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Enlightenment Milestones

My Huge Ego

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VIL

USA
586 Posts

Posted - Jun 09 2020 : 3:12:17 PM

I used to post here back in 2007 -2008 I think. I just wanted to apologize for my immaturity, mean spirited, Ego Maniacal behavior. I remember interacting with different forum members (Shankar,Tibetan Ice, David obsidian, Jimandhiskarma, Eric putkoten, yogani, amongst others). At the time I was playing spiritual teacher to forum members under the guise of my godlike enlightement, due to spiritual experiences I've had in the past. Unbeknownst to me at the time I couldn't see clearly and thought that I was free from karma and treat anyone the way that I wanted. You see, I was special. No one was as great as me or had such profound enlightenment. I mean what a FOOL I was!!! Who was I to teach anyone anything!! Judge others experiences, verbally attack others. My behavior was totally unjustified, unwarranted and disgusting!! I am so ashamed of myself with the way that I treated people back then. It was hurtful and horrible!! I never was and am still am NOT enlightened. I had NO business to teach, judge or tell people what to do.. None!! Especially yogis who have had years of meditation and other spiritual practices under their belt. My experiences came out of the blue. I'm not even sure my kundalini was spontaneously activated. Yes the experiences were real, but now I look at them as life lessons on how big my ego would become by being attached to them. Big life lesson. I should have apologized, back then, right away. I'm not even sure if the above people even post here anymore. If you know them please direct them to this post. I just wanted to sincerely apologize for my ignorant and hurtful behavior. I guess better late than never. I wanted to thank davidobsidian and yogani for pointing this out to me back then. Again I should have apologized and asked for forgiveness back then, but I was too caught up in my Ego godliness. Since then I have went through hell and took a big look in the mirror. What I saw wasn't pretty. It was pathetic. I have had a lot negative karma because of it. And you know what? I wouldn't change it for the world. It taught me complete humility and to treat others the way I want to be treated. It's embarrassing writing this due to my past behavior. I've since given up on wanting enlightenment. I just want to be myself and be kind and a loving person. I posted this in enlightenment milestones because I didn't know where to put it. Definitely not enlightenment. Again, sincerest apologies if you even remember me or not and if I offended or hurt you in any way. Vil

Dogboy

USA
1794 Posts

Posted - Jun 09 2020 : 8:42:31 PM

Hello VIL, welcome back.

quote:
I wouldn't change it for the world. It taught me complete humility and to treat others the way I want to be treated. It's embarrassing writing this due to my past behavior. I've since given up on wanting enlightenment. I just want to be myself and be kind and a loving person.

�Coming To Terms� in this way, in my humble opinion, means you have arrived at kindness and love, and embarrassment can now be surrendered. Tell me VIL, do you still practice AYP, or yoga in general? If so, what does your current practice look like?

VIL

USA
586 Posts

Posted - Jun 09 2020 : 10:31:53 PM

Thank you for responding. I currently am not practicing any meditation, or AYP ( which is great from all of the positive experiences I've heard from forum pracioners). On my journey through life I developed a mental illness. Not sure if kundalini or not. But intense vibrations. Vibration at the base of my spine. Chakra spin above my right chest that moved energy to the throat chakra. Looking through a port hole that brought me 10000 dollars at a casino, to help others. Other spiritual experiences. Still not sure if kundalini. What I do know is that attaching to these experiences caused a false sense of spiritual enlightenment that I have not experienced. (If I was enlightened I would feel oneness, connectivity, kindness, increased compassion, love etc. bliss.) It nevered happened. It caused an extreme specialness and EGO inflation. Extreme delusion. I ended up diagnosed with mental illness. I Have been hospitalized because of it. Never had mental illness before. Was suicidal, didn't know what was happening. Dissacosiation from reality. Extremely regretful for the way I have treated others on AYP, because I didn't do that in my personal life. Hiding behind a mask on the internet was not good. "Crazy wise" yogani once called it. I had never practiced meditation. It was intense bhatki/prayer that brought about the experiences. I have never been able to move energy or produce spiritual phenomenon. It happened on its own. Became something that I am not. I've helped people with developmental for 18 years. I've always cared about people. Didn't understand why I became an Ego maniac. A false teacher. It was a wakeup call that what I was doing was wrong. I'm still extremely remorseful. I'm not a horrible person. I just got lost a long the way. I am still very sorry. I never was hateful in my personal life. I can't practice meditation, I've tried. Energy moves to the temporal lobes and head. Extreme pressure. Experience is too intense. I lose touch with reality. The energy has not moved from the throat for over 12 years. A good lesson to express myself authentically from where I am at. Not a delusion from enlightenment which I do not experience. Anyway that is my experience.

BlueRaincoat

United Kingdom
1628 Posts

Posted - Jun 10 2020 : 5:35:29 PM

Hi VIL

Just wanted to say that I found your post very moving.

All the best to you

VIL

USA
586 Posts

Posted - Jun 10 2020 : 8:47:03 PM

Thank you for your kind words.

Edited by - VIL on Jun 10 2020 8:51:07 PM

Blanche

USA
668 Posts

Posted - Jun 10 2020 : 10:22:56 PM

Hi Vil,
Welcome back! It seems that your experience provided a valuable lesson. It is nothing wrong to teach what you know. As the saying goes, if you know something, teach someone. In the same time, it is good to keep in mind that teaching means serving. It is said in Tao Te Ching that:
"If you want to govern the people, you must place yourself below them.
If you want to lead the people, you must learn how to follow them."
Best wishes on your chosen path!

VIL

USA
586 Posts

Posted - Jun 11 2020 : 07:31:05 AM

Thank you for your words of wisdom Blanche.

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