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Anthem
1608 Posts |
 Posted - Oct 04 2006 : 11:58:07 PM
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I have come to realize how much effort I put into proving to myself that I am "good" and not a "bad" person. A huge amount of what I take the time to say to people is often looking for an opportunity to prove my self-worth to myself, to prove I am good. For example, I noticed myself asking someone if they had a good time at an event I had organized. Half perhaps because I wanted to know they were happy but probably at least half because if they did have a good time, then I was responsible and therefore did a good event and was a good person.
Yes a hilarious number of assumptions but very interesting. Self-enquiry has always been a hobby for me and over the last year or so I have done much in this department thanks to Byron Katie's book "Loving What Is". What I have come to observe recently is that all the issues in myself seem to come down to this root cause or root thought-> Am I good or bad or is what I do good or bad? Am I better because of this or a little worse, I seem to always be looking for meaning. It is interesting to observe in yourself and others, every subtle manipulation to elicit what we are looking for to prove our worth to ourselves.
I think this comes from my basic conditioning as a young child. I very much wanted to please, I wanted to be the "good boy" for my parents, friends, teachers, then later on in life it evolved into a "good person" to boss's girlfriends etc. I notice every insecurity that comes up is a fear that if it is true then it means I am not good or I am a bad person. Wow, what incredibly powerful labels yet so arbitrary and easy to manipulate and suffer from.
Conclusion? Well it may seem obvious but it is simply the realization that I "just am" that saves me from all of this. Life just is, we are the ones that label it and put arbitrary meaning onto it. I be, I do, I am , it is, this is all there is and the only things that are real, the rest is made up by our minds, virtual reality. I am neither good nor bad. I can only be true to what I am or not, I will feel it either way. |
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Oct 05 2006 : 04:21:04 AM
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 Anthem, as always - love your reports!
Yesterday evening it became clear to me that when I judge myself as "good" I immediately think of someone else as less good. I try to put myself above others. But in truth we are all one, and therefore we are totally equal.
What released my insight was that I realized that whenever I get upset over something, and think people are idiots or pathetic doing this or that - it is only a projection of a characteristic I have in my self. I do the very same thing myself if I dare to look closely on myself. Yesterday I saw my own dark sides and how I have behaved like an idiot. What is the point of blaming others for things I do myself as well? It can only lead to forgiveness. If I can forgive myself for doing it, I must forgive everyone doing it, and just accept the fact that that's what we do here on earth. And when I forgive it is not important anymore. It looses its emotional loading.
Then the clarity comes of how we play ego-games and when not identifying with it I can see it for what it is. What I do, what others do. That nothing really is good or bad or any cause to be upset. And since no things we do are good or bad, I can not be good or bad as a person. I am just a mind-body vehicle reacting based on old experiences. I have no choice to do otherwise until I become conscious of that and can stop identifying with it.
This relief and relaxation is wiping out more and more "problem areas" of mine. I get lighter and lighter. |
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Anthem
1608 Posts |
Posted - Oct 05 2006 : 11:03:14 PM
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Hi EMC,
Thank you for the kind words.
quote:
I am just a mind-body vehicle reacting based on old experiences. I have no choice to do otherwise until I become conscious of that and can stop identifying with it.
This is a great point, it reminds me to cut myself some slack when I see myself identifying with something I think I shouldn't!
Thanks for that,
A
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Balance
USA
967 Posts |
Posted - Oct 06 2006 : 12:49:28 AM
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| I had meant to respond yesterday and remembered when emc pulled your post up to the fore. From what little I know about you from a distance I think your basic drive of goodness will be vindicated as "I" continues to dissolve and "you" will experience a supreme level of goodness throughout the entire universe of Being. What you have desired to be will be answered a thousand-fold. You are already accepted and embraced by the Love you seek. Just my hunch |
Edited by - Balance on Oct 06 2006 01:13:19 AM |
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Anthem
1608 Posts |
Posted - Oct 07 2006 : 12:19:44 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Balance
I had meant to respond yesterday and remembered when emc pulled your post up to the fore. From what little I know about you from a distance I think your basic drive of goodness will be vindicated as "I" continues to dissolve and "you" will experience a supreme level of goodness throughout the entire universe of Being. What you have desired to be will be answered a thousand-fold. You are already accepted and embraced by the Love you seek. Just my hunch
Thank you for the warm words Alan, they are very appreciated, I think it's a great "hunch"!
A
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I am - a cure for the human condition?
