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mr_anderson
USA
734 Posts |
 Posted - Nov 08 2015 : 11:33:21 AM
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Bit of a long one today, so read if you're feeling patient!
I felt inspired to write a little about one’s motivates for engaging in spiritual practice. This discussion leads back to that powerful force itself which lies at the heart of all manifestation: desire.
Whilst I feel some powerful force, beyond my self-centered grasping, was at work when I, the-most unlikely-guy-to-stick-to-any-form-of-routine on the planet (it took me until I was 25, and a massive amount of forced effort, to develop the habit of brushing my teeth regularly!  ) suddenly became able to do something regularly, twice a day, without fail – I also, of course, brought all of my humanity and self-centered grasping into meditation practice with me.
That’s something that I’ve had to, gradually, become much more deeply conscious of. Becoming deeply conscious of it, gaining insight into it, gradually frees you from its bondage.
I wanted to write a little bit about the evolution of the motivation to practice: I think that after time, much like the mantra refines itself, the motivation to engage in practices and inquiry also refines itself. This has been a key “milestone” for me.
In the early days, I just came to practice to feel good. The reality was, I didn’t feel all that happy when I first came to meditation. Practice gradually cured the episodes of depression I used to experience. Freedom from psychological suffering was always a big motivation for me, and I believed in basically doing whatever the hell it took to make myself feel good.
Eventually, after a couple of years of this, I became disenchanted with bliss and yoga-highs. It seemed to me that it wasn’t much different from an addict using drugs to get high; I was just using spiritual practices to get high. I began to see that, using practices, from this position of self-centered grasping, was not really helping me to evolve. I’d been able to cultivate some pretty pleasant experiences, and an on-going feeling of ecstatic bliss, but sometimes even after a lot of rest, I’d come out of meditation and be really snappy.
There was a dichotomy between my “spiritual life” where I was meditating and/or spending time alone, feeling very serene, open and blissful and my “personal life” where I was sometimes being a bit of an asshole and not seeming to display much maturity. I could see I was still a slave to the same ego-driven fears and desires.
It was then that I began to see the transient nature of any state or experience. No matter what experience you have, or state you get in, no matter how awesome, how pleasurable, how amazing it feels: it’s always, always just temporary. This made me start to realize that enlightenment couldn’t be a state or particular experience, given all states and experiences are temporary.
It was this realization that caused me to start true inquiry. Yes I’d done “inquiry”, as in the mechanical repetition of stuff like “who am I”, with at least the subconscious (if not totally conscious!) motivation of “getting something out of it”: some state or realization or experience.
True inquiry began when I didn’t want to “get something” out of inquiry anymore. I’d stopped wanting experience to give me something or fulfill me in some way. I realized in my lifetime I’ve had millions of experiences, they’ve all been temporary, and not a single one of them permanently fulfilled me. I realized it was madness to continue trying to get lasting fulfillment out of something temporary and constantly changing like experiences.
That brought a much deeper level of stillness to my practice. For the first time ever, I started “just sitting”. Sitting without hope or desire, without attempting to manipulate my experience or get something out of my practice. Sitting for no reason at all, and just being aware.
For the first time my motivation changed, from a self-centered grasping for some sort of pleasurable experience, to the desire to simply see things with clarity. To see what was true. Seeing that one truth, the impermanence of experience, and it’s unsatisfactory nature, was the first step on the way. I guess in hindsight this roughly correlates with the Buddhist concept of “Dukkha”.
The inquiry I began was not a mechanical process, it was more like a passionate scientist engaged in the discovery of how subatomic particles function and interact with each other. It was a thrilling process of observation and discovery. I journaled a lot, I began to question my assumptions about what I was and everything I’d been given to believe about reality. Just about everything I’d ever learned or thought to be true. I stopped showing up to work, started calling in sick, and I’d spend all day engaged in this process. It was a magical time.
This was when the realizations I’d long desired started to flow, and I began to experience myself not as a separate self, but as a vast, spacious, expansive, blissful, unified/non-dual awareness. It was permanently life changing in a way which words simply cannot describe. So much suffering, fear and negativity just dropped away.
Then the honeymoon period ended. There was probably about a year and half with this sense of vast, magical freedom. That good old grasping self-center was saying: I LIKE THIS EXPERIENCE, MAKE IT STAY HOW IT IS.
Even in spite of that, the realization was never lost, what was seen could never be unseen. But the sense of freedom, the height of the experience faded away. I didn’t really know what to do after this.
In fact, it was extremely confusing. On one level, I’m this vast, spacious expanse of blissful consciousness, completely free from all relative concerns, yet at the same time, there’s a human being, flawed and foolish, trying to do his best in getting on with day to day life.
How does one reconcile these two extremes? I decided to just enjoy myself as much as possible, now safe in the knowledge that in grand scheme of things, this person’s life is just a drop in the ocean. A slightly nihilistic view, although a form of nihilism which was colored by love, bliss and happiness.
It was actually very good. I was able to relish the egoic state of consciousness of the person. Before, I’d been a person, in an egoic state of consciousness, trying to escape the egoic state of consciousness due to a desire to avoid suffering and because of some preconceived spiritual nonsense that I’d swallowed about this being the right thing to do.
Now I was simply able to see the egoic state as neutral, neither good nor bad, but quite magical in its own way. It was wonderful to feel the intensity of the emotions generated by such a state, to live in the world and drink in all its conflicts and fears and joys and shadows and terrors whilst at the same time experientially knowing my boundless freedom from this grand display. It’s like enjoying a good horror movie whilst safely tucked up in bed with hot chocolate.
I was able to make peace with being human, for the first time. As a little child I was intensely spiritual in nature, and as I moved into puberty I found everything about being human shocked, frightened, hurt, angered and disgusted me. I think this was why I found myself so keen to escape into some sort of spiritual experience from a relatively early age (18).
This new way of experiencing my humanity showed me that a human life really is a great gift. It may be very hard to bear, full of so much heartache and pain, but still it’s something to be savored, something to completely give oneself too. I was able to completely let go of spiritual ideals and concepts, trying to match a preconceived standard of how a spiritual person should be. Instead, I just allowed things to be as they are.
But after a time, a year or two, I began to receive signals that these apparent two extremes: the selfless sky of awareness, and the self-centered contraction of ego, do need to be brought into some form of congruence.
I hadn’t changed that much after my experiences. I'd found I'd become joyful and happy almost 100% of the time, as well as calmer and more balanced as a person. All kinds of things had stopped, like feeling insecure for instance, or being seriously worried about the future. But I definitely met people who I could see where expressive of a transformed human being: people who radiated love, peace and wisdom. I could see this human being, Josh, hadn’t really become like that.
My experiences have taught me that you don’t, you can’t, “fake it till you make it” at this sort of transformation. You don’t will yourself into it. You don’t intend it or set it as goal. It happens when the false self within you – that which grasps and contracts and thinks it knows stuff - genuinely dies away.
The false self can’t choose to die away, like the leaves on a tree; they only start to fall when it’s autumn. But this left me with a quandary; I could still feel a calling for my state of consciousness to evolve, shedding its former shell of self-centered grasping. Yet simultaneously, I’d directly seen there was absolutely nothing I could do to provoke this to happen. No amount of effort, practice or seeking on my part was going to evoke this change.
Furthermore, from the standpoint of the self-center, which is mainly interested in just getting what it thinks it wants, or what will bring the most pleasure, I didn’t even want this transformation to happen. No, that part of me just wanted to cling to the secure, comfortable, pleasant and familiar. So I have a powerful call to evolve, a powerful desire to preserve the status quo, and nothing I can really do to change anything.
Then recently, the answer came to me: to simply gain insight and clarity. To simply become very deeply conscious and aware, of every thought, of every belief, of every desire – to look at these things and examine what causes them. Not to try and change or manipulate them, but to gain a very deep insight. Where are they rooted, which ones are true, what are their consequences. To gain a deep insightful clarity into my human nature, and particularly the pattern of self-centered grasping that I can see arise.
I saw that I should should pursue this inquiry with no motivation other than to see everything very clearly. Then if change happens it will happen, if it doesn’t, then it doesn’t. But once again I’ve rediscovered the passion for simply seeing things clearly with sensitivity and insight, with no agenda, with no preconceived or desired outcome. To engage in this inquiry for its own sake, because it’s wonderfully interesting!
That’s the most important milestone for me recently, just to do things for their own sake, and to love seeing clearly above all.
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parvati9
USA
587 Posts |
Posted - Nov 08 2015 : 3:04:51 PM
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So beautiful Josh. Couple questions. Do you think continuously remembering who you are is the same as ensuring clarity? And is inner silence or inner peace a prerequisite for both?
You've helped me a lot on my spiritual path, for which I would like to express my sincere gratitude ... including the above enlightenment milestone.
much love 
parvati |
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kumar ul islam
United Kingdom
791 Posts |
Posted - Nov 08 2015 : 5:10:22 PM
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| thankyou josh |
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BillinL.A.
USA
375 Posts |
Posted - Nov 08 2015 : 5:46:00 PM
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Thanks Mr Anderson you keep inspiring me towards more openness. |
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maheswari
Lebanon
2520 Posts |
Posted - Nov 09 2015 : 02:23:49 AM
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SeySorciere
Seychelles
1571 Posts |
Posted - Nov 09 2015 : 03:34:53 AM
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Sey |
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Charliedog
1625 Posts |
Posted - Nov 09 2015 : 07:45:06 AM
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| Thank you for sharing this inspiring journey Josh, |
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jonesboy
USA
594 Posts |
Posted - Nov 09 2015 : 09:38:52 AM
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Hi Josh,
quote:
Then recently, the answer came to me: to simply gain insight and clarity. To simply become very deeply conscious and aware, of every thought, of every belief, of every desire – to look at these things and examine what causes them. Not to try and change or manipulate them, but to gain a very deep insight. Where are they rooted, which ones are true, what are their consequences. To gain a deep insightful clarity into my human nature, and particularly the pattern of self-centered grasping that I can see arise.
I saw that I should should pursue this inquiry with no motivation other than to see everything very clearly. Then if change happens it will happen, if it doesn’t, then it doesn’t. But once again I’ve rediscovered the passion for simply seeing things clearly with sensitivity and insight, with no agenda, with no preconceived or desired outcome. To engage in this inquiry for its own sake, because it’s wonderfully interesting!
Can you really find the root cause of your automatic ego responses or would it be better to reside with the energy of the emotions? |
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mr_anderson
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - Nov 09 2015 : 11:01:38 AM
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Jonesboy
quote:
Can you really find the root cause of your automatic ego responses or would it be better to reside with the energy of the emotions?
The root cause is always belief. By simply being aware, and not following thought stories, one automatically resides with the energy of the emotions. Standing as this aware presence, it's easy to see what is being believed, without believing it anymore. Once beliefs are exposed and no longer taken to be truth, they naturally dissipate. This is what I refer to by getting to the root cause.
Parvati
quote:
Do you think continuously remembering who you are is the same as ensuring clarity? And is inner silence or inner peace a prerequisite for both?
Hey Parvati - can you explain in a bit more detail what you mean so I'm certain I've understood you correctly?
Everyone else
Thank you |
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jonesboy
USA
594 Posts |
Posted - Nov 09 2015 : 12:22:59 PM
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Very nice Josh.
Thank you |
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sunyata
USA
1513 Posts |
Posted - Nov 09 2015 : 12:36:56 PM
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| Awesome post,Josh! I can taste freedom in this beautiful writing. |
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Beehive
USA
117 Posts |
Posted - Nov 09 2015 : 8:30:27 PM
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| Thank you. |
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
Posted - Nov 10 2015 : 12:05:03 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by mr_anderson
That’s the most important milestone for me recently, just to do things for their own sake, and to love seeing clearly above all.
Ain't nothing like the pristine clarity of a pure heart and mind! How I crave that! (It comes in waves.)
Then, there's the love of our preferred crafts, as you say. Just falling in love with all stages of the process: from the very beginning of our apprenticeship...all the way to the far side and leading edge of our progress and mastery. What a trip!
Thanks for sharing your always crisp and refreshing insights, Master Josh.  |
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tonightsthenight
846 Posts |
Posted - Nov 10 2015 : 09:04:56 AM
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thanks for sharing josh, bravo.
i can identify with a lot of that as well. one thing we tend to forget is that everything takes time to grow and mature, and it's the same with our spiritual fruition. and then we realize that it's us that's changing, and not the way things are, that's changing.
nice one and keep up the good work  |
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Ace
Germany
30 Posts |
Posted - Nov 10 2015 : 3:18:36 PM
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thanks for sharing this, it was beautiful to read.
quote:
It was wonderful to feel the intensity of the emotions generated by such a state, to live in the world and drink in all its conflicts and fears and joys and shadows and terrors whilst at the same time experientially knowing my boundless freedom from this grand display. It’s like enjoying a good horror movie whilst safely tucked up in bed with hot chocolate
When I read this paragraph I had to think of Yoganis phrase "to be from this world, but not of it". What a beautiful hot chocolate metaphor |
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Charliedog
1625 Posts |
Posted - Nov 11 2015 : 04:06:32 AM
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Dear Josh,
quote:
But after a time, a year or two, I began to receive signals that these apparent two extremes: the selfless sky of awareness, and the self-centered contraction of ego, do need to be brought into some form of congruence.
I hadn’t changed that much after my experiences. I'd found I'd become joyful and happy almost 100% of the time, as well as calmer and more balanced as a person. All kinds of things had stopped, like feeling insecure for instance, or being seriously worried about the future.
This is my experience at this moment and I wonder why I kind of suffer to this.
I can easy dwell in the selfless sky of awareness, completely melted away, but have to come back to the person I am, a happy joyful person. However the joy is there, the contraction of the person is easily felt.
By reading your post again I realize that it is not about being happy and joyful.
It is a realization that also the happiness and joy have to be left behind.
Freedom is free from everything....
Again thanks for the inspiration Josh, it helps. |
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sunyata
USA
1513 Posts |
Posted - Nov 11 2015 : 08:57:48 AM
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quote:
By reading your post again I realize that it is not about being happy and joyful.
It is a realization that also the happiness and joy have to be left behind.
Freedom is free from everything....
Beautiful Charliedog. A "yes" to everything has been life changing here as well. |
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mr_anderson
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - Nov 11 2015 : 2:33:30 PM
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Thanks guys!
Charliedog:
It's not exactly that happiness and joy themselves have to be left behind. It's that any grasping for, wanting, or trying to have/get happiness and joy have to be left behind! There's that grasping self-center which is always trying to manipulate and control experience. Becoming deeply aware of it, seeing it clearly, is freedom from it.
Then emotions may come and go, all sorts of highs and lows, but there's no suffering or story around them. They're just movements of energy. |
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Charliedog
1625 Posts |
Posted - Nov 12 2015 : 04:09:24 AM
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quote:
Becoming deeply aware of it, seeing it clearly, is freedom from it.
Thank you Josh |
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Charliedog
1625 Posts |
Posted - Nov 12 2015 : 05:58:06 AM
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Sunyata
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parvati9
USA
587 Posts |
Posted - Nov 14 2015 : 2:34:52 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by mr_anderson
Thanks guys!
Charliedog:
It's not exactly that happiness and joy themselves have to be left behind. It's that any grasping for, wanting, or trying to have/get happiness and joy have to be left behind! There's that grasping self-center which is always trying to manipulate and control experience. Becoming deeply aware of it, seeing it clearly, is freedom from it.
Then emotions may come and go, all sorts of highs and lows, but there's no suffering or story around them. They're just movements of energy.
The above is very well said. However, becoming deeply aware of the tendency to separate our individual awareness from the totality, and beginning to clearly see that dynamic, may not be all that is involved. The actual letting go may involve deeply knowing what we are and being entirely OPEN to That. Which we gradually learn is a great deal more than what apparently resides in the separate body.
Grasping and aversion is definitely connected with suffering. From my experience, it's quite difficult to completely let go (especially of the aversion). In my case there is acceptance/ allowance for clinging and averting... but then letting go or disowning the fruits of the clinging and averting. Does that make any sense? In other words, there is a free expression of desire, but with conscious detachment from the outcome.
If there is something that is required of universal righteousness and simultaneously a feeling of inadequacy to cause it to manifest, then a call is placed on the universe to empower that to happen - no matter how the universe may (or may not) accomplish it. Again, there is a conscious letting go of the results/ fruits of one's demand, request or prayer. In Christian terms, it would be equivalent to asking God, the divine, to keep His promises and to manifest righteousness. Which imo is the most powerful request of the divine and mandates a response. The hallmark of an elevated consciousness is being OPEN to the needs of others in order to empower righteousness.
It is kind of like throwing the 'dice of life' in one's own style, then being willing to dance with the outcome no matter what it is. The result is freedom to experience whatever the universe provides in response (positive and negative)... while at the same time most of the emotional baggage and desires are felt exactly as they are, no editing, no stories. It is a sense of moving along this path to the point where there is contentment (sometimes ecstasy) just in BEING. Anything beyond that is regarded as a bonus - happy, sad, enthusiastic, bored ... it's all good ... as long as the authentic Self is realized/ remembered. So the clarity resides in that remembrance.
What was said before that you asked for amplification... rephrased as a statement rather than question:
For me, continuously remembering my authentic Self is more or less the same as ensuring clarity...and that state of clarity is the bedrock of inner peace.
love
parvati |
Edited by - parvati9 on Nov 15 2015 07:58:08 AM |
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joseph
117 Posts |
Posted - Nov 20 2015 : 1:41:20 PM
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quote:
Then recently, the answer came to me: to simply gain insight and clarity. To simply become very deeply conscious and aware, of every thought, of every belief, of every desire – to look at these things and examine what causes them
very Krishnamurti-esque!
:) |
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SeySorciere
Seychelles
1571 Posts |
Posted - Nov 26 2015 : 02:38:42 AM
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To borrow from a posting of Jonesboy on another thread, this is my current experience of clear seeing and I am sure it will keep evolving. I will bold the parts which hold true for me.
As for this sparkling awareness, which is called "mind,"
Even though one says that it exists, it does not actually exist.
(On the other hand) as a source, it is the origin of the diversity of all the bliss of Nirvana and all of the sorrow of Samsara.
And as for it¡¯s being something desirable; it is cherished alike in the Eleven Vehicles.
With respect to its having a name, the various names that are applied to it are inconceivable (in their numbers).
Some call it "the nature of the mind" or "mind itself."
Some Tirthikas call it by the name Atman or "the Self."
The Sravakas call it the doctrine of Anatman or "the absence of a self."
The Chittamatrins call it by the name Chitta or "the Mind."
Some call it the Praj?¨¢p¨¢ramit¨¢ or "the Perfection of Wisdom."
Some call it the name Tathagata-garbha or "the embryo of Buddhahood."
Some call it by the name Mahamudra or "the Great Symbol."
Some call it by the name "the Unique Sphere."
Some call it by the name Dharmadhatu or "the dimension of Reality."
Some call it by the name Alaya or "the basis of everything."
And some simply call it by the name "ordinary awareness."
7.
Now, when you are introduced (to your own intrinsic awareness), the method for entering into it involves three considerations:
Thoughts in the past are clear and empty and leave no traces behind.
Thoughts in the future are fresh and unconditioned by anything.
And in the present moment, when (your mind) remains in its own condition without constructing anything,
awareness, at that moment, in itself is quite ordinary.
And when you look into yourself in this way nakedly (without any discursive thoughts),
Since there is only this pure observing, there will be found a lucid clarity without anyone being there who is the observer;
only a naked manifest awareness is present.
(This awareness) is empty and immaculately pure, not being created by anything whatsoever.
It is authentic and unadulterated, without any duality of clarity and emptiness.
It is not permanent and yet it is not created by anything.
However, it is not a mere nothingness or something annihilated because it is lucid and present.
It does not exist as a single entity because it is present and clear in terms of being many.
(On the other hand) it is not created as a multiplicity of things because it is inseparable and of a single flavor.
This inherent self-awareness does not derive from anything outside itself.
This is the real introduction to the actual condition of things.
Sey
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mr_anderson
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - Nov 27 2015 : 9:04:34 PM
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Joseph - Yep, now that you mention it, there's a big link between what I'm saying and Krishnamurti (K). However, it's only through coming to a sort of awakening to this unconditioned way of being that I became able to understand a word K says... he rambles on and on, and manages to waffle are large amount of stuff which I find entirely irrelevant! Haha. Always found him quite hard-going, but now I see what he was driving at.
Sey - That's beautiful. I like the term "ordinary awareness" the best too - who would've thought something so ordinary, so overlooked, would be a key to liberation. The above sounds like a Dzogchen instruction - I've seen the quote before somewhere. Where does it come from? Josh |
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To simply see clearly
