind to yourself.
Sey |
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Great confusion!
