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nic
USA
51 Posts |
 Posted - Aug 19 2019 : 8:27:12 PM
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Hi everyone. I just started a job at a Montesorri School as an assistant teacher. I'm supposed to be taking over this job, but I don't know if I can. I am teaching 2-6 yr olds. The classroom is small, loud, and incredibly chaotic with 20 kids of mixed ages. Theres not enough desks or games/supplies to keep these children going. But the worse thing is the staff. Theres only 5 teachers here at this school that goes all the way up to the 8th level, 4 of the teachers are family members. This morning I walked in on my Teacher grabbing a two year by the face and shaking him violently. She looked like an absolute monster. He was crying hysterically. I was in shock, I walked into the bathroom and just stood there wanting to cry. Every single time I left the class, I would catch her throwing children to the ground, and manhandling them with extreme anger. She forced a 4yr old to stay sitting in his own puddle of urine. The owner of the school walked into the class and started doing it as well. I feel like they are forcing me to act like them, if I do not yell, they encourage me too. if I hold a child they tell me to put them down. It is constant constant negative pressure, and I have lost so many shields and filters. I am vulnerable and they see me as weak. So do some of the children which it makes it even more difficult to assert myself.
I got this job because I needed to ground myself. I stayed at home for a few years trying to recover mentally from kundalini. I lost my car, and I really looked forward to this job, and even taking over the class. But I find that I am so sensitive right now, so transparent that I can barley keep up. I don't have energy to project myself violently all day; it hurts so much to yell at these babies. I am not even teaching, I am left condemning. I want to report these people. It feels so cult like, so institutionalized. A family came in, and they decided to pray for the first time ever, just to appear so humble and nice. I don't know what to do.
The other part of my depression comes from losing my personal relationship with God. Ever since all matter turned to God, and the ground fell beneath my feet, I lost my devotion. I used to be noble-feeling and ready to leap across mountains for the truth. Now I feel very strange as if I am just losing the separation between me and God, it is terrifying sometimes. I learned the greatest duality is not about right or wrong. Its about the relative and the absolute. They are one, and they need each other to know themselves. For life to know itself. Life always pulled me and now it doesn't after all these beautiful moments; after all knowing being confirmed. Its such a strange place to be in.
I don't think its healthy to stay at this job. I am even scared to report these people. Sometimes I think about staying and somehow saving the children, but even they don't listen to me very well. I feel bad for the teacher she is a 66 year old lady trying to retire after 40+ years of taking care of kids. But its making me so bitter and miserable. Theres too much violence and hypocrisy. The anger thats coming up. I really needed to vent to all of you, and I would greatly appreciate advice. No one here understands. Its a very dense city, and my family doesn't understand me at all.
Because they don't, its hard for me to even acknowledge the intensity and isolation of what I am going through. I wouldn't wish some of these experiences on my own worst enemy. Thank you all for reading and kind regards.
Nic
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Dogboy
USA
2294 Posts |
Posted - Aug 20 2019 : 11:10:50 PM
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| I think you have no choice but to expose what is going on at the school, one way or another. This can not continue, for yourself or the children. Forget your personal relationship to God and devote yourself instead to saving these children. My 2 cents. |
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Charliedog
1625 Posts |
Posted - Aug 21 2019 : 03:00:31 AM
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I agree with Dogboy, now that you know about this situation it became your responsibility to report this. This is the most important task that you have to do at this moment. Speak out, you can make a difference for these children. You are much stronger than you think you are. You can do this.
Be a warrior, not a worrier..... |
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Stille
Germany
76 Posts |
Posted - Aug 21 2019 : 07:37:02 AM
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I agree with Dogboy and Charliedog. You have to put and end to this horrible child abuse! But precautions are needed. Do not immediately confront them personally, that could be dangerous for you. Who knows what they can do to an adult if they are capable of shaking 2 year olds violently. Instead get a secret/body camera and record the abuse. When you have evidence go straight to the police.
I wish you and these children all the best!
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SeySorciere
Seychelles
1571 Posts |
Posted - Aug 23 2019 : 02:47:03 AM
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Dear Nic,
I am sorry to hear of the horror story you are in. The others have given advice on the children situation. So I will focus on your own difficulties. Do you practice AYP? What are your practices?
quote:
The other part of my depression comes from losing my personal relationship with God. Ever since all matter turned to God, and the ground fell beneath my feet, I lost my devotion. I used to be noble-feeling and ready to leap across mountains for the truth. Now I feel very strange as if I am just losing the separation between me and God, it is terrifying sometimes. I learned the greatest duality is not about right or wrong. Its about the relative and the absolute. They are one, and they need each other to know themselves. For life to know itself. Life always pulled me and now it doesn't after all these beautiful moments; after all knowing being confirmed. Its such a strange place to be in.
You appear to have taken a leap forward on the path and having trouble to integrate your current understanding into your daily life, leaving you somewhat disconnected and isolated. It is something reported often enough here in the forums - so you are not alone. It is a phase that will pass. Self-pacing and grounding is the way to go. Yogani has lessons covering the Aloneness of Enlightenment
https://www.aypsite.org/392.html
See if this insight helps a little. Good luck.
Sey  |
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lalow33
USA
966 Posts |
Posted - Aug 27 2019 : 11:40:55 PM
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Hey Nic,
No, it's not healthy to stay at that job. BUT you are going to have to say something. It sucks, I know. It might not turn out like you want, but you still got to do it.
You could go through an emotional storm in the process, but you still have to do it. Being brave doesn't mean that you don't feel weak. It means you do it despite that feeling.
Take care,
Lori
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nic
USA
51 Posts |
Posted - Aug 28 2019 : 5:46:51 PM
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Thank you everyone. The last week has been lots of turmoil. The school kicked out the child they had been abusing and I knew I was next, so they ended up firing me yesterday. They know that I know and they're really trying to cover themselves. I still have to report them.
SeySorciere, that link was so very helpful. I really love yoganis teachings; they truly try to cover all aspects and realms of enlightenment.
I stopped practicing for awhile and just pretty much kept my awareness in my body all day. I am going to pick up practice but have to do it slowly because of over loading such as extreme heat and erratic/bouncy energy/thoughts.
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Dogboy
USA
2294 Posts |
Posted - Aug 28 2019 : 7:03:17 PM
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quote:
Thank you everyone. The last week has been lots of turmoil. The school kicked out the child they had been abusing and I knew I was next, so they ended up firing me yesterday. They know that I know and they're really trying to cover themselves. I still have to report them.
Good for you, Nic, no body wins here. You are doing the right thing. There is no excuse for terrorizing children who cannot fend for themselves. I hope you can see this through.
Definitely self pace, take your journey slow, and really care for yourself in this turbulent time.
quote:
The other part of my depression comes from losing my personal relationship with God. Ever since all matter turned to God, and the ground fell beneath my feet, I lost my devotion. I used to be noble-feeling and ready to leap across mountains for the truth. Now I feel very strange as if I am just losing the separation between me and God, it is terrifying sometimes. I learned the greatest duality is not about right or wrong. Its about the relative and the absolute. They are one, and they need each other to know themselves. For life to know itself. Life always pulled me and now it doesn't after all these beautiful moments; after all knowing being confirmed. Its such a strange place to be in.
I believe you have not truly lost this relationship, it is clouded over at the moment, know the sun still shines behind that veil. You have been in the middle of a lot. As you stabilize in mind/body/spirit this relationship will be clear again. Instead of pulling you, life is now pushing, strive to aim for the center. |
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lalow33
USA
966 Posts |
Posted - Aug 31 2019 : 1:12:33 PM
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Go report them. You will look like an angry ex employee. I understand. OMG, I understand. Doesn't matter. Do it anyway. You have to say something. You know this.
Take Care,
Lori |
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Blanche
USA
873 Posts |
Posted - Sep 01 2019 : 06:52:36 AM
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I agree with Lori: You have to report them - you have to take care of this child, all the other children, the school, and yourself. Focusing on everything else but yourself, seeing the bigger picture is a great way to deal with depression. Serving others (seva) is one of the most powerful yoga practices. When we serve others, we truly serve ourselves, and when we do not, we are the first to feel our own neglect.
This challenging time is a great opportunity to progress and make a difference in the world.
Thank you for your commitment to the spiritual practice!
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JeffKells
USA
1 Posts |
Posted - Feb 29 2020 : 6:55:07 PM
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| That is horrendous abuse... this person shouldn't be around children PERIOD... much less taking care of them. |
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My workplace is abusing children.
