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Rattan
South Africa
41 Posts |
 Posted - May 14 2012 : 6:27:34 PM
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Hi. I have a problem that I need some insight from someone here please.
I am a divorced guy, with 3 grown children. And currently in a very, very good relationship with someone much younger than I am.
My girlfriend is now at a stage in her life that the she wants to start having children, while I have just finished raising 3 children and gotten them off my hands and independent. I do not have the desire or the energy to raise a child again at my stage in life.
I completely understand my girlfriend’s irresistible desire to have children of her own and are sympathetic. But I have had a vasectomy.
This then is the problem, that this issue creates the worst fights between us and then long periods of gloominess. When it clears, our relationship is the best ever. We love each other and want to stay together forever.
I am afraid however, that this difference is going to inevitably end the relationship.
Any insights?
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LittleTurtle
USA
342 Posts |
Posted - May 14 2012 : 7:39:35 PM
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Speaking as a female lol, I can tell you that in general most young women who fall deeply in love with a man do want to have his child. That may sound old fashioned or whatever but i feel it's true. If your lady loves you enough to want to have your child well that's probably not gonna change. Not all women want to have children but when they do it's usually within the relationship where they feel the most love and trust. I think if you stay together and her desire to have children goes unfulfilled then she herself will feel unfulfilled and regret and blame set in and the feeling of wasted youth. Does this make sense to you? I am 60 years old with three grown children. I had several relationships before I met my hubby. (we've been married 32 years.) He was married before and had one son from that marriage. I was very much in love but if he had not wanted more children I would not have married him. There is a tipping point where biology and desire just take over. I hope all works out well for you.  |
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LittleTurtle
USA
342 Posts |
Posted - May 14 2012 : 7:43:31 PM
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Oh, and vasectomies are reversible. 
In fact I once delivered a baby to a couple where the dad had had a vasectomy reversed TWICE.  |
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Rattan
South Africa
41 Posts |
Posted - May 15 2012 : 07:16:45 AM
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| LittleTurtle, thank you. You mention that "she herself will feel unfulfilled and regret and blame set in and the feeling of wasted youth" For her sake, it is probably then better to end the relationship sooner than later. That is what I am afraid of. We will see what happens. |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - May 15 2012 : 08:34:25 AM
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Tough one Rattan... my kids have grown up and I could not imagine going through the whole parenting thing again. 
And yet when I was younger, I could not imagine not having gone through motherhood (and still cant imagine what life would have been without my girls). So I can see her point of view as well.
But the two of you love each other so much, I know you will come up with a solution. Don't close it off with "it will end soon"... ask for a solution in stillness... you know samyama after all these years of AYP... you may be surprised at the answer that comes to you (remember how the first retreat came to you just when you needed it?).
Wish you and her the very best. Give her my love. Miss you guys. |
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Rattan
South Africa
41 Posts |
Posted - May 15 2012 : 09:49:28 AM
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| Shanti, there are tears in my eyes at the moment. Thank you for your message. You know how much you have meant to me in the past. Thank You. |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - May 15 2012 : 09:51:28 AM
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Thanks Rattan!!!
Will keep both of you in my Samyama.
_/\_ |
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HathaTeacher
Sweden
382 Posts |
Posted - May 16 2012 : 09:51:35 AM
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It's fair to say there's no other answer than one from within. No universal-template one.
This makes me remember an early drama movie by the late Ingmar Bergman, www.ingmarbergman.se/page.as...-42D9806158E6
(PS: Some frequently quoted words of wisdom by I.B. are
"Get married - and you'll regret it. Don't get married - and you'll regret it." ) |
Edited by - HathaTeacher on May 16 2012 09:55:06 AM |
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maheswari
Lebanon
2516 Posts |
Posted - May 16 2012 : 12:55:58 PM
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quote:
Get married - and you'll regret it. Don't get married - and you'll regret it."
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mikkiji
USA
219 Posts |
Posted - May 21 2012 : 9:43:28 PM
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Pieter,
Oy veh, yeah--tough one indeed! I'm not sure I ever shared my whole story with you last year at Kripalu, so... I'm also 60, and 30 years ago, after nearly 10 years with my true love, we realized that we could not bear children together. We adopted and raised a wonderful daughter, but when our daughter was 11 my wife said, "I don't think we're done yet." "Done with what?" I asked. "Having children" she answered. We were, by then, in our early 40s, and I could NOT imagine changing diapers, etc. again, so I do understand your emotional state. However, my wife was insistent, she KNEW we were not done, and so after much discussion, decided to adopt again--an older child. It was perfect--he was 4 1/2 years old when he arrived from Vietnam, and now, 5 years after my wife's death, I thank her daily for our son, my son. I cannot imagine my life without him, without having had the experience of raising him. He graduated college last weekend, and is joining the Peace Corps, a chip off his late mother's block indeed. I remarried and my new, somewhat younger wife also had an adopted Asian son, five years younger than my boy. My new wife was widowed when her son was only 7, and he barely remembers his dad by now, 10 years later. I've helped raise him since he was 12, and he turns 17 soon. These 2 boys SO MUCH complete my life, my person-hood. Be creative, be open, and Life will inevitably bring more of itself to itself...
Best of luck finding your way though to your happiness!
Michael |
Edited by - mikkiji on May 21 2012 10:50:02 PM |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - May 22 2012 : 06:24:24 AM
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Dear Pieter
You must look inside once more.
In your heart you will find what this relationship is worth. And it will be a question of what is most important to you: To not have another child or to be with this woman. When it is a young woman's deepest wish to have a child, asking her not to is a very tall order. It will always be an issue between the two of you, it will not "go away" unless it is properly addressed...as you have already found out.
The solution may come in unexpected ways, but first.......find out if being with her is your deepest calling. Then a solution will present itself.
Life is so challenging sometimes.....but it is exactly these challenges that make us real human beings. So to make a choice that is in accordance with your integrity is never going to backfire. It doesn't mean it will be easy. But it will be true.
Clarity and strength be with you.
Much love,
Katrine
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mr_anderson
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - May 23 2012 : 2:39:18 PM
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Hi Pieter,
As I'm a 27yr old guy and without children, I can't really comment or say anything that hasn't been said already. My sister (she was 28 at the time) went through a similar thing with her husband (he was probably about 49/50 at the time).
He absolutely did not want to have children. She was patient with him as she loved him very much (although if he hadn't changed his mind, I think ultimately it would've been over) and eventually he caved, and is ultimately deeply happy with his decision.
What Katrine said though resonates with me. As a general rule in life, I suppose we must follow what our hearts tell us is right for us, even if it's painful, instead of being governed by our attachments.
I can't really advise, but I just wanted to you wish you both the best, you are both lovely people, and I hope you work it out.
Love,
Josh |
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Rattan
South Africa
41 Posts |
Posted - Jun 04 2012 : 1:59:43 PM
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Michael, Katrine, Josh. Thank very much for your support. I have not been back to the forum for a while, and missed your messages.
When one posts a (for you) BIG question like this on the forum, you do not really expect it to be resolved by the replies. But very soon after everyone's replies started coming in, a change in attitude took place in me.
I can tell you all that I have decided that soon,I will have a vasectomy-reversal procedure done. And after that whatever happens will happen. I am very calm and peaceful after the decision, and Sammy-Jo is, as you might guess, very very happy.
Thanks again to everyone.
Pieter
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LittleTurtle
USA
342 Posts |
Posted - Jun 04 2012 : 4:31:08 PM
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Yay! Love wins! |
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Etherfish
USA
3615 Posts |
Posted - Jun 04 2012 : 6:07:14 PM
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| I have friends who have one biological kid, one adopted from poverty striken parents in a third world country, and one abandoned locally at a hospital door. It helps with the world population explosion problem. |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Jun 05 2012 : 02:39:06 AM
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quote:
Michael, Katrine, Josh. Thank very much for your support. I have not been back to the forum for a while, and missed your messages.
When one posts a (for you) BIG question like this on the forum, you do not really expect it to be resolved by the replies. But very soon after everyone's replies started coming in, a change in attitude took place in me.
I can tell you all that I have decided that soon,I will have a vasectomy-reversal procedure done. And after that whatever happens will happen. I am very calm and peaceful after the decision, and Sammy-Jo is, as you might guess, very very happy.
Thanks again to everyone.
Pieter
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mikkiji
USA
219 Posts |
Posted - Jun 05 2012 : 8:26:32 PM
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Pieter,
Paul McCartney was 61 when his youngest child was born, Cary Grant was 62, Pablo Picasso was 68 and Charlie Chaplin had his last at the age of 73! I'd say you are in excellent company here as a possible future dad-to-be (again!), and wish you and your new love much luck in finding your mutual fulfillment--and remember that SHE will keep you young!
Michael |
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Giacomo
78 Posts |
Posted - Jul 14 2012 : 05:15:40 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Rattan
Hi. I have a problem that I need some insight from someone here please.
I am a divorced guy, with 3 grown children. And currently in a very, very good relationship with someone much younger than I am.
My girlfriend is now at a stage in her life that the she wants to start having children, while I have just finished raising 3 children and gotten them off my hands and independent. I do not have the desire or the energy to raise a child again at my stage in life.
I completely understand my girlfriend’s irresistible desire to have children of her own and are sympathetic. But I have had a vasectomy.
This then is the problem, that this issue creates the worst fights between us and then long periods of gloominess. When it clears, our relationship is the best ever. We love each other and want to stay together forever.
I am afraid however, that this difference is going to inevitably end the relationship.
Any insights?
I am... a 27 year old man and also have had a vasectomy because I don't feel the urge to have children.. The day I had that operation was one of the best days in my life. I felt free from worldy responsibilities. When I used to have sex I always used protection still..
I personally think, when u choose to have a child, the child should come first.. I think my desires would have to be in the background, while the child's benefit would have to come first..
My desire for independency, spirituality and life itself is too high and havin' children would be a big mistake for me personally.
You have to think about what you want.. And follow your 'heart'. That's the best advice I can give you |
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No children problem
