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Anima
484 Posts |
 Posted - Jul 08 2014 : 09:24:32 AM
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Dear friends:
This is an intimate subject.
I confess that my ambitions are falling away. I long for a quiet life of worship, service, contemplation, and celibacy. Suffering is a gift. So, too, is beauty. But I have less and less desire to flaunt sophisticated language and concepts. Almost no one understands them, anyway; just like I used to imagine. To whom could I offer them, but the Lord? Whom might I serve, but Him and my fellows? It’s feeling clearer that family and relationship cannot satisfy this deep desire in me. Any profession I see myself in will not fit this longing.
I’m still stabilizing my meditation routine. I usually do spinal breathing, deep meditation, and samyama/ prayer once a day. I’m working on using a timer on my tablet to get to consistent practices, twice a day. My finances are fairly stable. My mind and emotions are unstable. My perspective is unstable. It is so frustrating. The anger is impotent, but at least that means it is phasing into something else. The old venom is losing its grip.
Kind actions are stabilizing. Forgiveness is stabilizing. Desire for quiet service, worship, and celibacy is stabilizing. I just don’t know how to find them. Although, I feel reassured that it will happen. In fact, I wrote a poem about it after meditation last night, below.
I’m currently in a work environment that I find very painful. It’s very loud and judgmental. Lots of loud, vulgar music, jokes, and comments. I have trouble focusing. Lots of loud people, trying to hide their feelings and disappointments from each other. Lots of wasted self-deception. If the environment is bad, then why am I still there? Mostly to keep my apartment stable until the lease is paid off, and I can return the small loan my mom helped me with to pay the security deposit.
I told my boss I don’t want to work there. He demoted me until I find a new job. I’m very grateful for that, but I really want the job to end. In short, I haven’t been able to find another job that would seem to be an improvement.
It’s clear why. The job is not really a problem. I am not able to have a good attitude there. I do not see the value of being engaged in ambition anymore. I’m not sure I ever have. I have been sorrowful for most of my life. I don’t find that to be bad at all. In fact, it led me from atheism to the wondrous experience of desiring God in all things. With the help of a priest, I recently prayed to Lord Ganesha to help me find a new job that will be in complete service to God. Won’t He let me give the rest of my days to Him in service, learning compassion, humility, and character? Would He show me more absurdity and meaninglessness unto madness?
What can I object to? Anything. But there is no real foundation. It is all chaos. God, as the Silent Witness, guides us. As He is called, Sat Chit Ananda.
So, I’m going to check out a Quaker meeting house with unstructured meditations and a local kirtan group. The aim is not to distract myself from core practices, but to venture out in the hopes of finding purposeful engagement of service. I feel very attracted to monastic life, and wish to explore that possibility. I’m looking at monasteries around the country with interest. I pray to Krishna and Christ, but feel excluded from the major traditions.
And I will apply to more JOBS.
Does anyone have similar feelings or some suggestions?
Love
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Celibacy
I feel it is time.
Lord, please guide me on my path.
Help me love You more.
Help me love my fellows.
Help me love myself.
Help me give myself to You.
Help me be of service.
I listen: It's time.
Please guide me.
Forgive me.
Thank you.
Your child,
7/7/2014
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Ananda
3115 Posts |
Posted - Jul 08 2014 : 09:44:28 AM
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Dear, all I can say is I've been where you were at. I've quit my job and regretted it.. I met a woman and made love with her but I don't regret that.. She's been a great teacher and friend... The same goes for the job. You have to find these things out yourself. Only good advise I am sure of... is don't leave your old job until you find some other one and you are sure about it. Also mention me in your prayers
much love
Ananda |
Edited by - Ananda on Jul 08 2014 09:49:58 AM |
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Dogboy
USA
2242 Posts |
Posted - Jul 08 2014 : 11:21:22 AM
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Dear Anima
I have many of your posts and are touched how devout you are, how willing you are to bare your soul and show your wounds. You have overcome so much to get where you are and still you struggle to find your way forward. You are a courageous warrior. Please do not give into despair.
As a 'newbie' I haven't much to offer other than my prayers for your prayers to be answered. Keep the faith your path will soon be clear; keep the faith you.can and will overcome. You are loved!  |
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
Posted - Jul 08 2014 : 1:25:08 PM
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I find this to be very strong self-inquiry, Anima. It seems like you're more clearly perceiving yourself on a deeper level, even amidst the suffering, which is on its way out. I think the suffering is a gift too, because it's our gateway to liberation. Fortunately, Yogani has provided the helpful mental template of regarding this all as scenery, so we can persist in our devotion to higher consciousness.
Thank you for the eloquent writing. |
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jonesboy
USA
594 Posts |
Posted - Jul 08 2014 : 10:04:09 PM
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Anima my friend,
That was very honest and beautifully written. Thank you.
I feel I must say that you are seeing your projections and attachments. What you see as naked ambition may be masked desperation (Living Unbound: Accepting Reality). I work for a large financial institution. My mindset has changed from everyone is my competition to how can I be of service, how can I help. Do "The Work" and then let it go into Samyama (Samyama and Self Inquiry)and if you can do your job and find ways to be of service it makes it very fun.
Forgive me but I am finding others much better at explaining things than I. I found this yesterday so it must be for you, now.
Ram Dass Uncooked Seeds |
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Anima
484 Posts |
Posted - Jul 09 2014 : 08:25:07 AM
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Ananda, I will pray with you.
Dogboy, you are loved as well.
Bodhi, your friendship is strong.
Jonesboy, we are of service.
Thank you, everyone. |
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Radharani
USA
843 Posts |
Posted - Jul 12 2014 : 12:33:07 AM
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Nice poem!
I have no advice other than what everybody already said, above.
But, your life already belongs to God no matter what you do w/ regard to the details.
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Anima
484 Posts |
Posted - Jul 12 2014 : 4:28:34 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Radharani
Nice poem!
I have no advice other than what everybody already said, above.
But, your life already belongs to God no matter what you do w/ regard to the details.
Thank you, Radharani |
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The_seeker
Canada
27 Posts |
Posted - Sep 28 2014 : 11:02:38 PM
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I have just returned from Eastern Europe dear Anima. In my wanderings in the Carpathian mountains, I stayed a night in an orthodox monastery. It was so beautiful, what a pure, quiet environment...
I felt so minuscule and dirty amongst those humble, compassionate, peaceful monks...
They live like people in the past, no phone, no tv, no pc, only books, candels and...prayer.
It sounds beautiful, but I think it's a very hard life, the fire has to really burn inside in order to quit our modern, confortable life.
And yes, I've had so many times these feelings (feeling attracted to monastic life), but I truly believe Yogani's way offers so much balance and a balanced way avoids bad fallings and gives you clarity along the way.
Love
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Anima
484 Posts |
Posted - Oct 01 2014 : 10:21:46 AM
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| Thank you, Seeker. |
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Giving Myself Over
