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kami
USA
921 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 09 2014 : 1:48:52 PM
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Recently, some challenges have cropped up in my life - incurable and progressive disease in a beloved family member that unmasks dysfunctional family dynamics and most importantly, my own response to it all.
As my life got caught up in the whirlwind, I was equally caught up in "giving it all up" to my Ishta. But the more I tried "giving", the more frustration I found welling up in my sheer inability to do so. So, a few days ago, I stopped the mental/emotional effort and began to allow my restlessness and pain to unfold. Yesterday during evening puja, my intention shifted - instead of trying to give, there was a plea for my Ishta to take, for me to receive and for willingness to be shaped as needed. And this morning, I woke up with a significant reduction in restlessness, not knowing what had changed. On my very long drive into work, I played one of my favorite chants, the Sri Suktham, a Vedic hymn to Shakti in the form of Lakshmi. My whole being racked in sobs as the chant began, bursting the dam that had held so much in - much needed release as I felt nurtured and comforted by the mother of beauty and abundance.
And with the release, a revelation - to think "I" give or surrender to the Divine is just more ego nonsense. In any transaction, the giver is inherently at a slightly higher place (from a transactional standpoint). And so it is that with surrendering or "giving" my problems to God, I unconsciously place myself at a higher place. Grace flows in a downward direction - hence, there is little scope for Grace when I place myself higher. The thought of "I am giving" serves to makes me more tightly bound to the separate self. On the other hand, if all I do is ask for my Ishta to take it/me, the onus is on Him/Her - it is no longer "my" action or intent or thought.
If all is Him, including my problems, it is His to take, not mine to give - thus, there is no discordance and no subconscious conflict (which, in my experience, only serves to compound all purification processes). One thing that practices have done for me is sensitization to internal conflict/discordance - it is just not allowed. Intent, thought, action - all must be perfectly aligned. Not aligning causes significant vata/pitta imbalance that is noticeable in body and mind.
As the tears flowed, I saw how this is the perfect opportunity for me to serve my family in this hour of need - for years, my daily prayer has been for the Lord to make me His instrument of service. And when He did, this little ego self could not see it!
When humility does not happen on its own, a powerful blow is needed, as I discovered first hand.
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Edited by - kami on Jan 09 2014 1:49:53 PM |
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jonesboy
USA
594 Posts |
Posted - Jan 09 2014 : 4:24:32 PM
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Kami,
I am so sorry for the difficulties that you are going through right now. 
Thank you so very much for this hard earned wisdom.
Much love,
Tom |
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Sparkle
Ireland
1457 Posts |
Posted - Jan 09 2014 : 5:31:32 PM
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Hi kami
Sorry to hear about your family member being ill.
Strangely, I have being going through a not dis-similar process with Ishta.
Although, thankfully there is no one ill at the moment I became aware of myself being aloof from family members in terms of caring for them in simple ways. Being honest about it, a family member also pointed this out to me too.
Just where I am at in investigating "unknowing" in relation to Ishta and also in work I am doing with inner shame, it came home to me at a new level about how holding an Ishta "above me" and relating to them like this as a superior being or presence, is the same as me being aloof or superior to those around me - who don't have this in their lives. This may not appear logical but it is the effect it has on me.
In resting more with "not knowing" and seeing my Ishta as being the same as me, not above or below, I came to the understanding of what appeared like a sangha with the members being that of my family and friends and equally my Ishtas and other beings and presences in whatever form they may be.
Of course it all makes sense when we talk of oneness and non self, but for me, this was just dropping into a deeper embodiment of it that allowed me to, not only be with family and friends but feel drawn to being with them and supporting them in whatever way they want, and that is new for me.
Maybe it's not quite the same but it seems to be along the same lines.
Hope it's ok to share here
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Edited by - Sparkle on Jan 09 2014 5:32:20 PM |
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
Posted - Jan 09 2014 : 6:14:44 PM
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...Praying for you during these rocky times and admiring your movement towards service, even amidst the struggle...
I ask for divine help all the time, even when things are mostly alright. Actually, I demand it, vigorously. Using the ego as a vehicle for enlightenment, you know. So, I think your asking for help is a true sign of humility--not ego delusion, in my opinion. Your receptivity and openness are being rewarded.
We're all works in progress. |
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Anima
484 Posts |
Posted - Jan 09 2014 : 6:41:54 PM
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Hi Kami,
I am also praying for the best. Thank you for sharing this. I had similar reflections last night during prayer. I told Him I wanted to give Him something special: nothing expensive or big, just what I need. I will take from Him what I need, and give it to myself. This is the most precious offering I can muster for Him. After all, its what He wants most for me. Whether its giving or taking is semantic: I rejoice in the chance to try, whether the bounds of my existence and consciousness are real or not. We all have this chance!
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kami
USA
921 Posts |
Posted - Jan 09 2014 : 8:45:19 PM
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Thank you dear friends. Appreciate the love and support.
Sparkle - thank you for sharing. Makes total sense and what you are describing has the same feel as what I'm trying to describe. Elaborating this a bit, if that's ok - I don't see my Ishta as being separate from me, but as the perfected Self, my Self. That Self takes on many forms - Krishna, Lakshmi, Kali, Jesus, Babaji.. But they are never "out there".. It is the most intimate thing there is. And thus, the Grace of that perfected Self can only flow "lower" to this being that gets identified as an ego self... Also, I think I know what you are describing wrt not feeling connected to people around me - it presents itself as the lack of intimacy of experience, where I become an island. And this can be even in expanded states, where there is an intuitive connection with everyone but no emotional "oneness".. Time to pull out Insight Dialogue again..
Anima - thank you for the kindness. What I was describing is more than semantics. It has everything to do with the attitudes of surrender and "meekness"..
Jonesboy and Bodhi -
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whippoorwill
USA
450 Posts |
Posted - Jan 09 2014 : 9:48:16 PM
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| Love and strength to you and your family. |
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tonightsthenight
846 Posts |
Posted - Jan 10 2014 : 12:52:32 AM
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| Thank you for sharing Kami. Best wishes to you and fam. |
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AumNaturel
Canada
687 Posts |
Posted - Jan 10 2014 : 08:22:08 AM
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Wishing you the very best for yourself and family, and that the situation no matter how far beyond the ability to change can still reveal the best of outcomes.
Grateful to you for sharing such wonderful inner milestones about give versus take, and that the lessons of humility and true identity as an instrument of the Divine/Great Spirit/Source or however we choose to relate are ever only revealing themselves. If need be, they do so forcefully and perhaps equally in proportion to the efforts in upholding the false as real, of self apart from That.
My family is also enduring difficulties, be it in the ongoing effects of death shadowed in most dire of circumstances, or separation when the call has always been to healing and unity. Anger and pain come up, and I offer them up as Giving. In the resulting space, it is growing self-appreciation for my personal course in flowing with the Way. Coming upon yoga, the multiplicity of paths to healing and union, and shared presence and resonance of those here is a gift that is both worth the sacrifice of time, and completely necessary in a personal sphere. It has no comparison, and cannot be artificially compressed or transposed, making it personal, unique, and worth every effort.
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kami
USA
921 Posts |
Posted - Jan 10 2014 : 10:08:08 AM
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Thank you whippoorwill, TTN and Aum.
"Healing and unity" - those words have an immediate effect of stilling the being in peace. Thank you Aum, and blessings and wishes for you and your family as well.
Just the mere "attitude adjustment" has resulted in restoring the sense of lightness and joyfulness that had become my baseline prior to all this. The burden that had been taken on is off my shoulders. How incredible it is that such lessons are so deeply personal! Give vs. take may not make a difference to someone else, but for my specific matrix of conditioning and bent of mind, "giving" is also seen as an egoic act and hence results in further imbalance. Exactly as you said, Aum - it is personal and unique.
The sense of contraction that comes on when normally joyful and open is like being strangled, like the inability to take a deep breath. How wondrous that our beings respond in such magnificent ways to disciplined practice and Ishwara Pranidhana, one of Patanjali's keys to success in yoga! By surrendering even the intent to "give", the contraction of ego-identification loses its grip. Anger and pain arise, but there isn't such a tight hold on "me".
As life and my inner self unfold simultaneously, sometimes in seemingly opposing directions, I'm coming to see that of all things on the spiritual path, bhakti is the most practitioner-specific - unlike meditative practices, it cannot be taught or learned from another; it is Grace-specific. It takes Grace to experience Grace, to even become willing and malleable to feel it.
One of the biggest areas for discordance is faith or shraddha. We may think our faith is strong; but as long as there is even the slightest worry or anxiety, we can be sure that our faith is shaky. True shraddha is being in the eye of a storm with complete trust in the Self.. Thus, phases of contraction, for me, speak of the need for greater shraddha - to give up "giving", the need to control the "giving" or anything else (challenging for someone who likes being in control  ).
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
Posted - Jan 10 2014 : 10:40:27 AM
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Some fine words from the beloved Parahamsa Yogananda:
Every begging prayer, no matter how sincere, limits the soul. As sons [and daughters*] of God, we must believe that we have everything the Father has. This is our birthright. Jesus realized the truth, "I and my Father are one." That is why he had dominion over everything, even as his Father had. Most of us beg and pray without first establishing, in our own minds, our divine birthright; that is why we are limited by the law of beggary. We do not have to beg, but to reclaim and demand from our Father that which we, through our human imagination, thought to be lost.
*added by Bodhi Tree
Boom! Demand, reclaim, become it!  |
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Anima
484 Posts |
Posted - Jan 10 2014 : 5:19:06 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by kami
As life and my inner self unfold simultaneously, sometimes in seemingly opposing directions, I'm coming to see that of all things on the spiritual path, bhakti is the most practitioner-specific - unlike meditative practices, it cannot be taught or learned from another; it is Grace-specific. It takes Grace to experience Grace, to even become willing and malleable to feel it.
Yes, yes! A touching and true sentiment
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Sparkle
Ireland
1457 Posts |
Posted - Jan 11 2014 : 08:26:01 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by kami
Thank you dear friends. Appreciate the love and support.
Sparkle - thank you for sharing. Makes total sense and what you are describing has the same feel as what I'm trying to describe. Elaborating this a bit, if that's ok - I don't see my Ishta as being separate from me, but as the perfected Self, my Self. That Self takes on many forms - Krishna, Lakshmi, Kali, Jesus, Babaji.. But they are never "out there".. It is the most intimate thing there is. And thus, the Grace of that perfected Self can only flow "lower" to this being that gets identified as an ego self... Also, I think I know what you are describing wrt not feeling connected to people around me - it presents itself as the lack of intimacy of experience, where I become an island. And this can be even in expanded states, where there is an intuitive connection with everyone but no emotional "oneness".. Time to pull out Insight Dialogue again..
Thanks kami, yes I feel that inner intimacy with the divine or my Ishtas which can be experienced also with people and objects, rocks, earth, trees and everything, and yet on the emotional level of connecting with people there can often be a challenge.
It can be tempting to stay in the other sphere of divine other-worldliness and look on with a wry kind of amusement at the game in play, but that's not it - the simple genuine connection with people and the environment is a more elusive connection for me, with (using your phrase from another post) my specific matrix of conditioning and bent of mind.
That's why for me I like the image of the sangha because it brings together the inner divine and the actual simple connection with people in a way that does not elevate or lower either. So there is no perfect Self here to compare with, there is just what is going on in the moment.
I have to say too that this is not there all the time, I'm in and out and up and down and all around the place a lot of the time
That's why it's so important for me to keep up my daily practices.
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Radharani
USA
843 Posts |
Posted - Jan 19 2014 : 7:00:28 PM
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Dear Kami,
I haven't had time to be on here for a while, just saw this post.
Thanks for sharing your experience with us.
God bless you and your family. LOVE to you! |
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pkj
USA
158 Posts |
Posted - Jan 19 2014 : 8:44:09 PM
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Kami
Thanks for sharing. I wish and pray for your family member to feel peace. On the other day i was listening to the "Healing with consiousness" talk and it immediately showed me how the surrender makes any thing possible and shifts from ego to self.
We hope and pray for speedy recovery of your family.
PKJ |
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SeySorciere
Seychelles
1571 Posts |
Posted - Jan 20 2014 : 01:16:52 AM
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Giving...Taking...and receiving...
Taking has an egoistic connotation...receiving, on the other hand, should be done as gracefully as giving.
Much love to you and your family dear Kami
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kami
USA
921 Posts |
Posted - Jan 20 2014 : 08:17:22 AM
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| Thank you all. |
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kami
USA
921 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2014 : 3:34:53 PM
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Working with some deep stuff has brought to light many different things, with growing insights into the process and mechanism of letting go, and letting the Ishta "take" it. It is an ongoing work in progress and for all practical purposes, it feels like the work has just begun.. Chronicling as it comes up..
In the process of letting go or surrendering, the first step is to become aware that there is holding. And this takes courage. Painful issues become repressed for a very good reason - because they are indeed painful. In a situation like this (and from my own personal experience), the arising of non-dual awareness or opening can happen briefly. If, when it passes, the thought that "awakening has happened and there is nothing/nobody here anymore" is falsely believed, the repressed issues will continue to recur, whether one acknowledges it or not. Thus, courage and letting go of any high ideas/thoughts about my "attainment" were necessary for me.
As the inquiry deepens, the core issue is seen. In many instances, it's not that the core issue was not seen before, but all the associated issues were not surrendered along with it. Thus, we may try to give up, say the feeling of being wronged, but what blocks the giving up is that we like being the victim. Why? Because there is someone else to shift blame on. The attachment to that nonserving issue is enough to keep it in place. Thus, the inquiry needs to look at why we like being the victim. Inquire deeper and we uncover the fact that inadequacy within is the issue, not anything to do with anyone else. Thus, there is no longer someone else to blame. The issue has always been me. It hardly matters what circumstances led to such a fallacy in belief. Ultimately, it is about owning the issue. Without taking complete responsibility, nothing can be let go of.
Thus, "giving" my sense of inadequacy to my Ishta is pointless unless I am also willing to give up my liking of feeling inadequate. But I can't even see that I like it unless I'm willing to give up any resistance to seeing, with false beliefs such as "there is nothing and nobody to suffer" when clearly that is not being lived.
So, what is the mechanism of letting go? Aside from humble asking to be shown and willingness to see all the "un-holy" parts of ourselves, it is deceptively simple. It is to remain with the felt sense of the issue. Not labeling it and ignoring all thoughts about it. And surrendering to that felt sense of pain, guilt, shame, anger, whatever. Not trying to shift it or give it to someone else, but allowing it to blossom fully. As this happens, over a few minutes, the sensation shifts and changes. Staying with it for longer takes away the energy of it and it dissolves. Depending on how deep-rooted it is and how attached we are to it, it goes away permanently or comes up again to be subjected to the same process (with decreased intensity).
It is when we are completely willing to let go of limitations along with all the associated perks, that the giving on our part or taking on the Ishta's part is complete. Can't ask the Ishta to take the limitation but leave the perks behind
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BillinL.A.
USA
375 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2014 : 6:29:00 PM
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Oh lord Kami!
Reading through each of your post's sentences I felt like a obstinate child after a caniption fit being dragged by his mother from a department store by his arm kicking and screaming.
Really a wake up call. Thank you|! |
Edited by - BillinL.A. on Jan 25 2014 8:59:56 PM |
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kami
USA
921 Posts |
Posted - Jan 26 2014 : 09:57:00 AM
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Thank you for reading dear Bill. I'm not totally averse to dragging the obstinate child in me into the light.
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kami
USA
921 Posts |
Posted - Jan 26 2014 : 2:25:29 PM
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This process of surrendering is unfolding in marvelous ways.. The new block to giving up that I discovered this morning is desire/wanting.
For a few days now, I have been working with a primal felt-sense of an early life significant parental relationship issue. There was a sudden seeing that due to a marred relationship with a parent, I had subconsciously blocked all such relationships, where somebody might have wanted to be a parent-like figure. In fact, even my Ishta was not allowed the role of parent, but always remained Beloved (Krishna) or impersonal feminine life-force (Devi).
Since I saw what the issue was, there was the desire to let it go. And thus, I've been sitting for 10-15 minutes simply allowing stuff to arise, noticing associated resistance to letting go. As I saw it arise this morning, I could see my pain and anger held in place by a stubborn unwiilingness to let it go. My psyche was attached to it, it gave me a subtle identity. I desperately wanted to let go of the stubbornness but it didn't budge. An hour later, I was sitting with a book and a cup of coffee. Suddenly, the block to letting go was clear - it was the desperate wanting to let go. Letting that wanting drop resulted in a sudden and explosive heart opening, a dam bursting and bringing tears of surprise and relief.
Samyama, as I've come to understand it, is the process of letting go of desire. Wanting or desire puts a space between the thing and "me" - it is a thing to be had, as in (subconsciously): "I don't/can't have it", or "I'm lacking." Letting the desire go in the form of a sutra is really healing this sense of lack with a (subconscious) affirmation of: "I am worth it" or "it has always been available". Thus, being in a state of equanimity where it's ok to have or not have paradoxically and miraculously allows it to come to fruition.
Thus, the primary blocks to surrender are: (1) obsessive desire for it to happen, (2) a hidden perk in the form of attachment to the thing we are trying to surrender (e.g, being the victim or false sense of satisfaction in holding on to pain) and (3) guilt/shame about having this "un-holy" trait. For this last one, there are other associated issues - vanity or pride in having gained some sort of spiritual level, and lack of courage and willingness to dig deep are the obvious ones..
So the lessons continue..
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Edited by - kami on Jan 26 2014 2:29:16 PM |
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whippoorwill
USA
450 Posts |
Posted - Jan 26 2014 : 10:57:36 PM
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This thread is so relevant to my life experience right now. I'm working through many of the same things. Will definitely take your thoughts to heart.
quote:
In the process of letting go or surrendering, the first step is to become aware that there is holding. And this takes courage. Painful issues become repressed for a very good reason - because they are indeed painful. In a situation like this (and from my own personal experience), the arising of non-dual awareness or opening can happen briefly. If, when it passes, the thought that "awakening has happened and there is nothing/nobody here anymore" is falsely believed, the repressed issues will continue to recur, whether one acknowledges it or not.
This is a trap that I've fallen into many times. When I feel identified (when the material world feels so very real and solid), I try to return non-identified awareness by pretending I'm not real and by discounting whatever I'm feeling as not valid. It sets me up for all kinds of grief. The best I can do to avoid this trap right now is to check whether there's a mental story going on. If there's a mental story, then there's a human being participating in that story, and whatever that human being feels is valid. Then I put my attention on that feeling and try to follow it back to it's source. I'm finding all kinds of things related to a victim mentality -- the story of "they did this to me." This stuff is really hard to put into language…. I admire your clarity.
quote:
For a few days now, I have been working with a primal felt-sense of an early life significant parental relationship issue. There was a sudden seeing that due to a marred relationship with a parent, I had subconsciously blocked all such relationships, where somebody might have wanted to be a parent-like figure. In fact, even my Ishta was not allowed the role of parent, but always remained Beloved (Krishna) or impersonal feminine life-force (Devi).
Parental issues here too… This is something I've been struggling with for some time. I can't imagine the divine as male. Anytime someone refers to "Him" with such loving devotion, I just feel gross. I can't even imagine what it must be like to feel such devotion to a male ishta. I tried reading the "Course in Miracles" and gave up. I knew there was a message but I couldn't open myself to receive it because the divine aspect was only referred to as male. It's such a deep, stubborn block in the heart (a true heartache). I'm sure it's related to a victim mentality, but there's such difficulty dissolving it.
Funny thing is… I don't think it's all mine -- meaning, I don't think all of this block comes from any specific experience I had sometime between birth and now. There's no experience I've had that could explain or justify it...
There's much work to be done.
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Edited by - whippoorwill on Jan 26 2014 11:16:47 PM |
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Sparkle
Ireland
1457 Posts |
Posted - Jan 27 2014 : 07:17:39 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by whippoorwill
This thread is so relevant to my life experience right now. I'm working through many of the same things. Will definitely take your thoughts to heart.
quote:
In the process of letting go or surrendering, the first step is to become aware that there is holding. And this takes courage. Painful issues become repressed for a very good reason - because they are indeed painful. In a situation like this (and from my own personal experience), the arising of non-dual awareness or opening can happen briefly. If, when it passes, the thought that "awakening has happened and there is nothing/nobody here anymore" is falsely believed, the repressed issues will continue to recur, whether one acknowledges it or not.
This is a trap that I've fallen into many times. When I feel identified (when the material world feels so very real and solid), I try to return non-identified awareness by pretending I'm not real and by discounting whatever I'm feeling as not valid. It sets me up for all kinds of grief. The best I can do to avoid this trap right now is to check whether there's a mental story going on. If there's a mental story, then there's a human being participating in that story, and whatever that human being feels is valid. Then I put my attention on that feeling and try to follow it back to it's source. I'm finding all kinds of things related to a victim mentality -- the story of "they did this to me." This stuff is really hard to put into language…. I admire your clarity.
quote:
For a few days now, I have been working with a primal felt-sense of an early life significant parental relationship issue. There was a sudden seeing that due to a marred relationship with a parent, I had subconsciously blocked all such relationships, where somebody might have wanted to be a parent-like figure. In fact, even my Ishta was not allowed the role of parent, but always remained Beloved (Krishna) or impersonal feminine life-force (Devi).
Parental issues here too… This is something I've been struggling with for some time. I can't imagine the divine as male. Anytime someone refers to "Him" with such loving devotion, I just feel gross. I can't even imagine what it must be like to feel such devotion to a male ishta. I tried reading the "Course in Miracles" and gave up. I knew there was a message but I couldn't open myself to receive it because the divine aspect was only referred to as male. It's such a deep, stubborn block in the heart (a true heartache). I'm sure it's related to a victim mentality, but there's such difficulty dissolving it.
Funny thing is… I don't think it's all mine -- meaning, I don't think all of this block comes from any specific experience I had sometime between birth and now. There's no experience I've had that could explain or justify it...
There's much work to be done.
Thanks very much for you're post whippoorwill and to kami,
In reading your post it occurred to me that your thoughts about non-identification and being with the "memory" of it instead of the actual experiencing of it sounds valid.
I too identify with this referral to past moments of clarity and then overlaying them on my life only to discover a veil or a haze as the lessons of life continue to emerge, waiting to be seen through, but greeted instead by a memory of how it "should" be, given that I now have this new "clarity". Which, as it turns out is masking the real moment of now and substituting it with something from the past.
I would be interested in hearing what you think about the fact that as you are engaging in the beautiful work being described above, that you are, in those very moments of awareness of, being a victim, of feeling the feelings in the body of being aware of the thoughts and sensing the body, that in these moments you are living and experiencing non-identified awareness. There may not be the "wow" factor that one can experience as the result of a big shift, but nevertheless I would see the work you are engaged in as living and being with non-identification in a way that we humans can, by going in and out of it, back and forth from memory to now, memory to now.
Does that make any sense?
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kami
USA
921 Posts |
Posted - Jan 27 2014 : 11:21:46 AM
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Thank you for reading and sharing, Liz. I'm always astounded that so many of us seem to be working on identical things at any given time.. The proof of resonance.
Yesterday afternoon, I decided to open the "A course in miracles" book, read a bit and let it settle (see about resonance?!). The particular issue I'm working on is forgiveness. So, here are my observations on forgiveness. Say we have had an "awakening" experience and come to believe there is nobody to forgive, nothing to do. Consciously, this "knowledge" forces out accepting that our behavior does not actually reflect whatever it is that we gleaned from the "awakening". We continue to have issues with parents, spouse, Government, pharmaceutical industries, terrorists, you name it. We keep spewing about one thing or other on a constant basis, but the "knowledge" that there is nothing to do and nobody to forgive blocks all seeing of all these issues (that are obvious to everyone else). Thus, the first thing to do is to let go of "knowing", starting at any given moment from we are, not where we think we are. So, when any knowing on my part was dropped, it became obvious that I have not forgiven. Immediately, there might be a thought arising along the lines of "oh but there is nobody to forgive..". Each time this arises, it is dropped, surrendered.
And the next step is to see what is holding the "not forgiving" in place. I stayed with that feeling, without labeling it but allowing it to arise. It was astonishing what arose next - it was the belief that "I am unable to forgive". When inquired into, it turns out that in truth what my psyche is saying is, "I will not forgive." Why? Because if I do, then there will be nobody else to pass the buck to. Plus, I have the false sense of holding the other person "accountable" by not forgiving. Deeper still, it was the fear of seeing that I am indeed that powerful, that I do have such a choice. A-ha!! This whole time, I have relinquished the power to the "wrong-doer", falsely believing that I "cannot" forgive. It was as if another dam broke, allowing a lifetime of pain to gush forth. And after the intensity of this seeing subsided, then, the cellular knowing (not merely intellectual) of "there is nobody 'there' to forgive" came forth. It is all in me. Nothing is out there - not the wrong-doer, not the consequences, not the pain, not the holding. So who am I forgiving? Clearly nobody out there!
And thus, more blocks to letting go (in addition to those in the previous post are): (4) knowledge, as in "I know already". This is why the beginner's mind is so valued in Zen and yoga, and (5) false belief of "I cannot", which in reality translates to "I will not" let go.
I can relate on the "it's not mine" thing - some images that come up in deep inquiry and in asana practice are not familiar to me. Yet, it doesn't matter, since it is causing discordance.. Whatever it is, it needs to be surrendered.
Thank you for sharing this journey.
Much love. |
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kami
USA
921 Posts |
Posted - Jan 27 2014 : 11:30:38 AM
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Hi Sparkle,
Yes, that does make sense.
It is not that I have not been working on, say forgiveness, before this. The process I was using is what you describe. I would bring up the issue in a detached sort of way while residing in awareness, and it would not even make sense why it was an issue. That is the incredible power of spiritual bypassing. Falsely, I believed over and over again that it was let go. But it was not, since there was still coloring there - a subtle wish that it had not happened, of how I could have behaved differently, etc etc. Not overtly, but deep within. And in retrospect, it was because I had the arrogant belief that "I know already what to do". My life lesson was to learn to surrender that "knowing", as described above. As the veils are slowly lifting, I can feel gratitude for the way all those "undesirable" events of the past that have brought me to this present moment. Once again, not a "this is what I should be feeling" sort of way, but a deeper, more spontaneous and cellular thing.
Not sure if it makes any sense?
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kami
USA
921 Posts |
Posted - Jan 29 2014 : 2:43:20 PM
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The process of surrendering has taken on a new turn over the last day.
While inquring deep into the nature of thoughts/emotions/memories, there was a subtle shift of identity from me as this body/mind, to me as spacious awareness. The body-mind arises "in" awareness which has no boundaries.. The body-mind does not contain the knowing awareness, but the other way around.. all thoughts/emotions/memories flow by in a stream, each devoid of any inherent coloring, each arising randomly, with no inherent goal/purpose to fulfill. Each memory/thought/emotion is merely a packet of energy. In that instant of clarity, the body, thoughts and emotions were all seen to be identical in that they all comprise of energy to arise, be sustained for specific periods and dissolve - into this knowing awareness.
So it got me wondering - what if I had never known the concept of good/bad, pleasant/unpleasant, pleasurable/hurtful, etc? Anything that happened would be instantly forgotten, forgiven. What makes it so personal is coloring of the event with all these pairs of opposites. And so when I inquire still deeper into the coloring itself, once again, it is devoid of any inherent quality - it is my mind, with its learned concepts, that gives an arising, inherently empty phenomenon a specific color or quality. Furthermore, it is only because I've taken them to be "mine" that they are an issue, that there is someone else (or "myself") to forgive, to DO something about it. If the inherent emptiness of stuff is seen through consistently, the attachment to it as "my pain" or "my issue" drops away automatically. Not in the sense of rejecting it as "not mine, but Yours God", but that there is actually no substance to any of it, including the sense of "it is happening to me".
To go deeper, I began to investigate the sense of "me" - not thoughts or beliefs or ideas, but the actual felt sense. What does it feel like? Where is it? Is it in the body? Out of it? Some specific chakra? And once again, the felt-sense does not have an inherent "quality" of me. It is not "within" my body, it goes to the farthest corners of the cosmos where the mind/intellect goes. I cannot be sure it is "mine". It is sensed as simply "here", where everything I am experiencing is arising, including people/events/objects. Could the "me-ness" be my neighbors' "me-ness" as well? Essentially, I cannot "find" the "me" when I look for it. Hmmm... So, if there isn't an actual "me" with inherent qualities (of something this entity has by its own merit), what about all the colorings arising within the entity? And if none of this is actually what it seems to be, what is it that needs to be surrendered? And by whom? We will see..
Meanwhile, there is a sense of lightness.. and of healing..
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Give vs. Take
