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afonsolfm
Portugal
12 Posts |
 Posted - Aug 14 2018 : 11:31:30 AM
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Namaste,
I'm 18 and I've been meditating for almost 2 years now, daily, non-stop. It has become the only thing I do nowadays.
In the beginning it was very tough to meditate most of the time, because there was so much tension in the body. As weeks and months passed by, a lot of relaxation took place, new awareness, the world became very beautiful. However, I find that, 2 years later there still is a lot of tension and pain!
Right now, the world is super beautiful and I've dropped a lot of my "garbage" it seems. My movements are spontaneous, my words too. I am becoming very aware that I'm not really this body. Nevertheless, I'm not satisfied yet. I'm aware of a chronic tension in my abdomen, stomach and spine. I tell myself that this will eventually dissolve, like all my previous tensions and pain. But somehow, the abdomen has been showing huge and persistent tension for the last year. Every day, since the moment I wake up, there's a knife in my gut and it's there 24/7. When I drink alcohol (rare) or completely distract myself, it temporarily subsides, but never entirely. This tension is also a sort of anxiety, that never lets me fully relax. My meditations don't seem to get deeper because of this. I feel trapped in my own tension, spending my days alone in my room meditating.
Before, I used to meditate once every day. Recently, I've come up with a new routine - meditate morning, afternoon and night. I've also added Spinal Breathing Pranayama. In September, I'll be doing more physical yoga. I want to force myself to go to a 10-day vipassana retreat so I can burn there. Maybe I'll do Kriya Yoga. And maybe this is all a way to run away from myself, but I don't know what to do!
I have a voice in the back of my mind which says - just keep meditating more, it will pass. And I believe it. But for 1 year, every day, a knife-cutting background tension/anxiety in the abdomen. There's got to be a better way.
I don't think any intellectualisations will work here - enough of that.
My meditation has been just remaining in a though-free state, rooted in "I am" (the sense of self). This has been dissolving my sense of self, which is my goal.
It's worth adding that my childhood was full of tension, anxiety, relationship problems and a big mess.
I hope you'll give me some feedback.
Thank you so much. |
Edited by - afonsolfm on Aug 14 2018 11:43:40 AM |
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Dogboy
USA
2296 Posts |
Posted - Aug 14 2018 : 1:05:31 PM
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Hello alfonsolfm
quote:
It's worth adding that my childhood was full of tension, anxiety, relationship problems and a big mess.
Sorry about your troubles. You know this is the root of it, don't you? Not to mention you are way off the recommended time of a half hour, twice a day. (Assuming you are following AYP SBP & DM). Meditation brings up "the big mess" as you open up inside, and you are not allowing it to integrate with hours upon hours of inside work. Being alone while undergoing this is adding fuel to the fire.
Reread this lesson a few times. https://www.aypsite.org/69.html Drastically cut back your practice awhile, forget about that retreat, it may just push you over the ledge. Get a medical check up to rule out any physical issue. Get outside, engage in casual conversation, help others whenever you can. Stablize over time and see if your symptoms don't dissolve that way.
You're young, and very attached to your spirituality. You are lighting your candle with blow torch, and getting wax everywhere. |
Edited by - Dogboy on Aug 14 2018 1:07:41 PM |
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afonsolfm
Portugal
12 Posts |
Posted - Aug 14 2018 : 1:21:44 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Dogboy
Hello alfonsolfm
quote:
It's worth adding that my childhood was full of tension, anxiety, relationship problems and a big mess.
Sorry about your troubles. You know this is the root of it, don't you? Not to mention you are way off the recommended time of a half hour, twice a day. (Assuming you are following AYP SBP & DM). Meditation brings up "the big mess" as you open up inside, and you are not allowing it to integrate with hours upon hours of inside work. Being alone while undergoing this is adding fuel to the fire.
Reread this lesson a few times. https://www.aypsite.org/69.html Drastically cut back your practice awhile, forget about that retreat, it may just push you over the ledge. Get a medical check up to rule out any physical issue. Get outside, engage in casual conversation, help others whenever you can. Stablize over time and see if your symptoms don't dissolve that way.
You're young, and very attached to your spirituality. You are lighting your candle with blow torch, and getting wax everywhere.
Thank you for the reply,
I don't have friends. My relationships are always a big mess. This pain blocks me from interacting with people and gives me fatigue. So I tend to stay alone. There are little things I find motivation to because there's so much anxiety underneath. Even right now there's a fire burning inside my abdomen. I took a break for a week last month, but didn't make me any better. I used to meditate only once per day as I said, but that didn't seem to be enough.
So much garbage has been burnt through self-purification, but this anxiety doesn't seem to end. I wish I could do something that would actually give me a relief. I can't interact with people with this pain, I just become like a stone unable to respond. |
Edited by - afonsolfm on Aug 14 2018 1:30:02 PM |
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SeySorciere
Seychelles
1571 Posts |
Posted - Aug 16 2018 : 05:39:01 AM
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Dear Afonso,
A famous saying of Yogani with respect to practices is that this is not a sprint but a marathon. We are in it for the long run. So do not expect all your issues to disappear in a couple of years. It takes decades and more. I have been doing it for 12 years and still purification and openings; more purification and more openings.
So patience my young friend. Keep going. Be kind to your self in the meantime. And Dogboy is right - you are overdoing it. Self-pace is very much recommended
Sey 
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afonsolfm
Portugal
12 Posts |
Posted - Aug 16 2018 : 06:16:10 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by SeySorciere
Dear Afonso,
A famous saying of Yogani with respect to practices is that this is not a sprint but a marathon. We are in it for the long run. So do not expect all your issues to disappear in a couple of years. It takes decades and more. I have been doing it for 12 years and still purification and openings; more purification and more openings.
So patience my young friend. Keep going. Be kind to your self in the meantime. And Dogboy is right - you are overdoing it. Self-pace is very much recommended
Sey
Namaste,
With all due respect, 12 years is a long time. How much have you progressed since you started your journey? |
Edited by - afonsolfm on Aug 16 2018 06:25:51 AM |
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SeySorciere
Seychelles
1571 Posts |
Posted - Aug 16 2018 : 07:58:19 AM
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A lot !  
Sey |
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sunyata
USA
1513 Posts |
Posted - Aug 16 2018 : 08:30:22 AM
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Hi afonolfm,
Welcome to the forum! You've received great advice already.
Ground and self-pace.Find hobbies. Spiritual practice is a life long practice. Things will get better. Have faith.
Here's a lesson on self-pacing.
Lesson 38 - What is Your Time Line?
https://www.aypsite.org/38.html
I'm reminded of this quote:
"It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. I was so preposterously serious in those days, such a humourless little prig. Lightly, lightly – it’s the best advice ever given me...."Aldous Huxley
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Edited by - sunyata on Aug 16 2018 08:31:32 AM |
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afonsolfm
Portugal
12 Posts |
Posted - Aug 16 2018 : 10:31:45 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by sunyata
Hi afonolfm,
Welcome to the forum! You've received great advice already.
Ground and self-pace.Find hobbies. Spiritual practice is a life long practice. Things will get better. Have faith.
Here's a lesson on self-pacing.
Lesson 38 - What is Your Time Line?
https://www.aypsite.org/38.html
I'm reminded of this quote:
"It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. I was so preposterously serious in those days, such a humourless little prig. Lightly, lightly – it’s the best advice ever given me...."Aldous Huxley
Namaste,
Yes, you are probably right. Ever since I started this journey, it has always been so serious. There were moments of joy here and there. I think one of the reasons has been that my desire to break my limitations has been growing. I never knew I could dissolve my karma, and now I desire to dissolve it all as fast as it can get. Becoming more conscious also brings all my limitations and blockages to my face. And now I can't just blame circumstances or my past. I know the problem is within me, as well as the solution. My wish is to become free so I can share love with others.
However, I have tons and tons of garbage within me. I have become much lighter since the last 2 years, but I see I'm not where I want to be. These waves of depression/anxiety never stop. It's just wave after wave after wave. I see I had been sleeping the first 16 years of my life and as a result, tons of stuff got buried.
I thought because I was young I didn't have much garbage. But damn, how much bull-sh*t is deep in the subconscious. It's incredible so much stuff can be there.
Having tasted and experienced my Emptiness, I know there's still a lot of illusions to be dissolved. I try to add more practices, research more stuff. But I know there's a limit to how fast karma can be dissolved.
Having said that, most of my "desires" and "goals" have simply vanished. There's an increasing detachment from everything, but not from spirituality. It started out as a habit like going to the gym but now my whole trajectory is going towards Truth/Liberation/Freedom.
It's disappointing to see all these limitations upfront and just observing them months after months still lurking.
After reading what I just wrote, I must admit I complain a lot, and I apologize. It feels good to express myself when there's little people who understand this process.
Maybe I'll write a new post asking for advice and suggestions? Something constructive I would say. Is it selfish of me? It has been a while I've not asked for advice.
Thank you so much,
Much love  |
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Charliedog
1625 Posts |
Posted - Aug 16 2018 : 10:49:52 AM
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Hi afonsolfm,
You can start a journal, writing is a great tool in self-inquire and letting go. Lesson 395
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afonsolfm
Portugal
12 Posts |
Posted - Aug 16 2018 : 10:56:20 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Charliedog
Hi afonsolfm,
You can start a journal, writing is a great tool in self-inquire and letting go. Lesson 395
Yes, I started my journey with a journal but overtime I stopped writing. Because things just started changing very fast. I used to write a lot and analyze stuff in my journal but now things have changed. I use my journal mostly as an aid to contemplation. I ask questions, write them, and throw them to stillness and then write stuff.
For example:
"What I running away from?"
~ Throw question into stillness
~ Images pop up, feelings, etc.
I write them down.
Repeat. |
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sunyata
USA
1513 Posts |
Posted - Aug 16 2018 : 11:23:58 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by afonsolfm
quote:
Originally posted by sunyata
Hi afonolfm,
Welcome to the forum! You've received great advice already.
Ground and self-pace.Find hobbies. Spiritual practice is a life long practice. Things will get better. Have faith.
Here's a lesson on self-pacing.
Lesson 38 - What is Your Time Line?
https://www.aypsite.org/38.html
I'm reminded of this quote:
"It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. I was so preposterously serious in those days, such a humourless little prig. Lightly, lightly – it’s the best advice ever given me...."Aldous Huxley
Namaste,
Yes, you are probably right. Ever since I started this journey, it has always been so serious. There were moments of joy here and there. I think one of the reasons has been that my desire to break my limitations has been growing. I never knew I could dissolve my karma, and now I desire to dissolve it all as fast as it can get. Becoming more conscious also brings all my limitations and blockages to my face. And now I can't just blame circumstances or my past. I know the problem is within me, as well as the solution. My wish is to become free so I can share love with others.
However, I have tons and tons of garbage within me. I have become much lighter since the last 2 years, but I see I'm not where I want to be. These waves of depression/anxiety never stop. It's just wave after wave after wave. I see I had been sleeping the first 16 years of my life and as a result, tons of stuff got buried.
I thought because I was young I didn't have much garbage. But damn, how much bull-sh*t is deep in the subconscious. It's incredible so much stuff can be there.
Having tasted and experienced my Emptiness, I know there's still a lot of illusions to be dissolved. I try to add more practices, research more stuff. But I know there's a limit to how fast karma can be dissolved.
Having said that, most of my "desires" and "goals" have simply vanished. There's an increasing detachment from everything, but not from spirituality. It started out as a habit like going to the gym but now my whole trajectory is going towards Truth/Liberation/Freedom.
It's disappointing to see all these limitations upfront and just observing them months after months still lurking.
After reading what I just wrote, I must admit I complain a lot, and I apologize. It feels good to express myself when there's little people who understand this process.
Maybe I'll write a new post asking for advice and suggestions? Something constructive I would say. Is it selfish of me? It has been a while I've not asked for advice.
Thank you so much,
Much love
No apologies needed for Bhakti. But,it's in mastering the art of Bhakti and Self-pacing that we get to live a balanced life. You are overdoing with your practice. Self-pace. As the saying goes: Rome was not built in a day.
You are so young and already on the path. Celebrate that rather than focusing on the negative. There can be some discomfort on the path. If the discomfort is too much like in your case then we cut down on our practices.
It takes sometime with our Sadhana to taste the nectar of gods. Patience, faith, dedication, devotion, surrender are some words that comes to mind.
Much Love
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Charliedog
1625 Posts |
Posted - Aug 17 2018 : 02:41:03 AM
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Quote Afonsolfm,
quote:
I use my journal mostly as an aid to contemplation. I ask questions, write them, and throw them to stillness and then write stuff.
For example:
"What I running away from?"
~ Throw question into stillness
~ Images pop up, feelings, etc.
I write them down.
Repeat.
That's the way,
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BlueRaincoat
United Kingdom
1734 Posts |
Posted - Aug 18 2018 : 06:48:37 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by afonsolfm
I want to force myself to go to a 10-day vipassana retreat so I can burn there. Maybe I'll do Kriya Yoga.
Forcing is not a good idea.
Find a system of practice that you trust, and get into a stable routine, that you can sustain all year round.
You seem to be contemplating rather short time horizons. 12 years is not a long time when it comes to yoga. Deep transformation takes time. Rushing things can lead to instability and chaos. Slow and steady does it.
Take care.
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Chronic Tension/Pain
