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Chaz
USA
129 Posts |
 Posted - Feb 16 2014 : 10:53:13 PM
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Good God I am at a loss of words for what occurred to me last night. It was the most bizarre experience I've ever had in my entire life... And I really need to talk about it with people who might understand what the hell happened. It was a terrifying and beautiful experience. It was brought on by consuming a cannabis edible followed by a very high dose of psilocybin mushrooms. Now before I get far into the story, I'd like to not focus too much on the fact that substances were a stimulus here, and instead focus on the experience produced, no matter how distorted or valid one may believe it to be. But I digress. It's story time.
Now, some here may probably already know that I've been heavily experimenting with hallucinogens in the spirit of psychonautic exploration and inquiry. I have found much benefit in this, but I was also beginning to realize I was seeking to have a certain experience through these substances, an experience I felt I needed but wasn't sure what that was. Over time though I was beginning to think that these tools would not take me there, because despite the mostly positive and happy trips I was having I wasn't really walking away with as much as I wanted too. Well this time, I walked away with more than I bargained for, and never again will I take these experiences and the lessons they bring for granted.
It started when my friend called me up saying she felt like she needed a good mushroom trip since it had been so long for her and she thought it would be beneficial to her. I didn't quite have the urge to really go on another mushroom journey as my last one was a week prior, but things were working in strange ways, almost like a deliverance of fate, and before I knew it I was eating a tasty gummi bear followed by the mushrooms. I did not make much of an effort for it to happen, it kind of just fell into place and I had a hunch this was meant to be. Then things got strange.
Within about 30 mins I'm realizing I'm tripping the hardest I ever had before, and something just wasn't quite feeling right. So me and my friend get to my house and I'm starting to feel uncomfortable, as if I'm entering some dark and scary dimension, and this negative energy starts to come over me. At this point fear is arising, and I don't want to believe that this might be my first really bad experience, so I try to relax and put my mind at ease, focus on good vibes, yada yada. But it was like this darkness was pulling me in and I could not find any immediate way out. That's when I started hearing these voices, and they scared the living sh*t out of me. They were speaking in a language that I could not understand, a very harsh and dark sounding language with sharp syllables. The tones of their voices simultaneously had a high pitched yelling and a low deep booming to it. THEN, not only am I hearing them, I start seeing them. Visions of horrifying morphing geometric energy devils. They seemed very angry and hostile towards me. I was starting to believe that I had at some point, maybe even here at AYP, pissed off some very dark and powerful forces and now they were trying to punish and consume me. In another deep booming demonic sounding voice I heard the phrase "Evil is here" and it kept repeating itself.
So now I'm almost sure a demon was attacking me, and I grab Autobiography of a Yogi and desperately search the index for Psychic Protection, inwardly petitioning Yogananda to help me through this. Of course in my mind state it was impossible to read, so I hand the book to my friend and ask her to find it for me. By now she's aware I'm having a bad time, and offers to comfort me however she can, but I was completely inconsolable, all I felt was complete despair and hopelessness. She tells me that she couldn't find psychic protection and at that point I think I'm done for, completely vulnerable to these dark malevolent forces. Then my friend says "I found prayers though." And that's when a little voice said inside my head;
"Did you forget you are a child of God? Do not be weak for you are strong."
The dark beings were still terrorizing me, and with intense fervor I desperately called out to God in every way I possibly could. Every mantra, every prayer I knew, all the saints that I learned about, every name and form of God I could think of. The most strangest thing happened. I completely lost control of my body and was beginning to enter into some sort of trance. I was completely conscious and aware of what was going on but had absolutely no control. My eyes started rolling back and doing sambhavi, and very powerful surges of energy started rushing through me. My arms and legs felt like they were going to burst, and I started shaking, jerking, and vibrating very intensely and uncontrollably. I'm also completely aware of what my friend is thinking and she's extremely freaked out. My breathing starts going crazy, panting uncontrollably and then suddenly completely stoping with all air expelled. As this is happening I'm losing myself and coming back to myself, and I start feeling intense bliss and ecstasy, smiling uncontrollably. Then the energy peaks and rushes to my head and I have the sense that I'm leaving my body. I'm pretty sure I fell back and hit my head. Then this beautiful light and stillness took over, complete bliss and ecstasy, unity. I felt myself beginning to merge with the Absolute One. At this point I'm in deep surrender to what's happening, and then there is this subtle idea that my consciousness might leave my body behind to die and stay here forever... And I was okay with that. I guess that thought snapped me back into my body, as I was able to regain bodily awareness and somewhat control of it, and in fragments begin to explain to my friend that what was happening was okay.
She was scared to death, because what was happening had a physical effect on her as well to which she felt that I had some sort of power or control over the things that were happening and she asked me to stop. I was still in a trance like state and automatically without thinking I responded "I'm not doing anything. She's here." So then my friend asks who is she and I say God. God is real and She has full control, I'm not doing anything.
Words can't describe the drastic shift in experience at that point. The presence in the room literally lit up and was full of joy and love. It felt like I was at a higher frequency way beyond what I could imagine, and even my friend could feel it and was blown away. I felt like I was being visited by Jesus, Yogananda, Ramakrishna, Anandamayi Ma, and so many other saints, I felt their consciousness alive in me, I was one with them. My sense of Chaz was gone, and a higher understanding dawned on me. Words of such love and wisdom way beyond my minds comprehension started pouring out of me. Answers were spontaneously arising from a place of truth. I began to have intuitive flashes about many things. I saw myself in the future, living as my heart has always dreamed, I felt insight and compassion towards where I was at in my life and why this drifting is necessary right now, I saw clearly what my mission in life was, and God's higher plan. It was like a light switch went on and everything started making sense. A higher power was literally speaking through me, and my friend took the liberty to ask many questions which seemed to answer themselves through me without any mental analysis. Love was pouring out of every cell in my body, and I heard a voice again, this time saying "evil evaporates" and oddly enough my body felt like it was getting ready to evaporate as well, or dissolve into infinity. I literally felt the consciousness of the masters manifest in me, and it was beyond imagination. I felt the need to give a powerful transmission of love to my friend, and she felt it intensely. She said she believed everything now, all the things about God, yoga, and kundalini. She witnessed the entire thing and was just as blown away as I was. I felt completely purged, a lightness that I never felt before. It felt like so many of my problems were dissolved through this experience.
So, I still am like wtf did that really happen? I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't have someone to witness it. Now I feel that my use of these substances has fulfilled it's purpose, and I should not take it for granted. Rather what needs to be done is I need to focus on more permanent awakening... God what I would do to live and operate in that frequency forever... It was so beautiful and beyond the scope of the mind... I felt a deep sadness as my sense of Chaz started to settle back in. But I also felt so blessed and an immense amount of gratitude came over me. This terrifying experience pushed me into the light like never before, and now I've got my eyes set on new vistas.
As clarity struck me it became obvious that I was not being attacked. I realized what happened was not surprisingly something that I've discussed here before, and it's interesting to see in hindsight how things were leading up to this, and the subtle hints from the universe that foreshadowed this. I believe this was a very much needed integration process, endarkenment. These demonic beings were unconscious aspects of myself that I've battled with and tried to suppress for so long, that did not see the light of my love and awareness. By being in a state where I could not avoid them, I was inevitably forced to face them, and ultimately make peace with them. They were angels in disguise, parts of me begging to be included back into the whole, manifesting as horrifying forms as an expression of the lack of love and awareness they were receiving, instead being fed fear and anger. By making peace with them, love was allowed to flow more freely, and I became more whole.
So now where does this lead me? I'm not quite sure. I think I need lots of meditation to help me digest the experience now. I just really hope I never have an episode like that in public, and I can't say I'm not slightly worried that might happen. It was a great blessing that my episode was surprisingly undisturbed last night despite quite a lot of commotion. I don't want to imagine what would have happened if someone called an ambulance... 
Eh... bizarre. So many weird things happen on this path. Gotta take them in stride.
Well thanks for reading. I felt it necessary to share this story because no one else around me would understand what I went through. Definitely never experienced anything like this before.
Much Love,
Chaz |
Edited by - Chaz on Feb 17 2014 12:09:14 AM |
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Mykal K
Germany
267 Posts |
Posted - Feb 17 2014 : 03:41:37 AM
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 Thank you for sharing. |
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orangesky
Germany
39 Posts |
Posted - Feb 17 2014 : 06:03:16 AM
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Hey Chaz,
that was a great story. And strange how drastic your experience shifted from one of hellish torture to one where you feel the love of so many saints and the love of god. That was some effective praying  |
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Holy
796 Posts |
Posted - Feb 17 2014 : 08:58:14 AM
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Hi Chaz,
welcome back :D
A funny story and be sure, what you have experienced so many have. It is a classic. but only few get the same intense motivation and insight to go for the permanent, because most do not have a spiritual practice backround to see that it is indeed possible. Latest when you see some living naturally like that it is over for you. What remains is practice happening day by day :D
Btw, most of those negative effects do happen due to all the sh*tty sidesubstances. As far as I can get, you have ingested these stuffs as they were which is the worst one can do. Classic result is first hell, then heaven, then the left over residue from the stinky sidestuff which takes about several weaks to months to fully clear out through spiritual practices.
And one more thing, the shroomic and weedic collective mind is filled with lots of horror, panic and fear because of those who are feeding this collective day by day. And what they themselves do not know, is that most of that collective bad feeding happens due to the sidesubstances which are intensly unhealthy for the body-mind.
If by luck (grace) and or spiritual practices before hand you can cross this gigantic collective barrier, then you can glimpse the nice part :) But yeah, the nice part can be much more easily glimpsed if the main substances are extracted out first. And still you will somehow pass the collective, but the overall residue afterwards will be much less and can be cleared out in some days.
Still, the best and only best variant is:quote:
Now I feel that my use of these substances has fulfilled it's purpose, and I should not take it for granted. Rather what needs to be done is I need to focus on more permanent awakening...
Peace! :) |
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Anima
484 Posts |
Posted - Feb 19 2014 : 11:00:36 AM
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Awesome, Chaz. Sounds like a breakthrough of sorts. A very positive one. May I chime in?
I hear it, too.
The great Usurper once said:
“I win. The darkness is rising to embrace you.”
And the captive Sorceress replied:
“The dark can embrace the light, but never eclipse it.”
And so it is that light and dark are a play of colored chords. Those who see through shattered lens hear their many turns. Like Odysseus. Of all the heroes in the epic battle of men and gods, he alone returned. What did he rely on, but his faith, wits, and dear companions?
I saw Her.
I don’t know what was in the vaporizer. We had spent the day on the enchanted canals of Amsterdam. It was the third day of my visit to the city, just having come from Brussels. After a breakfast of fresh and mellow mushrooms, we lounged outside in the summer air, clouded as it was by our smoky revelry. The trip had proved pleasant and charming. Toward evening, one in our misfit company led us through the Red Light District. Beautiful girls danced in the lighted windows. We ventured into another café. Just me and a couple guys from Chicago, and a Brit, who grabbed his stash to put in the device. It loomed ominously over the bar, reflecting invitingly into the mirrored paneling and stacked glasses. We passed it around.
Two hits in, and it began, gently at first. Shining rays pressed into my face and head, refracting through the sparkles of light around me. They sang a faintly ringing melody, growing more insistent. Third time’s a charm. I took one more draw. And I was assailed.
“Guys, I don’t feel good,” said one, immediately after his third. We stood up instinctively. Somehow, the tall and gangly, and somewhat creepy Brit had gotten halfway across the bar, and was lurching our way. He fell headfirst over a wooden table and chair. We absconded cravenly into the warm night.
I do not recall anything of my midnight walk through the streets and alleys. I encountered the baleful façade of the hostel, which appeared as a grotesque enjambment. I sensed that I had dreamed of finding it shortly before that moment. I entered, and considered waking the slumbering attendant, but decided instead to “sleep it off.”
I lay on the bottom bunk in a dormitory with fifty other travelers. I looked up at the motley, painted ceiling. There She was.
Enormous, an inhuman arachnid, shadowed in the center. Her limbs moved seamlessly with the patterns of color all around and upon Her, which themselves blended into one another. I heard Her invertebrate language, without syntax or description. It breathed. I was not afraid. But I couldn’t stay in Her web.
So I took the next train to Berlin.
…Durga…
Go forward, young warrior.
Her boon is all around you.
She is here and beyond.
Do not look far away.
Feel Her majesty.
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Edited by - Anima on Feb 19 2014 12:26:09 PM |
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Chaz
USA
129 Posts |
Posted - Feb 19 2014 : 5:49:43 PM
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Wow that was a great post Anima. Very poetically written. I throroughly enjoyed reading it.
Holy, thanks for the tip on the collective minds these substances put the user in touch with. Although I kind of knew there was a collective mind from all the experiences these substances have produced, I was not aware how they would effect me. I would like to know more about the residue you speak of a little more specifically. Just to sort of gauge the effect it may have on me.
As an update to where I am now, I literally feel like a very different person. There was a little mourning at first because my sense of who I am was so radically shaken up. But it's good I know, it's just overwhelming when who you were comfortable being now feels absent and very abruptly so... Ahh but this is also so freeing. A new slate is before me.
I can't ****ing get a good nights sleep anymore and it's crazy annoying. Literally every night since kundalini took it up a notch has not been a full nights sleep. I will wake up after two to three hours feeling uncomfortably hyperactive and there is this restless energy going on. I find myself tossing and turning a lot, and if I do fall back asleep I wake up an hour later. It is to say the least, quite frustrating. But my dreams have been interesting.
The desire to smoke or use any substance really turns me off right now. I'm not making claims that I've permanently given up these substances in order to avoid unnecessary guilt and inner conflict in case it will not always be this way, but it does feel like I'm done for good, and I feel a lot of motivation to continue staying clean and sober in favor of all the pure fun and joy practices can bring. It's been a good four days or so since and I had edibles in my possession but have not wanted to touch them, so I gave them away. I smoked the morning after the experience, and the physical effects felt extremely dirty and uncomfortable and definitely not nearly as enjoyable as before. So I've really no desire to come back to these things and am hoping it continues like that.
My energy right now is out of this world. It's driving me nuts. So much is bubbling up inside of me idk how to even contain it. Lots of love, energy, and tooooooonnnnnsssssss of inspiration. I mean I have been non stop talking about God, spirituality, meditation, yoga, etc etc. Can't seem to get my mind off of it at all and there's an incredibly strong urge to express these feelings to others and share as much as I can with them. I feel so creatively inspired it's blowing my mind what's pouring out of me still. And the sensual intimacy I feel with kundalini has increased tripple fold! I'm beginning to expect some inner orgasms soon. 
Now when I do spinal breathing, a light dawns on me. Then flashes of colors. There is definitely a very profound and pronounced feeling of entering that inner space now, and I'm finding it's easy to lose sense of my body during sitting practice. Meditation is VERY deep, I mean very very deep. I'm seeing visions of light manifesting... They aren't quite clear yet but they're there. Forms of light dance around in this stillness. It's very hard to describe. And now the procedure of samyama is so much more effectively done, I can easily rest and release into stillness with very little bother from my mind. It's incredible...
My longing for God, it's driving me beautifully mad. I prayed to Divine Mother a night ago and began tearing up from the longing I felt. It almost doesn't seem fair... I NEED Her, why must she still be hidden from my inner gaze? If I talk about it like that I might start tearing up now... So I'll move on.
I've become a dreamer to the first degree, not that I wasn't before but now I just can't stop dreaming big. My hearts dreams are now dreams of service, I can see myself living life fully exactly how I want to and being in full service at the same time. So I've also been praying for Divine Mother to manifest this vision She has implanted in my heart. I feel like there is work to be done, there is a mission that needs to be set out and accomplished by me. I feel like I'm my own revolution and now I need to start living it out as a part of a greater destiny with many others who will be warriors of Love and Truth in this dawning new age. I continuously offer my mind and body to Divine Mother to play her beautiful music of Love, harmony, and peace. It feels like heaven on earth is within sight, and my duty is to be one of many bridges connecting our world with the realm of the divine. It's all so crazy right now, but I've fastened my seat belt for the ride and am eagerly awaiting the journey ahead... And God I feel such a connection with all of you as my spiritual family... We're doing it all together and it's amazing and beautiful and absolutely awe inspiring.
sh*t is crazy right now, I can't even imagine what awaits. 
Much Love,
Chaz |
Edited by - Chaz on Feb 19 2014 7:28:12 PM |
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BillinL.A.
USA
375 Posts |
Posted - Feb 19 2014 : 8:04:28 PM
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Thank you Chaz for expressing your ecstatic divine adventure so sincerely that it crushes my stubborn ignorance...at least a little of it.
Thanks for sharing your love!!! |
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Anima
484 Posts |
Posted - Feb 20 2014 : 2:36:14 PM
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Holy
796 Posts |
Posted - Feb 25 2014 : 7:27:43 PM
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quote:
I would like to know more about the residue you speak of a little more specifically. Just to sort of gauge the effect it may have on me.
Hi Chaz, I'm sure you know what it is. It is the left over side effect of any substance intake that will influence body-mind, subtle perceptions, daily practices and also daily life.
Examples, lets say you have not taken any substances for quite some time, then you do. You have your trip, back to baseline. Then suddenly you get injured, like a small cut, you come into a situation where someone is unhappy with you, you feel these clogged down feelings in the chest. Luck is not on your side, or more and pretty unusual unlucky things happen. You cannot perceive the bliss and joy anymore, nor do you care. A lot of things get shut off. If you hav ever experienced one or several of these, to my experience they are all the after effects of such substance intakes. These side effects do stay shorter and are less prnounced when e.g. the substance was quite pure, extracted and without the other stuff that make your stomach (ingestion) and chest (smoke, inhalation) feel unhappy right from the beginning.
Before having started with spiritual practice these residual after effects were not really clear here aswell. After having started it became very intensly obvious, the sitting practice after such a trip directly starts to purify these leftover stuff. Depending on the session intensity, the practice kind etc. you can even see cause and effect directly of the substance, what it did, what it would continue to do if it would not be dissolved, for how long etc. (SBP is of that kind). Good thing is, while this is seen, that stuff is already released and transformed. Some sitting sessions can purify most of the sideffects, but those which are of a physical type, aka not the collective residue but especially those unhealthy side substances (in funghis you have lots of them, also with mj you never know how clean that stuff is besides the resin that cloggs down the chest and the subtle nadi flow), they remain for quite some time in the system.
Being young with a faster metabolism the whole purification process takes less days, so especially in the younger years people often do not notice much for too long or even nothing at all. Also if you are physically active, have your hobbies, do fitness etc., then the phases of left over effects will be much much shorter.
But yeah, living lazily at home, consuming this stuff for quite some time, doing no pranic, nor mantric, no awarness work, then the samyama list here may be the last resort of help *ggg* Or going to someone realized as always :)
In your case I do not see any problems at all, no problem, all these experiences are needed, helpful, they must happen and do, as you see :D They all happened here aswell :P Learning by experiencing (=
In summary to this post, if you address physical activity with subtle activity, aka pranayama, meditation etc., then you can go through the experimental phase with much less pain, suffering and much more smoothness, peace and grace.
Peace friend, sounds all good :) |
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Strange and Powerful Kundalini Episode
