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Anima
484 Posts |
 Posted - Nov 05 2014 : 12:23:18 AM
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So, I have wanted to speak at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting for some time without restraint. Tonight, I did that, giving a polished, metaphorical, and impassioned speech in a room of about 100 people. I recognized a few faces in a cursory manner. My speech expressed my feeling that we in AA are denying ourselves with identification when the suffering we feel is universal and not a sickness. Our past and present follies are not unique. My view is that the AA "program," including the practice, literature, philosophy of the founders, and its 12 steps, is deeply misidentifying the nature of suffering and recovery. Human suffering is like a note in a symphony of divine madness, what Plato calls theia mania in his Phaedrus. Every creature is given this at some point. My question is why we (in AA) hide ourselves in the cold, medical denial of psychiatric defeat when we say we are really spiritually expanding and full of joy and integrity.
I understand that we are all human. I might guess that I understand we are also divine. Somewhere in between this split personality of humanity, we in AA have turned to treating ourselves as less than human. We have disempowered ourselves in a hurtful way and are going hungry. Many of us crave fuller sustenance at our tables. But none will say it!
As I spoke, a woman interrupted me after about five minutes by saying "thank you." I thanked her... for giving me the opportunity to continue. One man at the front of the room, seated behind the authority table, interrupted me, saying, "speak with 'we,' not with 'I.'" I responded only that I would speak as I saw fit. Alas, my extraneous syllables were numbered. Others joined soon after and bid my oration adieu with a collective "thank you." Ample yet uncommon applause ensued, as did many glances in my direction.
Unfortunately, I ended up commenting on my interrupter's own talk toward the end. She spoke of how she was not going to hide. Yet in seeking a new job, she would conceal the fact that she was fired with generality. I said, "Why don't you tell them you got fired?"
The room became very polarized, anxious, and in parts, disgusted and angry with my behavior. I do not think it was my "crosstalk," which is speaking out of turn. I did not mean it hurtfully. Still, I feel my comment was as much a maneuvered statement as it was a genuine question. That is burdening in every discussion I undertake.
A small group listened to me speak to several people after the meeting. One man came up and got in my face, saying, "That was f***** up what you said to that lady" before turning his back and retreating. After talking a couple critical men into submission (of relating their real feelings, which was actually anger), I made a point about how we starve ourselves at our own tables. Unfortunately, I cursed in the Lord's place of worship, and I am ashamed.
Actually, I feel many things... so many thoughts. I've never felt as alive as I did tonight, giving that speech. At the same time, I feel so much doubt and even some paranoia (about my fate). I want to see us in the recovering communities to really recover. I know it is possible, but the narrow lens of the AA program is scorching our being into neurosis and judgmental codependency.
Then I think of my massive ego... The one that is insulted, even in being compared to Mt. Rushmore, due to that mountain's lack of taste and artistry. I recorded my own speech! How tripped out am I, really, people? I mean, yeah, I'm good, and I believe I'm doing something good. The last man I spoke to tonight finally told me, "They're not ready." I grinned and looked him in the eye, patted his arm, and said, "Yes they are." I walked off, wondering why I hadn't said "Yes we are."
The desire is so strong, guys... I can only try to stay somewhat reasonable and ask God for guidance and to remove my delusion. Am I merely spiteful after 20 years of sententious AA meetings and rhetoric, churned out from vapid and bitter countenance? Am I finally doing what I need to do? Am I denying my most intimate self--To that, I must say that I am not. But I've been fooled before.
Thanks for reading. Please help me with feedback if you feel it good to do so. I am being evicted in a couple weeks, have been trying to get a job for 5 months (with no luck), and have resumed AYP style sitting practices. I know I strike most as arrogant and boisterous... People have always accused my mind of immorality, despite my best efforts. I'm pretty scared with everything that's happening. I can stay at the homeless shelter though. I hope they can help me get an easy job so I can pursue my writings and yoga in a more balanced fashion.
Ego-Fire
My gut burns to speak of pain, anger, dark, and misery.
It’s in all of us, you know. It’s not a disease.
Least of all an “allergy.”
What is it, but to see our being and its end, as comedy and tragedy?
Little masks over unfathomable joy in every way.
Dark and light the panoply we pretend not to see.
To live is not a problem, to think and feel--to be I or to be you.
I am real. We all are. Deny any part for what whole?
All comes to Him, we say.
Honeyed words dance in my head, polished sweetly, full of dread.
Their fierce power feels unbridled, but I am not. I live.
I die. In samyama are given, these fickle words and I.
  
PS: I will apologize to the woman and the group for my callous manner.
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Edited by - Anima on Nov 05 2014 12:48:02 AM |
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Dogboy
USA
2242 Posts |
Posted - Nov 05 2014 : 09:46:23 AM
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quote:
As I spoke, a woman interrupted me after about five minutes by saying "thank you." I thanked her... for giving me the opportunity to continue. One man at the front of the room, seated behind the authority table, interrupted me, saying, "speak with 'we,' not with 'I.'" I responded only that I would speak as I saw fit. Alas, my extraneous syllables were numbered. Others joined soon after and bid my oration adieu with a collective "thank you." Ample yet uncommon applause ensued, as did many glances in my direction.
I believe there is a five minute limit on speaking in AA, especially in a group that large, no?
quote:
My speech expressed my feeling that we in AA are denying ourselves with identification when the suffering we feel is universal and not a sickness. Our past and present follies are not unique. My view is that the AA "program," including the practice, literature, philosophy of the founders, and its 12 steps, is deeply misidentifying the nature of suffering and recovery. Human suffering is like a note in a symphony of divine madness, what Plato calls theia mania in his Phaedrus. Every creature is given this at some point.
Wow, this is a speech I'd like to hear; a lot to cover in that time limit however!
quote:
The room became very polarized, anxious, and in parts, disgusted and angry with my behavior. I do not think it was my "crosstalk," which is speaking out of turn. I did not mean it hurtfully. Still, I feel my comment was as much a maneuvered statement as it was a genuine question. That is burdening in every discussion I undertake.
Very insightful those last two sentences, albeit after the fact. There is no doubt as to you Bhakti on your position. I praise you for your courage to present it and speak from the heart. I am sure from the reaction, some saw it as attacking the program. AA has been operating for decades on its platform, and a single 5 minute speech will not be receptive to many who ascribe to that platform. Perhaps the ideas re suffering in your speech should be presented in a series of speeches, so as to give more time to this important topic.
quote:
I am being evicted in a couple weeks, have been trying to get a job for 5 months (with no luck), and have resumed AYP style sitting practices. I know I strike most as arrogant and boisterous... People have always accused my mind of immorality, despite my best efforts. I'm pretty scared with everything that's happening. I can stay at the homeless shelter though. I hope they can help me get an easy job so I can pursue my writings and yoga in a more balanced fashion.
You have a lot happening, my friend. As taught by both AYP and AA, surrender and trust in the higher power. Seek balance in your passions and present those ideas with a honeyed tongue. You have experienced, and are experiencing suffering like many, even in AA, have not. Keep sharing with your fellow travelers of AA your ideas on universal suffering, with the focus on personal change, rather than the tall order of institutional change.
quote:
Honeyed words dance in my head, polished sweetly, full of dread.
Their fierce power feels unbridled, but I am not. I live.
I die. In samyama are given, these fickle words and I.
PS: I will apologize to the woman and the group for my callous manner.
Beautiful honeyed words indeed! Especially the apology. Remember you are loved. I will keep you in samyama. |
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BlueRaincoat
United Kingdom
1731 Posts |
Posted - Nov 05 2014 : 09:58:58 AM
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Dear Anima
Your recent posts have been heart breaking. I wish I could help you with more than prayers, which I am nevertheless sending your way.
quote:
Originally posted by Anima Deorum
Unfortunately, I cursed in the Lord's place of worship, and I am ashamed.
Let that be the least of your worries. I can't put it any better than Leonard Cohen, so I'm going to quote him (again  ):
"There's a blaze of light in every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken hallelujah"
As there is a blaze of light in your anger, and in your boisterousness. And, I'm going to put it to you, there is light in the crutch too. AA is offering the crutch of co-dependence, perhaps denial (although those people must have overcome at least some form of denial since they are all there). I agree, the crutch can become a hindrance when it comes to taking a new step, to standing on your own two feet, without the need to hold onto something or someone. But you cannot deny that the crutch is first a blessing - it is what helped those people pick themselves up and and dear to believe there is an alternative to total defeat.
Are you saying that you know how that mighty feat - standing free, without a crutch - can be accomplished?
Is there a chance that you could even rise to the challenge of showing others how it can be done? And bear this in mind - knowing-how-to is not enough. You would have to go in there with a positive message, tell those people they have done well to come as far as they have. And that there is another stage to their journey. Are you the man who can show them the way? Of course some may be ready, some may not. But adding your anger to theirs is of limited help.
I'm not suggesting it's easy. You would have to distil the light from your anger, and make it shine with the untiring power of Love. Can you do it? You would have to first learn to love and accept the crutch too. Only then you will be able to rise above it.
Forgive me if that sounds all-knowing - I am far, far from being that. But I might be benefiting from the clarity of view sometimes afforded to the stander by. It's not much to share, but I'm sharing it anyway, in the hope that one more point of view may perhaps nudge a wisdom that is dawning in you already.
It is you who's in the lion's den. What will you do?
I see I've crossed fire with Dogboy. I'm glad he got his post in first, to offer much needed support before I present you with my challenge - probably rather insensitively at a time when you've got so much to deal with. |
Edited by - BlueRaincoat on Nov 05 2014 10:18:35 AM |
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Anima
484 Posts |
Posted - Nov 05 2014 : 12:53:23 PM
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Dear friends:
I've had some time to reflect, but above all, I value your honest feedback.
Dogboy, there is no time limit for sharing at this meeting. I actually spoke for only 4 minutes before being censored. This was immediately after I suggested that pain and truth existed before any specific religion or the founders. I will be happy to send you the MP3 fie. Regarding my sense of rhetorical "sociopathy," I can only say that it is often in my awareness. And I think you're right! Personal change will be the root focus, and I do intend to follow up with a short series in a balanced manner... However, my body needs to level out for a couple days. I may speak again on Friday.
BlueRaincoat, this is indeed an excellent inquiry you've presented. You most likely know, as I have seen, that it is in every person's heart, in some form. So, I do not view your statements as audacious, but rather as appropriate and compassionate. Questions are statements--Are they not? Forgive the anacoluthon.
You're right about the miracle of coming to recovery. And there is strength at those tables. That is why I will not walk away from them. Am I that man who knows, that man who can, who will, who claims? My mind loves to toy with these questions, daring me: Quis audet, vincet (who dares, wins).
All I can say is the lion ripped me asunder some time ago Now he is kind of full. I also think about anger... how it cannot be denied, and I wonder if it will grip me like anything else in our stomachs. I think your suggestion of refinement is a good idea to strive toward: In action. Distillation would seem, in my view, to be an artifice or product. I must be genuine.
Regarding all the questions of if I know, am capable, etc... It is easy to die before such doubts. I feel I must speak on spiritual freedom, and I will. None of us really know an outcome. I'm going for it (after some rest).
Very helpful, my friends, thank you. I will soften the tone. That is often a challenge for me.
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
Posted - Nov 05 2014 : 6:14:52 PM
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Good stuff, Anima. 
Your passion for language, and the power of language, is inspiring and brave. Words matters. Words point to reality. Words shape reality. Words are reality.
One word can make a difference. Imagine if Yogani's instruction for Deep Meditation was to "harshly" favor the mantra. Do you see? Anyone who tries to deny the power of language is being unrealistic.
The language of AA, the theological framework, and the general disease paradigm are clearly not satisfying a deeper desire in people like you and me. So, the only options are: change AA from the inside, or start something new. Well, trying to change AA from the inside is not going to happen. There is no operational structure in place to allow for any amendments to the 12 Steps, or reformation of the prevailing psychology. Actually, I once heard that there might be some clauses or fine print to allow change, but it would take some massive majority of AA attendees to leverage some kind of petition for change. It just ain't happening.
Therefore, we look at option #2: start something new. Enter "AYP for Recovery"...an open-source system based not on theological beliefs or moral presumptions, but on a desire to engage in practices that purify and open the nervous system to freedom and joy. Pretty simple. The genius is in the simplicity. Cause and effect.
Vision + Desire + Action = Achievement
Now, I think AA has plenty of saving graces, including the motto of "attraction rather than promotion". Therefore, if my condition of inner silence is genuine--if there is some divine love pouring out--it will surely attract like-minded recovering addicts who want to cultivate serenity more directly through practices like Deep Meditation. That's what I'm betting on. Keep leading by example, do the practices, and the people will show up.
"If you build it, they will come." --from Field of Dreams |
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Anima
484 Posts |
Posted - Nov 05 2014 : 6:38:41 PM
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BlueRaincoat
United Kingdom
1731 Posts |
Posted - Nov 06 2014 : 06:41:12 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Bodhi Tree
Therefore, we look at option #2: start something new. Enter "AYP for Recovery"...an open-source system based not on theological beliefs or moral presumptions, but on a desire to engage in practices that purify and open the nervous system to freedom and joy.
You are doing a wonderful thing there Bodhi. I hope it will be a big success. |
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Ego-Fire
