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Anima
484 Posts |
 Posted - Feb 23 2014 : 6:11:23 PM
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Hi
Ive been lonely and feel sad. I have no idea what I am.
Why is everyone around me incensed? Why cant people understand what Im talking about? Why do I always hurt my own feelings?
Why am I mean to myself? How can I stop? Will I alienate everyone?
I want to sing freely, but people dont like it. They think words empty, so true. But how else can I express my experience, other than right action? If words are empty, why have they come upon me? Why are they different for me? 
I dont mean to be arrogant or grandstand. Ive felt so many horrible things.
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Sparkle
Ireland
1457 Posts |
Posted - Feb 23 2014 : 7:15:05 PM
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Hi Anima Deorum
Very sorry to hear about how you are feeling. Loneliness is very painful and I'm not sure if it's any help to know that there are many here who have and do experience this kind of loneliness, you have friends here.
Wondering if this has been going on for long and wondering how long the periods of loneliness last. Are there things in your life that nourish you, simple things that you maybe can really come into the moment with and allow to help open your heart a little.
Wondering too about your practices and whether you might be overdoing it and getting some overload, or indeed if you have let the practices go it may be a good idea to restart a regular routine.
It feels like I am fishing in the dark here but I was moved by your post and thought I would say a few words.
All the best for now 
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parvati9
USA
587 Posts |
Posted - Feb 23 2014 : 11:53:35 PM
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Hi Tom
I think you need to spend a lot of your free time being creative, and manage a way that doesn't irritate the people around you .. either that or just be content and grateful for time spent alone. It's a very strong need. Some of us must continually find a means of self expression. We have to love that quality in ourselves. As it is a gift. I say 'we' because there are a great many people with this compulsion to be almost continuously creative. So if it's true for you too, you're definitely not alone. I like to sling paint and sing. It doesn't matter much that I don't paint or sing well. All that matters is that it makes me happy  . I sing to my cats (poor cats).. I try to sing softly when around others and with more gusto when there's no one who might be bothered by it. Works for me. And my painting is showing some small indications of improvement.. the singing however is pretty bad, but I seem to be enjoying it more than ever. Which is good, don't you agree 
love 
parvati |
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
Posted - Feb 24 2014 : 10:25:46 AM
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I'm going to recommend a hearty regimen of Walt Whitman's Song of Myself: http://www.bartleby.com/142/14.html
Here's an excerpt:
The spotted hawk swoops by and accuses me—he complains of my gab and my loitering.
I too am not a bit tamed—I too am untranslatable;
I sound my barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world.
The last scud of day holds back for me;
It flings my likeness after the rest, and true as any, on the shadow’d wilds;
It coaxes me to the vapor and the dusk.
I depart as air—I shake my white locks at the runaway sun;
I effuse my flesh in eddies, and drift it in lacy jags.
I bequeathe myself to the dirt, to grow from the grass I love;
If you want me again, look for me under your boot-soles.
You will hardly know who I am, or what I mean;
But I shall be good health to you nevertheless,
And filter and fibre your blood.
Failing to fetch me at first, keep encouraged;
Missing me one place, search another;
I stop somewhere, waiting for you.
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Anima
484 Posts |
Posted - Feb 24 2014 : 4:58:28 PM
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Hi my dear friends.
Thank you so much. I rested and spent the night in quiet contemplation, writing and speaking with my Ishta. I feel better and spent time having tea with a friend this morning and helping another.
I was having a discussion of one and many with my vedanta teacher in class. I am speaking more openly, but I try not to be callous about the others' sensitivities. I think I may have upset him. He openly shared that he may have a thought... that I think I know more than him, but that such a thought would itself be dualistic. He said we know nothing of sublime unity. I said that if we can speak of it, we know something of it, though imperfectly. I guess that's an open question.
After class I shared my conviction that ananda breathes into all living things, and that it is true in us. He agreed and mentioned maya. The veils of which the philosophers spoke and which thwarted their empty concepts.
But concepts and words are just like vessels, neither innately empty nor full. They can be broken and put together. They can be expressions full of joy or weapons devoid of substance. Containers.
I know my experience keeps unfolding, and that it is true.
@Sparkle, thank you Fishing in the dark is how I feel with every question I ask. I guess that's ultimately okay. I do meditate, informally, as a matter of instinct. I have not used mantras lately, as they are too strong.
@Parvati9, yes, you are so right. And I agree, your singing must be beautiful, I can tell! I would love to see one of your paintings.
@Bodhi, yes, fantastic. Thanks for the gentle push. Ive been looking for this one, and I love it. Thanks.
I will continue to favor stability and integration, and to give myself what I need.
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