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Alvin Chan
Hong Kong
407 Posts |
 Posted - Oct 09 2006 : 01:31:28 AM
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Hi all,
A life issue that I encounter frequently and on which I hope someone could shed some light:
Frequently our friends and someone we love would share with us their views on their enemies, usually unfairly, of course. They may come to the point that they share with us how they've made their successful revenge, with an obvious pride on their faces. You know, enjoying the pain of our enemies is one of the greatest pleasure (albeit a short and expensive one) for most people.
They, I mean our friends, are very eager to telling us about these, hoping to seek our appraisal and recognition. They want and need our support on their side.
And yet, I know this is a delusion that we fall into. My question is: how should we response?
If we tell them about how childish this really is, we help nothing about their hatred. People would not change their mind because we don't agree. It may even reinforce they hatred because they can't release it by finding someone that stand on their side.
On the other hand, it isn't natural for me to feel excited about such topics. Frankly, I'm full of disagreement. And I want to point out what I think and know!
What I did? Failing to decide what to do, I usually remain a bit silent. But most of my friends will know what I really mean: I don't agree. So while this would not lead to hot arguement, they don't get their support from me and it doesn't seem to help our friendship.
Any suggestions on what we should do in such circumstances? In terms of the overall effects?
Alvin |
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Wolfgang
Germany
470 Posts |
Posted - Oct 09 2006 : 06:00:59 AM
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My advice: try to talk jokingly to them, saying something like:
"Yeah, that story sounds cool, don't we all like to be winners,
and showing them that we are better, smarter etc. ...
But honestly, do you really want to be a revengeful person ?
Really, really, do you want to be that ?
I myself do not want to be such a person.
I want to be a person who is fair, truthful, integer,
and I believe if I am such a person, then I will be respected."
In terms of the overall effects: you will not know the outcome.
That person can actually decide to really become a revengeful person,
and it's his own choice then. You just pointed out to him,
that it is his freedom/conscious decision to be such a person.
The outcome may also be, that your friends start think
about their attitude.
But frankly speaking: it sounds as if you are the doormat
of your friends, having to listen to their needs
and not being able to express yourself (at the cost of loosing
a friendship)
with best intentions
Wolfgang |
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Scott
USA
969 Posts |
Posted - Oct 09 2006 : 07:39:11 AM
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I say loosen up. They're at the stage they're at. Think of it like they're little fish in the sea, and you used to be down there too but now you've made it up to the boat. You're wanting to hook them, and forcefully pull them up but they are obviously going to resist. They may hate you for it. But if they see that you're in the boat and they're in the sea, they will want to jump up there with you.
A silly analogy but I just woke up...forgive me!
I say, if you enjoy their company, then just continue enjoying it but know that playing the ethical mentor to your friends is going to make them angry. It's much better if you just lead by example and keep your advice to yourself.
Just my opinion, of course. Do whatever you like. |
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Maximus
India
187 Posts |
Posted - Oct 09 2006 : 09:33:32 AM
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| But taking revenge is different from 'punishing' isn't it? |
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Sonali
India
8 Posts |
Posted - Oct 09 2006 : 09:39:06 AM
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Hi Alvin, here is what I do. I definitely respond to the situation in a way that makes them think again. When someone tells me 'I was so mad at someone for being this way, I made their life miserable', I don't think but go with my gut reaction. OMG, did you do that. Wouldnt that hurt the family, or that person's self esteem. Fact is we all sometimes react with our hearts and not our minds but when confronted with the horrible affect the actions have it makes people think and feel guilty.
The guiding force for me is be yourself. And expressing your actual thoughts without being angry or mean but as if you totally get where they were but think that they didnt think of the consequences gets the most bang for my buck. Being silent or arguing back as if they were wrong you are judging them. Its amazing how many things we ourselves do things that we know are wrong but do it because we feel justfied in our anger.
There are always going to be some jerks but you would be surprised at how many people feel guilty about their actions. On the flip side even if they don't change atleast they are going to stop talking about it to you and make you uncomfortable. Maybe it will make you finally figure who your real friends are. |
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weaver
832 Posts |
Posted - Oct 09 2006 : 10:34:39 AM
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Hi Alvin,
One way you could respond to them telling you how good it felt when they had a successful revenge, would be to acknowledge this, not judging them or telling them what is right or wrong, but shedding more light on the situation so they will become more aware themselves of the consequences of their actions, so they will see it from a larger perspective than just their own.
Something like this: "Yes, I sense that it felt good when you could get back at them." (Most of the time people just have a need to feel listened to and understood.) Then point out something like: "I'm sure that that hit them hard, and now maybe they are boiling inside to get back at you again, or if they can't they may let it out on their family who will suffer" etc. etc.
Or, when they tell you about their triumphant revenge you could just acknowledge it, so that they feel heard, and then not elaborate any more. That way you are still neutral, without judgment. |
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Sparkle
Ireland
1457 Posts |
Posted - Oct 09 2006 : 10:52:00 AM
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Every situation is different, but here's what occurs to me now.
"I used to be into that revenge stuff myself, but then I realised it was actually doing me as much or more harm than the person I was doing it to. It's always a lose/lose situation for both parties, even though it might feel good initially.
Having said that I repect your right to do it, and wouldn't make a judgement on it"
Saint Louis - over and out. |
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