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kami
USA
921 Posts |
 Posted - Mar 25 2014 : 12:55:19 PM
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Wanted to share my personal experience of the spiritual path, particularly over the last few months. Increasingly what is becoming clear here is that the fundamental issue is that of grasping; yet, it evolves so sneakily on the "path" that it simply takes on different avatars instead of truly being looked through.. Much of this is from my own experience described here.
So, what does one grasp at? In simple words, the "I", "me" and "mine". We have all heard that this is the root of all suffering, of trials and tribulations of being human. We have also heard that losing identification with the "I" is liberation. Yet, it seems that is not the whole story. Even after that identification is loosened, the grasping can continue at a whole new level.
Here are the various stages of this grasping and how it becomes subtler and subtler:
1. Before coming on to the "path": Not much need be said about this; the entire universe seems to revolve around "me" and "my" problems/happiness.
2. On the path: This is where it begins to get tricky. As we grow in inner silence, we become aware of all the gross ways we grasp and while much of this is dropped automatically, some of it simply changes form. We go from grasping at being a "material" seeker to a "spiritual" seeker, to the one that "does" yoga, karma yoga, bhakti, Zen/Dzogchen/kriya/tantra, to the one that advises/mentors/heals others, to the one that has (or does not have) Kundalini symptoms or overload, to the one that has "given up" anger/lust/hatred, to the one that is capable of "third eye" phenomena be it seeing/sensing/feeling things and people or traveling astrally or communing with Buddha/Jesus, to the one that is an expert at "surrendering" and "letting go", to the one that is "expanding in consciousness" and has realized rigpa/Brahman/emptiness/no-self..
No matter where we may be on this spectrum, the fundamental issue of grasping at "I" is still very much alive. There is an "I" that is doing all those things or experiencing it all.
3. After "self-realization": Self-realization is the seeing that "I" as an entity is merely a concept created by the mind-emotion-conditioning complex. In retrospect, this is the most obvious thing and makes one wonder (after the fact) what the hoopla about awakening is all about. However, for most of us, this realization (even after it happens) takes time to sink in and to transform the layers of "I"ness that have built up over eons. For someone that has realized what they are not, the grasping frequently transfers to that - in the form of denial/nihilism. One can keep saying they know they are not this body/form and yet continue to be played by emotional hooks.
This seeing of who I am not is so powerful that most think it is "it", that the journey is done. And so we may continue to grasp in the delusion of being the one that "does" the non-doing or not practicing. Although the seeking is very much alive, it is simply denied because it does not fit into this new "view" of who I am. One may say they are not interested in enlightenment anymore, but they seek out every teaching in the book, have discussions with whoever will listen and assert their positions on everything "spiritual".
And so the fundamental issue of "I" remains strong and can grow stronger through this subtle grasping. There is still an "I" that is doing the non-doing, non-practicing, non-seeking!!
Since this awakening, I have gone through periods of clarity of seeing all the ways the grasping goes on in daily life. Every thought that comes up is an "I" thought, centered around "me", even while not being so identified with it.
Thus, now the practice is to see/note as things happen - sensations, seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, feeling and to simply notice the thought process that comes up with it. If not "caught", these subtle thought mechanics hook one in back to grasping. Noticing how in the immediacy of the experience of say, walking, the mind interprets it as "I am walking", or "I am listening/seeing/talking"..
Noticing the mind's subtle workings is deconstructing it. Deconstructing it is ungrasping. Ungrasping is freedom.
Or so it feels at the moment. 
Thanks to anyone that managed to read through this obnoxiously long post!
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jonesboy
USA
594 Posts |
Posted - Mar 25 2014 : 1:43:10 PM
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Thank you kami  |
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Omsat
Belgium
267 Posts |
Posted - Mar 25 2014 : 10:28:47 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by kami
Thanks to anyone that managed to read through this obnoxiously long post!
Managed! 
It was not that hard: As usual, your post is well-written, well-structured, clear, insightful and personal making for an enjoyable & interesting read.. Dhanyavadah.. Looking forward to read the further unfoldment.. |
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Govinda
USA
176 Posts |
Posted - Mar 26 2014 : 12:40:07 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by kami
We go from grasping at being a "material" seeker to a "spiritual" seeker, to the one that "does" yoga, karma yoga, bhakti, Zen/Dzogchen/kriya/tantra, to the one that advises/mentors/heals others, to the one that has (or does not have) Kundalini symptoms or overload, to the one that has "given up" anger/lust/hatred, to the one that is capable of "third eye" phenomena be it seeing/sensing/feeling things and people or traveling astrally or communing with Buddha/Jesus, to the one that is an expert at "surrendering" and "letting go", to the one that is "expanding in consciousness" and has realized rigpa/Brahman/emptiness/no-self.. No matter where we may be on this spectrum, the fundamental issue of grasping at "I" is still very much alive. There is an "I" that is doing all those things or experiencing it all. And so the fundamental issue of "I" remains strong and can grow stronger through this subtle grasping. There is still an "I" that is doing the non-doing, non-practicing, non-seeking!!
Yes, very wise insights, my dear Sister. This is definitely one of the seemingly subtle but oh so obvious forms of bondage to one's individuated sense of spiritual self, eternal witness or soul-cognizance (Jivatman). Are we really doing or experiencing anything real, at all? Do we ever experience true reality? Of course we do, on some level or another, as this is all Ishvara's play, all Nataraja's Sacred Dance.
"I am in enraptured in ecstatic-bliss", "I have awakened to Buddha Nature", "I am enlightened" or even "I am naught but the essence of the undifferentiated Brahman"... Ergo, "I am God". "Eye Am"
By golly, these affirmations are all most certainly, blatant oxymorons and undeniable remnants of sentient duality. How habituated we have become to our addiction for mental divisions of this and that! Ironically, the allure of observing the Divine Eclipsing, the Unified Field of Being, the exponential bloom of the beatific effulgence of Paramatman unfurled... as the primary object of our subjective perception, which lingers in our sincere devotion towards our cherished Ishta, thus this becomes entrapping (albeit, a very sweet and intoxicating romance).
Aye, even the Holy word of God obscures the Infinite Silence, hidden behind the finite manifestations abounding endlessly. The great saint Sri Ramakrishna Paramahansa, had to slay the image of his beloved Mother Kali, within his own mind, so as to release his attachment to any shred of self and other... as Her Sacred form and his ideas of Her Holiness, were the lingering barriers which kept him teetering on the verge of Nirvikapla Samadhi. This takes titanic determination, unwavering intent and focused detachment. Sigh... such a spiritual giant he was!!! 
We often cling to our conditioned religious perspective. We fixate our attention upon the object of our worship, further maintaining some individuated separation from the merging into the stillness of the Absolute Quietude of Nirvana/Anami/Heavenly Divine Rapture (or whatever label we attribute to the immersion of self into no-self). Hence, even our cherished Sadhana can become the gate which keeps one barred within our dichotomy. Seemingly, we are thus caught within the roundabout of perceptual duality. Tibetan mystic and poet, Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche referred to this phenomenon as "spiritual materialism".
Contemplation reveals that the absence of any individuated state of isolation from the totality, is the quintessence of spiritual awakening. The deconstruction of the isolated persona is the shadow and mirrored reflection of the Godself inherent in all of this and that finite appearance. Self-mesmerism is the transient dreamscape, yet what is the awakening beyond the filmy curtain of the dreamer's fragile mirage? Such queries must by virtue of their nature, remain unsolved mysteries, as the very act of pondering and/or searching, adds to the continuum of conscious-awareness striving at becoming wholly self-realized. Still, we are drawn like moths to the flame and so... around and around we go! Ain't life grand? 
Surely, this is yet another paradoxical hurdle to vault, another human limitation to transcend and ascend beyond the gravity therein. But by who? Who or what survives the extinction of Mego? What then possibly exists, when identification with the material shell, mind fluctuations, personal preferences and emotional make-up vanishes into the emptiness beyond the known? And what of our auric light-bodies, our very spiritual core and our cosmic interconnection with the All-in-All?
I believe that it's clear to all of us, each in our own unique way, that the Internal Witness itself is the indwelling Atmaic soul-center, and remains ever cognizant of being existent (regardless of any type of stimulation or the lack therein). It's really not just as simple as "I think, therefore I am", it goes so much further than this... "I exist therefore I am". Existence blooms of it's own will to be here now, awakening to the perfection of this present moment... and the bubble flows harmoniously with the force of the current.
And until I/me/mine is no longer dominantly present within our conscious-awareness and therefore, limiting experience by some degree... our eternal Spirit is not imprisoned by the gravity of any fixed Mego formation. Stepping fearlessly into the Clear Light of the Void and dissolving into sheer, empty silence. Whose footprints fade away in blissfulness? Leaving self to be dreamed no more. Anatma transcending any and all barriers, distinction or division! This seems the ultimate Moksha, yes?
For oneself is ever aware of being, even if only being itself (as itself), without any thought or external stimulation of any kind. Such a subtle illusion!!! Even our concept of Divine Being is clothed in some degree or another of a reference-point born of some modicum of ego-centrism, as with YHWH's proclamation, "I am that I am". I suspect that we all fathom the underlying universal truth, that Brahman/God/Allah has no sense of individuality, no possibility of conceiving of self and other. Silly wabbits... how we project and anthropomorphize the Supreme.
That being said, even Lord Jesus Christ said, "I and my Father are One." Or more recently, as when Avatar Meher Baba stated that, "I am God". After all, this seems to makes perfect sense, for Union with the Divine is our deepest fusion within the Sacred Heart... as there is but one reality and it is most immanent and forever present, always has been, always will be.
Doesn't it seem that once the physical cocoon is shed, yet another cocoon awaits shedding and then another and still another... add infinitum? This is only natural and we don't need to beat ourselves up about our said selfness. Ours is the journey of releasing all the sheaths and membranes, which separate one identity, form or substantial vortexial center of conscious-awareness, as distinct from any other.
quote:
Thus, now the practice is to see/note as things happen - sensations, seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, feeling and to simply notice the thought process that comes up with it. If not "caught", these subtle thought mechanics hook one in back to grasping. Noticing how in the immediacy of the experience of say, walking, the mind interprets it as "I am walking", or "I am listening/seeing/talking".. Noticing the mind's subtle workings is deconstructing it. Deconstructing it is ungrasping. Ungrasping is freedom. Or so it feels at the moment.
Alan Watts had a wonderful statement about this conundrum, "It's like trying not to try." Not holding onto any profound revelation, staggering epiphany, breakthrough-experience or anything or any state of mind... is most challenging for the witness, the I-ness to all of these miraculous realizations or even the everyday, ordinary things.
I feel, whoever I believe myself to be, and I may well be incorrect in perceiving this belief, that in the Big Picture, it matters little what transpires within the impermanent bubble of our mortal dreams. Yet, what a beautiful journey we dream, when we dance about the filmiest of membranes dividing the inside from the outside of this dichotomous drama, enacted before the witness of our own temporary subjectivity. It's blossom is love and it is sweeter than Amrita. True enough... but this too shall pass, eh?
Om Bhuur-Bhuvah Svah. Tat-Savitur-Varennyam. Bhargo Devasya Dhiimahi. Dhiyo Yo Nah Pracodayaat.
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Edited by - Govinda on Mar 26 2014 02:17:24 AM |
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Experientialknowing
USA
263 Posts |
Posted - Mar 26 2014 : 08:31:31 AM
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| MU. |
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mr_anderson
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - Mar 26 2014 : 08:45:39 AM
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quote:
Noticing the mind's subtle workings is deconstructing it. Deconstructing it is ungrasping. Ungrasping is freedom.
Yes, absolutely. I find that there's just a seemingly endless depth to the amount of grasping (and resisting - two sides of the same coin) that can be seen and released.
I think that's why, as per usual, the solution is just to keep one's head down, and keep up practices. The ability to notice the mind's subtle workings (and the noticing of them is the unwinding of them), without identification, is one of the relational abilities that comes with the growing presence of the witness, inner silence, whatever you want to call it.
The deeper the stillness and clarity of awareness becomes, the more grasping/resisting is easily and automatically seen and released.
Every year since I started meditation, if I look back in time, in comparison - the quality of daily experience has become unimaginably better. I sometimes think, how on earth did I live with so much disharmony (grasping/resisting) going on inside me all the time!
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Edited by - mr_anderson on Mar 26 2014 08:46:35 AM |
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kami
USA
921 Posts |
Posted - Mar 26 2014 : 11:24:11 AM
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Thank you all for the comments.
quote:
Originally posted by Govinda
We fixate our attention upon the object of our worship, further maintaining some individuated separation from the merging into the stillness of the Absolute Quietude of Nirvana/Anami/Heavenly Divine Rapture (or whatever label we attribute to the immersion of self into no-self). Hence, even our cherished Sadhana can become the gate which keeps one barred within our dichotomy. Seemingly, we are thus caught within the roundabout of perceptual duality. Tibetan mystic and poet, Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche referred to this phenomenon as "spiritual materialism".
And until I/me/mine is no longer dominantly present within our conscious-awareness and therefore, limiting experience by some degree... our eternal Spirit is not imprisoned by the gravity of any fixed Mego formation. Stepping fearlessly into the Clear Light of the Void and dissolving into sheer, empty silence. Whose footprints fade away in blissfulness? Leaving self to be dreamed no more. Anatma transcending any and all barriers, distinction or division! This seems the ultimate Moksha, yes?
Doesn't it seem that once the physical cocoon is shed, yet another cocoon awaits shedding and then another and still another... add infinitum? This is only natural and we don't need to beat ourselves up about our said selfness. Ours is the journey of releasing all the sheaths and membranes, which separate one identity, form or substantial vortexial center of conscious-awareness, as distinct from any other.
Alan Watts had a wonderful statement about this conundrum, "It's like trying not to try." Not holding onto any profound revelation, staggering epiphany, breakthrough-experience or anything or any state of mind... is most challenging for the witness, the I-ness to all of these miraculous realizations or even the everyday, ordinary things.
Thank you dear Govinda, for that exquisite write-up. I had almost forgotten about Chogyam Trungpa's phenomenal book. It should be mandatory reading for everyone on the spiritual path, IMHO. Really cuts through the layers of self-deception in the name of spirituality.
The fundamental hurdle to seeing the Truth is the veiling of the mind. The mind, by definition, is split between the parts that think and the parts that interpret/compare/comment/infer. Somehow, this mind (which cannot be located anywhere) seems to happen in the "me". In reality, however, the "me" is merely a thought created by the mind and further propagated by more thoughts/inferences/interpretations/etc. The "me" is no different than the mind. Yet, we go through lifetimes servicing this "me", which in reality does not exist as anything but a thought.
It is exactly as you say - keeping the object of focus "out there" simply serves to perpetuate this sense of "me", no matter what type of austerities we go through and what kind of mystical experiences we have; simply because the basic issue has not been addressed. And thus, in retrospect, most of what I have shared about letting go/surrendering is not applicable anymore. The concept of the Ishta must and does necessarily evolve as the "me" is seen through. Surrendering to whom? Nobody "out there" or "in here", see? Surrendering takes on a new and fresh approach - of simply relaxing and in a very subtle, swift (often unpurposeful) samyama-like easing away of the "I" from thoughts/actions/feelings. Now I see that it is simply not possible to "surrender" or let go of anything as long as the mind is split into "I" versus "not I". It does not matter what we are trying to surrender or let go of - it can be (and often is) just another form of self-deception. Of course, we start from where we are, and it goes from there. And all this is in retrospect only.
Love that quote by Alan Watts, and it resonates here. The initial "awakening", when it starts becoming integrated into life, was strongly grasped at. It was efforting into staying awake! And my, this grasping was so powerful, the "I" sneaking in so stealthily, it is quite comical. However, these things unfold in their own way - the grasping was not even questioned until it became evident. The night before this topic post, there was such sadness to see karmic tendencies continue.. That night, I wrote to a friend describing this sadness, of the longing to be free from it all. Quite mysteriously, I was led to read the Bahiya Sutta before falling asleep, which, although I had read before, had not clicked:
In the seen, there is only the seen,
in the heard, there is only the heard,
in the sensed, there is only the sensed,
in the cognized, there is only the cognized.
Thus you should see that
indeed there is no thing here;
this, Bahiya, is how you should train yourself.
Since, Bahiya, there is for you
in the seen, only the seen,
in the heard, only the heard,
in the sensed, only the sensed,
in the cognized, only the cognized,
and you see that there is no thing here,
you will therefore see that
indeed there is no thing there.
As you see that there is no thing there,
you will see that
you are therefore located neither in the world of this,
nor in the world of that,
nor in any place
betwixt the two.
This alone is the end of suffering.
The next morning I woke up and the sadness was gone. In its absence, the root of all of it was seen - grasping. In a moment of clarity, no "me" or "Me".
Thank you also for the Gayatri mantra - I owe you the recording; next on my list.
Love and hugs to you.
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kami
USA
921 Posts |
Posted - Mar 26 2014 : 11:29:35 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by mr_anderson
I think that's why, as per usual, the solution is just to keep one's head down, and keep up practices. The ability to notice the mind's subtle workings (and the noticing of them is the unwinding of them), without identification, is one of the relational abilities that comes with the growing presence of the witness, inner silence, whatever you want to call it.
Very true Josh! This cannot be forced; a year ago, none of this would have been seen with clarity here or even made too much sense. Continuing to cultivate the silence is important. Nothing new is ever added in Jnana, isn't it? Just that all the ways it is prevented from seeing are broken down.
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kami
USA
921 Posts |
Posted - Apr 01 2014 : 1:18:58 PM
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Compassion vs. pity
Needed a life lesson in understanding compassion, pity and horror (which seem to be confused for each other quite often) and the thing that differentiates them - grasping, of course..
A while ago, I came across a first-person narration of a young woman who was sucked into human trafficking and slavery as a child. While this didn't come as news, something shifted and opened to where the pain was unbearable. For several weeks I could not sleep, and was on the verge of tears most of the day every day, even while being aware of where this was coming from. The horror of it was unthinkable, since I have children that age. To escape the pain, I explored the avenues of how I could help, talking to people from various organizations and friends in the area of philanthropy and helping children. Finally, out of sheer exhaustion, I stopped discussing it, instead taking the focus within to the felt-sense of the pain.
And there it was - the root cause of the horror/pain was the "I" ness in the form of "what if it was my child" rolled up messily amidst the tangle of emotions. It was horror masking pity. Only when the knot was undone and the "I" ungrasped that true compassion flowed. Lacking the "me and the other" and untainted by imagined horrors, it was a quiet opening of the heart. The effort to "do something about it" was surrendered along with the "I" ness, and instead arose the faith that I will be used in whatever way needed for these beautiful children whenever it was needed; I could stop being so righteous about it. The desire to be of service was noted, and released.
In this valuable lesson, I have come to see how pity often masquerades as compassion. Pity arises from arrogance, which in turn arises from being a "me" and therefore there is a "not me" that suffers. In pity, there is a subtle underlying sense of "I have it better than you/him/her, and would never want to be in that position". Horror, which accompanies pity, arises out of fear and anxiety, with, "it could have been me or my child/family/friend, God forbid." In reality then, the concern in both pity and horror are for the "me", which is what happens when someone leaves/dies/etc.. We cry and bemoan the loss primarily because of how that affects the "me".. Additionally, both pity and horror are based on the strong polarities of right/wrong and attachment/aversion.
Compassion, on the other hand, arises from humility and surrendering of the "me" (and therefore of the "not me"). There are no projections of what it might be like to be you/him/her.. and while the heart opens and aches to alleviate the suffering, it is devoid of the strong polarities of judgment. In active surrender of the "me", opportunities to be of service arise, without efforting of the me. The service and the fruits of such a call are also let go of, in the continuous intent of un-grasping.
It is interesting to see how much this comes up in daily life. We can call it empathy, but if we can look honestly and clearly, it is often not what we make it out to be. Fairly frequently, what we call empathy is merely a projection of what the "me" might feel/think in the place of the "other". The heart remains closed in this subtle judgment, even while bathed in superfluous goodwill. True empathy also arises only when the I is ungrasped and the suffering felt by someone becomes mine, not as a "taking on of their stuff", but a subtle shift of understanding that we are exactly the same - all suffering comes only from being identified as the "me". Thus, I'm no better than anyone else. In the empathy that arises from clarity of this knowing I can say earnestly, "Oh yes, I know this suffering."
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Anima
484 Posts |
Posted - May 18 2014 : 8:34:05 PM
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Thank you for this post on compassion vs pity!
quote:
originally posted by Kami
It is interesting to see how much this comes up in daily life. We can call it empathy, but if we can look honestly and clearly, it is often not what we make it out to be. Fairly frequently, what we call empathy is merely a projection of what the "me" might feel/think in the place of the "other". The heart remains closed in this subtle judgment, even while bathed in superfluous goodwill. True empathy also arises only when the I is ungrasped and the suffering felt by someone becomes mine, not as a "taking on of their stuff", but a subtle shift of understanding that we are exactly the same - all suffering comes only from being identified as the "me". Thus, I'm no better than anyone else. In the empathy that arises from clarity of this knowing I can say earnestly, "Oh yes, I know this suffering."
I've struggled with this lesson. I've viewed empathy like this for some time: as ego projection and vain attachment to existence (and ultimately, suffering). Specifically, I've struggled recently at work. People expect me to apologize for things that happen. Someone tells me that their relative died. I don't apologize. Who am I to deny the Lord's gifts, or anything? To deny unity through myself, through subtle judgment that I know what should and shouldn't happen to us on our path. I don't understand karma. I understand our suffering. But I'm not myself at work, and that's my doing. I'm trying to surrender my detachment as well, my attachment to being uncompromisingly honest, and everything in due measure.
Love Happiness Abundance |
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NoDogma
USA
123 Posts |
Posted - May 18 2014 : 9:36:07 PM
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The problem was not that I was better than others. It rather was that others portrayed themselves as better than me :-)
** just kidding**
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Un-grasping
