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Zans
Lithuania
6 Posts |
 Posted - Nov 28 2018 : 06:21:43 AM
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Hello all!
So here I am in a bit of crisis and wondering whether this going to be my permanent state.
Symptoms: Everything around me seems like dreamlike state, surreal. Inability to feel emotions which makes impossible to connect with other people. Almost like I have to fake myself otherwise no personality is there. Constantly spacing out, memory lapses and hard time concentrating and following when others speak. Motivation barely there. Feeling like I am trapped in some other dimension which produces constant anxiety. Pressure in heart which manifests in some sort of grief.
Symptoms been ongoing awhile now but only recently picked up intensity. Occasionally I get this relief where life feels good but soon enough I am trapped again. It does affect sleep up to the point whereI get 3-4h if I am lucky but fortunately next day I get random energy out of nowhere to keep up.
My spiritual practices was all over the place. 3 years of daily 1h - 3h Vipassana/Shamatha type of meditations plus one retreat where I pushed quite hard.
I never mixed practices with drugs except a bit over exessive amount of caffeine which always would make me feel "human" again.
Celibacy. I feel that's what lead me posting here. 3 years ago I found Brachmacarya texts on 12 year duration to rouse Kundalini and persevere in stubborn way. I recently "released" but that didn't help much.
As far as I remember there wasn't traumatic event but all my teenage years up to 18 or so been really rough. I hurt many people but I've been dealing with this material the moment I started celibacy and meditation. I forgave myself, apologied those who I could and made resolve to fix what can be fixed in the future.
My diet is mostly mashed potatoes/buckweath with milk and other dairy source but I am no nazi about it anymore. I eat whatever I feel like or been offered.
Grounding part. Obviously walking helps some. Trying to clock 12km daily often enough more. What amplified my condition and sent me into 2 days of no sleep at all was Friday 15km walk, heavy weight lifting session and 3 cups off coffee. On evening I had such severe spacing out, fear, inability to concentrate and be present (dreamlike rather) that for the first time I started to search help. By the way sleeping part been improved a bit finding advice here to put the head on the floor and hold it.
I am not devotional although there been many episodes where I felt urge to bow spontaneously. Before these problems I had strong energetical urge to be servant though couldn't specify.
No mental illness.
Unfortunately I am currently unemployed and will start to search for job from mid January. That was the plan: I worked for almost two years without break then left to Thailand. Did retreat there and came back to my homeland with intention to live off my savings and practice meditation on my own. That's what I essentially did from June.
Things felt always overloadish but since I had really brutal physical job I chalked off symptoms as prolonged dark night or ongoing purification. After all my past been real trainwreck so I thought I sort of deserved to be flushed through unpleasant material over and over.
Two events worth mentioning.
1.Somewhere two months ago I woke up in the middle of night feeling earthquake type of vibrations everywhere. I've been asked "Do I really want this" and I answered back "Bring it" (sad lol). After it felt like I was puking out all spirituality material I gathered for the last three years. Then fascinating stuff happened: my cognitive process switched to some primordial mode where thought was absent and only senses operated. Couple seconds later it reswitched to usual mode and I could see how thought began to be alive again slowly wrecking havoc with it's usual worries, plans, problems.
I lay off from meditation for about three weeks until I picked up again.
2. One day I spent for the most part in silence. Suddenly I decided to direct attention to finger index to observe sensations there and fireworks started. I was having erection and quickly room became really bright even though it was 11pm outside. Massive amount of energy shot in my head and overwhelming fear took over. It felt if I won't resist this this amount of energy will either fry brain or whole system will collapse. I quickly jumped and started to do push ups but I guess it was too late already. For several days after this event I was dealing with multiple temperature changes (hot/chill), electrical current up to the point that tip of the hair would rose, overwhelming fear that I won't be able to handle it and overall weaker body. Things got less hectic for a week and I though I recovered so like been mentioned 3 cups of coffee, weight lifting and 15km walk sent me into this dreamlike state. It's been like that from Friday with occassional short reliefs of peace and all rightness.
I understand my problems came from over exertion and stubborn perseverence. It looks like I have premature case but reflecting back it's not like I wasn't searching for it. Even before embarking with celibacy and meditation there was deep longing of some serious lasting transformation. And I am not bad person nor was like that at my core. I did mistakes but I always was good hearted and my intentions never was fame or psyhic powers. All I wanted is some serious change.
I refrain from meditation now although light mindfllness with breathing seems to be soothing for overreactive nervous system.
Are my negative symptoms permanent now? Can I do something to be "normal" human being again?
Thank you for reading. |
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Charliedog
1625 Posts |
Posted - Nov 29 2018 : 03:19:50 AM
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Hi Zans, welcome 
quote:
I refrain from meditation now although light mindfllness with breathing seems to be soothing for overreactive nervous system.
Are my negative symptoms permanent now? Can I do something to be "normal" human being again?
Sorry to hear about your difficulties. Take the time to find a new balance again. To find balance you have to ground, like the walking you already do, preferable in nature. I would refrain for some time from all spiritual practices and start to eat healthy foods. Cafeine and weightlifting or other intensive sports could aggravate the energy symptoms too, so do not push yourself to limits. Being amongst others, spend time with friends, do some voluntary work, or service to others are grounding and heart opening practices too.
Lesson 69
May be read every day a few AYP lessons from the start. It might give you many insights in this journey.
Take care 
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jusmail
India
491 Posts |
Posted - Nov 29 2018 : 08:50:31 AM
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| Welcome to the forum. After overheating, the engine has to cool down. So less of spiritual activity and more involvement in the worldly life is suggested. Going forward try to maintain a balance I.E. temperance. |
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My story. How to proceed?
