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Chaz
USA
129 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 05 2012 : 9:45:57 PM
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I'm am posting this here on this site because I don't know where else to go. I'm writing this out of pure desperation that someone will know what's so horribly wrong with me at this point in my life. I don't even know how to explain my situation to anyone other than I have some strong willed inner demons that I need to beat out of me. I simply can't live like this anymore.
I don't know where to begin, my life has only just become the chaotic wreck it seems recently but I feel like I should explain a little bit of my spiritual/personal background to understand how far down hill I've gone. I've been through a lot, but I don't really know where or what it was that went wrong and ruined me. I was a good kid, and a lot of people found me to be very intelligent. Growing up people never hesitated to tell me how much potential I had, and how bright my future was. For a while I was my mothers last hope for her children. Out of the four of us, only my oldest sister is doing good on our own and that's primarily because she has her husband to take care of her. People always talked about me like I was destined to go far in life. Perhaps they might have been right back then. Adults found me to be wise beyond my years, even giving heart-felt advice about things I had never even experienced. I was articulate in conversation, creative, played sports and games, had hobbies, I made good decisions for myself, did well in school, I had self-respect and morals, I was full of life and opportunity. I'm not that person anymore.
I guess my conscious spiritual journey started when I began seeking to change, improve, and fix myself. What started this was probably my desire to achieve psychic ability as a kid. I wanted to read minds and move objects with thought. I was always fascinated with the supernatural, extraordinary human ability, and consciously effecting one's own reality. I had a natural inclination to these things and always felt a deeper mystery about life and it's potentials that I wanted to discover. I was so interested in these things that I had my father buy me a book called The Everything Psychic Book when I was about 11 and this was when I first experienced meditation. The book instructed me to stop my thoughts, visualize certain things, count down, look up at the third eye with the eyes closed, etc. I don't know if these practices were safe, but I dabbled in them here and there in hopes of achieving some sort of psychic ability. There was one point doing it I felt an incredibly intense force in my third eye, my eyes rolled back, I could feel energy and pressure in the area, and if my memory is serving me right, I could even hear the energy. It was a strange occurrence, till this day I have no idea what it meant or if it was good or bad for me. But that was probably the moment where I realized there was a reality to the knowledge I was only getting a small taste of. But I was young, and had little desire or resources to learn more about meditation techniques, spirituality and how it all worked together. Eventually I got frustrated with it and lost interest for a while. Whatever experiences I had using that book, I don't know if was substantial or not. I simply went on being caught up in life, and that's when I learned I have a lot of issues.
My issues ranged from a lot of things, mostly anxiety, EXTREME self-doubt in just about everything I did, I wasn't comfortable with myself, who I was, I was constantly worried about what others were thinking of me. I was easily angered or provoked and I always felt on guard and tense, like I was prepared for an attack or insult from just about everyone. I was paranoid a lot, scared to be around a large amount of people. I had almost poor coordination and no motivation to be physically fit. I started to form really poor work habits in school, and rather than learning how to be a good, proactive student I instead started learning how to be the worlds biggest bullsh*tter. I started to just get by in all my classes, passing was enough for me, the rest I would just bluff or charm my way out of assignments and failing grades. I developed a really weird and unhealthy habit of not waking up on time to catch my bus, or waking up just ten minutes before it came and rushing through all my morning processes just to make it. Absences were becoming more common, more late or missing work, and from the moment I stepped into high school my academic performance was at a steady plummet. Till this day I have left all my teachers puzzled, because I get good grades on my tests and can easily demonstrate that I know and understand the material, I just was becoming extremely lazy and unmotivated. The only responsibility I cared for and took serious was running a website. Then at the end of freshman year I started smoking pot, which in a way I think has helped me realize most of the issues I was facing. What I quickly learned about marijuana is it enhances just about every experience, so my deep rooted fears and paranoia quickly came to the surface, and I was not in any way prepared for the crippling effect of it all. My anxiety and paranoia was ruining my life. Simple tasks were becoming difficult, I had extreme performance anxiety for just about anything I did and this would severely hold me back and cause me to do poorly. I felt increasingly awkward, like I had lost my gracefulness and effortless doing of things. Small chores and responsibilities became seemingly mountainous tasks for me. I was starting to think I couldn't do anything right in life, and maybe I just wasn't meant to live. The thought of suicide has come up frequently enough, and there were times when I think perhaps I'm better off dead. I wasn't happy, I wasn't functioning properly, I could almost sense a subconscious block somewhere. I started searching for a remedy and ended up right where I started, meditation. But I was 15 then, I had a much stronger thirst for the knowledge and the truth now. I kept doing my research and started learning about different meditation techniques, the importance of the Now and staying present, what Qi/chi/prana was, chakras, the subconcious mind and it's role in behaviors, habits, and your destiny, as well as what binaural, monaural, and isochronic beats were and they're uses for the mind and meditation. I was piecing it all together and I was getting benefits from what I was learning and practicing for sure, although I had no routine and my meditations were irregular and sporadic. I felt more energetic, more alive, more calmer. Things were working out, I was attending school more, my face and skin were clear and healthy looking, I felt and looked great! I could see small glimpses of improvement in me from my personality, my responses to things, better relationships, even better habits, but unfortunately this didn't last as long as I had hoped for. I still wasn't doing my best academically, if I even tried at all, but somehow I miraculously got by that year. Even though I was close to failing two classes, I was blessed with what I feel were miracles from God and ended up moving onto junior year. I was given hope, but maybe for the wrong things. I was seeking to better myself by becoming superhuman, discovering human power, living a dream reality, and finding God/enlightenment simultaneously. I wanted to solve all my issues quickly and easily with manifesting. I knew some of it had to be possible, and I knew some it was a worthy and fruitful venture. I started getting tons of self-help, law of attraction, and manifestation books. Looking at my kindle will show you I've covered just about everything, I even have books covering human consciousness, the solar plexus, frequency and vibrations, the list goes on. I have improved in many areas, but still I'm not living the good, fulfilling life I hope for, nor have I successfully or meaningfully found God/enlightenment. What I have gotten though, is more problems, more unhealthy habits and dumb behavior, and perhaps a worsened situation.
All of 2011 was rough emotional roller coaster, filled with ecstatic highs and suicidal lows. That year I only got worse academically, and ended up failing entirely. People warned me I might be on the wrong path, but I wasn't exactly sure how to get off it or how I ended up going down it in the first place. I knew better, always. I was put to the test in 2011 in sooo many ways. I learned so many lessons in that year, it was almost eerie how everything worked out in synchronicity as if it was all orchestrated by destiny or a higher power. Although those situations were EXTREMELY stressful and pushed me to the breaking point, they had a profound impact on me. They have shown me there is something more that I am on the brink of experiencing, but I have so many blocks right now. Last summer I was at a boiling point emotionally due to love, I was in love and scared about it and I think it's played a role in driving me this crazy, all I wanted to do was run from it. I wanted to run from my feelings, which was of course impossible, but I also wanted to run away so I could do some soul searching and find myself. I went to New York city and stayed with my grandma for about a month and a half to do just that. It was there I did more piecing together of the knowledge I had gained over the past two years and that is when I finally stumbled upon and purchased the AYP book on my kindle. I started the practices and applied the principles, doing my best to have a solid routine. I was also fond of doing the sat nam and sodarshan kriyas and I could definitely feel my nervous system becoming more cleared and energetic. I started school with a brighter outlook in hopes of enjoying it to the fullest, I prayed and hoped for a miracle because I was a junior and wanted to graduate on time with all the seniors. I got my wish, and I was on the path to do just that. I had a new counselor this year who was willing to help me and eager to see me succeed, and she doubled me up with entirely core classes so I would complete my junior and senior year in one. All I had to do was come to school and do my work, and at least pass all of my classes and I would be walking across the stage with my class. The thought made me happy and excited. It seemed like everything was suddenly on my side, I still wasn't doing the best attendance wise, I got almost all F's interim, then worked hard for just a week or so and brought almost everything up to a C or higher. It was the best grades I've seen all high school career. I still got an F in one of my classes though, so I was gonna have to work harder in order to get good grades for the rest of the year, that was my hardest subject too. But still I felt like I was proving everybody wrong when they had all doubted my present success. Things seemed to be working out so well my friend has even called me a miracle worker.
Something went wrong, I started going downhill faster than ever. I would go so far as to say this has to be rock bottom for me, but it always seems like there's more downhill to go these days. I don't know why I am so messed up now, or how to stop it. There was a day I meditated and did the kriyas, and I had did the sodarshan kriya very wrong by accident. That night I went out and made some very mindless decisions that ended up getting my friend robbed and made me look like a complete idiot. It was weird, it was dumb, I'm smarter than that and should have been way above it, but I just went with it. I let it all happen and played my role in my own misfortune. From that day my meditation has been severely irregular and random. Things started happening both good and bad, but more so bad sometimes it seems, because even the things that I used to think were good I can't be sure of anymore. To the people around me, I am on fast track to jail or rehab. My mind completely rejects that idea. I feel like the universe is playing some sort of sick joke on me. I can't understand it. I make such stupid and unhealthy decisions for myself, it's like I've lost my logic. I keep asking, hoping, having faith in something better but I constantly get left disappointed. Why can't I be happy? Why can't I do the right thing and not have to think so hard about what that is? Why am I not doing what's best for me? What's holding me back? Is it karma? I just wanna break these negative influences and be free to live happily.
So here I am now, a wreck. I wrote this in hopes that maybe I would understand where I went so wrong, or maybe someone here might. But I am really desperate, my soul feels broken and shattered. I have no morals, no self-respect. I can't help but engage in self-destructive behavior and self-sabotage. I can't even begin to explain how many times someone offered me help and stuck their neck out for me, or a great opportunity came along and I just ruined it somehow. I am making everything worse for myself. Everybody is watching me closely and I just keep letting them down and looking like a bigger disappointment in their eyes. I make unhealthy, bad decisions everyday it's becoming ridiculous. It's like that inner voice isn't speaking up anymore, or maybe I'm listening to the wrong voice. I have done things so shameful these past couple months for such stupid reasons. I've stolen, lied, schemed, and manipulated to get my ends, even if it's a dumb thing. I hate myself thinking about it, because I've tried so much and still I am doing so poorly. I'm becoming a bad person, and I desperately wanna stop it. I have a 0.9 GPA in school, my attendance is WORSE than ever! I never go or have the desire to go, and my head keeps telling me "Drop out, just do it, you'll be better off." and I can't figure out why I would feel like this simply to prove EVERYBODY right, and make everything harder on myself. I am going downhill with no hope. A big difference from the kid who had everything in front of him. School is the biggest issue, I have a truancy officer that's getting me in trouble and it's adding more fuel to the flame. All I keep thinking about is dropping out to lessen the burden so maybe I can get back to my meditation and practices. I feel like there is no hope left in High School since I've done so poorly. More and more relationships are becoming strained because of bad actions of mine, and my lifestyle. It's gotten intense. People always worry about me and warn me to get it together. I know I need too. It's like I'm programmed to just **** everything up and no matter how hard I try to go where I wanna go I just can't resist this dark path. This can't be me anymore. I'm so out of character. I'm doing things I never thought I would, the thoughts in my head are extremely negative sometimes and disgust me. I'm losing my mind, I'm hurt over love, and I'm slowly destroying myself. On top of that, loved ones around me are going through a lot, my mom is having worse and worse financial problems with time, and she's stressed because of what I've been going through as well as the problems of my other brothers and sisters. I'm afraid for us all and I just wanna make it better for all of us, but I can barely do good for my own self. I don't have a job or any means of making money, I'm engaging in bad behavior and I'm pushing the people in my life away. I feel as if I'm tainted. I really need help before I put myself in jail or kill myself. I've felt the good in me, the peace and joy. I've felt the reality of silence and everything I've learned on my spiritual path. I don't wanna lose it all. I'm stripping myself of all the good I have and I don't know how to stop it.
In my heart I know a better me, a better life. I can feel it deep within. I just wanna live through these times at peace and filled with joy. I wanna live prosperously and I want to thrive in all my endeavors. I wanna be a source of love, wealth, joy, pleasure, and happiness and I want to be able to spread it to those around me. I wanna be able to provide for myself and have enough to give away and provide for others. I wanna live comfortably and travel, I wanna embrace new people, new places, and new ideas. I want to create endless art and music. I wanna be spiritually sound and rich in soul. I may not be inclined to do well in school but I want to be successful either way, I want to flourish in all aspects of my life. I wanna feel alive, I want to start living. I want it now, I'm so tired of waiting and fighting. I'm going back to my meditation. I wanna run away from this life and create a new one, but I know I must face these issues so I can move on. I need to figure out if school really is as important and vital to my future as everyone makes it seem or if it will be worth getting away from it and finding myself. Still I need and request guidance in these tough times for me. I have issues and I need help. I just want to be a better person. If you read through all this then I sincerely thank you, you are a good soul and God bless you.
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Edited by - Chaz on Jan 05 2012 11:18:56 PM |
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Kahlia
161 Posts |
Posted - Jan 06 2012 : 12:22:45 AM
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You have a remarkable insight and sense of self awareness. Have you ever seen a psychotherapist? It might help to talk to someone? Seems like you have a lot to say... and a lot on your mind.
Take things day by day, baby steps. Pick a bad habit and change it and do something positive everyday.
You are lucky that you are young, you can change. You have the rest of your life in front of you, it is a gift, treat it like one! Dont be lazy and dont wait for a huge wake up call to shock you and wake up to your life, like sickness or the death of a loved one... Act wisely now and save pain later. You will never rest peacefully until youre following the path of your higherself, this voice that keeps telling you you must change and do things differently LISTEN TO IT!.
People DO end up in jail and rehab- it is REAL. Dont let yourself get there to find out! I have a friend who recently did just this IT IS A WASTE OF LIFE. Its never too late...
I wish I had something more "spiritual" or poetic to say to you but this is my best advice. |
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SeySorciere
Seychelles
1571 Posts |
Posted - Jan 06 2012 : 01:03:23 AM
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Dear Chaz,
Breathe deeply, breathe out...
That's a lot of **** !
Now smile.. 
It's in the past ! You get to make new choices NOW. You are FREE. You get to choose differently. Choose differently now! Do not spend one minute more dwelling on the past, stick with the now. Make choices one at a time as they come up. You already know very clearly who you are. Choose that.
As to your practices - seems like you went into overload without proper guidance and probably starting energy practices too young.
May I suggest that you spend 15 minutes 2x everyday for the next week, in silence to simply be with yourself. Accept and let go.
Then maybe the week after that you could try AYP style deep meditation and move from there. Read up on the lessons.
Good luck. You are indeed full of potential.
Sey
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nearoanoke
USA
525 Posts |
Posted - Jan 06 2012 : 01:04:41 AM
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Chaz,
I see you really hate where you are and want to move somewhere else. An important part of your evolution lies in accepting whatever is happening to you. Doing your best to change the situation and accepting the outcome whatever it may be. This includes your performance at school, your lack of discipline, not being able to put effort and all that is part of you.
Kriyas, Meditation all of that can be dangerous if overdone and you need to watch yourself for that. There is no quick fix. It takes time and there is no point trying to do more than your twice daily routine. Dont try to use the practices to hide from your struggles and whatever is happening in your life. Just do your daily routine and go and live your life. Life will try to show you what you exactly need to see at any point. This ofcourse doesn't mean you are destined to be in this suffering. Do the best you can. Be honest with yourself. Be responsible and take ownership for your life. Accept whatever is happening. Forgive yourself. All the best!
- Near |
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wigswest
USA
115 Posts |
Posted - Jan 06 2012 : 01:19:57 AM
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Wow, sweetie. Therapy. Now.
Trying to gain spiritual insights while ignoring basic psychological muck is asking for trouble. It's like trying to put a band-aid over a hemorrhaging wound.
Free yourself from the muck. Get therapy. Everything else will follow from that.
(been there, done that)
:) |
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karl
United Kingdom
1812 Posts |
Posted - Jan 06 2012 : 04:09:44 AM
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Haven't you just had enough of getting directions? Your parents, your friends, the drugs, society.
You need someone to help take the load off and a good therapist can help. Not someone to tell you what direction to take. Your compass is flying round because of all the self imposed pressures. You only need to see that for yourself and a therapist or good friend can help you see that without imposing any of their ideas onto you.
I think most people can empathise with what you are going through because it's happened to us in different degrees.
Having such inner awareness is a great help, but it can lead to painful analysis and endless churning with depressive lows and over excited highs. Weed only intensifies things as you found out and alcohol will take you to areas of depression that you can't imagine.
Don't worry too much about school, seems that your family had 'expectations' and you are now trying to live up to them. The perfect student. It's a disastrous way of living because you are not living your own life. I'm not saying to drop out, just be realistic. Not everyone is an academic, most who aren't seem to succeed in other areas such as business, art, music. The idea of qualifications as the prime provider of a secure and successful lifestyle is defunct. Better to read a book called 'Rich Dad,oor Dad' by Robert Kiyosaki. It's an easy and practical read for understanding just how unimportant qualifications really are and how illusory a secure job and career is.
When your young, everything seems like the end of the world. It's all just so mashed up and complex. Advice just seems to add even more burdens as you feel compelled to do that thing and the next. The searching becomes a series of short commando raids in the mind, all ending in frustrating walls that intensify the anxiety and give the feeling of being a complete loser and drag you down into a pit of despair and depression. It's a vicious circle and I think it's worse for arty intelligent types.
Oh yes, I've been there and got the tee shirt.
So, your just like most people trying to make their way in the world, it's confusing and scary.
So here's the thing. There are NO right choices. There are choices the you make according to your nature. There are NO books or correct paths and no one that can guide you as well as you can yourself. You might well need to be a complete screw up first before you really get going, or you might dither around for years going nowhere and managing to survive. Start living your own life and not that of your parents or friends, they can think what they like, they would be better off sorting themselves out before they begin trying to model your life.
I would recommend reading Loving What is by Byron Katie. I think it's helpful to see yourself extracted from the web that you have woven around yourself, where you have let expectations, attachments and drugs are run your life. Think of your favourite super hero or the person you most respect and that's who you are, you forge your own path, on your own terms, an island standing strong in a stormy sea.
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Edited by - karl on Jan 06 2012 04:17:49 AM |
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Radharani
USA
843 Posts |
Posted - Jan 10 2012 : 02:39:01 AM
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Dear Chaz,
Clearly you have a lot of insight into your situation - that's excellent, even though it is also contributing to your depression. You are aware, for example, of your self-sabotage. This is probably rebellion against the high expectations that were placed on you as a child. It would not be unusual. You seem to have a keen awareness of important issues that many people have to spend a lot of time in therapy to dredge up. So, you are that much closer to healing. I do think you would find counseling useful, just to have an objective person to be a mirror for you and give you feedback.
Chaz, I do sympathize with a lot of what you are going through. I was perfectly miserable as a teenager. By the way: My parents had high expectations of me, too. I would get in trouble if I didn't get straight A's. So I got A's throughout high school and college and guess what - I'm sorry to say it didn't do jack sh*t for me in life, and now I am having trouble making a living, while people who were slackers in high school and college are now wealthy businessmen! so there's no guarantee of success even if you do get the best possible grades... I suspect boredom may be part of your problem, because you're smart. Anyway, some of us have been there, done that, been miserable in high school. I wanted to die. You are not alone!
I would avoid alcohol and reefer. They will only exacerbate things.
Keep the meditation practice short and sweet and simple until you get more stability. Physical exercise, maybe some asana, Tai Chi, or even just walking, may be helpful.
I was very happy to read: "In my heart I know a better me, a better life. I can feel it deep within."
Great! It's within you and you know that. And you are free to express it. Nobody can stop you. But the first step in healing is to accept yourself right where you are now. God loves you; accept that Love. Forgive yourself for your real and/or imagined wrongdoings. Beating yourself up is a waste of time and energy (trust me, I know from experience). So you're not perfect. Join the club! We can't change the past and the future is still a fantasy. You are free in the moment, NOW, to be who you want to be. One step at a time, one day at a time. You can do this. It's going to be ok.
There is a book by Steve Ross called "Happy Yoga: 7 Reasons Why There's Nothing to Worry About." I have found it very useful and you might, also.
Much Love to you.
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Edited by - Radharani on Jan 10 2012 03:14:38 AM |
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crazymandrew
USA
121 Posts |
Posted - Jan 10 2012 : 07:03:24 AM
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From my experience these problems are caused by 4th dimensional entities/spirits. They literally feed off you producing negative engergy. I'm dead serious about this. It may sound crazy but it's worth looking into. They can have a very powerful effect on your mind.
I remember after about a year of meditation and a lot of success I really went down hill. When you become spiritually aware and your chakras are open these entities can take greater advantage of you.
Your best defenses:
-The light at top of your head/aura
-Orgonite (neat little invention, it produces prana)
-Closing down the chakras.
-Asking ark angel michael for protection from the entity (prefably 3 times per day)
-Silence, becoming your consciousness, will be more powerful than anything.
Also, just being aware these entities exist is extremely help. Simply knowing it's a negative influence and it's not actually you.
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nearoanoke
USA
525 Posts |
Posted - Jan 10 2012 : 11:32:24 AM
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Two books I highly recommend will help your situation
1. Falling into Grace (Insights into Suffering) by Adyashanti
2. Loving What is by Byron Katie
The first book has great wisdom on why we suffer, the root causes and what really helps alleviate that
The second book presents some great techniques and turns it around that the root cause of suffering is not somewhere out in the world but right within us, in the form of our beliefs/thoughts
- Near |
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mikkiji
USA
219 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2012 : 8:41:43 PM
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Chaz,
I'm thinking that one 'wrong direction' you have turned down which may have taken you to places of De-evolution and less-than-clear consciousness is your fascination with psychic phenomena and powers. That stuff is, almost literally, the devil's tool. Yes, certain psychic abilities are well-documented and have been shown to help with certain aspects of spiritual growth, but, as my guru told me 35 years ago when he taught me some of Patanjali's Yoga Sutras, they are never an end, only a means, a process, not a product. Otherwise, these abilities are no more than parlor tricks, and have the very real side effect of taking us way off-course. They can be very huge distractions and not at all useful in life. I have developed some of these yogic "Powers" in the 35 years I have practiced them, and have discontinued all of the "flashy" ones--the astral travel, the super-strength, the levitation, those "parlor tricks." I have continued and refined those which are not so magical, but merely human, such as refined sensory perception, increased compassion, friendliness, internal knowledge of my physical body, to name a few. My late wife had one for the location of hidden objects, which she had developed to a high degree, but it was wholly practical--at the time, we had small children who were constantly misplacing everything. Nothing was ever "lost" in our house, however--mom could always find it. Then there are the really stupid ones, the ones which seem to have drawn you--things like invisibility, telekinesis, walking through walls, weird "superpower" kind of stuff. Those do exist, but they are not to be played with by a youngster like a toy. I hope you have no intention of ever going anywhere near that stuff again. As somebody else here advised, self-regulate your practices, pare them down to two 15-minute seated meditation session each day, period. Keep it simple, sincere and humble and your days should become more hopeful and positive.
Good luck,
Namaste,
Michael |
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gatito
United Kingdom
179 Posts |
Posted - Jan 17 2012 : 10:46:09 PM
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Dear Chaz
You've had a lot of useful advice from people who have been in similar places to the one in which you find yourself and who have gone on to have fulfilling, happy lives.
So, I'll just add one more book to the reading list, if I may?
Transitions: Making Sense of Life's Changes by William Bridges
After an ending and before a beginning we can go through the "Neutral Zone" which is a place marked by darkness and dispair.
This book was given to me by one of my teachers, during a period where I was going through a divorce, loss of all contact with very young sons (who are your age now), major career change and homelessness. It was of great help.
It gives no concrete answers but a perspective on an age-old process, which may help you to find your own answers.
You seem to be intelligent, resourceful and determined, so you will find your own answers anyway. 
Let us know how you're getting on.
With Love
gatito |
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Chaz
USA
129 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2012 : 12:47:22 AM
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Thank you all for hearing out my situation, every response was some of the most helpful advice I've ever been given. I can tell this site has a lot of amazing people on here. You all have me feeling hopeful.
I've started meditating ayp style regularly again, although still very random with timing, and sometimes I don't do a full twenty minutes, I may do ten or just till my body feels like stopping meditation. I've never been very good with routine but I'm working on it. I'm trying to build up to comfortably sitting in meditation for 20 minutes by monday so I can begin a solid routine. I will probably keep a journal of my progress as well. Right now I'm seeing some progress, nothing big but I can feel my minds grip on all these problems loosening, I'm beginning to let go and let my silence be my guide.
I am also noticing a big difference now in my meditations. I'm meditating for the sake of meditating and practice alone. They used to feel like me metaphorically running away from all my problems. Thinking about it now, almost every time I would meditate back then it was unconsciously (sometimes consciously) with the thought that there was an existing problem I needed to escape from. I used to think of it as a quick fix to my life. Now it feels more like just being, living, not in any particular way and without judgement or critique. I'm glad, I'm using it less as a hiding spot from the darkness and more as a light to lead the way through it all it.
I did about three minutes of the sodarshan kriya and a minute of the sat nam kriya the other day, which I haven't done since the last incident I had. I felt a lot better and more energetic after that, but I'm afraid to keep going with it. Is it safe if I just do a little bit at a time and take it slow? From the experiences I've had I feel like they are very helpful and powerful kriyas that I would like to include in my practices, but if its doing too much and is more harm at this point than good then I would rather stay away for a while.
Overall I'm seeing the benefits of meditating every day, enough to motivate me to do more and establish a solid routine of practices, however I still have a lot of things I feel I need to clear up.
I will be going back to school tomorrow, it's been about a month since I've attended a full week of school... or even a full day now that I think of it. I'm on probation for the truancy, I just met with my probation officer today and she requested I do a mental health evaluation as well as alcohol and drug services or I instead could go in front of a judge and let them decide what I would have to do. I decided, as much as I love weed and its effect on my outlook, I wouldn't mind going sober and staying clean for a while so I can stay focused and clear headed. Overall the meeting went very well in my opinion. She's gonna work with me for the next three months to figure out what it is that's making me not want to show up to school or wake up on time in the morning, and for the next three months I need to be in all of my classes on time every day. She seems like she'll be a lot of help though, she isn't trying to get me in any more trouble than I've already gotten myself into and she doesn't wanna see me walk away from 13 years of education without anything to show for it. She is gonna help me figure out if I can salvage whats left of the school year or work with me and my school counselor to find the most effective alternative for me so I can get my High School diploma. I'm feeling a little more positive about the situation, I'm gonna give it a shot and make an effort to be there everyday. I have a good feeling at the end of all this, I will walk away with a diploma, and a struggle that I've overcome.
I'm looking forward to some improvements now that I have school, therapy, and drugs out the way. The problems aren't gone but at least I'm going in a direction rather than hopelessly wandering.
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From my experience these problems are caused by 4th dimensional entities/spirits. They literally feed off you producing negative engergy. I'm dead serious about this. It may sound crazy but it's worth looking into. They can have a very powerful effect on your mind.
I remember after about a year of meditation and a lot of success I really went down hill. When you become spiritually aware and your chakras are open these entities can take greater advantage of you.
Your best defenses:
-The light at top of your head/aura
-Orgonite (neat little invention, it produces prana)
-Closing down the chakras.
-Asking ark angel michael for protection from the entity (prefably 3 times per day)
-Silence, becoming your consciousness, will be more powerful than anything.
Also, just being aware these entities exist is extremely help. Simply knowing it's a negative influence and it's not actually you.
Very interesting, can you go into more detail? How do I know these negative entities are attacking me & where can I find orgonite? Whats the belief behind ark angel michael and does he help with my situation? Sorry if I'm asking a lot but your post stuck out at me because it would make a lot of sense why I'm doing all these bad things to myself when I desperately wanna do better and be on the right track. I somehow feel like it's a negative influence from somewhere, maybe a subconscious block or bad belief, but a negative entity is also a very valid cause. I had sleep paralysis and saw a negative entity laughing at me horridly once but I've shrugged it off now as a simple hallucination in between a waking and dream state. Could this have anything to do with my situation?
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I'm thinking that one 'wrong direction' you have turned down which may have taken you to places of De-evolution and less-than-clear consciousness is your fascination with psychic phenomena and powers.
I want to know what is so wrong with these things, I mean they exist as a product of spiritual evolution right? So what makes them so bad? Why do some yogis and spiritual masters have and demonstrate these abilities, which technically must be available to the entire human race, if they are so harmful? Is it only when the ego tries to get a hold of these powers that it becomes harmful? I'll be perfectly honest, a neat little trick such as finding hidden objects that is practical and helpful in life I wouldn't completely reject. As of now, powers aren't my main focus, not in the least bit. Although I HAVE been aiming for the "power" I guess you could say, of consciously choosing how I experience reality. I guess that was my whole thing with spiritual powers. I've been aiming for a more fluid and fulfilling reality and I had the idea that with the help of these powers, I can easily change and shape my own reality to fit me perfectly in that moment.
Like moving into a new house that fits your needs and desires at that time in life, until you find you want to move again, see change. Maybe I'll want a mansion when I'm young, to have a big family in and a lot of space and soft furniture, then maybe I may grow old and find all my children have left to live on their own and that mansion is now too big for me and makes me feel lonely, I was happy and fulfilled in it for some time, I enjoyed it and appreciated it, but now I'm ready to move to a simple cottage and maybe live up in the mountains away from the hustle and bustle of the urban life that at one time used to thrill me. Basically what I'm saying is, I know I'm gonna change, my beliefs, likes, interests, all that may change, but it is my hope that with these changes I can live a reality that fits me perfectly no matter what. I don't want to be that young man living on his parents small farm in a rural area, miles away from his neighbors, bored with his life and wishing every day his reality was a nice apartment in the city, where rather than helping run a farm he would be living his dream of running a restaurant. I'm not saying he can't achieve that dream, but why must he always dream beyond his circumstances? Why can't circumstances work in his favor, while his dreams are still ripe? Does this make any sense? Lol sorry if I went too deep in it. I guess that goes back to the whole powers thing, I've been looking for a way to easily change circumstances. That may just be a hopeless venture, at least the easy part. People change their circumstances yes but often after so much sweat and tears by the time they make it they are almost broken and on the verge of giving up hope, saved by fulfillment at last.
I'll use a personal example; I NEED a car, I've been hoping for, praying for, visualizing having a car for some time now, with the intent to work as hard as I can to get it, however circumstances have me beat. I have absolutely no money to my name to even think of considering buying a car, and I have no job. I have no car and that means every job I try to get that requests I have reliable transportation, I can't apply for. I could use the bus, but that too is gonna cost money everyday and is more of a hassle than its worth where I live. I could get a job close by but that still doesn't help when I need transportation to other places that a bus can't get me. I always have to rely on other people for transportation and it's such an uncomfortable thing for me. My mom can't afford me a car at this time, and my dad is not in my life and probably wouldn't get me a car even if he was. At a time when he was in my life and did plan on giving me a car, school was preventing him from giving it to me, and then finally he donated it because supposedly it was messed up to the point of not being drivable. It's such a stuck feeling when circumstances aren't in your favor and only hold you back. The idea of the power to change whats going on in your life makes me feel free. How long do I have to keep walking on foot, through the extreme cold and heat, or going through the trouble of calling people up for rides and relying on them and their time. It just sucks, and I'm sure I can apply this example to just about any circumstance in life that holds one back. Its the questions "why must my progress be so agonizingly slow", "Why are there so many obstacles and speed bumps to get over?" or, "why must this process be so damn difficult for me?" that made me think. They say trust in God's timing, it is always perfect, well damn if now is the time for me to have a car. I need to make it to school and wherever I work at and I feel like being independent of a bus schedule and having my own car to commute will benefit me greatly RIGHT NOW.
Anyways, I was gonna say something completely different, more relevant to the situations I described in my first post but I guess I've been side tracked *shrugs*
Also thanks for all the book suggestions, one thing I do enjoy is reading a good book, especially when I can finish it with a better perspective than I started it with |
Edited by - Chaz on Jan 25 2012 01:24:42 AM |
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Radharani
USA
843 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2012 : 01:59:41 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Chaz
Thank you all for hearing out my situation, every response was some of the most helpful advice I've ever been given. I can tell this site has a lot of amazing people on here. You all have me feeling hopeful.
I too have found the people here are quite amazing, compassionate and helpful. Glad we can help; that's why we're here.
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I am also noticing a big difference now in my meditations. I'm meditating for the sake of meditating and practice alone. They used to feel like me metaphorically running away from all my problems. Thinking about it now, almost every time I would meditate back then it was unconsciously (sometimes consciously) with the thought that there was an existing problem I needed to escape from. I used to think of it as a quick fix to my life. Now it feels more like just being, living, not in any particular way and without judgement or critique. I'm glad, I'm using it less as a hiding spot from the darkness and more as a light to lead the way through it all it.
yep. Excellent.
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Is it safe if I just do a little bit at a time and take it slow? From the experiences I've had I feel like they are very helpful and powerful kriyas that I would like to include in my practices, but if its doing too much and is more harm at this point than good then I would rather stay away for a while.
personally, I would be very cautious about anything beyond deep meditation at this point. If you try it, please self-pace.
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Whats the belief behind ark angel michael and does he help with my situation? ... I somehow feel like it's a negative influence from somewhere, maybe a subconscious block or bad belief, but a negative entity is also a very valid cause. I had sleep paralysis and saw a negative entity laughing at me horridly once but I've shrugged it off now as a simple hallucination in between a waking and dream state. Could this have anything to do with my situation?
re: negative entities, may be another name for subconscious block; a different way of describing the experience. I don't deny that they exist and I have cast them out of people, however, I wouldn't necessarily assume it is the case, and I don't think it is important what we call it. I too have had the negative entity laughing at me in the sleep paralysis state (say the names of God at 'em). I have found the archangel Michael to be a wonderful ally in these situations. He is famous for that.
re: your fascination with psychic phenomena and powers.
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I want to know what is so wrong with these things, I mean they exist as a product of spiritual evolution right? So what makes them so bad? Why do some yogis and spiritual masters have and demonstrate these abilities, which technically must be available to the entire human race, if they are so harmful? Is it only when the ego tries to get a hold of these powers that it becomes harmful?... Although I HAVE been aiming for the "power" I guess you could say, of consciously choosing how I experience reality. I guess that was my whole thing with spiritual powers. I've been aiming for a more fluid and fulfilling reality and I had the idea that with the help of these powers, I can easily change and shape my own reality to fit me perfectly in that moment.
Here's the deal: You can attempt, and even succeed, in manipulating "circumstances" until the cows come home and it will never make you free; it will make you more dependent on circumstances and you will spend all your energy trying to change them. It is an ego trap. You want a reality to fit you perfectly in the moment? Done. God/the Self has already handled that. The real power, as you said above, is in consciously choosing how you will experience reality, from the vantage point of the Self, and THAT is where we find freedom. It does not happen by trying to impose the ego's desires on circumstance. (trust me, been there, done that.) Meditation, prayer and samyama is how we get there.
You need a car. There is nothing wrong with asking for a car, but if you make your happiness dependent on whether or not you get the car, then you are setting yourself up for potential unhappiness. That's ok; that is "normal human life," but our yoga practice is designed to bring us to a place where our happiness does not depend on external circumstances. However, I must warn you, it may take a while. Took me 35 years, but I didn't have AYP or HOY...
It sounds like you are doing a lot better, and I concur with the staying "clean and sober" for now, attending to your school work, and keeping a consistent daily meditation practice. You know what you need to do and it is fully within your power to do it. Go for it! And please know that you are totally loved and cared for, even when circumstances seem to suggest otherwise. Wishing you all the best, lots of Love.
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SeySorciere
Seychelles
1571 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2012 : 02:03:11 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Chaz
I did about three minutes of the sodarshan kriya and a minute of the sat nam kriya the other day, which I haven't done since the last incident I had. I felt a lot better and more energetic after that, but I'm afraid to keep going with it. Is it safe if I just do a little bit at a time and take it slow?
I would really not recommend that you do any other practices right now. Stick with AYP instructions. You really do not want to hit overload and bring on even further mental confusion and emotional ups and downs on top of what you are going through.
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From my experience these problems are caused by 4th dimensional entities/spirits.
From my experience - if you go looking for entities and spirits - you will most certainly find them. Ignore them (do not spend energy on such thoughts) and let your light shine through meditation and they will disappear.
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.. Although I HAVE been aiming for the "power" I guess you could say, of consciously choosing how I experience reality. I guess that was my whole thing with spiritual powers. I've been aiming for a more fluid and fulfilling reality and I had the idea that with the help of these powers, I can easily change and shape my own reality to fit me perfectly in that moment.
How about accepting the reality that shows up as perfect instead? How are you judging what is perfect for you? With your mind? I tend to believe that the mind is "not in the know"; not in the driving seat (the Soul is)and a poor judge of what is perfect for you.
Keep walking, but not with your head down, you might miss the reason as to why you don't yet have a car!
Have a blessed day
Sey |
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tonightsthenight
846 Posts |
Posted - Jan 30 2012 : 11:07:06 AM
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Chaz,
it sounds like you just need to "be". let go.
you've got so much stuff swirling around in your head that it's impossible for the peace to come up from inside you.
if you let go, what's the worst that can happen? maybe you'll fail in school, fail financially, etc. but isn't that where you feel you're headed now?
let go. stopping taking spirituality so seriously and simply enjoy it. forget about the future for a while. there is not perfect path for you. all paths are imperfect...
good luck and listen to the people on this board. some of us have been through similar situations |
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gatito
United Kingdom
179 Posts |
Posted - Jan 30 2012 : 1:43:01 PM
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Hi Chaz
I'm really happpy to hear that things have taken an upturn.
I have two sons (one nearly 18 and and one 16), so I've been thinking about you a lot.
My 16 year-old meditates on the mantra and the advice that I was given was that during adolescence he should do no more than 10 minutes twice a day and stay well away from energy cultivation practices.
I was also told that if he needed to, he could do a little light alternate nostril breathing.
Being a teen is usually a heavy time!!! It was for me and it is for my kids!! Adding spiritual puberty with energy practices and too much meditation is only going to cause more problems.
Sort out the practical issues - like school - you have your whole life ahead of you and exploring these interests will be much easier with an interesting and fulfilling career and money in your pocket.
I think that you do have a very bright future ahead of you.
Keep us posted - if you have the time.
With Love |
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Chaz
USA
129 Posts |
Posted - Feb 02 2012 : 02:03:17 AM
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It's amazing how much daily meditation has helped over these past couple weeks. A little bit of Samyama has gone a long way too. I've been feeling much better, others have commented on me looking better, I've been going to school now and I'm still (by the grace of God) on track to possibly graduating on time. I'm more stable emotionally and clear headed mentally. Things have really been turning around since my first post.
quote:
Here's the deal: You can attempt, and even succeed, in manipulating "circumstances" until the cows come home and it will never make you free; it will make you more dependent on circumstances and you will spend all your energy trying to change them. It is an ego trap. You want a reality to fit you perfectly in the moment? Done. God/the Self has already handled that. The real power, as you said above, is in consciously choosing how you will experience reality, from the vantage point of the Self, and THAT is where we find freedom. It does not happen by trying to impose the ego's desires on circumstance. (trust me, been there, done that.) Meditation, prayer and samyama is how we get there.
I see. Makes sense. Though there are a lot of times when I wish my reality could be radically different, I do understand what you mean by God has already given that perfect reality. I may judge my circumstances but none of them are truly limiting, I just let them be. At the end of the day, my life is MY life, and so far the life I've been living has been (for the most part) suitable for all my needs, and even some of my desires. Sometimes I let my problems and limiting circumstances take such a big hold of my attention and energy that it's hard to stop and enjoy the things in you're life that you love and are appreciative of. I guess if I did that more maybe me and life would cooperate better.
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How about accepting the reality that shows up as perfect instead? How are you judging what is perfect for you? With your mind? I tend to believe that the mind is "not in the know"; not in the driving seat (the Soul is)and a poor judge of what is perfect for you.
Keep walking, but not with your head down, you might miss the reason as to why you don't yet have a car!
Have a blessed day
Sey
Thank you, I am going to try to stop judging my circumstances so much and try to work with them more. Since I've been meditating daily, I've been more content and at ease with life and all my circumstances. I know they can change, and I have an easier time working with them from silence then I do trying to think about it and figure it all out with my mind. I realize how dumb the ego really is, great strategist, but really really dumb.
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Chaz,
it sounds like you just need to "be". let go.
you've got so much stuff swirling around in your head that it's impossible for the peace to come up from inside you.....
let go. stopping taking spirituality so seriously and simply enjoy it. forget about the future for a while. there is not perfect path for you. all paths are imperfect...
good luck and listen to the people on this board. some of us have been through similar situations
Thank you, I'm trying my best. Letting go isn't so easy, I thought I've been doing it for the longest but really I was just trying my hardest to pretend I didn't care about anything, with the idea that not caring means I wouldn't be attached. Really not caring is not helpful at all, it isn't truly letting go, its probably why I'm so messed up in a lot of areas. It's made me do some stupid and bad things, because I thought I was detached and things would work out if it was meant to be. It's kind of crazy how the mind can warp spiritual philosophy to make you think you are doing right and everything is okay when really it's the exact opposite. I lost my gold crucifix this way, and my late grandfathers chain along with it. It was another one of those situations where I played the perfect role in my misfortune. This was when I was at my breaking point, a few weeks prior to my first post here. I'm ashamed of how it played out, and it haunts me everyday. I'm honestly too ashamed to tell the story, and I don't know how it would help at this point. The chain and cross are gone now, and I'm trying so hard not to be attached to it. But it was such a messed up situation and a bad decision, and unfortunately the cross and chain hold more value to me than just it's material worth. It's hard letting that go. I'm trying my best though. I just wish I could fix what happened and make it all right again.
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if you let go, what's the worst that can happen? maybe you'll fail in school, fail financially, etc. but isn't that where you feel you're headed now?
To be quite honest, I genuinely want to succeed in these areas. I want to let go too, but I don't wan't that to mean happily being a failure. I wish it was easier for me to understand the nature of these things. I would love to be a good student and to be financially well-off enough that I can support myself, family, or others who really need help. Does letting go mean being just fine with not succeeding in these areas? I hope not. I want to be a better person all around, I want success to be in all areas. Enlightenment is really the only true success in life, but I hope I can be successful in material endeavors as well. What's so wrong with wanting to flourish materially?
quote:
Hi Chaz
I'm really happpy to hear that things have taken an upturn.
I have two sons (one nearly 18 and and one 16), so I've been thinking about you a lot.
My 16 year-old meditates on the mantra and the advice that I was given was that during adolescence he should do no more than 10 minutes twice a day and stay well away from energy cultivation practices.
I was also told that if he needed to, he could do a little light alternate nostril breathing.
Being a teen is usually a heavy time!!! It was for me and it is for my kids!! Adding spiritual puberty with energy practices and too much meditation is only going to cause more problems.
Sort out the practical issues - like school - you have your whole life ahead of you and exploring these interests will be much easier with an interesting and fulfilling career and money in your pocket.
I think that you do have a very bright future ahead of you.
Keep us posted - if you have the time.
With Love
Hi Gatito, I appreciate your thoughtfulness very much. I too am nearly 18 (May 24th can't come any sooner), and it's good to know your sons are close in age and on a similar spiritual path. Hopefully they don't have to sort through all the mental and emotional baggage that I am dealing with, though. I'm almost sure I have overloaded myself and that's probably what's been causing so much turmoil. I've been thinking about it a lot recently and what I've realized is I started energy work before I had solid meditation practice or inner silence built up. I just meditated here and there and jumped straight into energy work. I've stopped all energy practices though, and I've made a commitment to meditating twice everyday and seeing where I get from there. Things feel a lot smoother, so I'm doing something right.
I usually aim for 20 minutes every meditation, but quite often I'll pop my eyes open and look at the clock to see exactly ten minutes has passed. I usually close my eyes and try to resume meditation till twenty minutes is up. Is this my body's way of telling me ten minutes is enough for now? Ten minutes is always comfortable to me, but twenty is still very bearable.
Also, I have a book called The Way of Energy: Mastering the Chinese Art of Internal Strength with Chi Kung Exercise and it focuses on a practice called Zhan zhuang. Is anyone familiar with it? The book goes into detail a lot about how vital energy is to health and well-being, and gives a lot of practices that help improve these things, ranging from aligning mind-body, relieving stress, increasing awareness and the powers of the mind, etc. I got this book about two summers ago, never really read it all or continued practicing, though for a little while I was doing some of the basic practices. It did seem to have some good effects if I remember correct, but I haven't been doing it for quite a while now. There's a page about energy work and teenagers which I'll quote;
quote:
A young person going through the teen years is under great mental and physical stress. It is a time of rapid growth, much of it decisive for the long-term welfare of the person in later life...Both their mental and emotional life, too, may undergo profound changes...Zhan Zhuang training can be extremely useful in regulating and smoothing the entire growth process in the teenage period. It helps to calm the nervous system and restore balance in the body's energy network. Because it strengthens the body's immune system, regular Zhan Zhuang training will be a great asset in this period when the body can easily find itself vulnerable to stress-related ailments or diseases such as asthma and headaches...Has the additional advantage of giving strong foundations for all sporting and athletic activities, boosts internal energy...Usually has the natural effect of stopping young people smoking...In these difficult teenage years, a young persons emotional balance may easily be disturbed. Sudden rages are common, as are other bouts of strong emotion that seem wildly out of all proportion. The powerful effect of Zhan Zhuang keeps the disposition more steady and helps young people to cope with the world around them with less pain.
Lately I've been feeling drawn to pick up this book and start using the information and practicing it again. Is this safe, especially after all this overloading? I feel like it can help a lot. Back when I was doing the two basic standing positions almost every morning one summer was when I was doing pretty well, and feeling good too! Or it seems that way at least, compared to now. In fact I really miss that summer. I was becoming more athletic during that time also, which felt good.
I wish I had known how dangerous energy work can really be at such a young and inexperienced age. I've been working on my energy for quite some time now, I've been naturally inclined to it since I learned what it all was. I will be much more careful from here on out, but I would like to know when it can be safe to practice energy work, or if I should just avoid it all at this point in life till I've stabilized in meditation enough. Will I intuitively know when to begin these practices again?
Also I want to talk about another personal matter. It has to do with someone who I no longer want in my life, or a part of my family. This person is the father of my sisters two sons. Him and my sister have had a very negative relationship for years now, they engage in constant fighting and arguing like little children, they yell and scream at each other, curse at each other, and he even takes to violent measures and has hit her in the past and threatens her on multiple occasions. He's bad for her, he's done nothing but hold her back from her life. I can't see her being happy and going far in life as long as she continues to have a relationship with him. They are literally two people trying to break each other down. It's a very destructive relationship, and it effects everyone in the family. I've both stepped in it at times and I've minded my own business. As a family, we've tried to convince my sister that he's no good, that he's ruining her life quite literally. It's very sad. He's done really bad things to her, and even to my family. I know nobody can tell her whats best for her, and if she truly wishes to be with him then that is her decision, but I refuse to let him continue to disrespect my family and add to the stresses we already have. He's not a good person in my eyes at all, he does nothing good for anyone, barely even his two sons. He hustles for money, however I have never judged him based off that. I have judged him based on his actions, especially towards my sister and my family. He's very disrespectful and mean, he's damaged property and acted out violently to us. I've stood up to him on more than one occasion and I'm getting tired of my sister undermining the efforts of me and my mom to get him out of our lives. She can have him all she wants, however we don't want noting to do with him. I can't say he's ever left me with a good feeling, he's a very negative person. Misery loves company, and he lives up to that. He does anything he can to keep my sister unhappy. He's like a bad guy always following us around, causing problems. He's no help to my sister, he's holding her back from so much, so why should he continue to stick around.
I've been tempted to take this issue into samyama, in hopes I can mitigate his negative presence in our lives. I just want to know if this is bad? I would never wish bad on anyone, but I genuinely feel like this person is only doing harm to my sister, and is negative towards my family in general. Is there a reason people like this come into our lives? Can we remove them, can we ask that they stay well away from us for our protection? I know he is mostly around because of my sister and his two sons, I know he plays a role now in their family but I also believe it's a very negative role. Maybe he's in our lives for a reason, but when I look at it that way I feel like that's just an excuse to put up with him. We shouldn't have to go through what we do because of this one disturbed man. Lately I've been asking God to peacefully take him out of our lives, I feel like its the best thing for my sister and everyone else involved, although I know its not my place to say what's best for her or anyone else, I just feel very strongly that he isn't.
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Edited by - Chaz on Feb 02 2012 02:20:36 AM |
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SeySorciere
Seychelles
1571 Posts |
Posted - Feb 02 2012 : 06:27:50 AM
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Dear Chaz,
Looks like your sister's husband is in need of a lot of Love. Yes, it is ok to bring him into your samyama - Release his name and intend Love in your inner silence.
That should turn him and yourself around.
Sey |
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gatito
United Kingdom
179 Posts |
Posted - Feb 02 2012 : 3:11:58 PM
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Dear Chaz
It's really good to hear from you again, and thank you for your kind words regarding "the lads". It's sometimes hard for fathers to see what's going on with their sons, so the honest reply is - "I don't think so but sometimes it's difficult to know." They've certainly had to go through some heavy stuff but things appear to be very much on the upturn. We'll see.
Regarding meditation time, I'm only passing on what I was told - I'm very much a student in this area. From one fellow student to another, I'd say that what you're saying is that 10 minutes is enough at the moment. Yogani says less is more, so if you find yourself opening your eyes after 10 minutes, it tallies with what I was told was appropriate for my sons and what you appear to be telling yourself. If you are what they refer to here as "a sensitive meditator" it seems that even 10 minutes can be too much. However, there are some real experts here, so if they see your post they will probably respond. I hope so.
Regarding Zhan zhuang: by a curious coincidence, I was a student of Master Lam's before he moved to the States. It is an energy practice (and one that's not supported on this forum). I've therefore chosen not to mix this with AYP myself. Again, there are people here with vastly more experience than me in this area. I'd also add that my understanding is that samyama is a sort of energy practice but I'd never even heard of it before I landed here, so I hope that someone pops up and clarifies this (for both of us).
Regarding the father of your sister's two sons: This is a complex and difficult situation and I'd strongly suggest that you explore this with your counsellor. I hope that you you don't think that I'm copping-out here. I'd be very happy to explore it with you in person but it's impossible for me to do this in writing. I'm sorry it's happennig and I sincerely hope that it resolves itself soon. Be careful though, it's not your responsibility to fix this and I believe that stepping into other people's relationships (even when invited) often causes greater problems.
With Love
gatito |
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Chaz
USA
129 Posts |
Posted - Feb 03 2012 : 12:57:38 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by SeySorciere
Dear Chaz,
Looks like your sister's husband is in need of a lot of Love. Yes, it is ok to bring him into your samyama - Release his name and intend Love in your inner silence.
That should turn him and yourself around.
Sey
Thank you, I will try this. Didn't think of the love idea, I suppose that's the best way to go about it.
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Regarding Zhan zhuang: by a curious coincidence, I was a student of Master Lam's before he moved to the States. It is an energy practice (and one that's not supported on this forum). I've therefore chosen not to mix this with AYP myself. Again, there are people here with vastly more experience than me in this area. I'd also add that my understanding is that samyama is a sort of energy practice but I'd never even heard of it before I landed here, so I hope that someone pops up and clarifies this (for both of us).
Did you find any benefit from his teachings? Or has AYP been more successful? Personally I just like the idea of it being exercise in a very different, yet effective form. I didn't practice it long enough to see how much fitness I could gain from it, but I was definitely engaging in a lot more physical activity during that time and come to think of it a lot of the times it wasn't always my conscious choice to do that, it would just happen or I somehow found myself in a situation with people who wanted me to play a sport with them, work out, etc.
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Regarding the father of your sister's two sons: This is a complex and difficult situation and I'd strongly suggest that you explore this with your counsellor. I hope that you you don't think that I'm copping-out here. I'd be very happy to explore it with you in person but it's impossible for me to do this in writing. I'm sorry it's happennig and I sincerely hope that it resolves itself soon. Be careful though, it's not your responsibility to fix this and I believe that stepping into other people's relationships (even when invited) often causes greater problems.
I've always minded my business when it came to their relationship unless things got out of hand and started to involve others. It is a very complex situation, I can't understand why my sister can be so miserable with a person and let him break her down and abuse her both mentally and physically, yet still stay with the guy. But then I think about my situation, and all my actions and choices that have done me no good yet I can't explain why I continue to engage in the same behavior and ultimately do myself wrongly. It sucks... Counseling does help but I also feel like no one can truly understand my situation as good as I can- BUT I'M SO CONFUSED. I'm fine with not knowing all the answers now, if I keep meditating I suspect they will come. For just a few weeks of meditation twice daily I feel a whole lot better and even slightly transformed. I've felt this before though, not as intensely as I'm feeling it now, but in the past I felt like I had made a turn around and was ready to do the right thing and then something knocks me out of grace again. That's my biggest fear now. I just wanna do right, I have no room for error.
Off topic, sorry. Anyways, my sisters relationship should not have to affect others negatively in the family. If she wishes to stay with him I will not like it, but I can not do anything about it. HOWEVER, I will not put up with their drama in my life, especially when I'm trying to do right now and stay focused. Why should I be stressed over a relationship that isn't even mine?
I'm sorry if I have been over-ranting a whole lot. I know this isn't a therapy session but I feel like maybe the best people to talk to are the spiritually inclined... the ones less likely to impose their ego views on me. I just wan't genuine guidance while I'm still this confused. It's hard to trust everything that goes on in your head when the times you've listened, you ended up in a bad spot. I'm trying to learn how to discriminate what comes from the mind and what comes from the silence but it isn't always that easy. At least not at this stage. |
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mikkiji
USA
219 Posts |
Posted - Feb 03 2012 : 2:09:45 PM
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| "It is better to want what you have than to have what you want." |
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gatito
United Kingdom
179 Posts |
Posted - Feb 04 2012 : 09:18:29 AM
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Hi Chaz
I went to Master Lam looking for something similar to AYP. I was mostly interested in what he said in the latter part of his book where some "spiritual practice" is implied. I was settling in for the long-term (probably 10-20 years to become a "disciple" and to have access to the "inner teachings"), when he decided to leave the country. I was only with him for about a year, so I can't commment on the health aspects. I was considering practicing the 8 Brocades along with AYP but as there are some asanas provided in the AYP lessons, I decided not to mix the two systems. I thought that I'd add the asanas to my routine in the fairly near future but instead, I've actually backed-off my practice because I've discovered for myself that "less is more" the hard way. There's a physical exercise routine recommended in the lessons and while I don't follow it myself, I probably will: it certainly looks excellent to me.
No-one can understand your situation as well as you and others can only help to to understand it better yourself - not tell you what to do. It sounds like you're working things through with your counselor and finding your own answers. The motto here is "the guru is in you" and, at the risk of being repetitive, you seem to be doing pretty well .
If school doesn't work out now you can always get back into education later, so ease up on yourself, we all make mistakes, it's a vital part of learning. I make loads of mistakes myself and I'm nearly three times your age! Just do the best that you can, it's all that any of us can do
Regarding your sister: you might find Families and How to Survive Them by Skinner and Cleese useful. Although it's a "popular" book, don't underestimate the depth. One of the authors is an eminent psychiatrist and psychotherapist and there a lifetime of practical wisdom packed into the book. One of my boys has found it interesting and helpful and ten minutes of Deep Meditation twice a day has been more than enough for him and it seems to have given him the space he needs as a teenager. If I found him doing any "energy practices", I'd try to persuade him to stop. |
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michellegrace
USA
7 Posts |
Posted - Feb 25 2012 : 08:15:57 AM
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Two things:
Be regular with your practice, but cut back if it's too much. Do more pranayam (esp the kriya), more asanas, more exercise, but maybe cut back on meditation. But DO IT REGULARLY. No exceptions, no excuses. Especially when you don't feel like it. that's stress wanting to stay in your body. The regularity will keep you sane.
Been there, after my first year of meditating regularly my world kind of tore apart too. But it didn't last. :-)
IMPORTANT: Remember that YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM OF YOUR CONDITIONING. (Sri Sri Ravi Shankar said that, you seem to be familiar with him if you do kriya) You DO have the power to make changes and to not make stupid decisions, don't let ANYONE, including yourself, tell you that you can't. That said, some more wise advice is to look on the past as destiny (to avoid regret), look to the future as your free will (avoid lethargy), and live in the present happily (easier said than done right now, I bet, but at least you can take the past/future perspectives to heart perhaps).
The most important advice someone gave me when I was under fire was to accept myself, exactly where I was. Do that. Exactly where you are. Accept that. and do what everyone is saying, get therapy. the stability and steady, guided direction is invaluable to you right now. And try to put some trust in these deeper truths that you know--that everything you are worried about is absolutely meaningless, really, because we will all die someday and forget this life completely, and in 5000 years when you still exist this will not matter. Seriously, try to internalize that if you can. Though I know you're getting so much advice, it's probably hard to know what to do... |
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I need direction on this twisted path
